Today I got angry and said a terrible thing. I said thayt it was stupid that I had this many kids. In doing so I insulted my wife, my kids, and worst of all... God.

Right before I said it I heard a ringing in my ears. I thought for a moment that God was trying to help me not to say it. But I did anyway. For this I am truly sorry.

I have a really great life and I thank God for it. My kids are the greatest joy in my life and I truly love them with all my heart. As I was kissing the littlest one tonight, I thought that I don't deserve them. I thought that if I don't strive to resist my self-centeredness then I will lose them. If I lost them, I would wish to oblivion that I could have them back.

Some people don't get so lucky. How many of them would give anything to trade places with me?

God, I am tuly sorry please forgive me.

Later Note: Last night I woke up from a nightmare that something, a head that I couldn't see, was trying to bite me at my waist. I was desperately fighting it off and then I woke up in the dream. But I woke up in a different house. Then I desperately realized that I was still in teh dream. The head came back and this time instead of waking up, the entity grew and cover me and was trying to devour me. I shook writhed tryin gto wake up my wife and I finally yelled loud enough to get her attention and she woke me up.

In the morning my son woke me up as usual except that he was frightened. He said that he looked over the edge of the bed and there was a dark figure there. He said it was a black head.

It is Tuesday morning and I wanted to write this because I think it is related to the spriritual event that happened yesterday.

I also wanted to remember that my wife woke up last night in a nightmare screaming about what was on the ceiling. She said it was a figure doing jumping jacks.

This morning I realized that yesterday had something in common with the day I threw a toy through the window. I had a chance to pause when agitated and I didn't.

Tonight I find myself irritable, tired and discontent. I am grateful for my life but I am not showing it. I love my kids but right now I just feel the fatigue of their naintenance.

I prayed for God's will to be done and I received a thought that I can start over with them as soon as I finish this mediatation.

We made it to Church on time today and we practiced baseball again. I am in a great deal of financial fear but i still trust that God will come through in the eleventh hour.

I had some thoughts of spiritual matters today but I don't recall what they were.

This morning I got to sleep in until 8:00. I fed the kids, we had a good morning and I was able to do some cleaning. I was able to do some service work on the area website at mid morning and I got to speak to a guy in the fellowship. After that I got to do some much needed yardwork.

I came in for a late lunch and got resentful when I had to make lunch for the kids. I felt guilty right away as the thought came to mind that my wife got stuck alone with the kids last night.

I took a nap after lunch then got up in the afternoon and did some more yardwork. I ended up doing baseball practice with my son. I spent a lot of time in the backyard with my kids. I got to talk to my son about the importance of getting an education and the difference between a good job and a bad one.

Tonight I went to a Citywide Birthday Night. Several people got chips for years including 26, 10, and 7. There were also several 4's, 3's, 2's and 1's. One lady read an inspirational poem by The "Little Flower", Mother Theresa. A girl spoke of being able to go back to school and making the honor society. A guy spoke of hitting an emotional bottom even though everything looked ok on the outside, I thought he was telling my story. Another guy talked about how his car works right, his house is clean and he has money in the bank. He also spoke of making amends to a lady for stealing money from her safe and she asked him to speak at her halfway house. These things gave me hope and encouraged me to keep doing the deal.

I also picked up a chip for multiple years.

I remember the low spot I was at on that day I came back in the rooms. I had been around recovery for 5 years and couldn't stay sober. I didn't want to get another newcomer keytag. I was too ashamed that I was one of those people who just couldn't get it. I waited until I had 29 days and I picked it up so I could get a 30 day keytag the next night. I felt like I was not one of the "winners" a lot those days and like people didn't want to stick with me. One day I had the thought that if I prayed and meditated that day, read out of the big book, had a sponsor, went to a meeting, did service work...that day, that I had done more than 90% of the people in the fellowship. That I was in the top 10% of recovery!

I knew that this thought came from the wrong motive, but I thanked God for the inspiration in that moment of low self esteem and excess ego. You see I realized that I must focus on the principles of the program, "one day at a time". That my sobriety should be measured by the quality of today, not the quantity of years. Not by my feelings or circumstances or material success or what other people think, but on the power that comes when I do the work.

I still try to keep that same focus on the principles today. Today was one of the few times I stand up and say that I have X number of years sober. I would rather say that today I prayed, watched, served, was accountable, and took direction. Today God gave me power, peace, happiness and sense of direction. Today was another "best day of my life".

This morning a guy chewed me out at work. He tore into me about the problems he was having with the service my employer provides. I caught myself beginning to react emotionally to his verbal assault. I was starting to breathe hard, have difficulty thinking and to get angry. I paused and sought power and spiritual focus. I was able to record fairly precisely what he said and to just deflect his verbal blows. After I got him off the phone I asked God for releief and I was able to take the next right action.

Everything turned out ok, my boss was able to resolve it and the guy apologized.

I pray now that I can not just think of myself but to genuinely forgive another human being.

This was the third day of the roughest time of the year at work and I am again grateful for good employment.

I got to go to the noon meeting. As we finished the story we are on I realized that it related to the issue I had been pondering about the more sordid details of my story. The story details a life that started with an abusive childhood and detailed a very low bottom life. We started the next story and it detailed a very different beginning of a great childhood, religious life and success. It did end in a low bottom.

It made me realize that our spiritual sickness is not necessarily because of the bad things that happened to us. So therefore the focus must be on our condition not the circumstantial causes.

We have a physical allergy and a spiritual malady.

The spiritual malady comes from being disconnected from God.

How much we drank, how low we went, what abuse we suffered doesn't matter near as much as the description of the feelings of being spiritually vacant.

Tonight I went to a speaker meeting. I probably wouldn't have gone if I would have remembered it was a speaker. I am grateful that I went. The speaker gives a great face to CA.

She shared a very sordid story with a lot of abuse early in childhood. That didn't matter. What was good was that she balanced what happened, with what it was like and what it is like now. She had a solution to share. Even though she is going through some personal difficulty and was very distracted and she felt like whe was not on top of her game, she did a great job. I can tell that she has better in her, but it didn't matter because she is focused on the principles.

Even when our personality falls short, the principles come through if we are living them.

I had another one of those "WHOA" moments when I ran into another hard core dude from the old hood. He recognized me, we talked and knew some mutual acquaintances but I didn't realize WHO he was until he told me his name. He seemed alot more open minded than I would have expected.

I began to think that it is good for us addicts to hear the hard core stories. I guess the experiences can be categorized in high bottom, hard core and low bottom. I have more than one experience to share.

Today I thought about emotional sobriety. I thought about thinking of emotions as a mind altering substance than a feeling.

I also thought about sharing more on the hopeless feelings rather than the most shocking excesses I went through.

I heard a guy call step 10 the "pay attention" step.

Toay was VERY busy at work again but I thought about how lucky I was that my busiest day at my new job is a walk in the park compared to my last two jobs. I was also grateful at how the last two jobs prepared me for my current job.

Tonight I found myself getting angry about something my wife was doing. I thought about how I needed to stop and pray. I found myself detested by the idea as it brought my blamestorm to a screeching halt. It helped me to think of my emotion as a mind altering substance.

I got to talk to a grasshopper today. He talked to about a lot of things going on in his life mostly good. But he casually referred to how he quit smoking. It really struck me what a miracle it was.

A short time after I prayed for God to take my anger I had a moment of good fortune. This made me think of the idea that good deeds bring good fortune. I thought of how this is a common feeling that most men share even if they don't believe in God. Most people call it good Kharma. I remembered that this was a piece of my coming to believe.

Today was an extremely busy day at work. I was able to persevere in difficult circumstances. At one point a guy told me he didn't like the way I did my job. I prayed for God to save me from being angry. Later we had a difficult conversation and I had to tell him things he didn't like. He got angry and threatened to cancel his account. I got through this ok and didn't feel bad about it much.


This evening I am ready to sleep.

This morning I had to handle all the kids while my wife slept in until 10:30 because she took my son and neice out last night. It was a good morning but I caught myself going from 0 to 90 in anger in frustrated moments. I noticed it was when I had to change directions, or shift my focus or I getting sidetracked from what I was trying to do for some "urgent" matter like a video game not working. Looking back on that I realize that I didn't really pray "God save me from being angry" like I should have, or maybe I did. Whatever the case I see the pattern that there is a resentment hiding just under the surface of my conscious mind.

My ambitions (plans) are what are affected.

When I set my mind to something, anything, even trivial tasks, I am too dependent on following them through sequentially. To the extent that I value them more than the people around me. - Selfish, - Inconsiderate

I should be willing to be more flexible.

I was a little resentful that my wife didn't get up earlier. I focused on being grateful that she did good things for my kids last night. I must remember that even thought this works to some extent it is not the program. I must examine my motives and ask God to help me be willing to release this defect of self righteous judging.

This morning I read and meditated on the Daily Reflection:

I AM A MIRACLE , January 1
The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25

This truly is a fact in my life today, and a real miracle. I always believed in God, but could never put that belief meaningfully into my life. Today, because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I now trust and rely on God, as I understand Him; I am sober today because of that! Learning to trust and rely on God was something I could never have done alone. I now believe in miracles because I am one!

The website listed it related to Step 2. I wondered why this would be in January and not be on Step 1. I thought it must refer to the fact that Step 1 IS "The Miracle". It got me thinking that it must be sort of a transition from Step 12 in December sinc the last focus was on "all our affairs". Perhaps this was to bring us back to our Primary Purpose.

Another perspective might be that a 12th Step well performed always reconnects me with Step 1.

Tonight at a meeting I shared about this.

The meeting got off to a good start with the chairperson reading the format and the "closed meeting" statement and using the Daily Reflections as the topic. Then he went the "short" (10-15 minute) version of his story. It wasn't too bad except that it sounded like a drug addict story until he got to the end where he said he sold drugs to keep up his drinking habit. I still thought it was a singleness of purpose foul.

Then the chairperson called o his friend who just walked in and who didn't know what the topic was. He shared his story awkwardly and tried to talk for the full 5 minutes. The meeting felt like it had derailed.

I raised my hand and tried to bring my share back on what I thought was the topic, the miracle of step one. Not just my story but the idea that God was a Power that performed a miracle in me to restore me to sanity. I didn't do a very good job but I felt like I had done my 12th Step job for the day.

After the meeting I spoke to a guy who looked like he needed someone to talk to and I felt like I should have reached out with contact info to him. I realize now that it was because he was primarily alcoholic.

On my way home I thought more about the reflection and about "The Miracle". I remembered an insight a few weeks back that I'm not sure I wrote about so I want to get my thoughts down.

All my life I never witnessed a tangible Miracle. This was one of the reasons that I didn't have real faith. I believed that there was a God. But I thought this was just for the afterlife. I saw some synchronicities and even had some dreams and possible intuitions. But I never saw water turn into wine. Until I came to AA.

It was this witness that produced the 1st Step Miracle for me. When I heard other alcoholics give a description of their hopeless state of mind and body. When the described the nature of their disease. The light came on for me. I saw that I was medically incurable.

The miracle was that I could now see the truth about myself, The walls of denial and delusion were broken. I found willingness to consider that I needed to get this power in my heart.

They admitted; I admitted.

"We admitted..."