Last night I couldn't sleep and had many conceptions about step one sorting out repetitively in my head until I had to get up and write them down. This continued today. Another part of my spiritual experience is beginning to unfold.

Today was my first son's birthday. The magnitude of this day almost eluded me until just a little while ago. As I sent him off to bed I picked him up and pretended it was the day that we brought him home and I was showing him around his new home. Throughout the day today he and I had moments when we made eye contact or gestures and felt that psychic connection with each other.

This morning I had low expectations from the religious programs that were on and the children's attention spans as they were preoccupied playing and I began to change the channel just as the sign of the cross was being said in a cartoon. But then my daughter completed the words and I realized just how much they enjoy it and do pay attention. I stuck with it and got to see a great cartoon about Fr. Maximillian Colby and another one about how Jesus' forgives sins. It was amazing to watch and talk to them about it and how attentive they were. And I had a personal experience with Jesus' coming to forgive sins. It was just what I needed.

I was worried about my son's party because the invitations were just sent out thursday and I didn't think anyone would show up and my son was very excited about it. I was also worried because of the weather. It worked out fantastic. Several of Bobby's friends came and even though it was windy and cool it was very nice. My father made me feel better when he talked about how much he liked being outside in the weather. My son had a great time and I got to meet and talk to three fathers of his friends. Two of the guys are from our block but I didn't know them and one guy needed information about baseball. I was very grateful that God brought together the party.

Tonight I prayed with the boys and girls and thanked God for all his blessings and for making my son's special day grand.

I am especially thankful to the LORD for my spiritual awakening which continues to unfold.

Today I went back to work with a good deal of confidence and freedom from fear. I had a busy and productive day and felt better and better as the day passed.

This evening I got to take both of my sons for a haircut and dinner afterward. It was the first time that I ever took them together and one of the first times that the three of us did anything together alone besides church. It was a nice little adventure and it was really cool to watch them interact with each other and me. This was something that I had anticipated a long time ago but forgot that I was waiting for. It was an awesome surprise gift!

Afterward, I got to go to the Friday night big book study meeting. When I got there there was no one there and some things were out of place and a light was on in a back room. I got kinda spooked and I quickly decided that the meeting would be canceled as the time to start approached and no one came. I called my sponsor and talked for a little while and then some people showed up.

We had a great meeting, we read "" from the personal stories. I thought the story was very much lie an addict story and related to much of it. There was a particular part about the many "God things" that had happened to the author that got me thinking about the recent God things that have happened to me recently. I thought about how that meeting coming together was one of those "God things".

Thanks be to God for my recovery!

I've been very ill for the last 4 days. I've gone through a lot of the feelings of fear and remorse that I usually go through when I get sick like this.
I was afraid of calling in sick to work.
I was afraid of losing my job.
I was afraid of sleeping too much and become an invalid.
I was afraid of being useless and slothful.
I was afraid of neglecting my appearance and hygiene.
I was afraid of neglecting my home.
I was afraid of neglecting my children.
I was afraid of telling the truth to my boss.
I was afraid that I was telling lies.
I was afraid that people would blame my sickness on my bad habits or my past.
I was afraid that I was going to be discovered as an addict due to being sick (this is not true of course).
The feelings in my body and in my sinuses felt like they did when I was hung over from using.
Once again I have to remember that I am no longer an addict living a lie and that it is ok to get sick. I must remember that it has nothing to do with using, that I still associate being sick with my old fears from back when it was.

Several other people were out sick which was good timing for me because it was apparent that something is going around. Thanks be to God.

Tonight I was watching a program about the body and how the mind can summon superhuman stength in dire, life threatening, circumstances. They also showed that athletes can train to summon these bursts for competition. This can also keep a person function through terrible pain and injury. I thought about how belief in a higher power (God) also works this way. Through spiritual conditioning, the power of God can overcome life threatening mental dysfunction, illness, and disorder.

Tonight I finaly feel 75% up to speed and confident I will make it to work tommorrow. I resolve now and with God's help to fear no more and to return confidently back to daily life.

Thanks be to God.

I had to stay home from work today because I was sick. I was afraid fo rmy job security. My wife was very supportive in reminding me that I have not taken off much time from work.

Tonight I thought of placing my sense of security in the almighty in stead of my limited vision.

I thought of the limits of my conceptions today.

I am turning to get some rest.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up sick, slept in and didn't make it to mass. I was pleased that my wife took my oldest son and daughter also. I made spiritual communion during mass on TV.

This evening my wife went to a fundraiser while I watched the kids. My son threw up, the dog threw up, my other son peed on the floor and my son had diarrhea in the floor. I was resentful.

I am very tired and afraid that I won't make it to work tomorrow.

I mustn't worry.

Thanks be to God.

Today I thought some more about the spiritual experience as inspired by the life on mars show.

I thought of how a life threatening crisis forced me to confront my dysfunction.
I thought of how lack of options forced me to confront the solution of faith.
I thought of how the need for faith forced me to research my objections.
I thought of how my decision for faith forced me to confront my morality and character.
I thought of how I had to go through a reformation.
I thought of how Saul had to go through a reformation period.

Tonight my wife went to work and I stayed with the kids. I caught myself griping at them too much.

When I said prayers tonight my middle son does what he usually does and prompted me to talk to God after our set prayers. I was grateful to him for this because I wasn't going to do it otherwise. I was especially grateful because I thought of doing a little review with them.

I asked God to forgive me for griping at the kids.
I asked God to forgive my oldest for telling a white lie.
I asked God to forgive #2 for not following directions.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Last night I watched an episode of the program "Life on Mars". It occured to me that the character is in a sort of spiritual experience in which he has been brought back to the time when he turned away from his faith.

Most people, myself included must face a life (or sanity) threatening crisis before we become open-minded enough to make a thorough investigation of the spiritual life.

Sam is going through that crisis.

In this experience...
He is revisiting his childhood.
He is faced with questions of right and wrong and good and evil.
He must guide people to make better choices because he comes from another place/time in which he has a better understanding.
He is seeing that the influences that led him away from his faith were not as they seemed because of his own limited perception.

I believe he is undergoing a conversion back to faith and a relationship with God.

When I went through my re-conversion I had to go back through my life and de-construct my walk away from God and all the things that led to that.

It took me back to the days when I was on my knees by my bedside as a boy in 1973 and I still believed.

I had to get back to that point and staTrt over with all my questions and dilemmas with God and allow my faith to be re-formed.

Thank God for second chances.

I got to go to the noon meeting, we read the end of Gutter Bravado.

Tonight I went to the Friday night meeting but I didn't want to go. I didn't think anyone was going to show up. I thought about the program and my choice to embrace the spiritual life like a man resurrected.

One guy showed up at the meeting. We got to talk about things he really needed to talk about. Another guy came in and talked to too. The other guy stayed and talked to me about what he needed to talk about.

It was just as it was supposed to be.

Thanks be to God for a great day.