This Thursday I went to the noon meeting and we read about step 10 from the 12 and 12. We read the paragraphs about the day's ledger and about our capacity for rationalization of justifiable correction, abuse, and resentment toward others.

After work my oldest son asked me to practice football with him. In the middle of our practice he asked me about how Adam and Eve discovered that kissing made babies. I explained to him that God designed this. I asked why he was asking. He told me how some of his classmates were kissing and that their DNA was going to mix and make babies. I hada to explain to him that there was more to it. That a man and woman had to sleep together and make kisses and hugs and when there private parts touched that the DNA was exchanged and that this is how babies were made. He replied, "so that is what is called sex!". I coughed and said "Yes, have you heard about this?" he said yes, that he had heard from his friends. He said "I don't want my father and mother to be having sex!".

This evening at home I almost got in an argument with my wife over future plans. As our discussion got heated I had to recognize that these were future events that merited some discussion but not decisions, expectations, or worry now. I had to pulll my opinions out of the discussion.

I did church practice with the kids and I remembered to resist anger, yelling, and spanking. I gave them love and hugs and assertive correction.

My wife griped at me later for some inequity that she felt and I had to stop my defensive argument. I had to just let her work through her feelings and let go of mine.

I fell asleep while meditating to write this review.

Last night I didn't get enough sleep.

Today I was buried at work and I was afraid that I would never get caught up.

I got to go to the noon meeting and we read the last paragraphs of We Agnostics and the first paragraphs of How it Works.

I finally got caught up late this afternoon and I managed to avoid any major problems.

We practiced sitting for church tonight. I was quick to gripe and spank the kids. During the homily the priest was saying that we should always be willing to correct the sinner but always with love. He talked about how God always loves us even when we don't love him. He said we should always love the sinner even if we hate the sin. We should always correct with gentleness and love.

I made amends to the kids with apologies and hugs. From that point on I made it a point to be kind to them even when I needed to be assertive.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up in a dream that I slipped and fell in some soft grass in a ditch by a road. I was so tired that I laid there for just a second but I drifted off to sleep. Then i realized that my arm and shoulder were in an ant pile but I couldn't wake up no matter how hard that I tried. I seemed to rise up out of a deeper sleep into a lighter sleep and I woke up.

I got to go to the noon meeting today. We read about step 10 from the 12 x 12. As I closed I got apologetic for rambling. But a guy said quietly that what I said was helpful.

I had a busy day at work. Toward the end of the day someone mocked an initiative at work and I joined in a little. A short time later I was speaking to the person who came up with the idea. I realized that what I did was a sin.

This evening I got the kids back on track with practicing church. We watched the mass of the feast of the Epiphany.

Thanks be to God for another blessed day.

Today was a VERY busy day at work but I avoided any major issues, thanks be to God.

I got to go to the noon meeting. On the way there the jail shuttle bus stopped right in front of me at a street intersection. I had a moment of gratitude for a second chance in life. The only seat available was in a place where I had to read and share immediately. I got to read 2 paragraphs from page 52 including the bedevilments.

I thought about how I accepted the need for a higher power as a mental health issue. I had a disease that centered in my mind. I had never considered that this might be the value of belief in a higher power. That it might give me the basis for a spiritual life, that a spiritual life would at least improve my outlook on life and at best might improve my thinking. I always thought that belief in God was out of fear and superstition and was not relevant to my real life. I thought that if there were a reason to believe that it was only related to the afterlife.

I had problems with my decision making. I could see that if I could make better decisions then I would not have the problems that lead to my misery. Perhaps if I could follow a strict code of morals like religious people then a lot of the chaos in my life would be stopped.

Perhaps even a clear cut decision making process would end the internal strife in my mind. Perhaps a belief in God was the power that would stop the debate and rationalization that took place at the start of every thought.

The chapter We Agnostics helped me see that I needed to take a new look at my objections to faith and a higher power. I needed to re-think and re-consider all of my current beliefs starting with the practical benefits of faith.

I didn't have to fully define, explain, or comprehend the nature of God, I just needed to decide to believe.

From that time on, Jesus began to preach and say,
“Repent, for the Kingdom of heaven is at hand.”

He went around all of Galilee,
teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the Gospel of the Kingdom,
and curing every disease and illness among the people.

Today my wife and kids were away on a trip. In the morning I went to my parents house for breakfast. We had a wonderful time talking and reminiscing and just being together like we used to be when I was a child. We talked about some things that we really needed to talk about and I sense us growing closer in love. My mom made a feast and we had some good laughs about the show I watched about gluttony.

It was nice to drive and run errands on a peaceful Saturday morning like I used to do before I had 3 more kids.

I did some chores and cleaning around the house and got a haircut so I felt a sense of accomplishment with the day.

Tonight I got to go to the Saturday night meeting. There were 70 people there. The guy that brought the topic was an old sponsee of mine who I could not get to do spiritual maintenance steps and has been a chronic relapser. He brought the topic on spiritual maintenance steps.

I talked to a friend after the meeting about struggles with obstinate sponsees. I got to suggest to him that he focus on carrying the message well and on how it keeps him sober rather than on whether the other guy gets it or stays sober.

Thanks be to God for a productive day.

I was grateful that I have a good job to go to today. I got up early enough to make it on time. I got up early enough to pray.

Today was a very busy day at work. It seemed that I was busiest of all. It dawned on me that I could have gotten resentful about that.

I got to go to the noon meeting there were only 4 other people there. I remembered that the guy who was a long term GSR for the group said that that meeting used to be so large that another meeting spun off of it.

I got to go to 3 meetings today. I don't believe that I need to go to that many meetings but I just felt so grateful to be sober this New Year that I had to go. I got the opportunity to go to the 5:45 meeting at the big meeting in my part of town because my wife and kids are out of town.

At that meeting I was surprised at how few actually shared about the program itself. I heard about people's struggles and I heard emotionally charged testimonies and I heard the latest one-liner. But, I didn't hear much about the practices that produce the connection to the power. I didn't hear much about the psychic change.

I made it a point to speak up.

I got to go to the Big Book study in my addiction fellowship. There was very low attendance due to a speaker meeting across town. But we read "Gutter Bravado" and there was a new guy there.

I miss my family but I am grateful for the silence.

Thanks be to God for the job he has given me.

This morning I woke up early with my son and I was grateful that I didn't have to drink last night.

Today I read a Grapevine article and I realized that it is now step 1 month. I decided that I would do step 1. I thought about admitting and about being powerless and about having an unmanageable life. I thought I was ready and then I remembered that I was leaving out the most important part, WE.

I thought about how I could not really do step 1, WE have to do it. I thought about the CA meeting tomorrow night. Then I realized that I should go to an AA meeting because today it is about being grateful for not DRINKING.

I spent all day with the kids, I fed them, and prayed with them, and guided them, and loved them. I took my son to the store in the afternoon on an errand. The other son watched me fix my bikes so that we can ride. I washed both vehicles as the day ended.

I had made up my mind to go to the AA meeting but I got busy and it almost got too late. As I was backing out of my driveway my son was looking at me longingly. I almost didn't go out of remorse. Then I remembered that I needed to do step 1. I remembered that I was there for him all day today and if it were not for step 1 I would not have been there at all. My heart felt a little lighter as I drove away. I waved and smiled at him and he seemed to know that it was worth it to give up Daddy for just a little while.

The meeting was a really good meeting about "I AM A MIRACLE" and powerlessness. I saw several friends there and the things shared gave me a lot to think about. However, I left the meeting feeling disappointed because I did not share. After the meeting I found a newcomer and spoke to him. On the way home I called a friend and shared my gratitude. Before I did this review I transcribed my thoughts on Spiritus Contra Spiritum. I realize now that I was not meant to share tonight in the meeting. I was meant to be made aware, spiritually aware, of the truth about myself.

Today I had to resist some desire but I gave in some. Today I found my self taking glee in someone Else's loss out of envy for what they had that I didn't. Today I got angry at my wife briefly in my thoughts.

Dear God please forgive me for my sins and help to do better tomorrow.

Amen