Today I thought about how alcoholism and addiction seem to run in my family. I thought about how my parents however were not alcoholic. So I cannot say that my addiction and alcoholism were environmental.

This morning I had to pause several times and "take it easy" in regard to getting to church. I woke up late but we made it on time.

Our Gospel reading was from matthew about the Limited Commission of Matthew 10:5-42. Our preacher gave a talk about "money sickness".

This afternoon we had a great little Father's Day dinner but we missed saying grace together because we weren't organized in the way we sat down to eat.

Later my mom hosted my aunts here to visit out kids.

I am grateful today to get to be a father and a family member.

Tonight I went to a meeting. The topic was on admitting step one. Many people shared about they usual admission and of not using no matter what because of an honest admission of the way that they had been living.

I thought of how the real admission of the disease for me was in the realization of my chronic pathological insanity. That I wasn't at a bottom when I first went to treatment. It was difficult for me to stay willing because I was doing the best I had ever done in my life. When I was asked to list the consequences of my addiction all I could see was the problems that my wife was causing me. All I could think of was what the first hit felt like.

It was only when I heard the description of the disease that I became open minded. When I heard the description of the "the power of the effect", the phenomenon of craving, the mental blank spot, and the mental obsession, a light came on that illuminated the truth about myself. I saw the depth to which addiction was my master.

It has always been so that I do not get motivated by the consequences. I still have a mental blank spot mostly. When I think of the drug the first thoughts that come to mind are the joy of using. However, these thoughts don't have any power (they are not continued and irresistable) and they are immediately followed by thoughts of the consequences of using and thoughts of the joys of good living. I am motivated by the inner aceptance of the depth of my insanity.

I am also motivated by gratitude for sanity of living. When I was relapsing I learned and accepted the depth of my spiritual insanity. I surrendered my will completely in life. I time I began to not only experience sober living but also inspired thinking.

Today was the third day in a row that I was not sick. I was grateful.

Tonight got to go to the book study meeting. We read the story "Fear of Fear". In the story the person said that the important thing that she lost was her self-respect. When I hit my bottom that is how it happened for me too. I was at the beginning of a down cycle in my addiction not at a low spot.

Last night I found out that we had to pay a large amount of bank fees for a financial mistake. I got angry at my wife. I managed to stay calm and kind and to just get out of it. I worked on our budget while she went to her meeting. I even took a break and took a bike ride in the circle with the kids.

I felt the anger return and I just went straight to bed without doing a review. I prayed for God to remove my anger alot.

As I dozed off I drifted into a panic dream. I woke up terrified. I realized that this was a glimpse of the battle going on on the spiritusl plane. I realized how more willing I must be to be rid of the anger.

This morning it started again. I thought about plans to do what I always do and find a clever way to fight with my wife and point out her mistakes in an attempt to change her.

I realized that I must fully concede that I cannot control or manage my anger.

Today was the first day in a long time that I didn't feel sick, thank God.

I went to a meeting at noon. When I got there the group had finished reading the chapter and opened up for sharing. I scanned the last two pages that were read and planned my share around that. Then a person shared who was at their first meeting ever. I ended up sharing about what it was like for me in my introduction to twelve step recovery. After the meeting I had a little re-think about how I should share in a book study like that or when a newcomer is present.

Another observation I made was that a good friend of mine said that we don't talk too much about God. I think he might have meant we don't talk too much about religion. I also remembered how I felt about the term newcomer. I had a very cultish connotation to me.

I wrote some thoughts about my early sobriety.

I was almost there...

I identified with some people who spoke about things that only someone like me has experienced.
I was inspired by some people who spoke of good things in their lives.
I didn't identify with a few people who were worse than me or did different things than me.

I got a new conception of what it meant to be alcoholic.
I found a smidgeon of open mindness to go to meetings, get a sponsor, and to work the steps.

But I couldn't put first things first.
I couldn't let go of managing my life.
I couldn't let go of my self-reliance.
I couldn't grasp enough humility to stay open-minded.
In my pride I looked at the 3 people that I didn't identify with and I blotted out the 17 others that I did identify with.
I didn't stick around long to find willingness.

Later when I spent some time in recovery I realized that I was a lot closer than I thought. I realized that people don't have to hit as low a bottom as others. Some people find the needed humility at the same point where I was at. I had the opportunity to exert my will toward humility at that point. I distinctly remember thinking this but not being willing to let go out of pride and arrogance.

Later when I did find willingness I realized that I could have gone to a worse bottom.

Tonight I got to practice baseball and go on a bike ride with my son.

Today was our 8th wedding anniversary.

Today I got a voicemail from a person who showed up at a meeting that changed locations.

This evening I spoke for a long time to a person who was trying to get her husband into recovery. My wife spoke to her also.

I talked to my sponsor tonight. He re-discovered fishing and wants to go sometime soon.

This morning I thought about an idea I forgot that I should orient the dialog in my mind to an accompaniment with God.

Thanks God for a great day.

Today I had to be especially focused on work. We had some special training and I had to catch up in the afternoon. I was grateful for good health because I was sick again today. But today sick is a totally different animal than in the past. I was able to stay focused and attentie and dilligent.

We had a good time in the evening but because I was sick my wife didn't get to go to her meeting.