This morning I jumped out of bed without realizing it and forgot to pray. It wasn't late yet but I knew that it would be tight. I resolved to forget the time and to stop and pray anyway. I actually went into deep contemplation and lost track of time, I came out and prayed until I felt re-imaged. I made it to work 1:00 minute late.

I recalled or deacon's words yesterday when he referred to the world a "out there in the valley of the shadow of death".

Today a work I was buried and the sh@* hit the fan. Two of our bosses got angry with our team. I felt as if I were in teh eye of the hurricane. I thought of the words of psalm 23, " will fear no evil, or you are with me; yur rod and your staff, they comfort me. "

Tonight I read about a new program called "The Cleaner" in which a man rescues drug addicts. I thought about I get to live that in real life except I don't rescue them, I am there with a way out.

I got to spend time with my little ones and take a bike ride with my oldest. Gotta go now the middle one is crying for water.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a really hard time waking up. I started to fall into self pity or self loathing about it and then I resolved (and with God's help) to accept it. Then I realized that it really wasn't that late. It was still before nine when I fed the kids. Even though I fell back asleep for a short nap we made it to church on time and everything was ok.

Our readings were about denying the flesh and being humble not fighting. This was very interesting given an encounter with an individual who quoted that very scripture last night. I had a dilemma with this individual because he expressed a lot of strong opinions, judgements, and conflicts even though he professed the steps and the Lord very well. I spoke to him and he used this scripture to justify his opinions, to judge another and to rationalize his fight. As he spoke to me the quote came to mind "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone,...".

Today after mass I realized that I must do the same for this individual. I must let go of my strong opinions, quit judgeing him and not try to change him with a fight.
My ponsor said to me that the truth does not need to defend itself. My part can be to be meek and humble of heart buit be strong in the truth about myself.

We had a nice little dinner today for my dad's birthday.

This moning I had to accept that we were late getting up due to the late night party. I had to resist unjustifiably being angry at my wife or myself.

Today I stuck tp the plan of getting the kids to go outside in the morning snd in the evening even though I didn't do it well or for a long time.

I started to feel down today about low energy but rembered the late night and the good cause for it.

Tonight I decided to go to the meeting so that I would leave the house at least once today.

The topic was on step 11, the evening review.

I didn't share. I regret that I didn't share because some people shared that they do not do the evening review perfectly. The description that they gave was of doing it in their head and falling asleep before they make it sometimes. I couldn't ever get centered enough to keep it simple so I didn't ever jump in. But if I did I think I would have done best to share that I do the evening review perfectly. I have to. For me "alcohol is a subtle foe" means that my relapses come without warning. I can't trust my feelings or using thoughts as predictors of relapse. The only warning I get is that I am not doing some steps as outlined in the book. The measure of perfection of the evening review is every evening, and that's what I do.

If I do not do the evening review then I need to treat that as a relapse warning sign.

I gotto play chess with my son today.

I got to hug and kiss my wife today.

I got to laugh with the babies and the addicts today.

I lived, I loved, I laughed today.

Thanks be to God.

Tonight I tried to do my step 6 meditation.

The key to willingness is the conversion of the will.

I thought alot today about what Independence means in regard to the freedoms we have been blessed with in this country. I also thougt of independence in regard to freedom from dependency.

Tonight I met a guy named Chance who was 3 hours out of a treatment center. The story we read a our meeting was "My Chance to Live".

Our family went to a party at my sponsor's house. We stayed there until 12:30 PM.

This morning I read the daily scriptures Jn 20:24 about Thomas the apostle and when he saw the Lord and came to believe and said "My Lord and my God".
I decided to look up the elevation of the Eucharist at communion and found this quote in a blog and some other pages that corroborated it.

"Adore the Body of the Redeemer as the priest elevates the Host for our veneration. Say silently: MY LORD AND MY GOD"

"When the priest elevates the Precious Blood, say silently: BE MINDFUL, O LORD, OF THY CREATURE WHOM THOU HAST REDEEMED BY THY MOST PRECIOUS BLOOD"

Today I was very busy at work again and felt buried and worried at times but at the end of the day I managed to get into decent shape.

I didn't get to go to my noon meeting.

We had another good evening at home.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up late and didn't have time for much prayer.
Today I was terse with my wife several times.
At the park I was rude to a guy who let his dog loose and scared my kid. He apologized but I was still rude. I also got so angry I could barely talk.
At the noon meeting I was judgemental about a guy's sharing.

These were my shortcomings today and I ask God to take them from me and show what corrective measures I should take.

I need to wake up on time tomorrow and pray.
I must apologize and tell my wife I love and appreciate her.
I will watch for the guy at the park and apologize to him if I ever see him.
I must keep my concern for sharing to my own and just do the best job I can.

Today at te noon meeting we read the last pages of the personal story "Jim’s Story". Before I got to the meeting I remembered what I had been thinking lately about keeping it simple when it comes to my sharing. I was able to focus in on two things the way that his actions matched those of an insane person and how the obsession was removed from him rather than him working on staying sober and how this came about from identification with another alcoholic.

I thought some more about the story I read in the grapevine today when my friend shared in the meeting.

"The writer spoke about getting into irritability and discontent and then spoke about having a realization of recovery and a perspective shift. But there was no talk of specific steps just the sort of anecdotal insight that he heard in fellowship. There is something to get from this."

Well what I got from this is what I often hear about people's experience in the program. People will often talk about some event that happened in their life and about how it was resolved "thanks to this program". But what they will refer to is some anecdotal insight or perspective shift that they heard or thought of. This is fine except that it isn't the program and therefore people who haven't worked the program develop an expectation that these epiphenies are the solution.

I experience these too but the real boon is the re-formation that comes from working specific steps and getting connected to a higher power that makes this possible.

I need to meditate on this more.

I was unnerved today by many tasks that I had to leave incomplete at work.

I got to play with the kids in the yard and neighborhood and ride bikes today.
I got to talk to my brother in Christ who lives in a different city today.

This morning I focused mainly on contemplation when I woke up. I have been missing this and was moved to this in the same way that my body tells me I need rest or water or specific foods. I got to read the daily scriptures from the mass.

Today I was extremely busy at work and at times was afraid of makimg mistakes.

At lunch I read a story from the grapevine. The writer spoke about getting into irritability and discontent and then spoke about having a realization of recovery and a perspective shift. But there was no talk of specific steps just the sort of anecdotal insight that you hear in fellowship. There is something to get from this.

Tonight I kept the two toddlers while my wife went to her meeting. We spent some quality time outside riding bikes and trikes in the circle. It is getting more fun to have kids.

Thanks be to God for another great day.