The past few reviews I have neglected to write that I have been having using dreams most every night since Saturday. That night I didn't do a review for some reason.

Last night I griped at my wife for yelling at the kids right before bed. I don't know if I was right but that doesn't matter. All tha matters is that I recognize that I was angry and I need to ask God to remove my anger.

Today I went to a meeting at noon, the topic was tradition 11. Part of what I talked about was how I have seen some public figures who are in the program who have respected the tradition. At the time I didn't know why this encouraged me in my recovery. I realized afterward that it is because that I see that they are practicing humility and this tells me that they are practicing the program to some extent.

This morning I heard that George Carlin died. I thought about how he was an influence in my life in my agnostic tendencies. I thought about his criticisms of religion and theism in general. I thought about how I used to have the same conceptions. I listened to his piece called "religion is bullshit". He made typical atheist dogmatic statements like :

"eligion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!"

followed by "...this is bullshit!"

I thought about how I liked a lot of what he philosophised on and how clever he was with words.
I thought about how these ideas sound convincing on the surface.
I thought about how I adopted them as dogma without doing any objective research.
I thought about how I thought myself to be a free thinker when in fact I was closed minded.

I thought about how ironic it was that I was to find out that it was these ideas were the bullshit.

I went to a meeting at noon and we read "The Vicious Cycle". I remembered that I identified a major aspect of my story in the cycles of addiction.

Tonight I watched an episode of Intervention that helped me again get an idea of how much (actually how little) detail I should tell in my story.

This morning I managed to get thriugh the morning without stress over making it to mass on time. I didn't allow myself to get angry and gripe at the boys. I was able to handle everything objectively and systematically. The boys behaved ok at mass. We had a missionary pries Fr. Murphy who is involved with an organization to help the poor. I was able to have a talk with both boys about gratitude for what we have and about the importance of helping the poor.

After I took the Eucharist I sat in quiet and felt a very strong and presence of the Lord and felt as tought he were speaking to me in my subconscious. I had my eyes closed and felt as though I could see the light of His presence more brilliant than I had ever seen. Now that I think about it I remenber that the reading spoke about the Lord of hosts and I wondered what that meant again.

In the afternoon we watched a baseball game and then went swimming. While we were swimming my son decided to go on a big slide. He got frightened and came down but decided to try again. He had a lot of trepidation but eventually went. When he came out of the water he told me that God helped him do it. He told me that he said a prayer for courage to go.

I was very proud.

Yesterday I was thinking about my story and a clearer idea came to mind of how it unfolded. When I first went to rehab I came to understand the disease concept but fought the spiritual solution. This is what kept me from stying sober.

Thanks be to God for another great day.

Today I thought about God as if he were present with me several times. I turned and thought to him as if he were a friend walking with me. This helped me to turn away from unhealthy thinking.

A couple of times I paused and thought of the idea of the image of the core of my will and having God's will come over that and supercede it. I prayed for God to "re-cover" my will.

Tonight as our meeting started I found this to be especially needed when I seemed to have a hard time leting go. I didn't have any conscious thoughts that I was holding on to but my feelings just didn't to re;ease the image of my will and allow God's will to come over that. Strange, but I stuck with the intention and eventually let go.

I found inspiration to start off the sharing portion of our meeting tonight after an awkward silence. I was grateful for thoughts to share and finished off relatig to the good thinking that comes with a spiritual awakening, especially inspiration. I thought maybe I should expand on this a little more.

Inspired Thinking
My imagination is fired like it was when I used to take a substance and have deep thoughts.
I get to experience release from care, boredom, or worry like I did when I drank or smoked or used.
I experience connection with my brothers like I did with the people at the bar back when it worked.

More to come...

This day I got a good start by being able to devote adequate time to prayer and meditation. Althoughm, I was running a little late and just did make it to work on time.

I was especially productive at work in my thinking amd creative communication to customers.

I got to go to the noon meeting and felt like I did a better job today of carrying the message.

In the evev=ning there was a moment where I ignored my wifes demand and when she reacted to it I just ignoered that to. I'm not sure if this is God dependence or rationalization of being inconsiderate.

At night I was very tired and fell asleep praying.
y wife kindly tucked me in.

Today I went to th noon meeting. I had trouble sharing again. I thought that perhaps the problem is that I focus too much on relating my experience to the circumstances of the story teller. Perhaps I should start by looking at what part of the alcoholic experience the story teller is conveying and then relate my disease to that.

Tonight I was thinking about sharing again and my thoughts worked toward the singular point of the program (what's the point?). I found this in steps 1 & 2, that I came to believe that I was insane, and that I came to believe that a Power greater than myself would restore me to sanity. I thought that I might use steps 1& 2 as a frame of reference for sharing.

I might ask myself 2 questions:
How does this topic/reading relate to my coming to believe that I was insane?
How does this topic/reading relate to a Power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?

Today I went to the noon meeting late, we read from the 12x12 about step 11. I had to share after just arriving. I was disappointed with what what I had to say. I am not sure if this is because I have prideful expectations or because I am off teh beam a little. Tonight I realized that I have felt this way often recently.

After listening to Charlie Parker's talk last night I thought that I would take stock of my program tonight using the three sides of the triangle.

Unity
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My last three meetings were today, Saturday and Friday
I don't talk to or spend much time with people in the fellowship
My wife and I talk often about recovery and the spiritual life

Service
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Last night I worked on the CA website
Saturday night I spent some time giving encouragement to a former sponsee
Friday night I took a twelve step call from a family member and handed it over to my wife

Recovery
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My Review last night lacked inventory
I prayed this morning
Today I meditated about step 6 and about basic instinct

Today I thought about how people don't have any problem striving for perfection when it comes to things like cooking, sports, hobbies, arts, etc. But when it comes to character people lower the objective to "progress" rather than "perfection" to avoid becoming completely discouraged. Is this a form of rationalization to avoid God's will?

I need to re-read step 6 in the 12x12.

Tonight I took a bike ride by myself. Tonight I got to wathc a baseball game with my wife and son. I was very grateful that she got really into it. We had a great time.