Today I got to go to the noon meeting downtown for the first time since the start of the quarter. I was grateful for this opportunity.

All day I thought about the baseball player who is a recovered addict. It was a national news story. It is a great inspiration for me that we can go to any heights with God's help.

This evening I kept the kids while my wife went to her meeting.

Tonight I got to watch the all star game with my son.

Today I didn't feel tired or sick or dis-ordered.

I thought about God's presence several times today.

After sleeping so much yesterday I did not sleep one minute last night. In the morning I asked for the right guidance and I did the right thing and went to work. It was a little tough at times but it was not too bad and I made it through the day.

Tonight I watched a recovered addict hi 28 home runs in the home run derby.

Last night I didn't do an evening review.

Yesterday I had a busy day and spent a lot of time outdoors in the 100 degree heat. It wasn't a bad day or terribly hard work or anything, I got to do much needed yardwork and play a lot with my kids. By the end of the day I was exhausted and irritable with my wife. Throughout the day yesterday I had a persistent sense of self-pity.

I really needed to do inventory last night.

This morning we planned to go to mass early as my wife had a lunch event planned with some family who were passing through. Early in the morning she or I did not get up. I kept telling myself that I couldn't do it if she didn't get up but the truth was that I felt terrible and couldn't wake up.

We never made it to mass but I did watch it on TV and make spiritual communion as best as possible with the kids being disruptive.

I had to nap throughout the day and at one point felt like it was 8 pm and the day was over. But it was not.

It was mid-afternoon and I got out of bed and decided to start over.

My mom was visiting and made us a wonderful enchilada dinner. My dad showed up and brought my son a much needed package of baseballs. My son told me the outcome of the afternon base ball game that I missed. We all had another great Sunday afternoon and I felt like God had restored me from my depression.

In the evening my wife had a re-sale transaction at the house so this gave me the opportunity to go to my 12-step meeting.

Before our meeting I got to talk to a guy about my experience in making it back from relapse by guiding others who were newer in recovery than me.

The topic of our meeting was a reading from "A Vision For You". In particular, "..you cannot transmit something you haven't got".

After the meeting a good friend shared his 5th step/confession experience with me.

I rode home with a vision of of purpose that was greater than my recent troubles at work. I thought of the passion of Jesus and found identification that helped put things back in to perspective for me. I visualized an idea that I can persevere in confidence despite whatever the outcome is so long as God's will is my primary purpose.

Thanks be to God for a vision revealed.

Today my fear rose up several times and I had to turn it over. Overall my spirits were good and I was able to be a productive and effective worker and a contributer in team meetings.

By the end of the dqay though my fear was like static in the background.

I got to go to my meeeting tonight. We read the personal story titled "student of life". I found many great experiences that i relaed to and that were relevant to what was shared by others. But I never was moved to chime in and didn't get to share. However somehow it felt right. After the meeting I pulled away with a friend to play washers and I felt like we missed talking to other people after the meeting.

I turns out that my friend was going through a tough time and I got to talk to him about it a great deal. I also got to share my inventory with him.

All was as God intended today.

5:30 AM 7-11-08
Last night my wife and my son interrupted my review. I went to bed resentful. This morning I was woken up by my wife and yoounger son and then I started thinking about mytroubles at work and I couldn't go back to sleep. For the first time since this all started I lay i bed awake at night. I started to plan how I was going to have a talk with my wife but then I handed over my resentment to God.

These are the basic things I still need to review:
I had expectations at work
I have been living on ,y past accomplishments
I Need to accept that I will be living with uncertainty in my work for a long time

I am grateful that I was able to get to sleep last night without losing sleep over the incident that happened yesterday.
When I woke up this morning I thought of it right away and started to have desolate feelings. But I was instantly aware of this and set about my spiritual activities in earnest. God was very present for me this morning. I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the way that God has comforted me today.

I had some ups and downs this morning but I had some epiphenies and spiritual growth spurts as that are blowing my low spots out of the water.
I had a hard time being motivated to work in the morning.
At times I thought about just quitting.
I realized that I had made another mistake that could have been seen as major and could cost me my job.
I was very afraid again.
I thought about why I was afraid.
I was seeing things with my limited vision.
I remembered how I thought in the morning about how God has always provided for me.
I thought about psalm 23.
I thought today of how much more important my role as a spiritual worker is in God's kingdom than my worldly job.
I thought about what an opportunity this is to demonstrate God's omnipotence.
I found desire to break my worldly and sensual dependencies.
Later in the day I receieved an email that seemed to indicate the incident had come in under the radar.
My Boss singled me out in front of the group as a lone success on a particular task today. This was a poignient moment for me.
I made it through the day and felt a great sense of recovery.

I made a couple of calls to some of my fellows in recovery on the way home.

My wife was very supportive and loving to me again this evening, this is HUGE to me.

I got to do our evening family activities and I again found solace in my vocation as a father.

Thanks be to God for this day and this life.

I was given a "Last Chance" interview at work today. It came out of nowhere, I couldn't believe it. I felt like I had been stabbed in the back of the neck. I knew I had gotten in trouble but I didn't expect to be told that "the wheels had fallen off of my bus" and that I had to recover my "brand" or lose my job.

I was afraid.
I was resentful.
I went through a series of emotional low spots and shut down a couple of times.
I was grateful to be spiritually awake to what was happening in me and to address these feelings objectively.
I had to face my instinctive drives that were being threatened.
I had to ask God for help, I had to ask Him to re-cover me at my core.
I had to face and resist a descent into self-pity.
I had to resist my instinct to fight, to dwell on it, and to hash out plans.
I had to consinder what God has done for me and his plans for me and how this fits into the scheme of things.
On the way home I found relief and freedom in adressing my fear and placing myself in God's hands.

I had to come home and attend to family responsibilities. I had to let it go and be there and not let it manifest into anger at my family.
Once I came home I wasn't able to process my feelings any further.
I kind of shut down again.
At one point I overreacted angrily at my son for something small but I caught it instantly and thought of my role in God's kingdom as a loving father and I resumed my confident spirit as my son's provider and mentor and I showed him love and joy.
My wife was very supportive.
My wife went to her meeting so I was alone with the kids.
I listened to Fr. Barron and found some perspective. He talked of the three temptations of sensual pleasure, glory, and power.
I realized that I have placed too much dependency on the glory of that job.
I have placed too much dependence on my sensual comfort.

I realized that I have to trust in God.

I got resentful that I didn't get a chance to write as it was very late and my kid was calling me to finish his bath. I jotted down what happened but I am writing this out at the end of the day on 7-9.

I see now that God gave me the support that I needed.