I had a good morning and went to the noon meeting. Our topic was the end of step 3 and the beginning of tradition 3. It was a great meeting with many people there and an old member who is very active in the fellowship. I spoke about my trials with lack of willingness and how it was key to a complete surrender of my will. I also talked about how by surrendering my will and allowing it to be re-formed I was able to experience joy in my life again.

At the end of the day I felt like I was walking through a minefield juggling han grenades again. I am kinda worried that I will be laid off tomorrow. I had to ask God to relieve my anxiety on the way home today. I am going to strive to find that place of right perspective about this again.

Today the thing I could have done better was to ask for help from my coworkers at the end of the day.

Last night and tonight I got to speak to a sponsee.

Yesterday I started out feeling fairly demoralized but I stopped and made sure to do a focused meditation in the morning.

I ended the day feeling a lot better although I was exhausted and fell asleep with one of my kids in my arms.

This morning I heard a priest talk about how important it is that we be willing to forgive others. He spoke about how important humility is in being able to forgive. I realized that I hadn't thought about forgiving those with whom I disagree right now. He also spoke of how we discern God's will. I almost didn't keep listening but I stuck with it. Then he said one of the most important things I have heard in a long time. He said that the adversary speaks in the form of desolation and that the Holy Spirit speaks to us as consolation.

Today at mid-morning I overheard a friend's conversation that opened a window of perspective that gave me a great new sense of freedom in my job situation. My friend spoke of his demoralization and of the history there. I realized that no one there is in great standing. I realized that I am not a bad worker. I realized that no matter how hard I try it is out of my control. I thought about how I can just do the best that I can for my own conscience and I will be ok no matter the outcome.

My feeling of desolation was broken, I felt connsolation come in.

I got to go to the noon meeting today.

We had a nice evening outside. At some point I felt a profound sense of privelege to have the children I have. I realized just how precious they are. I resolved not to manhandle them.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Today I had a meeting with 3 of my bosses. It was not fun. I was grateful for one of them who wanted to help me build back up a buffer from termination but I left feeling as though things were not better. I felt humiliated and demoralized.

I feel like I don't deserve to be placed on the verge of being fired for "what could happen" or "who I might not respect". None of my mistakes actually cost or lost anything. None of my mistakes were outside of what you might expect from someone in the first year of doing the job that I do.

Nevertheless I must ask God to remove my resentment and fear.

This is no different than my previous inventory on this matter, I must simply turn it over to him and remember that the Father do'eth the works.

Today I thought mostly of myself.

I should have been more kind and loving with my wife.

Tomorrow I should try again to more fully trust that God will take care of us.

This morning we had a very hard time at church. The baby kids misbehaved terribly. I tried my best to restrain my anger. I had to pull out of the communion line when one of the kids was spnning by his arm and the baby was crying loudly. We eventually had to leave early. I came home worn out. My wife pointed out to me that I was manhandling the kids inappropriately.

Our scripture reading today was three parables.

I slept 3 hours in the afternoon.

This evening things mellowed out and we had a nice little dinner.

This morning I stayed with the babies while my wife an oldest went to garage sales.
I mowed part of the lawn and did dishes and cleaned.
At midday my son and I went for haircuts.
In the afternoon I played washers with my son and chaperoned the kids while they rode trikes.
In the evening I took my son for batting practice.
Tinight I played a game of chess with my son, he won.
Today I thought about how the parable of the sower is about denial.

What is the rich soil?
- Priority
- Discipline
- Understanding

My son was proud that he won his first chess game.
Today I thought about how the sun and the moon in the sky with a face is a powerful symbol of God.

Thanks ge to God for a great little day.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me but I persevered and got through it. At noon I got to go to the meeting. The topic was step 2 in the twelve and twelve. As we read the chapter I noticed some parallels to the parable of the sower. The chapter spoke of the person who had belief but had selfish or worldy motives. I thought about how the parable spoke of 4 dimensions of faith starting with the person who knew of God but faith never took root, then the person with a strong beginning but shallow faith that was short lived, then the one who has faith but hangs on to worldliness and his faith is choked out by anxiety, then the faith that grows in rich soil.

I always thought that you either had faith or you didn't but now I realize that there can levels of faith that are not deep enough to bear fruit.

Last night my wife got very angry at me because I fell asleep while she was out late and the kids went nuts in the house.

Today my other boss had a talk with me. This was favorable for my situation. My situation did not make sense to him. I wish I would have done a little better job of expressing my thoughts to him. But nevertheless I am grateful that my situation is getting an objective review. This afternoon we had a team meeting. I was able to be a good contributor.

Tonight I got to go to my meeting.

Thanks be to God for the fruits of faith.

This morning I made a big mistake. I woke up at 5 am and fell back asleep until 6:12 am. I then got mixed up and thought that it was 5:12 am. I didn't realize that I was late until it was 5 minutes until my start time. Then I didn't call my new boss directly. I called the main line and then called my old boss thinking that my current boss doesn't arrive until 9:00 am.

I almost got fired. I had to endure a painful chastisement from my boss and I didn't feel like I could speak truthfully to him when he asked me if I thought he was overreacting. I couldn't remember my decision making process when he asked me why I didn't call my boss directly and I thought that it was because I didn't have his number memorized.

I was very afraid and demoralized today and I was buried in work. I like having lots of work but I was teribly distracted and it all felt like a big minefield.

I had to ask God for help amd turn to his kingom for perspective.

I didn't get to go to the noon meeting today.

My wife gave e a lot of moral support tonight and helped ease my fears.

My family gave me comfort also.