This morning I found myself getting resentful at my wife for running late. I blamed it on her overdoing the eents with the kids. I started to think about how this always affects us and our ability to maintain our lives. I had to stop the blamestorming than began to ensue in my mind.
At church I found myself being fault finding with her and my son for going to the bathroom during mass. Particularly right in the middle of important rites. When it came time to give each other a sign of peace she noticed that I seemed irritated. After the mass I made amends and explained that I was having trouble making peace with myself. This is true because I was experiencing excessive anger over something that I merely needed to talk to them objectively about later. I was feeling the need to correct them immediately and with malice.
The interesting thing about this was that the readings and homily were about real contrition, humility and devotion as being the way to God and not self-righteous legalism and judgement of others.
I think I will stop right now and make a better amends.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Last night I didn't write inventory because I kept trying to do it and getting interrupted and I finally just got so resentful and was exhausted and I couldn't do it.
Last night I didn't go to the meeting because I chose to keep the baby for Christie while she took the older kids to a Halloween festival at the park. I was kinda resentful about that.
I don't remember much about work yesterday except the growing fear over what's going to happen when the big group of customers get turned over to me next week. I keep seeing my trainer taking a lot of calls and I fear that I can't handle that many and especially the complexity of their issues. I fear that my coworkers are supportive in principle but aren't patient when it comes to the practice of helping me through issues. I also fear that they are not trained as trainers and don't do well explaining things to an ignorant person (myself).
Yesterday I got some great joy out of cleaning up and sanding a swing horse that came with the playscape. I set it up for the kids and they really like it.
This morning I got resentful at Christie and griped at her in a moment when she was trying to get off on their trip to a pumpkin patch and they were late and the kids were not cooperating. I told her she is overextending herself and it affects us all. Maybe I need to tel her this in an objective way. But I was angry and self-righteous, so I was excessively fault-finding.
While they were gone I spent most of the morning doing basic indoor chores. I was grateful to get the solice and to be able to get them done. I did well not to get resentful that I don't get to do outdoor chores that need to be done, though I am getting resentful thinking about it now.
But I guess it was worth it when my kids came home and told me about what a great tie they had painting pumpkins, exploring the patch, riding rides, eating foods and spending time with their friends. Another great thing was that I got to spend time listening to great teaching and doing some reflecting about the scriptures and the spiritual life.
Tonight I got to go to Stepping Stones. The topic was a reading from the 12 x 12 on practicing these principles in all our affairs. This brought to mind some simple practices that help me out a lot in all my affairs:
Corrective Measures
----------------------------------------------------
I ask God to remove my fear of the new job responsibilities I am about to enter into
I should be more cognizant of practicing the principles in all my affairs
Last night I didn't go to the meeting because I chose to keep the baby for Christie while she took the older kids to a Halloween festival at the park. I was kinda resentful about that.
I don't remember much about work yesterday except the growing fear over what's going to happen when the big group of customers get turned over to me next week. I keep seeing my trainer taking a lot of calls and I fear that I can't handle that many and especially the complexity of their issues. I fear that my coworkers are supportive in principle but aren't patient when it comes to the practice of helping me through issues. I also fear that they are not trained as trainers and don't do well explaining things to an ignorant person (myself).
Yesterday I got some great joy out of cleaning up and sanding a swing horse that came with the playscape. I set it up for the kids and they really like it.
This morning I got resentful at Christie and griped at her in a moment when she was trying to get off on their trip to a pumpkin patch and they were late and the kids were not cooperating. I told her she is overextending herself and it affects us all. Maybe I need to tel her this in an objective way. But I was angry and self-righteous, so I was excessively fault-finding.
While they were gone I spent most of the morning doing basic indoor chores. I was grateful to get the solice and to be able to get them done. I did well not to get resentful that I don't get to do outdoor chores that need to be done, though I am getting resentful thinking about it now.
But I guess it was worth it when my kids came home and told me about what a great tie they had painting pumpkins, exploring the patch, riding rides, eating foods and spending time with their friends. Another great thing was that I got to spend time listening to great teaching and doing some reflecting about the scriptures and the spiritual life.
Tonight I got to go to Stepping Stones. The topic was a reading from the 12 x 12 on practicing these principles in all our affairs. This brought to mind some simple practices that help me out a lot in all my affairs:
- Fault-Finding is to be avoided like the plague
- Blame should be eliminated from my vocabulary
- I must be Long Tempered since I have a short fuse
Corrective Measures
----------------------------------------------------
I ask God to remove my fear of the new job responsibilities I am about to enter into
I should be more cognizant of practicing the principles in all my affairs
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Yesterday I thought I may have passed the kidney stone but I'm not certain. I didn't take any medication today. I felt progressively worse, less energy, loss of focus, inability to concentrate and finally exhausted this evening. I think I'm feeling pain but I can't say for sure. I'm afraid the pain is going to have to get suddenly severe like last time before I can be sure.
Today at work I felt some lack of resolve to be an example of the spiritual life. Some persons kinda got on my nerves. Fortunately I didn't get tested on this resolve openly, just internally. I realized that my resentment was based on my need to be the center of attention. For whatever reason this old dependence cropped up. In a God centered worldview I do not have to be the God of those around me. I am not my own God either.
I did ok helping customers today.
On my way down the street after work I ran into the homeless guy I give to. I wasn't redy, I was confused and I thought I didn't have any change. I tolf him no "I don't have any". I felt a little guilty but not too bad because of my state. Then I realized that I did have spare change.
Tonight I set the tv to a religious program that I really didn't want to watch but there was nothing else on and I had to feed the baby. There was a famous person on bearing witness to the benefits of living the spiritual life. He talked about his worldy success and his mental breakdown. He talked about being sober but being spiritually sick. He talked about his conversion and his new life. I feel lifted up now.
Today was another "Best day of my life".
Corrective Measures
------------------------------------
I will be more eager to help.
I will stop and check to see if I have change.
I will trust in God to get me through this little difficulty with my health.
Today at work I felt some lack of resolve to be an example of the spiritual life. Some persons kinda got on my nerves. Fortunately I didn't get tested on this resolve openly, just internally. I realized that my resentment was based on my need to be the center of attention. For whatever reason this old dependence cropped up. In a God centered worldview I do not have to be the God of those around me. I am not my own God either.
I did ok helping customers today.
On my way down the street after work I ran into the homeless guy I give to. I wasn't redy, I was confused and I thought I didn't have any change. I tolf him no "I don't have any". I felt a little guilty but not too bad because of my state. Then I realized that I did have spare change.
Tonight I set the tv to a religious program that I really didn't want to watch but there was nothing else on and I had to feed the baby. There was a famous person on bearing witness to the benefits of living the spiritual life. He talked about his worldy success and his mental breakdown. He talked about being sober but being spiritually sick. He talked about his conversion and his new life. I feel lifted up now.
Today was another "Best day of my life".
Corrective Measures
------------------------------------
I will be more eager to help.
I will stop and check to see if I have change.
I will trust in God to get me through this little difficulty with my health.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I got to help a friend today with the experience of working through marital issues.
I was able to help a customer I was afraid of through a support call today.
I got to go to a meeting tonight. A guy celebrating 3 years asked me to present him with his keytag. I was honored because he is a real heavy hitter in recovery. He helps a lot of guys and it is a privelege to know him. He inspires me to do the deal.
I felt my initiative to help others come back today.
I had to watch myself around a new girl at the meeting tonight.
My feelings were consistent and level today. I was probably thinking of myself too much.
Corrective Measures
------------------------------------------
I must act like I would if my wife was present all the time. On some accounts I don't need to be so guarded as long as I am loyal and respectful. On some accounts I need to keep my mind loyal.
I must think of others more.
I was able to help a customer I was afraid of through a support call today.
I got to go to a meeting tonight. A guy celebrating 3 years asked me to present him with his keytag. I was honored because he is a real heavy hitter in recovery. He helps a lot of guys and it is a privelege to know him. He inspires me to do the deal.
I felt my initiative to help others come back today.
I had to watch myself around a new girl at the meeting tonight.
My feelings were consistent and level today. I was probably thinking of myself too much.
Corrective Measures
------------------------------------------
I must act like I would if my wife was present all the time. On some accounts I don't need to be so guarded as long as I am loyal and respectful. On some accounts I need to keep my mind loyal.
I must think of others more.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tonight I really felt the strain of not being able to focus on one train of thought at a time. I almost don't even care about my own desires, just to be able to carry through my duties and the requests of my wife an kids without being haranged by another and another. This is probably morbid reflection, self pity and selfishness.
Today was actually a pretty good day. After getting off to a tough start I prayed for willingness to let God present me with whatever the rest of the day had to offer. I asked for help to feel better and be willing to be open to it and not make up my mind it was going to be bad.
As the day unfolded I got off to a good start. I got an early phone call about an ongoing issue and I was able to solve it for the customer after days of not being able to get anywhere. I looked out over the hills and there was a beautiful gold reflection of the sunrise that stood out in bright contrast to the dark horizon of the hills. A few minutes later the sunlight fell on a building and reflected brightly into the windows and flooded the room with gold.
Today at times I felt it is impossible for me to work with others, I am just overwhelmed with family responsibilities. Perhaps I should just focus on my family as my primary purpose right now.
Corrective Measures
-------------------------------------------
I will stay open to what God has in store for me
I will will stay willing to help others as God sees fit
I will refrain from morbid reflection
Today was actually a pretty good day. After getting off to a tough start I prayed for willingness to let God present me with whatever the rest of the day had to offer. I asked for help to feel better and be willing to be open to it and not make up my mind it was going to be bad.
As the day unfolded I got off to a good start. I got an early phone call about an ongoing issue and I was able to solve it for the customer after days of not being able to get anywhere. I looked out over the hills and there was a beautiful gold reflection of the sunrise that stood out in bright contrast to the dark horizon of the hills. A few minutes later the sunlight fell on a building and reflected brightly into the windows and flooded the room with gold.
Today at times I felt it is impossible for me to work with others, I am just overwhelmed with family responsibilities. Perhaps I should just focus on my family as my primary purpose right now.
Corrective Measures
-------------------------------------------
I will stay open to what God has in store for me
I will will stay willing to help others as God sees fit
I will refrain from morbid reflection
Monday, October 22, 2007
10/23/07 8:00 AM
Yesterday when I got off of work I was exhausted. All I could think about was going to sleep. At home I cooked dinner, got the kids fed, did some cleaning and started to get ready for a meeting. I figured I couldn't make it without a power nap. I laid down at 6:45 and never woke up until 11:50. I went back to bed and slept until the morning and I still had a hard time getting going. I never did an evening review that's why I'm doing it this morning.
The day yesterday was a bit of a down day. I had to catch my slight depression a couple of times during the day. When I did, I sought gratitude and it worked.
At one point in particular I was walking down the street and felt as if I were being sucked into a whirlpool of self pity. I prayed for return of inspired thinking and the thought of well-being through helping others came to mind. I looked around at the people I saw and thought of their suffering and prayed for them. The change I felt was immediate. I felt like I was in a new world. I looked around with a new set of eyes and a new heart and felt joy in my life again.
As I returned home the thought came to mind of the BB quote "who was I to say there is no God?" And a recent inspiration that I haven't thought through came back to mind. I related this to the idea of contempt prior to investigation. I thought of my poor skepticism in light of the limited scope of my research and knowledge on the subject. I thought of my recent observation of the volatile feelings that arise when we talk of spiritual matters with those who don't believe.
I don't remember much of the specific nature of my shortcomings yesterday but I do remember being feeling down and seeking renewal. Sometimes I was slow to act so I could do this better today.
I also didn't call the doctor like I should have so I should do this today.
Yesterday when I got off of work I was exhausted. All I could think about was going to sleep. At home I cooked dinner, got the kids fed, did some cleaning and started to get ready for a meeting. I figured I couldn't make it without a power nap. I laid down at 6:45 and never woke up until 11:50. I went back to bed and slept until the morning and I still had a hard time getting going. I never did an evening review that's why I'm doing it this morning.
The day yesterday was a bit of a down day. I had to catch my slight depression a couple of times during the day. When I did, I sought gratitude and it worked.
At one point in particular I was walking down the street and felt as if I were being sucked into a whirlpool of self pity. I prayed for return of inspired thinking and the thought of well-being through helping others came to mind. I looked around at the people I saw and thought of their suffering and prayed for them. The change I felt was immediate. I felt like I was in a new world. I looked around with a new set of eyes and a new heart and felt joy in my life again.
As I returned home the thought came to mind of the BB quote "who was I to say there is no God?" And a recent inspiration that I haven't thought through came back to mind. I related this to the idea of contempt prior to investigation. I thought of my poor skepticism in light of the limited scope of my research and knowledge on the subject. I thought of my recent observation of the volatile feelings that arise when we talk of spiritual matters with those who don't believe.
I don't remember much of the specific nature of my shortcomings yesterday but I do remember being feeling down and seeking renewal. Sometimes I was slow to act so I could do this better today.
I also didn't call the doctor like I should have so I should do this today.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Last night I was resentful at Christie for getting angry with the baby and the kids every time they woke her up. I was selfish because I didn't consider how many times she had to get up with the baby overnight. I selpt real good while she had to get up every 2 hours, make a bottle, fed the baby and burp her til she was ready to go back to sleep.
This morning I felt frustrated when our middle child wanted his special cup with water which I had just given to little sister with milk. I had to stop my brainstorm and try to be flexible and consider the best solution might be to start over. I washed and switched out cups and everybody was happy. This isn't a big deal except that i considered it a lesson going forward.
I will try to stop when agitated or doubtful and try to be flexible.
Today in reflecting back on the convention I remembered a couple of times when women crossed the boundary of platonic friendliness and acted in a way that offered more. I realized that I haven't been inventorying this and I need to make sure not to ignore it.
This evening I yelled at the kids a couple of times. Once for pouring out half a can of coffee and another time for talking too much.
Christie got frustrated with the church staff today for the chaos in the balcony and for the lack of childcare. I had to resist the impulse to take her inventory and try to fix her inability to focus.
This morning before church I went out on the deck in the springlike morning and had a cup of coffee and studied the scripture readings for the mass.
Fr. James spoke of celebrating All Saints Day and All Hallows Eve and not just celebrating the secular Halloween.
This afternoon Bobby Jr. and I watched the Cowboys beat the Vikings. I reflected how empty a life based on sports scores is. This evening I spent time outside with the kids.
The past few days I've been in regular contact with my sponsor
Corrective measures
--------------------------------------------
I must not yell at the kids in anger
This morning I felt frustrated when our middle child wanted his special cup with water which I had just given to little sister with milk. I had to stop my brainstorm and try to be flexible and consider the best solution might be to start over. I washed and switched out cups and everybody was happy. This isn't a big deal except that i considered it a lesson going forward.
I will try to stop when agitated or doubtful and try to be flexible.
Today in reflecting back on the convention I remembered a couple of times when women crossed the boundary of platonic friendliness and acted in a way that offered more. I realized that I haven't been inventorying this and I need to make sure not to ignore it.
This evening I yelled at the kids a couple of times. Once for pouring out half a can of coffee and another time for talking too much.
Christie got frustrated with the church staff today for the chaos in the balcony and for the lack of childcare. I had to resist the impulse to take her inventory and try to fix her inability to focus.
This morning before church I went out on the deck in the springlike morning and had a cup of coffee and studied the scripture readings for the mass.
Fr. James spoke of celebrating All Saints Day and All Hallows Eve and not just celebrating the secular Halloween.
This afternoon Bobby Jr. and I watched the Cowboys beat the Vikings. I reflected how empty a life based on sports scores is. This evening I spent time outside with the kids.
The past few days I've been in regular contact with my sponsor
Corrective measures
--------------------------------------------
I must not yell at the kids in anger