At noon I went to the meeting. I was asked to chair when I walked in. Today we were in Bill's story again at the point where Ebby asked Bill "Why don't you consider your own conception of God?". It was the part of the story where Bill became willing. I thought it was synchronous with today's Daily Reflection:

THE KEY IS WILLINGNESS
Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 35

It was a good meeting up until the point that a guy went on a lengthy share. He went on for a long time about his personal issues and dilemmas. He shared about his conflicts at work, his childhood trauma, his paranoia, his ADHD and other psychological issues, his problems with his wife, his inability to trust God and finally his hatred of God. He shared about the work he was doing with his psychiatrist and about how they were getting deeper and deeper into his issues. He talked about how he wants to drink so bad he can taste it.

As he went on, I began to see everyone looking at each other. Each person seemed to at first get annoyed, then expressed empathy and then get tired. I began to get this feeling that I was responsible to interject. I was afraid because I didn't know if this was the will of this group and I have a problem with confrontation. So I eased the basket out. Ten minutes later I handed the basket to him. I began to imagine my teachers telling me that I was letting this meeting go bad.

Finally at a point I interrupted him and asked him to wrap it up. He got angry and lashed out verbally. He said he would NOT wrap it up an that at this group we let God run the show, not you Bob(me). He said that he didn't care if it took me out of my comfort zone he thought there was still plenty of time.

He did wrap it up and I just let him say what he felt. He did an experienced job of bringing his share back to AA.

The next guy got the meeting back on track. He read from the story and said that it was amazing that what the reading was something he was experiencing in his life and he shared a message that was inspired and provided hope.

The guy made some other facetious comments about how much time people had to share but when we circled for the Lord's prayer he held my hand. We did not speak after the meeting. Ironically much of his share was about being able to stand up for his principles, be assertive and not go ballistic.

I tried to remain kind, tolerant and loving. I tried to give my fear of disapproval to God. I tried to trust in God and ask for his protection and spiritual armor.

I suppose that I will either learn that I don't need to run meetings or that I am able to be assertive and walk through the fear. I definitely want to get to the point where I can put things in a truthful but supportive manner in the face of confrontation.

In the evening I took my son to a scrimmage. It was difficult because I got angry that my wife did not have him ready. I didn't get to eat lunch or dinner.

My son made some mistakes but he made 2 outs at third base and he hit the ball every time he cam up to bat. He may have had the best game of all the boys.

In the evening my wife was still unhappy with mne as I had a committmen to the meeting that night. She was also unhapy that I had a trip to a felloowship business mtg. the next morning. My sponsor was at the meeting so he relieved me and I got to stay home and help my wife.

I called a sponsee this evening and spoke to him about how he is doing.

I talked to my sponsor and grand sponsor about the problem at the meeting.

I just remembered that monday afternoon when I came home from work I stopped off at a barbeque restaurant for some food. While I was waiting, a guy there from the kitchen recognized me. We used to work together in the early eighties.

Why Sprirituality?

For Life, Love, and Inspiration,

Life - The health of my mental and emotional core. I need restoration when I am not functioning right, I need regeneration when I am emotionally tired, I need vitalization to grow.

Love - To connect to others, otherwise I cannot stand people. To keep me morally anchored so that I don't separate myself from others by my desires and motives.

Inspiration - Spirit is the place from where all my best thoughts ideas and reasons for living come from.

Last night I didn't get a chance to review so I am doing it the morning of the 5th.

Yesterday I started out with a carry over of the previous days blues but I quickly abserved this and prayed to be rid of these feelingds and to leave them in yesterday and start a new day.

I had a good morning at work, I didn't get behind and i stayed focused most of the time. I even did my typing training. I didn;t get to go to the noon meeting but it was ok as I needed to have presence in the office this day. I was inspired to start a new process document.

In the evening I got out of work on time to get a good start to my son's baseball practice. On the walk to teh parking garage downtown I decided to stop rushing and to appreciate each moment rather than being so focused on my next affair that I miss them all.

I got to speak to a friend who wants to do the work. We met and were about to get started a few weeks back but he went to outpatient treatment and I've only spoken to him a few times. I look forward to working with him, he is a father and a family man.

We had a good baseball practice.

When I got back home I was tired and I got somewhat resentful at some point. My wife went to her meeting and I didn't get to do the tasks taht I expected to be able to do. I resisted as best I could but I believe that I was closed up and distant to my her. I tried to be grateful that she is an active member of the recovery fellowship.

This morning I got off to a good start by leaving the house early and beating an incoming storm to work. The rain started falling as I got to my block and the wind broke my umbrella but I made it in the building safe, dry and on time.

As the day went on the weather turned bitterly cold. I had a very busy morning and went to the noon meeting. We were in Bill's story again and we read about how Bill's alcoholism got progressively worse and he began various final attempts at sobriety until he hit rock bottom.

I shared my "beating on the bar asking how this happened" story and I wanted to tell about my experience at thinking that self knowledge was the key to staying sober. But ny share turned into me sharing my various bottoms and then find the willingness to put first things first. I left feeling like I was being repetetive and boorish. I did finish by talking about how the obsession was removed and my life is better.

In the afternoon all hell broke loose. I spoke to a customer who was upset with our system ad I didn't know enough to speak to the functionality that would have solved her problem. I was again very busy with a lengthy appointment and I got several voicemails from the employees of another dissatisfied customer. It was a trying afternoon.

When I came home my wife was frazzled and some things we talked about were cause for her to be critical of me. I had to keep quiet and find a solitary moment to get centered and connect with my Higher Power. In just a moment I was blessed with grace and realized what a great ay it had been.

I didn't have to work out in the cold.
The day was so busy that it flew by.
I got to work for a web development company supporting websites.
We received some financial assistance that is going to save us $3500.00 in medical bills.
I was one of two people share from the spiritual principles in the meeting.
I realized that it is ok if my sharing is not folksy and simplistic. That I was an overly self-involved, pseudo-intellectual, deluded, and fatally addicted alcoholic and that is my story.
When I got home I was swarmed by three beautiful children who all wanted to love me and share their day with me.
I got to see my oldest son ride his bike for the second day ever.
My wife made a wonderful dinner and shared a funny story from one of my best friends in recovery.

I thought about the reading from Bill's story today and I saw something that I wish to add to the story of my experience:

I met a kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish, I had been seriously ill, bodily and mentally.

When I went to my first treatment I got the idea that I was "seriously" ill, but I refused to think of my condition as hopeless or futile. I didn't get the "grave" nature of my condition.

Surely this was the answer self- knowledge.

I thought that I understood what the program tried to accomplish and because of this I didn't actually need the steps, that this knowledge was enough. I didn't get that I suffered from a disease of the mind, body and spirit, that I needed something more that knowledge.

But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more.

When I finally became fully willing I found something more than the intelectual understanding of the disease. I experienced a profound inner surrender based on the complete acceptance that for me to drink was to die. I realized that I could never drink safely again and that I would always get worse never better. I finally took to heart the understanding that I must fully give myself to this simple program. This was not head knowledge it was heart knowledge.

This morning I was thinking of the sacrifices of Lent again and I thought of overvalued dependencies. Here I began to ponder my attachement to my will. So not only do I give up things that are not good for me but I give up things that I want.

The great struggle in my life comes from my desires coming between me and God. These desires gradually, slightly, but inevitably become larger over the course of the year. During this season I give up something I desire greatly as an excercise in letting go of the things I have overvalued.

I renew my focus on God as the most important source of fulfillment in life.

At Mass today Fr. Barry spoke about people's delusion of the truth about themselves. He used an analogy of the alcoholic who endures an incredibly dysfunctional life but cannot see the truth about himself that his drinking is causing the problems. His analogy was to show how people prefer not to see the truth about their sin and that Jesus is the light of truth. This got me thinking about the Living Water and the "Light" characteristic of it.

Fr. Barry used one word however that got me thinking about the misunderstanding of how our powerlessness is different than normal character defects. He said that the alcoholic "prefers" not to see the truth.

I thought of how I preferred not to see the truth of my sinful nature when it came to leading a spiritual life. But this was different than when I was rendered incapable of seeing the truth by the overwhelming obsession. An addict/alcoholic has an obsession that was developed as a result of an intoxicating substance in the body that has altered a person's brain chemistry.

I also felt that there is a gradient on the power scale of sinful obsession that when exceeded becomes overwhelming and takes ahold of a person so as to control the thinking. The person becomes deluded and powerless. This is also might be the boundary that distinguishes when a person develops a patholical, psychological, behavioral disorder. In short sin is usually not a form of true powerlessness but it can become that.

Today I got to do some constructive work around the house in the morning and take my sone to baseball practice. I felt a sense today of this family getting back to normal after Christie's pregnancy and with the newborn.