This morning I had a very effective and focused meditation. I think I experienced a spiritual growth increment. I found myself needing to trust in God to a greater magnitude. I took the leap and immediately felt like anything was possible and then felt like security and contentment will be a certainty.

This noon I got to chair the meeting. Our topic was tradition 4. I sorted out the following points

AA relates to the group like it does to the individual, it does not require that the group follow it's program.

AA discovered through trial and error that it should make suggestions and allow groups to make their mistakes rather than impose rules, that AA will survive.

This evening I was afraid... until I did this review and apprehended my faith again.

Thanks be to God.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We read the end of the personal story in the AA Big Book, Gutter Bravado.

This evening after work I got to make dinner.

I spoke to my sponsor about my recent inventory.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

I'm resentful at: The area servants
The cause: They fired me as Internet Committee Chairperson
Affects my: ambitions, pride, self esteem
Where was I to blame: I didn't go to 3 area meetings and I didn't make arrangements and give notice. I knew they might vote me out. I thought I was so good that I was above the rules. I placed too much value on the recognition of the position. I actually decided I didn't care if they fired me because I didn't care about the committee chair I just wanted to be webservant but then when they fired me I was mad...LOL!

I'm resentful at: My wife
The cause: For not making sure to arrange things so that I could attend the area meetings.
Affects my: ambitions, pride, self esteem, sex relations
Where was I to blame: I blamed her unfairly, it was just as much my fault. I made unreasonable demands from her. I am still holding the old sex ideal that the woman should carry the burden of the kids. I was trying to engage in a high maintenance personal activity that is not realistic to do and keep up family responsibilities.

This morning I vaguely remember that last night I had a major using dream.

I took time to meditate this morning and thought of spiritual reparation. I considered that the using dream was further evidence that I was experiencing spiritual deprivation due to not having a review of conscience 3 consecutive nights last week.

I thought of how this may seem overly dependent on the process or unrealistic but I have to remember that I am a person who has been gravely affected by a disease of the mind/spirit that requires dilligent maintenance.

I recieved some inspired conceptions today which I posted to my spiritual blog.

At mid-morning today I receieved notice that I had been fired from my area service position. I reacted angrily and had to do a spot inventory. I was able to reply with civility but lacking gratitude.

I had to resist thoughts of getting even by night being helpful. Later I began to discern that it would be better to be helpful. I got some hints from God when I picked up my son from religious education and read his classwork. Then we played his sticky situations game and the answer was Luke 6:24-37, Love Your Enemies.

I did a 4th step on it tonight.

At noon today I got to go to my meeting, the chapter was the end of step 4 again in the twelve and twelve. How's that for synchronicity. I thought of how I never have like hearing so much about how we're selfish and self-centered then I recalled that my conception of what this meant changed.

After the meeting a guy asked if the information in the Twelve and Twelve was the same as the Big Book. The guy that answered the question was the guy that chaired the meeting. He answered no. I helped by answering yes and no and providing a little more explanation. Once again I was just a support person in service work. I was an anonymous helper, but I got to do what really counts and I got to do it well.

Thanks be to God.

At mid morning I didn't feel right. I couldn't place my finger on it but I just didn't have the usual inspiration that is a daily part of my life. It didn't seem to be an emotional thing, I didn't feel intellectually slow, I didn't have any instinctual disturbance, I just felt a little empty. I thought about divine guidance but this seemed unimportant. At this point I took a spot check inventory of my program. What have I missed? I did 12th step work yesterday. I caught up on my reviews yesterday. That's when I knew what it was. I was feeling the delayed effects of missing my evening review 3 nights in a row. This is one of the cunning aspects of the spiritual malady.

Today I went to the noon meeting and we read the beginning of Gutter Bravado.

This afternoon I spent some time outside with the kids.

Tonight I read about step 11 in the grapevine.

Tonight I was resentful at my wife for reacting angrily with my son. I should have been helping her more.

God save me from being angry, thy will not mine be done.

This morning the boys and I made it to mass without much stress. They both behaved fairly but both made some mistakes and had to do some penance.

I got to go to the CA meeting at the Ranch. I was late so I sat in the audience. The panel speakers went long and I got to speak last. After the meeting I seemed to get booted out of every conversation that joined. Thinking back now I see that I didn't try to seek out anyone new looking.

This Thursday I was blessed to have a full tank of gas from a friend of my wife who borrowed my truck to move her lawnmower. I would not have this if I lived my life of isolation as I did before. This was a small thing but it gave me some appreciation for the things that I take for granted.

I went to the noon meeting, our topic was step four.

This Friday I got to go to the noon meeting.

I got to go to the evening meeting but only two regulars showed up. We sat and talked instead of reading the story.

This Saturday my wife had a garage sale and made $300.00 that our family really needed.

I had an area meeting that day that I did not attend.

During the garage sale our neighbor griped loudly at some people who blocked his driveway. I caught myself getting angry but resisted. I also started to get judgmental that my wife should have thought forward about this.

I put out a sign and no one else parked there. The next day we greeted each other.

The rest of the day I felt very out of order but my son and I took a long bike ride and I felt much better.