Last week I attended a class in which the instructor asked if we as care workers had self-care plans. I did not raise my hand out of insecurity to be asked to describe it. I took this as a sign that I need to get back on track with some of these practices. She then asked us to name one practice in which we would engage this week. I rose my hand and offered to re-engage in journal writing. This is that action.

At the end of the class the instructor commented to me personally that this was a good step. I simply replied "yes, thank you." Afterward, I thought of so much I could have said. This moment was just one of many such instances, including during the class, in which I felt a step slow in conversations in which I had much to say which would have been useful and relationship building. I thought about how this will come just as in baseball. In time I will be able to bring to mind more quickly what I need to say and do through mastery and anticipatory thinking. I am currently out of practice of social engagement. This will return in time.

I also realized that I needed to re-engage my meditative practices as well. Perhaps this was another reason that I didn't answer, because I felt that my practices were too simplistic. But today I saw a program about mindfulness meditation which reminded me that they are not. So tonight I reread a little of "Teach Yourself to Meditate" and received a great sense of reinforcement that my practices are adequate.

A lot has happened in the last few weeks and days and I have felt great highs and lows. This weekend I felt really down after receiving a call from my wife in which she cussed at me and hung up. This sent me into a deep depression. I analyzed my feelings and realized that the source of fear was a sense of ineptitude. While I was able to turn over my wife's behavior to God, and pray for my fear to be removed, it was not until this afternoon, 48 hours and some unexpected weekend accomplishments later, that my depression lifted. I also realized that I was sick this weekend. I waited too long to take a decongestant, but when I did, my lethargy also lifted.

Today I found myself contemplating the role of the 12 steps in relation to the wider scope recovery from substance use disorders. I thought about the main premise of the 12 step model that "selfishness, self-centeredness ...is the root of our troubles." It seems to be a given in the treatment field that one must sober up before one can make mental health progress. Certainly, every person with a substance use disorder has a problem of the primary order with self-centered thinking. Perhaps then, while the substance user, abuser, or addict may have other primary level causes, they must be rid of this selfishness before they can make effect gains in other maladaptive disorders.This usually requires some external intervention first, then a self-examination and behavioral change process and some social reinforcement. Therefore, this is why the 12 step program is indispensable.

This afternoon I thought of morning prayer and meditation as pre-action. That is, the act of preempting problem behaviors and attitudes and pre-meditating good ones. Someone showed me that there are two parts to grounding, pre-action and re-action. When something triggers my volatile feelings, it is vital that I be in a place of fitness. Then that I react appropriately. I can re-direct and rise above my lower drives. I suppose at the end of the day, post-action follows.

I got to engage in some great activities and discussion at "work" today. In fact things went so well, that I had to catch myself from drifting off the ground in too much enthusiasm.

I almost fell into anger tonight when my wife griped at the kids. It takes a lot of effort for me to resist my problematic behavioral schemas and let God handle it. But, the outcome is wonderful. I get to love her and help us achieve our mission.

Thanks be to God.

Today my kids were home for spring break. I had to supervise them all day except for my sons who were with my mom in the morning. When I went to pick them up we drove to the wildlife preserve that I pass on the way to practicum every day.

I got to have a 12 step meeting with a friend today.
I got to have baseball practice with my son today.

Thanks be to God.

The past few weeks I have been dealing with feelings of inadequecy or incompetence. I have felt that I can't keep up with school work, I've had performance anxiety at internship, and I keep mulling over mistakes on the baseball field, either my own coaching, or my son's. 

Each case has demanded perseverance and an attitude shift. I have had to push through situational anxiety and trust my Higher Power. During these times, over and over the concept of focusing on my thought and emotional processing rather than on the circumstances. I have had to  resist future predicting, past reviewing, and mind reading.

In the case of school, my security and ambitions self esteem were threatened. I get afraid that I can't be content if I have to wait to the last minute to do it due to family responsibilities. I think of myself as a slacker for not being on top of it. I have to practice and pray for acceptance and resist stressing myself.

In performance anxiety I have had been afraid to make mistakes in front of everybody. I have been afraid of what they think. I have had to resist this thinking, persevere through the learning process and turn my dependence to what God thinks.

I am now seeing improvement and feeling much more comfortable.

Tonight I can't sleep. It has been a busy day that started out with rushing to the store for flowers for my wife for Valentine's day. She had cards, candy, and a gift set out for each kid. I felt grateful that she provides them with so much love.

Last night I had a using dream. It might have been the second night in a row. It was a bit disturbing because I was placed back in a setting and attitude where recovery was long lost or had never quite gained and I was in a using environment where I was offered constantly. The hard part was that my son was there with me. After a few uses, I made no more effort to hide it from him. Thank God that is not the reality of my life, but it sure was frightening to feel it.

I've been thinking alot about the death of Whitney Houston. I remember the red flags. In interviews she was not at all comfortable admitting her addiction. She did not seem committed at all. She also talked about being able to drink on occasion. I knew she had not yet found recovery.

This morning I talked to two friends in the program. One who is newly sober and one who is committed. We talked about what it takes to make that comittment.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I went to the treatment center where I will be doing my practicum. At the end I was standing in the middle of a very busy control center while the human resources recruiter gave me instructions for follow up. I had to admit to her that I was having a sensory processing delay and anxiety ask her to repeat what she said. I stood in the hallway in front of the doorway to the intake desk talking to a friend who works there. As I was listening to him my attention was drawn to a very haggard looking fellow and a person who looked like his father. They were both dressed like they worked on a farm and one guy had a very ragged looking duffel bag. I realized that this was a checking checking in. I felt drawn to speak to him but my attention turned back to my friend.

After leaving, I kept remembering the look on the face of the guy checking in. I think we connected in our sense of anxiety but his was much more acute. I could feel his pain and anxiety. I could sense his ambivalent drives as his motives pulled him in different directions. I was drawn to greet him and express a sense of hope. I remembered my feelings when I was in his place. I thought about what I might have said to him. I do not ever want to miss an opportunity like that again to say "welcome to your recovery, this is where the best days of your life begin."

Today I heard an old song that gave me a nostalgic feeling and took me back to a time before I had lost the creative potential and integrity of my nature. I was sad for a bit but then wondered if in the past few years I have resumed my personal development. I wondered also if the closeness I have with my very young children during the stages of their early development are helping me to recover what was lost. In particular today while working with my youngest daughter she began questioning me about my life as a child in development. I couldn't remember but described experiences with my mother in my home just as we were having of preparing for the day, doing educational assignments, having some play time, discovering the world outside and enjoying meals together.

This week I have been completely occupied with lengthy preparatory training for my internship. My wife has been working everyday which has kept me at home. I am grateful that our funding has come through and I will continue to have a home.

Around noon I had a fleeting thought about the obedient principle of Christianity (as a reason to be Catholic). This led me to the similarity between abidance and obedience.

In the afternoon I started arguing with my wife when we were having a discussion about setting limits to work scheduling. I realized that we didn't disagree about most of it, I was arguing over the details.

Last night I had a good nights sleep and woke up early this morning. In meditation I thought about what makes an effective person. I thought of how one can delay gratification and place principle over pleasure. I thought of how one derives healthy self-esteem by developing well thought out values, ideals and principles. When I have pursued short sighted and impulsive pleasures, I have become unproductive and ineffective. But when I think first and base my decisions, choices and judgement on principle from sound values then I am able to delay gratification and work toward long term goals that give lasting reward.The working principle therefore may be : VIP/CHP
VIP - Values. Ideals, Principles
CHP - Comforts, Habits, Pleasures

I got up on time to get the kids off to school by myself and let my wife sleep in.

This Monday I felt like I had a productive morning. My allergy problem (or respiratory virus) didn't bother me much. I was able to get through some simple and effective prayers without much distraction.

I found us having to rush to get the kids off to school and my wife was very sick. It occurred to me that if I could get up a little earlier then she wouldn't have to get up to help. I planned to stay busy and avoid a nap so that I would get to sleep on time. For the past week I have been falling asleep and then waking up and staying up losing sleep.

For some reason I had one of those mornings where I was able to bring to mind everything that I need to do and make a good task list. I spent all day getting them done. I was busy all day, accomplished a good deal, and never took a nap.

My wife was also very busy today. She was also very sick with her allergy problem (or respiratory virus). By the end of the day she was barely functional and very short tempered with the kids. I opted not to go to a meeting and stay home to help her with the kids instead.

In the evening the last thing that happened was that I fell asleep with my youngest son. I woke up and staggered to my bed. Just as I was dozing off again my wife requested some hot tea. I didn't comply right away and she got very angry and accused me of not caring for her when she is sick. She got up before I had a chance to and made it herself. I felt very selfish for a moment but then considered that her request was demanding and she didn't at least consider that I was trying to get to sleep on time. She also didn't give me a chance to change my attitude just like she does with the kids. She is sick because she doesn't set limits  that help her get enough sleep and she stresses herself with the people who don't meet her demands and live up to her expectations.

I still felt selfish but also thought back to how this is probably the natural impulse of all people but that with a moment or two of thought we can overcome this. But, we (I) need a moment sometimes.

I was grateful for the time I got to spend running errands by myself after two weeks with kids every day.

We had some really good times today putting away Christmas stuff, and joking with my son about his brain.

My son made me grateful for my wife when he told me unprompted today that he was really happy to be in a family that gets along. He said he sees other families split apart from divorce and he was glad he didn't have to go through that.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Last night I let the kids stay up a little late (9:45) since it was Friday. Consequently, I was late getting to bed and late rising this morning. In meditation this morning I got the idea to keep the TV off all morning, that somehow we would benefit by keeping our attention in reality.

I got up feeling guilty that I did not participate in the Knights of Columbus neighborhood street cleanup which I thought was this morning. I considered whether or not it was realistic for me to think that I could do this type of event. My wife worked late last night and the kids all need to be fed and the house needed to be maintained. I see now that I just can't do it. It turns out that the event was not today. So I need to either commit to it now or accept that its not realistic for me.

This just confirmed to me that with our number of kids, only one of us parents can be away at work at any given time. Since we have chosen to follow my wife's plan, then I am the one who stays home.

I had to resist being resentful later in the morning as I was compelled to attend to one person's needs after another at the expense of my own initiatives. I found myself resenting that I get to do what I want when I want, even as basic a task as taking a shower or completing one train of thought. Then my wife asked me about a bank deposit that I was supposed to make yesterday. When I told her that I forgot, she snapped back a sarcastic question asking if I am just forgetting the most critical tasks related to money now.

At this my heart collapsed into despair and rage. Years of emotional work have diffused my anger so I didn't want to lash out at her but I did want to be done. For a moment I just wanted to check out. At the very least I didn't want to speak to her any more. My feelings reminded me of her mother. I never did get how a housewife could be depressed since they didn't have to go to a dreadful job everyday. But now I see how. When someone else makes all the decisions and you lose the sense of self efficacy, it is depressing.I felt like I was drifting into my aimlessness again.

Later I began to lose patience with the kids and raise my voice. I had to correct my son for raising his voice at me and realized that I did it first. At one point I snapped at my wife when she asked me to unload her car so she could go to work. I considered if I was displacing my feelings on them.

Finally my wife left for her task and the kids all went outside I was able to sit down and write this and gather my thoughts and examine my feelings. Now that I understand them a little better I can turn the outcomes over to God and let them pass. I remember my own plans to do yard work, clean the house, take the kids to the park, take grocery inventory, go to the hardware store, clean the garage, and take down the Christmas lights. I am glad that I kept the TV off.

This morning we all woke up and made it to school on time for my kid's first day back from holiday break. On the way to school I had a talk with the little ones reviewing their holiday vacation and implored them to give good descriptions of the right things to their teachers and friends. When I picked them up in the afternoon my son's teacher said that he impressed her with his prolific writing about his vacation. I was proud of him.

During the day I ran several errands and took my youngest daughter. We had quality time together and took a drive in an area that I have never been to before. I was pleased to get things accomplished. I felt productive.

In the evening I had my oldest do some pitching practice with an older boy in the neighborhood. We made a game out of it by counting points for strikes made to the target rebounder. I had my younger son practice batting. I am optimistic about their coming spring baseball season.

Today and the past few days I have reflected on my inability to do support activities for my home group, my kids PTA, the Knights of Columbus, the Human Services Club, my rehab alumni, and the baseball league. I did most (not as much as I expected) for the baseball league and little to nothing for the others. In looking back I see that I am disappointed because I have unrealistic expectations. I realize that raising my kids well while going to school and trying to provide for them rightfully occupies all of my time.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early to try and adjust back to the kid's school schedule. I was very groggy and plagued with cedar fever and inflammation. I was also drifting into worry and remorse over the problem with our mortgage. I had to exercise a lot of effort in prayer to turn away from these self-defeating feelings. I thought deeply about a lot of ways to change my attitude and depend on God.

Later in the morning my wife spoke to the bank and resolved the problem. This really felt like a miracle to me. I think that God allowed this to happen to give me a greater appreciation and sense of care for our home.

I spent the day watching the kids. We went to a park and took a walk in the woods.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got off to a good start. I thought of restoration of mental faculties and good judgment. Also I included development of values and virtues. I thought of principle over instinct just as with intellect over emotion.

Best of all I asked that I be able to love others as God has loved me. Thinking back I believe that i had weird dreams but was protected from their influence to fear. On the drive to an appt the outside environment had a tremendous affect on my motivation. I thought of the power of environment. I planned to put an event on my calendar every morning to get outside.

In the afternoon I got to spend some great time with my mom and the kids in the back yard. It was a beautiful sunny cool day. Later the kids and I went to the park. I had the boys practice baseball. I had to practice a lot of patience with my youngest son. He wasn't making a good effort and I caught myself chastising him too much. I had to stop and think about how to properly motivate him and I had to accept whatever small activity that we could accomplish today. After we finished, I had some really beautiful moments giving rides on my back and chasing them and rolling on the grass when they tackled me. I thought about how lucky we are to live where we live and have this day.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting. On the way home I noticed something unexpected. It was a check and mortgage slip. I had forgotten to drop the payment the other day. When I got home I found out that we may be in foreclosure.

I see this as a real test of my faith. Do I really trust that God will take care of us? If so, then I must not be afraid. Do I really believe we will be okay no matter what happens? If so, then I must show my family as much love as I can. As I lay in bed I thought back to the moment at the park. Just then I saw the point of light more vividly than ever before.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I got off to a bit of a late start.

I stayed home with the kids this day while my wife worked. I had the kids do some educational worksheets and I tried to minimize idle or media time. It was tedious all day. I did get them outside most of the day and I tried to resist griping at them.

In the evening I went to a meeting. Afterward I asked a guy to be my sponsor - New Year's resolution #1 is done!

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got off to another late start but I put my best spin on it that we need to sleep in to stay up late tonight for New Years Eve. I planned to carry a vision of God's will into all my affairs when I prayed.

Meditation led me to think about our parenting plan. A approach to talk to my wife came to mind.

In the evening I took the kids to the annual New Years Eve party at my former sponsor's home. They had a great time but I had to leave early to bring a couple of them home. I wish that I had exercised a little more social grace and given some goodbyes and gratitude to friends and especially the host.

I reflected on the past year. I am grateful for another year sober and living the spiritual life and all the blessings I get to receive.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday I got off to a decent albeit late start. My prayers were the abbreviated version but I made my daily spiritual connection, made the commitment to do God's will, and planned my conduct.

After breakfast I heard my wife playing with the kids in bed. After a bit I heard them getting out of hand and her griping at them. This quickly descended into yelling. I intervened by critically griping at her briefly. I allowed her the last comment as I realized that I was treating her the same way as I was criticizing her for. Nevertheless, some correction was needed and I thought about what I should have said.

I should have just calmly reminded her to follow our parenting plan. But it occurred to me that we don't really have an agreed upon parenting plan. I thought about how to approach her about this. I expect resistance and wondered what I could do to foster cooperation.

I spent most of the morning raking leaves. As I prepared to do the job it occurred to me that I should get my son involved in the job. I expected resistance. I wondered how I could foster cooperation. I thought about allowing for a transition. I informed him about the project but didn't dump it on him and expect him to stop what he was doing. I also planned the job in small increments, with a reasonable scope of completion. When my son joined me I utilized some flexibility to alter my plan and have us work together instead of on separate sections. We spent all morning talking and bonding in our work.

I spent the rest of the afternoon acquiring more bargain sports training equipment from a sale and then playing outside with the kids. They wore me out but it was a great deal of fun.

I thought quite a bit today about the reason most people need God to get sober and for that matter everyone  needs him to live life. I know that I need God to set the limits of the moral rationale that leads to my behavior and to my state of mind. But I have found the expression of this idea in simple words to be ineffable. Perhaps the best expression is that I need God to be the supreme arbiter of my conduct.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. It was speaker night at my 12 step group. Our guest was a friend who works at a treatment center. He told his story in the format of his experience with each step. When he got to the part about step 10-11 he mentioned that we should do this every day. He mentioned recent relapses after long term sobriety. He talked about logging meeting attendance and service work in our evening reviews. I thought about whether or not I have been taking effective inventory as I have not been writing lately. I have been praying and taking verbal inventory with my sons every night and have not seen an accumulation of resentment, fear, or dishonesty. I have been meditating on my conduct at various times throughout each day. I believe that my personal inventory has been effective but I still have the resolve to write and believe that it is the most effective method.

Thus I do this journal.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I had a good start to the day with enough time for prayer and a decent attitude. We rose at a reasonable hour and I chose reasonable expectations given the long Christmas weekend.

Most of the day was spent cleaning and getting back to normal. The kids all enjoyed their new toys. I tried to set appropriate limits but remain a little more flexible than usual about outside physical activities and such.

In the afternoon some neighborhood kids came around and I tried to have a kind and tolerant attitude despite a point of disagreement with my wife. Later, my youngest son and I had some quality practice time. I used the strategy that I planned after the last difficult time. That is, I let him know well before hand, tied the session to reward, took small steps, and exercised patience. He really came through with a great effort.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. I heard something out of the Big Book that I never heard before, "Our behavior will convince them more than our words."

Afterward I gave an old mentor a ride home. We had a good talk.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up in a pretty good state of mind. I was able to get through my prayers and meditation effectively. I thought about getting back to doing consistent and thorough inventory.

Over the past week or so, I have had several dreams of using and existential themes. I thought of how life has deprived me of time and energy to conduct my spiritual practices. I must exert myself to get back to them.

As I completed my prayers I had a lot of enthusiasm, ideas, and a plan to get to this after breakfast. It's 1:30 now and the kids are whining for this and that. One thing after another has interrupted me from doing the inventory that I planned. I have no idea what I was thinking about this morning.

This morning I got to go to a meeting. The topic was a good one, its easy to rest on out laurels. I had a lot to say about it. In fact I had too much to say. While talking I digressed into a tangent that I regretted. No one seemed to care but I was disappointed. When I came home I made it a point to write my thoughts concisely on my 12 step blog.

People had a lot of good things to say that I needed to hear.

I was grateful for a couple of resource blessings today.
I was grateful for the initiative to attend my son's choir event tonight and take his brother and sisters.
I was grateful rain today.

Thanks be to God.