I made it to work on time this morning; that's a big deal to me.
I was very busy and still kept up. I had to keep myself focused on work several times but I was grateful that all of my time is productive now and I am a contributor.
During some isp down time I got to work on a creative personal project making a nice diagram to help people learn the system.
At noon I got to go to the meeting; the topic was step 11.
Today was a good Valentines Day, I thought about how much better things are than this day 5 years ago. I am grateful to have a loving wife today and for the family she has given to me.
I had some important thoughts that I wanted to get down earlier but I've forgotten them.
I thought that maybe I work a perfect program. So many people say that they don't work a perfect program. I think what they typically mean is that they don't practice the steps completely. I don't mean perfect technique or perfect execution, but I mean that I do them every day without fail, my life depends on it.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Today at noon I started on my way to the meeting. I got a strange intuition to go back to work. My boss came back and talked to us about some important work stuff also. I thought maybe that 1 year might be the right time frame to talk to womeone about my primary purpose. Maybe it would good to be a proven asset to the company.
I thought some about the spiritual experience. Perhaps it is 1-2-3 and 3-2-1. Perhaps the first experience is the paraadigm shift of 1-2-3, then comes the building the foundation of 1-2-3, then comes growing in action - 3, growing in faith - 2, and living a powerful, inspired life - 1.
I had another thought about step 2:
I had to recognize the need to believe
I had to become willing to believe
I had to become able to believe
I have to Get solid in my belief
I have Grow in my belief
I must be able to communicate my belief
I must be able to abandon myself to my belief
I thought some about the spiritual experience. Perhaps it is 1-2-3 and 3-2-1. Perhaps the first experience is the paraadigm shift of 1-2-3, then comes the building the foundation of 1-2-3, then comes growing in action - 3, growing in faith - 2, and living a powerful, inspired life - 1.
I had another thought about step 2:
I had to recognize the need to believe
I had to become willing to believe
I had to become able to believe
I have to Get solid in my belief
I have Grow in my belief
I must be able to communicate my belief
I must be able to abandon myself to my belief
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
7:18 am - Last night I was sick and went to bed at 6:00 pm. I didn't do an evening review that's 2 times in a 7 day period. This mornign I woke up having a using dream. The planning and making arrangements in the dream were long. The actual using was just about to start. What I remember most profoundly were the going around with a nagging motive for a long time and the look and texture of the substance.
A couple of important thoughts today:
How does the program inventory differ from the good behavior I did before?
Before I made a shift in thinking in which I saw that it was harmful to fight with people. I strove to turn away conscious anger or expressing anger. I still indulged myself on the inside.
I didn't use a process to ensure that I was truly free from the resentment.
I repressed a lot or did not acknowledge my true feelings.
I didn't get down to causes and conditions.
I didn't have any power other than will power.
About Step 2:
I had to want to believe first, I had to have a reason to need spirituality.
Then I had to be willing to believe even thought I couldn't actually do it.
Then I had to build up that belief by reasoning why I believed.
Then I had to keep up that belief by spiritual growth and maintenance.
I went to the noon meeting today the topic was step 10 from the 12 x 12. I thought about how continous inventory keeps clear the channel to the power that restores me to sanity. I spoke about how this happens at both a deep psychological level and a deep spiritual level. By deep I mean deep within where I can't see consciously or in spiritual terms "behind the veil". I shared about how I had another episode of not doing my review and having using dreams. The dreams are a window to what is going on in the unconscious mind. I remember also that my relapses happened without warning that there was no conscious thought about using or drinking beforehand.
This morning I woke up feeling sick and tired but I persevered to try and make it to work. By mid morning I felt better.
This evening my wife called me and told me we are broke in our bank ccount we are about to be overdrawn again and pay the associated fees. She was calling to warn me that there was no dinner. In the moments after our conversation I started to get angery and I thought of a few ways to try and manage her spending and time management. I caught myself and had to resist. I asked God to save me from being angry. I was able to come home, keep a cheerful spirit and b helpful to her. She was having a bad afternon but in a short time it got better.
We spent the evening watching home movies of my oldest son's first year.
I am grateful for good health and good living.
A couple of important thoughts today:
How does the program inventory differ from the good behavior I did before?
Before I made a shift in thinking in which I saw that it was harmful to fight with people. I strove to turn away conscious anger or expressing anger. I still indulged myself on the inside.
I didn't use a process to ensure that I was truly free from the resentment.
I repressed a lot or did not acknowledge my true feelings.
I didn't get down to causes and conditions.
I didn't have any power other than will power.
About Step 2:
I had to want to believe first, I had to have a reason to need spirituality.
Then I had to be willing to believe even thought I couldn't actually do it.
Then I had to build up that belief by reasoning why I believed.
Then I had to keep up that belief by spiritual growth and maintenance.
I went to the noon meeting today the topic was step 10 from the 12 x 12. I thought about how continous inventory keeps clear the channel to the power that restores me to sanity. I spoke about how this happens at both a deep psychological level and a deep spiritual level. By deep I mean deep within where I can't see consciously or in spiritual terms "behind the veil". I shared about how I had another episode of not doing my review and having using dreams. The dreams are a window to what is going on in the unconscious mind. I remember also that my relapses happened without warning that there was no conscious thought about using or drinking beforehand.
This morning I woke up feeling sick and tired but I persevered to try and make it to work. By mid morning I felt better.
This evening my wife called me and told me we are broke in our bank ccount we are about to be overdrawn again and pay the associated fees. She was calling to warn me that there was no dinner. In the moments after our conversation I started to get angery and I thought of a few ways to try and manage her spending and time management. I caught myself and had to resist. I asked God to save me from being angry. I was able to come home, keep a cheerful spirit and b helpful to her. She was having a bad afternon but in a short time it got better.
We spent the evening watching home movies of my oldest son's first year.
I am grateful for good health and good living.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
This morning I was able to get up early and have some quality time for prayer and meditation. I was able to reflect upon the Sriptures and Daily Reflection. The scripture readings were about the nature of sin and The Temptation of Christ. The Daily reflection was the second step proposition. I thought this was a synchronous occurence.
I thought about how I read daily reflections because it goes throught the steps once a month and each day's reading starts with a quote from a text. But I also reflected that this year I have seen several inconsistencies with the principles in some of the relections. I also noted last month that there could be better readings that actually go through more facets of the step. I got the idea to do my own Daily Reflection on the reading and possibly put together alternative readings to cover more concepts. Or just do a list of readings without the commentary.
I had the privilege of being able to witness to my son because he asked me what the mass was going to be about as we sat and waited before it started. I explained that today's mass was the Temptation of Christ in The Desert. He was very interested and I got to tell him about how the Devil came to Jesus and took Him to a mountain top and tempted him with anything all the kingdoms of the world. I was grateful to have already reflected on this at that time because my son had many questions as most seven year olds do. I had to explain to him what sin is and what temptation is.
Today I was had enough energy and initiative to get things done in the morning and keep a kind spirit. I took a short nap at midday and took my son to baseball practice. We didn't really know anyone but we were able to get out on the field and begin practicing with the others and taking a highly participative role without much self-consciousness. This is something that has been a great reward of sobriety that I want to take note of. My confidence in these situations is very helpful to my son. I see in him the same anxiety when he doesn't know others but for him it's just a short hitch where for me it was debilitating.
I confirmed today that Sunday's are not to be fast days of Lent they are Feast Days of the Lord. It was very nice to drink a tea for lunch and a soda for dinner.
This afternoon we watched the Pro Bowl while my wife an errands.
I was able to work on our broken dryer and determine we will need a repairman.
My wife got to go to her Co-Anon meeting tonight.
We saw the finger moon for the first time in my son's telescope.
The weather today was fine, the air tonight was crisp.
In the Gospel today I identify with Christ because I too am tempted by the things of this world and prone to forget that God must be everything. The fruits of my sobriety are a lot of good activities and things to maintain. But I can't let those things get between me and God. I have to remember to keep up my spiritual and recovery activities. Today the main thing I did to help others in recovery was to support my wife to go to her meeting. The thing I could have done better was to call a couple of people.
I'm grateful for another "Best day of my life".
When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crises we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What was our choice to be?
The Lord, your God, shall you worship
and him alone shall you serve.”
I thought about how I read daily reflections because it goes throught the steps once a month and each day's reading starts with a quote from a text. But I also reflected that this year I have seen several inconsistencies with the principles in some of the relections. I also noted last month that there could be better readings that actually go through more facets of the step. I got the idea to do my own Daily Reflection on the reading and possibly put together alternative readings to cover more concepts. Or just do a list of readings without the commentary.
I had the privilege of being able to witness to my son because he asked me what the mass was going to be about as we sat and waited before it started. I explained that today's mass was the Temptation of Christ in The Desert. He was very interested and I got to tell him about how the Devil came to Jesus and took Him to a mountain top and tempted him with anything all the kingdoms of the world. I was grateful to have already reflected on this at that time because my son had many questions as most seven year olds do. I had to explain to him what sin is and what temptation is.
Today I was had enough energy and initiative to get things done in the morning and keep a kind spirit. I took a short nap at midday and took my son to baseball practice. We didn't really know anyone but we were able to get out on the field and begin practicing with the others and taking a highly participative role without much self-consciousness. This is something that has been a great reward of sobriety that I want to take note of. My confidence in these situations is very helpful to my son. I see in him the same anxiety when he doesn't know others but for him it's just a short hitch where for me it was debilitating.
I confirmed today that Sunday's are not to be fast days of Lent they are Feast Days of the Lord. It was very nice to drink a tea for lunch and a soda for dinner.
This afternoon we watched the Pro Bowl while my wife an errands.
I was able to work on our broken dryer and determine we will need a repairman.
My wife got to go to her Co-Anon meeting tonight.
We saw the finger moon for the first time in my son's telescope.
The weather today was fine, the air tonight was crisp.
In the Gospel today I identify with Christ because I too am tempted by the things of this world and prone to forget that God must be everything. The fruits of my sobriety are a lot of good activities and things to maintain. But I can't let those things get between me and God. I have to remember to keep up my spiritual and recovery activities. Today the main thing I did to help others in recovery was to support my wife to go to her meeting. The thing I could have done better was to call a couple of people.
I'm grateful for another "Best day of my life".
When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crises we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What was our choice to be?
The Lord, your God, shall you worship
and him alone shall you serve.”
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Last night I fell asleep laying down with my sick son. I didn't do a review and I don't recall much about yesterday. I went to our Friday night meeting and hardly anyone showed up. One guy showed up about five minutes before the meeting and I suggested that he go to the other meeting then about 5 or 6 people showed up and we had a meeting. It ended up being better than I thought.
Today I woke up very late. I got resentful at my wife for waking up later than me again. I washed the dishes, picked up the house, got the kids out of bed and then cooked breakfast. I felt resentful that I couldn't do the outside housework and web stuff and writing that I want to do. My wife got up and was able to go straight to the computer.
I felt angry and tired and sick so I laid down and meditated. I realized that I was hanging on past resentments about my wife not being an early riser.
It didn't matter what the circumstances were, I just had to be rid of the resentment. I prayed and prayed for God to remove it and he did. I did a very focused meditation.
The rest of the day I slept a lot. I felt sick, I probably have what the whole family has had.
Later in the afternoon I was able to get going and get a few things done. I got both cars washed and some stuff cleaned up in the garage.
In the evening my oldest son my wife and I went out in the back yard and looked at stars in the telescope.
Today I woke up very late. I got resentful at my wife for waking up later than me again. I washed the dishes, picked up the house, got the kids out of bed and then cooked breakfast. I felt resentful that I couldn't do the outside housework and web stuff and writing that I want to do. My wife got up and was able to go straight to the computer.
I felt angry and tired and sick so I laid down and meditated. I realized that I was hanging on past resentments about my wife not being an early riser.
It didn't matter what the circumstances were, I just had to be rid of the resentment. I prayed and prayed for God to remove it and he did. I did a very focused meditation.
The rest of the day I slept a lot. I felt sick, I probably have what the whole family has had.
Later in the afternoon I was able to get going and get a few things done. I got both cars washed and some stuff cleaned up in the garage.
In the evening my oldest son my wife and I went out in the back yard and looked at stars in the telescope.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Another friend of mine died yesterday. He left behind a wife and son. I am grateful to have found recovery because I know now just how much greater the chances are that I could die if I kept (keep) on using. The death of Heath Ledger also confirms this. I don't think he was a far progressed addict. Like the two recent friends I believe they were accidental overdoses.
My wife called me at mid-morning and was feeling very bad. Even though she was better she was still sick and had to care for all the kids. She went to the doctor and has strep throat. I knew she wanted me to come home but I was afraid to take off from work again. I didn't even realize it but I was beginning to have low grade resentment.
I wanted to go to the noon meeting on time but I have been afraid to take too much time off at lunch or to talk to them about adjusting my schedule. I don't feel safe asking for time at lunch to go to an AA meeting. I went to the meeting but was about 15 minutes late.
The topic was on step 10. I sat in for about 5 minutes when I got a call from my wife. I decided to leave out of the meeting because I figured she needed me to come home. She called to tell me to come home on time, she was going to do laundry tonight, and we needed to do my kid's school project. I felt disturbed and out of sync and decided to go back to work. I thought maybe it was a rash decision but I decided on the way back that it was for the best because when I go to the meeting I take longer at lunch and stay late at the end of the day to compensate.
Tonight I brought home dinner, fed the kids, ironed my clothes for tomorrow and then bathed all three kids. After doing all that I went to lay down and my wife started telling me that I needed to get started on the kid's project. I got so irriteated that I didn't speak. Then she asked me if I was going to do it and I shouted ack NO to her. She got all pissed off and yelled what an asshole I was and other stuff and slammed doors and stomped around.
I didn't do that because I didn;t care. I didn;t think about it at all. I was just too tired to do anything else. I felt like she just demanded it then and couldn't accept that I couldn't do it.
I just asked God to save me from being angry and I laid down to sleep. I dozed into a short nap and I woke up with a second wind and I helped my kid do the project.
I thought about the topic of step 10. It is like taking my emotional pulse. It is like monitoring a seismograph of my emotions. When the needle starts registering out of the control limits I must summon a power to contain them.
I have to view my emotions as mind altering substances. When I have excessive emotional reactions, they become mind altering. I become under their influence and I lose objectivity. I must detach from my rationale, desires, motives, or judgement and just treat the emotions like the obsession to use.
In the evening I look at the disturbances of the last 24 hours and make sure that they are fully contained or look for aftershocks. I must then summon the power again to diffuse them once and for all.
My wife called me at mid-morning and was feeling very bad. Even though she was better she was still sick and had to care for all the kids. She went to the doctor and has strep throat. I knew she wanted me to come home but I was afraid to take off from work again. I didn't even realize it but I was beginning to have low grade resentment.
I wanted to go to the noon meeting on time but I have been afraid to take too much time off at lunch or to talk to them about adjusting my schedule. I don't feel safe asking for time at lunch to go to an AA meeting. I went to the meeting but was about 15 minutes late.
The topic was on step 10. I sat in for about 5 minutes when I got a call from my wife. I decided to leave out of the meeting because I figured she needed me to come home. She called to tell me to come home on time, she was going to do laundry tonight, and we needed to do my kid's school project. I felt disturbed and out of sync and decided to go back to work. I thought maybe it was a rash decision but I decided on the way back that it was for the best because when I go to the meeting I take longer at lunch and stay late at the end of the day to compensate.
Tonight I brought home dinner, fed the kids, ironed my clothes for tomorrow and then bathed all three kids. After doing all that I went to lay down and my wife started telling me that I needed to get started on the kid's project. I got so irriteated that I didn't speak. Then she asked me if I was going to do it and I shouted ack NO to her. She got all pissed off and yelled what an asshole I was and other stuff and slammed doors and stomped around.
I didn't do that because I didn;t care. I didn;t think about it at all. I was just too tired to do anything else. I felt like she just demanded it then and couldn't accept that I couldn't do it.
I just asked God to save me from being angry and I laid down to sleep. I dozed into a short nap and I woke up with a second wind and I helped my kid do the project.
I thought about the topic of step 10. It is like taking my emotional pulse. It is like monitoring a seismograph of my emotions. When the needle starts registering out of the control limits I must summon a power to contain them.
I have to view my emotions as mind altering substances. When I have excessive emotional reactions, they become mind altering. I become under their influence and I lose objectivity. I must detach from my rationale, desires, motives, or judgement and just treat the emotions like the obsession to use.
In the evening I look at the disturbances of the last 24 hours and make sure that they are fully contained or look for aftershocks. I must then summon the power again to diffuse them once and for all.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
This morning I decided to give up flavored drinkd for Lent except for OJ for the vitamin C. The idea is to give up indulgent dependencies. I don't think I should give up anything needed for nutritional purposes but rather the things that I don't need but just indulge in to feel better. I accidentally drank a coke at noon but I did observe the Ash Wednesday fast
In the morning my readings were synchronous with the events in my life and thought life. I even read the wrong day and that applied.
It has been a long and difficult day. I had my review at work and it went ok except that I got some feedback that is less than perfect. I also didn't feel comfortable talking about some things I have wanted to talk about to my boss. I got fearful to make any waves. I feel lucky to have any job right now.
My sponsor informed me that a good friend of ours is relapsing. I was disappointed and talked to him about where my friend is not surrendered. My sponsor said it was in the area of honesty but I don't see this like he does. I think it is more about willingness. I think that some of us are so incapable of being completely honest that it has to come to us through the process. I think that if we humble ourselves to the work and completely give ourselves to the process, the needed hnesty will come. Actually probably both things are true.
Tonight I got irritable at times with the kids as my wife is still bed ridden. But I did my best and things weren't too bad. She started feeling better at the end of teh evening and she saw the program "wifeswap" and she said there was an a-hole husband on there that made her grateful to have me.
Thanks be to God.
In the morning my readings were synchronous with the events in my life and thought life. I even read the wrong day and that applied.
It has been a long and difficult day. I had my review at work and it went ok except that I got some feedback that is less than perfect. I also didn't feel comfortable talking about some things I have wanted to talk about to my boss. I got fearful to make any waves. I feel lucky to have any job right now.
My sponsor informed me that a good friend of ours is relapsing. I was disappointed and talked to him about where my friend is not surrendered. My sponsor said it was in the area of honesty but I don't see this like he does. I think it is more about willingness. I think that some of us are so incapable of being completely honest that it has to come to us through the process. I think that if we humble ourselves to the work and completely give ourselves to the process, the needed hnesty will come. Actually probably both things are true.
Tonight I got irritable at times with the kids as my wife is still bed ridden. But I did my best and things weren't too bad. She started feeling better at the end of teh evening and she saw the program "wifeswap" and she said there was an a-hole husband on there that made her grateful to have me.
Thanks be to God.