Today I saw another sign that I am on the way out at work. I had to resist the impulse to fear and to resignation. My meditation last night gave me inspiration and peace of mind. I had a task to complete my personal review questions. Part of what I had to list were principles that guide me in the workplace. One the things I listed was that I strive to be "mission-centric" rather than worrying about my personal circumstances or the actions of others. This was the inspired perspective that I receieved from the scripture reading last night. I resolved to continue to focus on mission rather than reaction.

Tonight I wasn't sure I wanted to go to the Book Study meeting. I went out of a sense of duty. Only a few free-world" people showed up. But then a bus came from a treatment center. They were many of the same men that were there earlier this week when I went there. We read the story "tightrope", the story of a gay man in recovery.

I was afraid as the story unfolded that the many gay lover references would be objectionable to these men in early sobriety. Each man graciously read his part to the end.

I thanked them for this and used the paragraph where the writer states that AA focused on principles rather above all else as my learning and sharing point. I expressed how I was easily distracted by my judgements of others in my life and this kept me from the self-examination and basic spirituality that I needed to acquire. I explained how this program got me to do just that. I observed that I was a religious person now but thayt early on this could be a big distraction because of the broad scope of religion and that I just needed to learn basic spiritual practices and take my own inventory. I was able to work in that I found that I had a worse sexual disorder than those I judged, I had infidelity, promiscuity, and polygamy. I spoke about how these are the worse type of sexual disorder and that that's where my judgement needed to be.

My intention is not to endorse the behavior or pretend it's ok. Rather it is to focus on the solution to alcoholism/addiction while I'm at AA/CA. I can express my disapproval of that type of sexual disorder outside of the rooms. I noted to myself that the writer expressed a state of internal disorder related to his sexuality.

I was interrupted in my review by crying children.
I went to bed ad prayed with my middle son.

Today I had another setback at my job. I made a mistake that made it on my bosses radar. I am at a place now where I accept that it is inevitable that I am going to lose my job. I am not aftraid of being unemployed, or of the loss of prestige, or loss of a job I like too much. I am mostly afraid of having to go through the difficult process of termination. I don't like awkward confrontations with people and especially with people that I want to like.

My self esteem is threatened
My personal relations are threatened - Fear
My security, pocketbook, and ambitions are threatened - Fear
My sex relations are threatened - Fear
My pride is hurt - Fear

I should have valued attention to detail higher and communicated my workload better in my job to avoid making mistakes.
I should just take responsibility and own these mistakes and not be a victim.

Going forward I must strive to rely on God in my inermost self where my instincts generate my fears.

I must strive to remain amicable with my protagonists and rebuild bridges so that they might reconsider me later down the road if they ever feel this was a mistake.
I must continue to pray for acceptance of losing the job but also remember that it is not a certainty yet.
I must begin to prepare to be in the mindset of being on a job search.

~~~

Today I thought some of a new perspective of what "selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of our troubles" means. I previously only thought of the overt or visible signs of selfishness/self-centeredness. But I didn't think of the more deeper ceded

I was able to get through the day in relatively good spirits and we had a nice little evening at home after work.

Thanks be to God for a design for living.

Corrective Measures:
After writing this review I read the daily scriptures. Today's Gospel reading was Mt 16:13-23 - “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?”.
In the last verse the Lord tells the disciples that he must endure the sacrifice. Reading this really helped me to accept the difficulty that I must go through whether I lose my job or not. I must embrace my suffering as an opportunity to demonstrate God's omnipotence.

Who do I say the Son of Man is?

Today I went to the noon meeting. When I walked in a lady from out of town was chairing because none of the regulars was there. A guy stopped me and asked me to chair because she was not following the format. She asked me to introduce myself and the meeting stopped for a moment. I made a decision to accept her choices in leading the meeting as she was willing to step up and chair.

She informed me that the topic was acceptance.

I almost didn't go today but I'm glad that I did. There were only a few inexperienced people there and they weren't sure what to say. I was able to share my experience. A good regular member came in and he shared his experience as well.

The meeting ended early and I stayed talking to my friend. Or discussion turned to my troubles and he shared some basic words out of the Big Book that helped me immensely.

Tonight I thought of the spokes of the wheel all leading to the same God. I haven't believed this concept in a long time. But recently I have taken a new look at it.

In the past I believed it in the sense that all forms of spirituality lead to the same God so it didn't matter what your preferred spiritual path was. In that belief also Christianity was just one of the spokes parallel to the rest of the religions and forms of spirituality.

This new conception is one of all the archetype of the spokes radiating out from the center and men being inspired by the same God. The spokes are the forms of spirituality seeking to complete the connection to teh center. Montheistic paths are closest to being complete, and the abrahamic faiths are nearer even more so. However, the center of the spoke is not just God but is Christ. Therefore, while the idea of the spokes were inspired from the same God, and know it or not they seek that union back to the center. Only Christianity is a complete spoke. Many of the spokes are broken. Some more so than others. However, we do not know where God extends his grace out and completes the spoke for those spiritual paths.

Tonight it was very nice to come home to a full house. I am exhausted now.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Today at work I felt like I was herding cats. I was buried by requests and tasks. I didn't get to make it to they noon meeting. I am grateful that I was so overridden because today felt like it would have been very long if I didn't have so much to do.

When I got home this evening I seemed to carry my burdens with me. I really missed my family. I cooked a big meal and ate by myself.

After dinner I thought about going to a meeting. I thought about how I have been to a meeting every night and I really don't need to go. I thought about all the home maintenance that I am neglecting. I thought about how I don't have any money and need to conserve my gas. I remembered that tonight is the night of the H&I meeting that I never get to go to anymore. I thought about how the meetings are not just for me.

On my way to the meeting I felt mentally drained and lacking inspiration. I tried to focus on a topic thread or to put together some thoughts, but I couldn't. I caught myself on a long stretch of road over some rolling hills and just asked for God's help with guidance and direction.

At the meeting I got to meet some guys over a game of table tennis. There were only two other guys there for the panel. The topic was God's will not mine. One guy shared from the heart, the other guy just had a few words. The thoughts and words came to me to share a great deal of experience.

A guy in the meeting spoke up during an extended silence. He said he never shares in meetings. He said "I just got it! It just clicked for me!". He went on to share a fundamental principle that finally made sense to him and he said he found a conception of God and his willingness at that moment.

One of the guys on our panel was coming back from relapse. He was my friend the atheist who I used to see at that meeting. He hadn't been there since the same time that I quit going. We just happened to go there on the same night tonight. He expressed his need to find a God concept and we talked a little about it. It was the greatest opportunity I have had in a long time to carry the message.

On the way home my wife called and said they are on their way home unexpectedly.

Thanks be to God for everything I need.

Today I was afraid again going to work. It felt like Mondays used to feel, like the dreaded start of a long week. At some point in the morning I was graced with freedom again.

At noon I got to go to the meeting. The group members were especially welcoming today. I started feeling like an important member of the group.

My wife and kids decided today to stick out hurricane Edouard in Houston. I was afraid at first but now I am excited for my son. I grew up all my life fascinated by severe weather and I always wondered what a Hurricane would be like. This one is only supposed to be a minimal strength storm so it should be exciting but not too dangerous... I hope.

This afternoon I was very tired and I fell asleep hard after work. I woke up within 30 minutes of the evening meeting. I thought about going to the meeting but thought I have been to enough meetings lately but then I thought that I don't just go to meetings for me that I go to help the new person. I walked in and took the last seat at the table, it was right next to temptation.

The meeting topic was given and a long, awkward silence fell. I had some incomplete thoughts bt it was enough for me to open up with.

I got to see a good friend get a 25 year keytag.

Thanks be to God for his protection and care and for peace of mind today.

This morning my wife was late getting up. This made it uncertain if I was going to be able to get to church on time since the baby was awake. Also my middle son had a rough trip to the store so I felt like I would need ample preparation to decide to take him.

I did get to go and I managed to resist getting irrritable about it. I was able to accept things as they were. At church there was a single woman there that looked like an friend from my childhood. I had to resist the temptation to look or think anything other than platonic thoughts.

I was pleased that my oldest son was well behaved at church. We got to spend some quality time together again.

The gospel was the fishes and the loaves. The priest's homily was about trusting God to give us all we need.

I thought some more today about step 8. I thought about the misconception that step 8 will stir up old conflicts that should be left in the past. I also thought about how difficult it seems and how I have to realize the fatal nature of the disease in order to take such radical action.

My wife took all the kids on a trip to her father's house. As the trip approached this morning I became afraid that she was taking the trip alone with all four kids in this heat, in our van of questionable reliability and with a tropical storm approaching. Knowing how dead set she was about this I had to trust in God and let her go.

When she left she commented that she was worried about the potential for relapse while I was alone. I couldn't really think about that as I was just worried about their safety and overwhelmed with the chaos of their departure. As I thought about this later I realized that I am more worried about the potential for unfaithfullness.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. Temptation sat down on both sides of me. I had to guard my thoughts and keep from looking. After the meeting it seemed as if temptaton was continuing to pursue me. I resisted.

Our topic was about trusting God to give us all we need.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

This morning I had to take care of the kids all morning while my wife had a garage sale again. I did the housecleaning and didn't get angry about it. After noon I got angry at her because I felt like she wasn't closing up the sale and I had to go to the store for formula. When I got back I made amends to her for getting angry I admitted that I shouldn't have griped at her. She also apologized to me for getting angry.

I watched an episode of "The Cleaner" today. The recovered addict was working so much at his job (chasing addicts) that he neglected his family. I thought about how this would not be living by God's will and would disrupt the power that retsores me to sanity. This would harm others and be just like addiction in that sense. The protagonist's wife expressed that sentiment to him.

There is however the parallel to the story that fellowship and service work are major sacrifices that families must make in order to keep the grace of God.

Today I thought again about “The Kingdom of heaven is like a treasure buried in a field,". Earlier this week I thought that the simplest reading of the parable is that the “The Kingdom of heaven" refers to actual heaven and therefore the whole parable refers to the afterlife. I thought I might be reading into it something that is not intended by thinking of “The Kingdom of heaven" as the spiritual life in this life.

I thought of the supporting readings on Sunday and Thursday thought that this must mean that the intepretation of the church is what led me in this direction and Fr. I thought of some of the other ideas related to this in the parables and the parallels of seeking spiritual wisdom.

Selling what you have is like changing your priorities and getting rid of old values.
Culling a net full of fish is like focusing on what's really important.
Re-burying the treasure to buy the land and come back for it is like finding the truth and going through the process of changing your life and persevering for the long term gratification.

Father Barry's focus on the "treasures of the Kingdom of heaven" as being spiritual principles and that we should be treasure seekers rather than seekers of worldly treasures supported this also. Father Barron's teaching was also consistent with this.

Today I heard that it says "Fear not" and "trust in the LORD" 365 times in the bible. I realized that is one for every day of the year.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. On the way to the meeting Father Larry's program was on and he was talking about the importance of making amends. I found that I really didn't want to think about this. The program reminded me that it is August 2nd and that it is time for me to start my 8th step study. I thought I will think about it later. I realized that this is a step that I resist the most. I thought it will probably be the topic of the meeting. The topic of the meeting was from the first 3 pages of the 12 and 12 on step 8.

Thanks be to God for the treasures of heaven.