Today at work I had a low grade fear, I must find divine perspective again.

I went to the meeting at noon I was not all there. The meeting was very crowded and I thought I recognized a new person there. Of all the people there many passed on reading and sharing.

When my turn came I read and shared minimally about the stages of admitting my first step in parallel to the segment that I read. I ended with the defining moment when I fully conceded after a series of relapses.

After me a regular person there with a lot of sobriety described being in a disparate state and about how it was due to new medication.

Even though I was distracted and I didn't feel that I did that great today I felt like showing up made a difference.

The past few das I have been tossing around some major ideas but haven't been able to find time to put them down in type. I feel resentful that I am losing these inspirations.

I must find acceptance.

Lately I have been postulating a model of the dynamic of the will in which the my will is the point in my point of view. I have thought about basic instinct at the center and concentric circles of will, decisions, and life skills moving outward.

Center
-------------
Instinct
Impulse
Emotion

Stimulus
-------------
Thought, cognition, intellect
Observation, sensation, reaction

Evaluation
-------------

I can't think anymore.

Decisions radiating out and back in until they eventually move into action.





Tonight I saw a program about the scientific discoveries and theories leading up to the theory of the big bang. It was noted (albiet with a secular spin) that most of the theorists, Copernicus, Galileo, Newton, and Lemaître were religious men.

I got to practice baseball with my son.

Thanks be to God for another good day.

This morning I resolved to do a more focused meditation than usual. This is wierd because yesterday I thought about some teachers teach more is better and I was thinking that I disagree. That more is not necessarily better that whatever God wills is better but that focus is essential and should be the main objective.

I had to restart my meditation several times and I really struggled to enter the realm of the spirit. I can see now that my spiritual condition was depleted. I had to breath in an out deliberately and to move into my meditation in stages.

First just enter the realm of the spirit.
Then find my center and focus.
Then seek God in that place.
Then breath in Spirit and breath out self.

I was inspired to think of getting centered by imagining two lines like the cross. I first see them centered, then on the left then on the right, then high, then low, then center.

Then I see a dark point in the center, the dark point that is my will. I thought about how the true image of God is incomprehensible so when I place the image of God over the place where I am I see a sphere of light. The light is a sphere that I can hold in my hand but it is actually limitless.

I resolved to keep this focus all day.

Tonight Bishop Sheen said that Christ cannot be a simple teacher like Confuscious or Buddha because then he could not command the allegiance o the heart.

I thought the same applies to a simple moral code.

This morning I had to jump out of bed again and run straight in to work to be on time. I never did stop to pray. I say this just to be honest with myself and not let it get by me.

Last night I didn't do a written evening review because I was very sick. I did pray and review in my head. Again the only reason I write this is to confess it and be completely honest.

Yesterday morning I also had a hard time in the morning. But I got to the parking garage early and I detoured to the fourth floor wall overlooking downtown and I stopped to pray there. The wind was really blowing hard and the clouds were moving fast across the sky. There is a mannequin of a white haired man across the street that gave me the sense of someone present. I imagined in my prayers that I was talking to God.

Today before lunch I thought about asking my friend at work to go to lunch but I thought about my 12 step meeting. At 11:30 he asked me if I wanted to go to the bike shop with him for lunch and we did.

Today I listened to a recovery speaker named Ken C. He told a fabulous story of a rock-n-roll career and running a strip bar and shooting dope straight out of the block of peruvian flake. He spoke of hearing that freight train and watching the wall move away and sweating bullets. He spoke of losing all his livelihood, women, possesions, dignity, and personal safety until he got sober. He talked of the miracle of being restored to sanity. He talked about how he found hope from the guy with 60 days rather than the well recovered who spoke of steps and spiritual concepts. He talked about his spiritual experience at 3 years sober on a beach saying the Lord's prayer. He talked about his daily recovery and his purpose of carrying the message to the newly sober.

This afternoon I stayed home so that my wife could go to her meeting. I just remembered that I prayed with my daughter but I forgot to pray with my son.

Tonight when I prayed before this review I imagined that I was sitting at a table like the place where I went to lunch today.

Last night I woke up feeling very sick again at 3:15. I kept waking up and then couldn't go back to sleep. I started to worry about not being able to sleep and being sick and not being able to get to work. I managed to doze back off sometime after 4 and got just enough sleep.

I made it to work and didn't feel well but I got very busy and the morning flew buy. At lunch I took it easy and stayed in at work. I felt good enough for table tennis but toward the end of the day I started to feel very bad. I got home and the kids were away swimming with their uncle. I went straight to bed feeling terrible. A little while after they got home I woke up and with some emerge-n-cy I good enough to get up and about and be helpful.

I am frequently amazed at how much better my health is now that I have been sober a while. This is sometimes most apparent when I am sick. In the past my sleep would have been so screwed up that I would been miserable. In the past I would have just got worse and worse and been down for days.

The thing for which I am most grateful for in my life is my spritual awakening but today I am grateful for good health.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

This morning I woke up late and had to dart out of bed to work. I had to stop and pray at my desk.

Today at our noon meeting we read the end of Dr. Bob's story. I related to his routine of the vicious cycle of powerlessness and then how he tried to get sober with the Oxford groupers and then finally got the message from Bill W. but didn't stay sober until he was willing to make amends. I got to carry the message that I used to live that way and then got into the fellowship but wasn't willing to connect and let people in my comfort zone and get completely honest and didn't stay sober until I did.

A guy thanked me for sharing this and I got to carry the message today.

This afternoon when I got back I was able to post about insanity and being happy joyous and free.

This evening we all got along and were in good spirits at home. My wife got assertive with me about how she needs to get to meetings. I had to rethink my position but we both agreed that when school is over that we will be ok.

I got to take a bike ride by myself before settling in tonight.

We got the kids to bed on time tonight and I got to spend some quality, focused time in prayer and reading God's word tonight.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Today I managed to have just enough energy to get through the day and get everything done on time. I slept late but I got to church on time with both boys. I was grateful for this because I felt that I let my younger son down last week for not getting him there last week. Both boys behaved better today, this made me very happy.

We had lunch on time and dinner on time and the boys got to bed on time. This will help immensely tomorrow.

Today the only constructive things I didn were a lot of dishes and I fixed my son's bike. I wanted to do more but there just wasn't the time or energy. I scolded my wife for planning to atend a garage sale next week but I felt guilty for letting this come between us and I vowed to accept whatever the outcome is and to let go of my resentment.

Today was my brother's birthday but I don't have his phone number to call him. I hope that he finds willingness soon to break his dependencies and his isolation.

Thank God for a good day.