This morning I thought I heard a friend of mine call in to a radion program. I didn't have my cell phone at the time, I forgot it at home. So I called him when I got home tonight. He was in the worst kind of powerlessness over some personal issues. I talked to him for a little while and tried to be helpful. Since I wasn't expecting this I didn't have anything premeditated. However I was astounded at how much insight came to me about his situation. It seemed to me that he didn't really find my words helpful except to be able to talk about it and be supported by a friend. But this was another one of those times where I witnessed that thoughts came to mind that didn't really come from me. If they didn't help him they sure helped me.

Today when speaking to a customer I was a little perturbed and I felt pressued to give answers that I was ubcertain about. I need to let go of this fear and answer honestly next time.

I felt really good to be off the narcotic painkiller again today. I wasn't tired or depressed and I never got sleepy even though I had a really hard time getting up and completely missed breakfast. The day went by very steadily and I was busy and productive all day. I felt industrious, insightful and productive all day.

I called my guy going through the steps right now. I thought about step one, step 11 and the resentment inventory today.

Today we really struggled at church with Ivan and Eva. Fortunately we got up very early, were well prepared and I had watched the mass. So I didn't have to get angry for not being able to hear the homily. Today's Gospel was the story of Zacchaeus. A bishop from Africa gave the Homily. He had a booming voice and had an accent which sounded like a melodic verse. He laid out some profound observations about the story. Later we spoke as a family about the story and we sang the song all day.

Christie and I set aside our differences from last night and had a good day.

Tonight our meeting topic was page 20 - 21. Before the meeting I was having thoughts that I should change my approach to recovery. That I shouldn't devote so much of my time and thought life to it. The reading tonight seemed synchronous with my mental state. I made some observations in my share and some more afterwards about what those pages tell me:

• The markers of the disease. The observations that one can make that apply to a pathological condition that explains why I behave the way I do. How I and society were oblivious to this understanding and thus were baffled by my actions.
  *I wish I would have recalled the similarity that this has to what I encountered with Ivan's autism and how I was oblivious to his disorder until the markers were pointed out to me.
• The Mr. Hyde factor. The realization that another entity took over my mind under the influence of the obsession. And that I was not in control of my actions no matter how bad it harmed me, the ones I love and the things I valued.
• The observations that give substance and weight to the grave nature of my condition.
• The model of progression of the symptoms and the points of no return; the deadly milestones.

I am grateful that I went tonight because the importance of my recovery activities was reinforced.

Today I had to pause a few times and wait before speaking angrily.
Today I switched to a non-narcotic painkiller.
I got some yardwork done that was really bothering me.
I worked on our home rules some.

This morning I saw the squatter from the roof across the street on the street corner as I walked to get some tacos. We made eye contact and he acted as if he wanted to approach me but I avoided him. I realized that I have judged him and I should stop and pray for him instead.

Today I got the opportunity to express my faith a little with someone that I didn't expect to.

Tonight I got to go to a speaker meeting. The speaker was a guy that I turned down to sponsor. At the time I was honestly overbooked. I had several guys going through the work so I hooked him up with another guy who I was encouraging to be a sponsor. That guy relapsed.

So as he got started I was feeling bad for turning him down again. But when his current sponsor introduced him and he told the story about how they hooked up I knew it was God's will.

The baby's crying so it must be God's will for me to end with that.

This morning I woke up very late and was not ready at all. I simply persevered, tried not to let myself get too agitated and made it to work just a little late. It all ended up ok even though my emotions were trying tell me it was terrible.

At mid-morning I went down the street to get some breakfast tacos. As I went around the corner I saw a guy straining to see someone walking down the street. He was looking at a girl in tiny black shorts, a very short midriffs and a baton under a garter. She looked like a stripper still in her Halloween costume. I speculated that she was just ending her party from last night and maybe got stuck somewhere downtown. She didn't look too happy and was having to walk alone in front of some very menacing looking characters. There were other little synchronicities in the next few minutes like a guy talking to another behind me at the restaurant that the party's over and something else I didn't recall that made grateful I don't have to end up in those situation anymore.

I got to go to the noon meeting downtown at lunch. The reading was the second part of step 12 in the 12 x 12. It sure seemed like a synchronous event that a meeting was this topic again. It was easy to share about it as a recent meeting I went to was on the same topic and I later was meditating about it.

Tonight my wife got angry at me and the kids and I had to practice the principles at home. I had to resist fighting with her or putting expectations on her and just try to be kind, tolerant and forgiving. I had to set a boundary of not arguing.

Tonight I am irritated because it's late and I can't get to this review. I am just trying to turn from my anger at my wife and pray for it to be removed right now. It's not her fault but my mind wants to blame her for going shopping and leaving me with the kids last night after her meeting and then for dragging her feet getting the kids to bed tonight.

No matter what the circumstances the disturbance is within me. I can only affect what is in me. I can't or shouldn't do anything about her. I am dragging yesterdays baggage into this moment and it is making it worse. I am hyper-irritable because of my nature as a dis-ordered spirit.

All this observation is helpful but isn't the source of my relief. The bottom line is I must access God's power to transform me within. I am absolutely certain of this power.

Last night I didn't get to do my review. Right now I am very concerned about being disciplined about this work and am valuing it highly. Perhaps too much so. Last night I was by myself with the kids and bent on getting the kids to bed and getting to my review. Then my 3 year old started throwing up. He vomited all over himself in his bed. Then just as I was finishing cleaning it up he vomited and choked on it in our bed.

This set me back so far that it was midnight before I knew it and I just had to go to bed.

I thank God that he is ok and that he was just sick from eting too much cheese. I also thank God that he has a great mother who took good care of him this morning.

But I am still selfish I am still thinking mostly of myself.

At noon I got to go to a meeting.

I can hear the baby and her mother so I must end this and go help. Today was a good day. I got to do Halloween with the kids and my son was able to have a great time.

Last night I had one of my demon animal dreams. I was dreaming I was on a quest. I was coming down a mountain, across a dark valley through a forest, over a river to an ancient ruin. As I entered the grounds I approached a gate and sensed that I was in imminent danger. At that moment I began to fly by faith. I also sensed the intercession of a saint got me off the ground somehow. As I flew over the gate and courtyard I looked down and saw a sleeping brown bear. The bear woke up and saw me and started to follow me on they ground, I watched it mesmerised somehow by it's harmlessness.

Just as I realized it was leaping for me I felt time moving slower for me than the bear. The bear had turned into a white polar bear with huge teeth and long claws. I panicked as I realised I was much lower than I thought but it was too late. A huge clawed arm swung at me and I closed my eyes, jerked for the pain and prayed frantically. I felt the swoosh of motion but no pain. I opened my eyes to see that I had moved 3 times higher and out of the bear's reach.

I moved into a room and felt like I was safe. A man in a flannel shirt approached me faintly from across the room. I began to remember that I couldn't trust the situation and I needed to get moving fast to the next door. Just then the man drew closer and I noticed how large and menacing he was. I realized he was the size of the bear. I was too far away from the door. The wall and the bear both suddenly rushed closer and I was jerked through the door by an angel.

These dreams are always an indicator of a spiritual disturbance in me. In looking at where this may be coming from I always first look at the vital spiritual practices and where I may be lapsing. To cut to the chase, I don't see any gaps. What is clear is that I am exposed to the physical allergy because of the medication I'm taking. I don't have any conscience desire to use, but the obsession must be having a field day in my subconscious.

I got a call this afternoon from an atheist friend of mind. We got caught up on things and got into a lively discussion about faith. I let him know that these talks strengthen me in the foundation of my belief and my ability to communicate with those who are struggling with their faith. I might not convince him but I might help someone who is trying to believe. I was grateful to be able to speak to him from a practical perspective and be willing to put faith to the test of reason.

I heard from a brother of mine in Christ tonight. His story about giving served to exhort me to give more selflessly when I feel the Spirit move me.

Tonight my sponsor called me and asked me to stay accountable with him on a daily basis about my medication. I let him know I am taking as little as possible.

I went to a meeting even though I think I will be tired in the morning. A guy that I didn't recognized called me by name and remembered me from our childhood, he is a newcomer. A guy in the meeting shared that he is getting glimpses of feeling human again. I got to speak to a guy that I a taking through the work and we set an appointment for Friday.

The meeting was very powerful.