Today at the noon meeting we read from More about Alcoholism.

The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

I believe this description should be called "The Great Delusion".

Tonight I watched an episode of intervention. It was a particularly touching story of a hispanic family with an alcoholic member. He had brothers and sistsres and a mother who were very proud people. During the pre-intervention the older of the brothers was very tough and refused to agree to go to any lengths for help. During the intervention they all broke down in their plea to him to get help.

I couldn't believe the depth of the man's delusion. He had sores on his side and was a pathetic underweight shell of his former self. Yet he thought he did no have a problem. He thought he only had a couple of drinks at a time and that he didn't drink every day.

The family was steadfast when he refused treatment and they stuck to there boundaries. But the intervention was most dramatic when the older brother said man, we are begging you to go.

He finally went but was kicked out after 30 days. He relapsed a short time later and then had esophageal bleeding due to cirrohis of the liver. He died.

Today I talked about how it was the description of this delusion that helped me to understand that I was truly alcoholic. This message kept me from a progressing to the worse bottoms they lay ahead for me.

It was a good day, I stayed busy at work and didn't get too far behind. Today I thought of Saint Patrick's day in a completely different light and when people talked about it I worked in the real meaning of the holiday.

When I came home I practiced ball with my son.

I am truly grateful today for my recovery.

I woke up early enough for prayer, meditation, review and breakfast. We made it to Church on time, this morning was Palm Sunday. We did the Mass of the Passion of our Lord.

This afternoon my son and I went to the park and did batting practice. He had trouble hitting the ball again but by the last to rounds he was hitting about 60%. I had a lot of fun with him and when we were walking back to the truck he told me that he felt lucky to have me for a Dad because I have fun with him. He said he also was happy that he has his grandfather who paid for his baseball stuff. This is the second time he has told me that recently.

When we got back my son saw his friend across the street and invited him to play. The two boys rode bikes together for hours.

I called my friend who called me last night but I had to leave him a message.

This afternoon I watched the atheist's TV program and there's just too much I could write about that.

For 3/15/08

Today I was alone with the kids for the early part of the morning while my wife did a garage sale with a friend at the friend's house. I had to set aside my plans anytime I saw myself forming ideas that I wanted to do something that wasn't direct maintenance of the kids.

The morning went well until the 3 year old had a pee accident in the kitchen. I had just had him sit on his potty so I was angry at him. I went around for a while repeatedly scolding him. I had an ongoing thought of myself as a looming oppressive figure over him. I had to catch myself and stop it from going on too long. I had to discipline him without anger. I had to make amends by showing him love.

The rest of the day went well, I had some minor resentment to my wife's involvement in the garage sale but I tried not to be.

I took my son to his scrimmage in the afternoon. He did fairly well, hitting the ball a few times, running the bases, then making some stops in the field. I made a mistake as first base coach and had to shrug off too much regret inside. - fear

I need to watch my anger when my son and I are getting ready for practices and games.

I got a call from a guy who moved away to another state. He said he had been sober for just over a year and he was doing ok still. He thanked me for the help I gave him in getting sober.

In the evening the baby fell off the bed and I got very worried about her. She appeared ok but she cried for 3 hours. I was irritable and fell asleep.

This morning during prayer I had some thoughts about my will.

My decisions = motives > plans > actions
I pray that I make decisions based upon spiritual principles not pleasure principles.
I pray that I not rationalize my will over God's will.

Last night I watched a program about emporer Constantine. This morning I thought that I am proud to say I am Roman Catholic (as opposed to Eastern Orthodox) because I am part of Christ's construction of Western Civilization.

Last night I thought about teaching my 1st son to be the leader of his siblings. My first son is the child for whom I am learning to be a father. The others get the benefit of experience. So my thought came from putting extra effort into his formation and from teh acceptance of the fact that we have made and will make the most mistakes with him. The acceptance came from the idea that he will be stronger for it. The inspiration came to teach him leadership and responsibility for his siblings an in that way give him added reason to be a better man.

This morning during meditation it the thought came that I should take the leadership role for my siblings. That I should place myself in my father's heart and be inspired to lead my sister and brother. I should do this by regular contact and love. Not by coercion or prodding. I should call then regularly and just talk about things and let the spirit guide us into the things that need to be talked about.

The Keystone
He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 62

A WORLD OF THE SPIRIT
We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 84

Yesterday at lunch I took a long walk. On the way back I had a powerful meditation on the idea of step 3, turning my will and life over to God. I thought of the idea that my will and my life were previously based on a set of principles that weren't clearly defined but were at the core based on my pleasures. These were my pleasure principles. I couldn't believe the connection with the term that Freud used.

I thought about how the steps were the process by which I turn from a life driven by pleasure principles to a life based upon Spiritual Principles.

Yesterday my wife and kids were out of town visiting her Dad.

I made a fast all day and in the evening I attended a Communal Reconciliation Service and made the Sacrament of Confession. I was grateful that God provided me with the opportunity to make the service. I renewed my faith by reviewing my conscience, making my confession and meditating on the act of contrition. I was amazed to find that I had not really looked at the prayer for the act of contrition and it was a wonderful discovery.

I decided to memorize the act of contrition and treat it like my third step pryer. After I made my penance I took my third step prayer on my knees in church before God.

I felt lonely and aprehensive in a new place surrounded by people I didn't know and in a ceremony that I am unfamiliar with. But throught the Catholicity of it all I felt at home. The priest from my Parish was one of the celebrants. I was grateful to see him and I felt God's presence and love in a familiar face.

I saw a friend outside who goes to that parish.

Today I felt my faith reinvigorated. I took a long walk at lunchtime down 6th street. I saw all the tragicallly hip people crowded down the street for SXSW. Great music filled the streets through open doors from venue to venue. I stopped for awhile and listened to a great band playing music with eighties new wave influences. I scarcely was affected by the throngs of ladies that have been distracting me lately. I could smell teh alcohol in the air and was filled with the spirit of the daylong party. I could see myself not going back to work. I could see myself enjoying the festival without alcohol. I could also see myself in the past drinking too much and ending up on a binge using. I went back to work and was grateful to be sober.

Yesterday I went to the noon meeting. A friend there spoke to me about a current struggle with his outlook on life. He is seeking the solution to recover from this bout.

Last night I was pondering something I share about the feelings asociated with using. I sometimes describe the feeling I used to experience right before the act. In a moment I was taken back to that place. I have done this before for teh sake of sharing my experience so I was not afraid. That moment turned into 5 minutes. I began to get drawn into those feelings. I set them aside and went back to what I was doing.

A short time later the thoughts came back. Again I was drawn in. Again, I set the aside after a few minutes. A short time later I had teh same exprience and this went on for some time until I began to indulge in the feelings.

This morning I had to make a serious effort to be rid of these thoughts. I sensed that I could be drawn into an obsession.