Tonight I find myself resentful of another person. I have to listen to what sounds like a person struggling to wrest satisfaction out of others if they would just behave right. I feel forced to have to listen. Maybe this is the cross I have to bear. Maybe this is me being self-righteous and judgemental. Maybe I see in her what I don't like about myself.

I will take refuge in the Lord.

This morning it was very rainy and I was late to work. I did a small thing different than I might have in the past. I called in to let them know I would be late. This may not seem like a big deal but I have been irresponsible all my life and I like to note when that changes.

Today I found out that Dave's son Ceasar was killed in an automobile accident. I talked to Rudy about it on the way home and he said Dave and Norma were headed home so I went by to see them and offer some condolences. I felt awkward and never know what to say in these situations but I was grateful that God gives me such great friends today and that he carries me through my doubts so that I can be a good friend too. I feel terrible for them and I am only reassured by God's word and by the times I spoke to Ceasar about his faith.

Tonight I got to go to my first Bible study ever. It was very small and no one there was a scholar but everyone has a lot of faith. I look forward to the next five weeks of study. We read a Psalm and the Gospel.

I was inspired to "...take refuge in the Lord".

This morning Christie was too sick to go to church. When she decided not to go we had a disagreement about whether I should take Ivan. When she first spoke about it she presumed I would be taking him. I presumed he would be staying home. Somewhere in there one of us talked angrily to the other and we both ended up griping at each other. > resentful

I realized that I hadn't necessarily made a decision either way about it yet. A short time later I thought some more about it and decided to take him.

As I thought about our argument I realized that we argued because of the way we speak to each other and presume things.

At mass Fr. Barry was ill with his diabetes and had to go to the hospital. Deacon John had to fill in. The gospel was from Luke about "Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple."

I thought about what this means for me, that my cross is to persevere to be patient and forgiving and loving to Christie and to keep trying to treat her more respectfully even though it goes against my nature.

We were kind to each other when I got home.

Today when I was getting ready for the area mtg. I was resentful at Christie and was kinda short with her. I was resentul that she went in the morning to look at a van and I had to rush to get ready for the meeting. I had plenty of time to prepare before.

At the area meeting I found myself getting apprehensive and a little nervous to speak. I had to pray for serenity and it worked. The meeting was good and it felt good to be of service. I also noticed that it's been a while now since we had any of those argumentative or confrontational meetings. Some people have changed and some people aren't around anymore. Whatever the case is we are working together better now and it is beginning to be something that people might feel attracted to do.

Tonight Christie went to look at another van and I again was a little resentful that I didn't get to go to a meeting. I was also resentful that the house wasn't cleaned up to my liking. I thought about the reading from Daily Reflections today - "we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. ".

The author spoke of complete abandon in terms of complete surrender. I quit fighting and cleaned up the house and tried to stopped getting angry with the kids.

I felt peace and serenity and was able to work together with Christie.

In the next few weeks things are going to be tight and I might not get to go to meetings as much as I might like. I must be wiling to go wherever God needs me and let him grant me acceptance.

- another "best day ever".

For the past 2 nights I've been too tired to do my review. I don't recall the things I did to get off track but I was just so exhausted each night that I couldn't do it. Perhaps I was still tired from the holiday weekend. In that case it was not wise for me to have gone fishing twice. - selfish

Last night I had a dream that I was drinking. In my dream I was rationalizing having just one beer. I was saying that it wouldn't be a relapse because i didn't get drunk. It was weird to be inside my own head but in such a shift in thinking. I had another dream that I was hanging out with old acquaintances and they were talking to me about getting high and the sexual things they did on their binge.

Tonight I feel a renewed sense of priority for my Evening Review.

Today I was resentful for a short time with Christie when she didn't want to shop for a vehicle my way. Fortunately I had a change of heart and was able to accept that she will do it her way.

When I came home she had a change of heart and was doing what I had suggested.

Today I felt more productive and like I was learning more. And I felt more optimistic.

Al day today I could not shake the idea of doing step work meetings Stepping Stones.

I found out yesterday that the CA mtg. at The Ranch is moving to Tuesday night. I felt sad about this because I won't be able to attend anymore.

Wednesday night I called a guy about the new Bible study at St. Pauls. I was very encouraged by his helpfullness and he sounded kind of enthusiastic.

It's just a few days before my sobriety birthday, I will have 4 years.

Thank God for another "Best Day".

God Always Provides

Tonight I almost went back to writing my thoughts on paper. I thought that maybe doing it electronically might be too much of a distraction. I questioned whether I can make the spiritual connection. But I decided that these writings might be useful n the future to persons who would like to know what a person's evening review looks like.

Today I was tired but my renewed optimism in life made it easy to get up and go.

Today i felt enthusiastic about working to help others find recovery.

I was not resentful.
I was not afraid.
I was not dishonest.

Iwas grateful for my wife, my job and my family.

Last night I wrote that I was afraid to ask my Dad for financial help. At the end of our dinner I told him that we didn't use a check he had given us to pay for Bobby's baseball. He said we should use it to pay a bill or something. I didn't feel right asking him for more. I just accepted that it would be enough and we would find a way to get by. I never asked him and they left.

This morning Christie called me to say that Dad had called and given us substantial financial help.

God always provides.

Labor Day

This morning I went fishing with Bobby and Dad. I tried to be patient with Bobby so that he could have a good time. I got impatient a few times but it wasn't too bad and we all had a great day on the lake. Dad caught a couple of fish and Bobby got to reel a couple in.

At the boat ramp I broke my prop on the hole in the launch and at first I blamed it on Bobby. I apologized to him afterward and reminded myself that the boat is not more important than him. Also I felt a lingering remorse about the broken prop and had to remember that something like that shouldn't affect my contentment. If it is the I am worshipping a false god.

We had a little fajita dinner in the evening with Mom and Dad. We all had a great time but I was afraid to ask my dad to borrow some money. It turned out OK.

Another "Best Day".