Friday I was having the best day ever. My son's baseball team won their game the night before and we had a really fun time riding bikes late into the evening. Enough time had past from my last trouble that I was feeling a great sense of normalcy in my life's circumstances. I was even feeling hope that soon my financial troubles would be stabilized as an announcement was made that the government rebate would be going out on monday. I got an email that the building management company was giving out tickets to a ballgame.

At noon we had a meeting at work. It was announced that we would soon be having a job duties revision and this would remove our salary ceiling. We heard that a lot of obig things were happening behind they scenes and that our business is expected to double in a year.

I left the meeting feeling even more optimistic. I read an email offering me the ballgame tickets. I got very exited about this and began to think about a great night out at the game with my son, something I can't afford right now. Then I got a notice that the offer had actually come before the meeting and I was way too late. I was very disappointed. I tried to shrug it off but I realized that I had already assumed I would get them and had placed way too much vale in this idea.

A while later I got a call to visit my boss. He said that the owner of the company was very upset with how I handled a situation that made the company look bad. I suddenly fell into a great deal of fear. A short time later I got a notice of a meeting scheduled with my boss.

I am grateful to have a way of life on which I can turn to God for courage in a time of fear because this trouble me the rest of the day and I new that I would have to go all weekend and next week before I would learn the outcome of this event.

Friday evening a guy called me to give him a ride to a meeting. I got to give him a ride and do the only part of the inventory process that was left for me to do. To turn my thoughts to someone else that I can help.

Satrday morning our baseball game was pushed back 2 hours. My son was scheduled to go to his cousin's birthday party at that time. When I called my wife she got very angry with me because I had committed to being at the game. I came home to keep my son rested and my wife told him that I didn't want to let him go to the party and she exacerbated his grief with other words. I endured i fr a while but then flew into a rage as my son's crying became wailing. I smashed and threw some things in the garage and I went for a long drive.

I managed to get him to the game and we lost.

The rest of the da I asked God to forgive me and I took a long nap and I did some yard work and played with the kids outside.

I never found time to do written inventory.

I thought about my problem at work and I began to work on accepting my situation that I might have to learn to live without that job.

This morning I was late getting up but we made it to Mass and the boys were well behaved. The Deacon gave a sermon in which he told a story about a pilot who's experience leading to good judgegent. When he was asked how he got the good experience he said by learning from my bad judgement. This provided me with the understanding I need to get through the difficulty I am facing at my job.

Today our readings contained the following statements from which I was able to solidify some ideas that I need to be able to speak about the spiritual life:

"...unclean spirits, crying out in a loud voice,
came out of many possessed people,
and many paralyzed or crippled people were cured."

This could be read to mean that many people posessed with obsessions that poisoned (unclean) their spirits came out of them and they were no longer paralyzed with fear and crippled with with guilt, remorse. and shame.

I heard today that the Bible is not a historical text but rather a theological text in which the history of a people is used to express theological teaching.

I also heard:

"Always be ready to give an explanation
to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope,
but do it with gentleness and reverence, keeping your conscience clear,
so that, when you are maligned,
those who defame your good conduct in Christ
may themselves be put to shame."

From this I thought of how it is always my duty to learn how to speak about God's teaching in a way that does not repulse people and a way that they can understand and be open to receive It.

Our Gospel reading said:

"Jesus said to his disciples:
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments."

I realized this meant I need to make amends with my wife.

While I was typing this she came to me and made amends. I guess my job is to be loving to her now.

This week I have been learning to live more austerely. We don't have any money so I have been eating ham sandwiches every day at lunch. Every morning I crave a big breakfast but I make do with cereal. It feels good to release my dependence on these things. This morning my friend at work gave me a taco when I was most hungry.

I got to go to my meeting today. I'm very grateful today to have this group to go to although sometimes I'm not so sure they are grateful to have me. Today we talked about step 5. I was glad that I have a conception of the step because I was able to form my share around the principles.

I felt in tune and inspired today. I felt like riding a bike all day.

Tonight we played our baseball game and won. I felt bad about it though because my son's friend and hiws father who is a respected friend of mine were on the other team. Our team's coaches were a little over the top in vocalizing to our team. I felt compelled to show more reserve out as a matter of dignity for us and for the other team. We won by a large margin. I felt bad for the other team.

I was grateful for the time I got to spend with my family. I had a moment tonight when everything felt right in the world.

Today my wife spoke to me about a situation in which a counselor has asked my wife to help her family member. My wife consulted me about the situation and we talked at length about it. I felt like we are a team doing the Lord's work.

Thanks be to GOD.

Yesterday I thought about the Sunday Gospel message that Christ is the way, the truth and the life. I thought about how this applies to me this morning. God is not health, wealth and prosperity. The way is God's will that I must obey and allow myself to be re-formed in. The truth is the acceptance and sense of direction I get through God. The life is God's power that restore's me to sanity and inspires me to enlightenment.

At lunch I got to go to a meeting. I spoke to a guy who is a Muslim. I instantly changed and found brotherhood with those of Islamic faith. It was love that transformed my thinking in an instant. I found common ground in the principles of faith. I found that I don't have to dwell on the differences but rather on or similarities.

Tonight I got to go to my son's practice. He did great.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Today I tried to keep up my momentum of heightened spiritual dependence.

I will focus on God's protection rather than my financial insecurity.
I will focus on God's love rather than on my sex desires.
I will focus on God's will rather than my ambitions.

I went to the noon meeting. Our topic was step four in the Twelve and Twelve. There was a visitor from out of town who said he was near his five year anniversary. He spoke of being seriously depressed and a person that just isn't getting "IT" in the program. He said that he reluctantly came to meetings in our town and got a new lift from new meetings and new people.

I am grateful that the program really works for me. I shared my emorional disturbances of the last 3 days and how self-examination and dependence upon God has renewed my spiritual experience. I am grateful that I can feel this renewal right here where I am and have been for the past 4 years.

Wherever I go, there I am.

I believe that Christ is the the way and the truth and the life.

This morning I had to pray about my fears and resolve to trust in God from the moment I woke up. The sleep I got helped me feel a lot better afer feeling sick yesterday. The Daily Reflection was about Faith and Fear. By the time I left the house I was focused on God's work and being a father rather than our materialistic troubles.

At mid-morning my wife called me and told me that she talked to the mortgage people that our due date is after I get paid so we should be ok. It seemed that God took care of us once I found acceptance.

Today I thought a lot about faith and reason. I thought about how faith is for self-control. I thought about how humanistic ideologies lack the power of theology because they are dependent on the ideas of the human originator and individual human beings are ivariably fallible. Theological moral codes are more powerful because they originate from a being greater than humanity and the are discerned by many human beings in union with the Creator. Human beings still differ and misuse theology but God most recently came to earth in the person of Jesus Christ and cleared it up for us all.

I went to the noon meeting and we read the chapter "Working With Others". I talked about how the aspect of sharing my story made my life livable without shame, remorse, and guilt of the past because it converted my dark past into a great asset. I realized also that the Power of the program makes it possible to face the past without fear of falling into the obsessions. I don't have to avoid the past and my old behaviors make sense in light of the disease.

Tonight I had a wonderful time practicing with my son. I couldn't believe his enthusiasm this evening. We had many moments of companionship.

Tonight I settle in with peace of mind and contentment.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday morning I woke up late again. I managed to get the boys ready and get to church on time. But when we got home I was very tired and couldn't ever really get going all day.

In the morning my wife told me that we were $200 overdrawn and that our mortgage company had sent us a letter stating that by a past date they were going to start foreclosure on us.

I felt a lot of fear. I felt a lot of remorse for not staying on course financially 2 months ago when we did our budget. I wanted to blame my wife for not doing her part to dilligently stick to our financial plan.

Yesterday was a test of my willingness to turn to the Father of Light in all things. The Gospel reading yesterday was about Jesus being the Truth, the Way and the Life.

During the day we watched the Holy Father at Ground Zero and giving mass at Yankee stadium. Later in the evening I watched the atheist program and this was the highlight of my day. The reason this was the highlight of my day is because I felt like I had good debate points for everything they talked about. I also felt like I might be close to being able to debate with someone about this type of subject and maintain emotional control. I thought about how Pope Benedict says the faith is no complete without reason. That faith without reason is not complete.

I sleepwalked through the evening and prayed a lot for God to remove my fears.

This morning I was resentful at my wife for sleeping late.

I was angry at my wife for sending my son to a sleepover the night before a baseball game.

At noon I was resentful that I screwed up the time of our baseball game and we got there late.

I was afraid that people would think of me as a loser.

All through the day today we watched The Pope on his visit to America. In the afternoon my father was visiting and we had a nice little talk about the importance of God in our lives.

This evening my son and I took a long bikr ride. We went back to the scene of his accident last week. He told me he was a little afraid going back there. He was relieved to face his fear and walk through it. We went to many places and a couple of new ones. He told me that today was the best bike ride we ever took. He told me today was an adventure.

Last night I got to talk to a guy struggling to find faith and sobriety. I shared with him some of my worst obsessions and their power over me. I shared with him what it took to find the Power to overcome them. I got to talk to him about his greatest objections to God. I got to share my experience in overcoming my objections.

Last night was a very good meeting, we read "The Vicious Cycle". I thought the writer's story was very much like that of a drug addict.

Last night I had a very strong using dream. I remember shooting dope three times. I remember the feeling of anticipation and apprehension over the amount of the shot that I was about to do. I remember digging around in my arm and registering and re-registering repeatedly trying to get the shot in. I remember nothing but a big disappointment over missing the shot.

Today I got to enjoy the simple things in life. Tonight I must make amends to complete my stepwork for the day and ensure my spiritual connection and sobriety.