This morning I got off to a good start by leaving the house early and beating an incoming storm to work. The rain started falling as I got to my block and the wind broke my umbrella but I made it in the building safe, dry and on time.

As the day went on the weather turned bitterly cold. I had a very busy morning and went to the noon meeting. We were in Bill's story again and we read about how Bill's alcoholism got progressively worse and he began various final attempts at sobriety until he hit rock bottom.

I shared my "beating on the bar asking how this happened" story and I wanted to tell about my experience at thinking that self knowledge was the key to staying sober. But ny share turned into me sharing my various bottoms and then find the willingness to put first things first. I left feeling like I was being repetetive and boorish. I did finish by talking about how the obsession was removed and my life is better.

In the afternoon all hell broke loose. I spoke to a customer who was upset with our system ad I didn't know enough to speak to the functionality that would have solved her problem. I was again very busy with a lengthy appointment and I got several voicemails from the employees of another dissatisfied customer. It was a trying afternoon.

When I came home my wife was frazzled and some things we talked about were cause for her to be critical of me. I had to keep quiet and find a solitary moment to get centered and connect with my Higher Power. In just a moment I was blessed with grace and realized what a great ay it had been.

I didn't have to work out in the cold.
The day was so busy that it flew by.
I got to work for a web development company supporting websites.
We received some financial assistance that is going to save us $3500.00 in medical bills.
I was one of two people share from the spiritual principles in the meeting.
I realized that it is ok if my sharing is not folksy and simplistic. That I was an overly self-involved, pseudo-intellectual, deluded, and fatally addicted alcoholic and that is my story.
When I got home I was swarmed by three beautiful children who all wanted to love me and share their day with me.
I got to see my oldest son ride his bike for the second day ever.
My wife made a wonderful dinner and shared a funny story from one of my best friends in recovery.

I thought about the reading from Bill's story today and I saw something that I wish to add to the story of my experience:

I met a kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish, I had been seriously ill, bodily and mentally.

When I went to my first treatment I got the idea that I was "seriously" ill, but I refused to think of my condition as hopeless or futile. I didn't get the "grave" nature of my condition.

Surely this was the answer self- knowledge.

I thought that I understood what the program tried to accomplish and because of this I didn't actually need the steps, that this knowledge was enough. I didn't get that I suffered from a disease of the mind, body and spirit, that I needed something more that knowledge.

But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more.

When I finally became fully willing I found something more than the intelectual understanding of the disease. I experienced a profound inner surrender based on the complete acceptance that for me to drink was to die. I realized that I could never drink safely again and that I would always get worse never better. I finally took to heart the understanding that I must fully give myself to this simple program. This was not head knowledge it was heart knowledge.

This morning I was thinking of the sacrifices of Lent again and I thought of overvalued dependencies. Here I began to ponder my attachement to my will. So not only do I give up things that are not good for me but I give up things that I want.

The great struggle in my life comes from my desires coming between me and God. These desires gradually, slightly, but inevitably become larger over the course of the year. During this season I give up something I desire greatly as an excercise in letting go of the things I have overvalued.

I renew my focus on God as the most important source of fulfillment in life.

At Mass today Fr. Barry spoke about people's delusion of the truth about themselves. He used an analogy of the alcoholic who endures an incredibly dysfunctional life but cannot see the truth about himself that his drinking is causing the problems. His analogy was to show how people prefer not to see the truth about their sin and that Jesus is the light of truth. This got me thinking about the Living Water and the "Light" characteristic of it.

Fr. Barry used one word however that got me thinking about the misunderstanding of how our powerlessness is different than normal character defects. He said that the alcoholic "prefers" not to see the truth.

I thought of how I preferred not to see the truth of my sinful nature when it came to leading a spiritual life. But this was different than when I was rendered incapable of seeing the truth by the overwhelming obsession. An addict/alcoholic has an obsession that was developed as a result of an intoxicating substance in the body that has altered a person's brain chemistry.

I also felt that there is a gradient on the power scale of sinful obsession that when exceeded becomes overwhelming and takes ahold of a person so as to control the thinking. The person becomes deluded and powerless. This is also might be the boundary that distinguishes when a person develops a patholical, psychological, behavioral disorder. In short sin is usually not a form of true powerlessness but it can become that.

Today I got to do some constructive work around the house in the morning and take my sone to baseball practice. I felt a sense today of this family getting back to normal after Christie's pregnancy and with the newborn.

This morning's Mass Reading was about whe the scribe asked Jesus "What is the greatest commandment?".

Today I reflected again at the synchronicity of Jan, Feb, March being the months of steps 1, 2, 3 and the season of Lent being the season when we face our unhealthy dependencies, Re-commit to our Faith and the experience God's conversion with the advent of Easter.

Today I started practicing typing during down times at work. This is a big deal for me as I have never done it right and I need to write a lot.

I got to the noon meeting and read the beginning of Bill's story.

I got to talk a friend through a resentment and help him see some truth.

I got to take my son to practice this evening.

I got to go to another meeting tonight and we read half of the story of AA number 3.

I stuck to the Friday abstinence for Lent.

It was a great day.

Today I went to the noon meeting. Our reading was step 12 in the 12x12. I thought about what my first clean time was like, how alone I was. I had to shove the past deep away and avoid it out of shame and guilt. I often wished I had someone to talk about it with but couldn't go to AA out of apprehension and pride. Today step 12 helps me come to terms with the past by putting it to good use. I get to face the past openly without shame. I get to look honestly at this period and be grateful for today.

I thought about how this works that I must not just take in power and connect with power but that I must let it flow through me. I shared the analogy of swing sports in regard to this.

I wish that I could have remembered my favorite non-12 step role model, Mel Gibson. He did what he thought was work to do God's will in his way by making a movie about God. He was a devout believer and his favor for the Tridentine Mass indicates he had a worship life. But the nature of our disease and God's plan for restoration from alcoholic/addiction insanity calls for a specific type of service work. Even though he may have been serving God, he didn't do it in teh way that treats his alcoholism. He drank again.

I also thought about the twelfth step "attitude" in meetings. That if my sharing is directed toward helping the newcomer amd sticking to the principles then I get the biggest twelfth step bang for my AA buck.

Today I was able to get caught up on some website work for my fellowship.

This evening I was very tired and I yelled at the kids too much. I really felt the late time to bed last night. I had to ask God's forgiveness and help and I was able to spend some play time with them.

My wife got to go to her meeting tonight. She told me that she had to run to meet a lady in crisis. Another person from her fellowship called her after she left. I was grateful to see my wife living a life of service.

This morning I made it to work early again for which I am grateful.

I had a good productive day at work even thought there are dissatisfied customers and scrutiny from above.

At noon I got to go to the meeting and I made it back on time. The reading was from the doctors opinion on the disease concept.

Tonight I got irritated with my wife because she didn't want to do things my way. I resisted staying angry and I made an extra effort to help out. Then I got to do the thing I wanted to do and she helped out. I got to take my son shopping for baseball gear. It was a good Father-son time and we all got to enjoy it when we got home.

I thought of the concept of The Living Water today some more.

Yesterday I was geting sick but I remembered to take preventative medicine. I was grateful that by midday today my symptoms had subsided.

Yesterday at work a guy noticed the scars on my arms from my previous IV drug use. It was an awkward moment and I pondered whether I should come out at work as a recovered addict.

I had a lot to write about yesterday but once again I was overwhelmed with life maintenance and had to go to bed without this review. As I write now the baby is crying and I am pounding on the keys angrily.

Last night I had a dream I was drinking hot, stale beer.

Today a friend came and visited me at work.

I have to stop for the baby