This morning my son had a baseball game. We played against the team that has not won a game. I really felt bad for those boys because some of them are really good but they just got dealt a bad hand. I thought about how sometimes I have felt low about the fact that we have lost more games than we have won. Then the thought came today about how lucky we are that we didn't get on a team that didn't have enough good players. I am grateful that my son got on a team that got to win some games.

Also, the coaches on both teams got into some heated disagreements about some confusing game situations. I was grateful to have some self-control and perspective. I am not so invested in justice that I can't accept when things aren't fairly judged or mistakes are made. I am able to keep sight of the big picture that it is just a game and they are just kids. I am able to accept that the other team just wants to win too. This is evidence for me about the power of God's grace to work within me.

It was a tight game and the other team had the last at bat and chance to win but they had two strikeouts.

Last night I got to chair our Big Book study meeting. A lot of people showed up and we read the second part of "The Man Who Mastered Fear". This is just what I needed to read as I have been feeling fearful lately that I should be doing more to make money for my family. I had a perspective re-alignment in remembering that I must keep first things first and I have been blessed with a job that allows me to participate in 12 step fellowship and the job environment is sane.

There was a guy there that I remembered from the meeting that I used to attend at the treatment center that I used to go to. I remembered him because he shared in the meeting about his angst over his woman and he also wasn't "feeling it" in his own recovery. He became disruptive and had to be escorted out. He expressed similar distress last night about his day and about being distracted from the reading but on a much lower level. I was grateful to see him and see him doing ok. I was grateful to get to see him after the meeting and to help him work through it and give him words of encouragement.

Today I was resentful that my wife went to the hospital to spend time with my neice. I was afraid that the housecleaning and yardwork would not get done and I might be late to church tomorrow. I was selfish in only thinking about my difficulties.

I didn't want to let go of my "justifiable" anger but the objective thought came to mind that resentment is toxic to me and I must ask God to remove it. I finally did so and the result was immediate.

BTW, I got enough of the work done that needed to be done and I got to play with the kids in the yard.

Tonight a guy called me very concerned about a fifth step he had just heard. I got to talk to him about it and help him see that he had done a good job. I was grateful for the opportunity to do a twelfth step task.

Thanks be to God for wonderful day.

This morning when I woke up I struggled through my prayers. One thing caught my attention though, it was my prayer for God to show me what I can do today for the man who is still sick.

On my way in to work I came out of the parking garage and onto the side walk looking down the hill. This morning I noticed several of the men flocking in from the night toward the Salvation Army. There was a guy on a bike coming toward me whom I recognized. I caught his eye as he passed and said hello. He remembered me and came back. We talked for a few minutes and he told me about how he had been on a relapse, lost everything he had built up during his sobriety and been to jail. He spoke to me about his desparation. God inspired me with words of encouragement for him and I told him I would pray that the Holy Spirit would come into him.

I was immediately grateful to God for the opportunity to carry the message and perform that part of my sobriety program today.

I thought later toay about how valuable these opportunities are. I also thought about how the meetings are also these types of opportunities and my attitude should be one of vocation. My job there is to carry the message.

Last night I had a using dream.

This morning I posted to an online meeting and for the third time my post was not forwarded to the rest of the group. I believe now that I am being screened.

Today I went to a meeting, the topic was step 6. I was disappointed that I lost my way in my share again. It wasn't that bad but the topic was step 6 and I dwelt too much on my problems with sex conduct. I spoke about how my problem was in striving for "self determined" objectives rather than God's objectives.

I spoke too much about insanity which was the topic of the online meeting. I spoke about how my defects of character were much like my powerlessness and unmanageability. I spoke about not being able to be clear about the truth about myself in my addiction and so the same applies to my judgements about my boundaries of conduct.

I guess it wasn't so bad because I have to treat my problems of moral perspective in the same way as my addiction. These delusions are also a form of insanity in that they lead me into behaviors that are harmful and my perspective becomes delusional.

My dream last night was long, drawn out and hypersexual. I realized today that in my conscious thought life that I have not thought about using or deviating form my marriage in a long time. But, the disease still reveals itself in my subconscious.

This evening my wife got unjustifiably demeaning to me a few times. I resisted the impulse to fight back or point out her mistakes.

Today I turned my thoughts away from sexual indulgence several times and focused on God centeredness.

Today I got to participate in a CA business meeting.

I was resentful when some members were obstinate and argumentative and insulted me.
My pride, personal relations, and ambitions were hurt or threatened.
I was afraid things wouldn't go my way.
I was afraid that people would think less of me because I was characterized as being financially irresponsible.
I placed too much reliance on my ability to convince others of my ideas.
I placed too much expectation on the ability of a group of addicts to interact sanely.
I over-valued my reputation.
I was self-righteous and indignant.

The good thing about this incident was that I chose not to react to what was said at the loss of face. I chose not to participate any further in a dysfunctional interaction. I believe that I also gave my resentment over to God immediately.

This afternoon I got too angry when my son was misbehaving and talking back. Again I was able to recognize this right away and recieve God's graces to recover. With the help of my wife he finally began to behave. We went on a long bike ride after dinner. This evening I made amends to him before bed.

I had some really great moments despite the low spots today.
This morning during prayer and meditation I felt closer to God than ever before. The amazing thing was that I started out feeling spiritually dryer than ever.

This evening I heard asermon from Billy Graham. He talked about putting first things first.

If I am irritable, restless, or discontent then I am in danger of relapse. This simple statement made a lot of sense for me today.

I had an important meeting with my boss in which I had to take some criticism. It turned out ok and I didn't get fired. I am not in trouble and I am not on any kind of write-up. My boss simply had to let me know to improve on something.

I am grateful that I had power from God to relieve my fears all week.
I am grateful that I didn't have to talk to my wife about it and give her something to be afraid of.
I am grateful to have others to talk to about it.

Today at the noon meeting we talked about step 6.

Tonight I have to be willing to let God remove my irritability.

Today I felt indispensible at work even though I know it doesn't make me bullet proof and anything is possible. It was good to be free from fear.

At noon I got to go to a meeting, the topic was rationalization of God's will and Tradition 5.

This evening I got to go to baseball practice and I was proud of my son. I am very lucky to have him.

Tonight my neice is in the hospital for pneumonia. She will have very serious surgery tomorrow they are going to cut open her chest. Her problems are related to her smoking and using crack and to the neglect from living in an active addict household. I thought about how lucky we are to be able to raise our kids with a good foundation.

I felt more willing than ever to do God's will today.

Tonight I got to do some service work for CA by updating the meeting schedules.

Today I worried about a friend I haven't seen in days. He showed up and had been drinking. I knew I should have checked on him. I regret that I did not make a better effort.

At our meeting I got to read about how understanding of the disease can help the wife.

Today I received the ballgame tickets unexpectedly.

Today God relieved my fears and got me through the day.

This evening we had a good little meal and went to the park as a family.

Thanks be to God for a good day.