Morning thought:
People learn 5 ways (hold up five fingers):
Listening (& Talking) - Trainer, lecturer, feedback
Reading - Research, study, reference
Seeing - Visuals, composition, descriptive language
Doing - Hands-on, walk-through, focus
Repeating - Continued training, Building on foundation, gradual loading of information

Today I had a good day at work. I feel like my "brand" is steadily being repaired. I feel like I am finally making the skills advancement that I need to be able to focus on relationship building. It was the type of day where anything seems possible.

I got to go to the noon meeting. I felt like a vital part of a sober community. I thought today that the most important way that I can help cultivate the tradition of primary purpose is to stick to the primary purpose myself. There is a time for fraternal correction and it is rare but by sticking to stating it only about my own conduct then I can be most effective.

Today we read from the story "The Perpetual Quest". I noted how in the beginning the author cites several examples of people he knew that died from the disease that were intelligent, prosperous, talented, successful, respected, maybe even famous and lucky in love. Yet they still succumbed to alcoholism. I always believed that alcoholics were people that lacked intelligence, creativity, prosperity, and had to have been damaged.

When it came to sobriety I thought the answer was to become successful and I wouldn't have to drink. I also thought that my solution was to correct my external problems and I would be able to control my drinking.

When all my external efforts failed I accidentally ended up in AA and I learned that something different than my conventional thinking. I learned that AA affected people even when their lives were perfect on the outside. I realized that it was so for me also. I realized the true nature of my disease, that it was a mental disorder that required an internal solution.

This afternoon I addressed the disagreement with my wife. After talking about it and disagreeing we both conceded our contempt and took amends steps. By the evening we were talking about stuff we both care about and having a good time as a couple and a family.

Tonight I give over my fears and my pride and my judgment and I ask God to transfigure my will with His will. I ask God to re-cover me at the core, I ask him to be the point of my point of view.

Thanks be to God for Love and Life.

This morning started rough for me when I woke up feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. I tried to put it aside and I asked God for help. By the time I finished my shower I felt energetic and ready to take on the day.

A few morning thoughts:

The Disease, threefold:
- Body: Physical Allergy, Phenomenon of Craving, Chronic, Progressive, & Fatal
- Mind: Mental Obsession, Mental Blank Spot, Denial, Delusion, No Power of Choice
- Spirit: Spiritual Malady, Dystonia, Dis-order (anxiety, stress, vacancy) & Disconnection

This morning an important person spoke enthusiastically of wishing to be able to rid the world of 5 unworthy persons. I was appalled but had to remind myself that that was me at one time.

By noon I was feeling like my thoughts and motives were in order again. I also felt physically energetic.

The words for the feeling that I was thinking of this weekend are aimlessness and vacancy .

I got to go to the noon meeting and had the following thoughts...
Delusion is the combination of denial and illusion. Denial comes when I look at things through the lens of my fears, desires, and judgement. My vision is limited and distorting.

We read the end of "Me an Alcoholic". I was inspired by two adjacent paragraphs where the writer spoke of his doctor's humble admission and this admission being key to power and courage. I had a sequence of thoughts about the process of admission. I guess the first part of the first step.

I realize that today I was moved by the spirit to think of step one for some reason.

I realized tonight that the vacancy I felt this weekend was from my expectation to always have my way. I am too dependent on my will at some level. I should remember that my primary duty right now is to attend to my kids. I should try and relentlessly cultivate the idea that having these children is a privelege ad that my service to them is a an opportunity.

Thanks be to God for the treasures of heaven.

Yesterday morning I had baseball practice with my son. He was very agile and coordinated. He made good catches and throws and he made good decisions. Our new coach taught us some very good fundmental mechanics and training methods. I was proud of my son's skills but I was most proud that he listened and followed directions.

The rest of the afternoon I spent cleaning and resting and constantly attending to the kids needs. In the afternoon I began to have a sense of futility that I get when I must constantly change direction from what I am thinking and planning. When I am at work I often have to do what I don't WANT to do for a long period of time. But this is worse than that. This is more like not being able to follow any kimd of constructive plan but just being in mental limbo for a long time.

Last night my wife worked the church carnival and I stayed home with the kids. It was an overwhelming amount of work for me and I passed out exhausted late last night without being able to do an evening review. This gave me an idea of what it will be like when she goes to work. I will have to find ways to get things done like starting right after dinner.

Today my wife slept in and none of us made it to church. I made sure to watch the mass on TV and make spiritual communion.

Most of the morning I was exceptionally tired and slept on and off. I also had that same sense of mental vacancy that I had yesterday. It's like I have no sense of direction, initiative, or motivation. I feel as if I am just idling and that I am not getting something done that should I should be doing. During my time awake I was very busy with the kids and housework. I started thinking about the baseball game, yardwork, and party that we have to do next week and I started getting resentful.

I had to pray for God to remove my resentment and I had to realize that I needed to be grateful for beautiful children and a fruitful life.

This evening the cloudiness in my spirits lifted. My brother-in-law visited and the kids played with their uncle. I got to watch a baseball game and a football game and practice with my son.

I am ready to read today's scriptures and go to bed.

Thanks be to God for a fruitful life.

The last two mornings I have had a really hard time waking up and the last two nights I have been exhausted and passed out early. I have felt like my body was trying to get sick at times. The good thing is that I didn't get sick. The other good thing is that I didn't feel tired all day.

I am grateful for good health.

I went to the noon meeting today and the Big Book Study tonight.

Life is good, thanks be to God.

The last two days at work I have been extremely busy and I have been afraid of not keeping up and making mistakes at work. I must try to be grateful that we have lots of work as that keeps me employed and gives me the opportunity to succeed.

Yesterday was my son's first fall baseball practice. We had a great time and I was proud of my son.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting and read "Winner Takes All" again. There was a guy at his first AA meeting.

Monday night a guy asked me to sponsor him. He called me late last night but I was asleep. I tried to visit him at the sally but the attendant was not helpful. I had to accept things as they are and know that he and I will get together in God's time. I left a note and I will try and see him at that meeting soon.

Recently I have had using dreams again but I'm not sure when.

Yesterday I noticed how everyone came in exhausted and beat after the long weekend. I was grateful that I have a healthy lifestyle today and did not feel like they looked.

Thanks be to God for giving me everything I need.

Tonight in our meeting my blind friend brought the following topic:

My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems.

I remembered a moment this weekend when I was discontent because I had too much to do and not enough time to do it. My wife had errands, my son needed to practice, I needed to do yardwork, my parents were coming to visit, I had service work to do, We had church, I needed to check on work, etc., etc.

I had to stop and have a moment of inventory and a turn over my feelings to God. A few minutes later I found acceptance and was able to be content in the moment. Then I realized that we had a holiday on Monday and I had more time. It was like a miracle. God gave me an extra day and he made everybody else believe it was already on the calendar.

I remember that I didn't do the inventory for a purpose. I simply did it automatically out of the habit of my commitment to work the program. I didn't do it because I thought I was an addict. I didn't do it because I thought I wanted a better life. I just did it. Afterward I was grateful that I no longer was discontent, but I didn't feel a strong association of this action with my disease.

I remembered that lately my mind has been very focused on my life responsibilities and I seem to forget my addiction as something in the distant past. I remembered that I have lots of thoughts of spiritual relationship and growth but not so much about my redemption. I remembered that I had using dreams the past couple of nights.

I am grateful for the good things in my life but I have to remember that these are also the current distractions to my continued recovery. I have to remember that I still suffer from a mental blank spot, just on a different plane. The topic tonight help to vivify why I work the program and live the spiritual life.

Thanks be to God for the elements of a way of living which answers all my problems.