This morning I was afraid of what people think of me because of what I said about my faults and how I must admit the truth about my faults in order to be able to forgive others. I was afraid people will think I am a racist for admitting that I had racial hatred at one time in my life. I was afraid they would think that I was a rapist for admitting to exploiting drunk girld for sex. I was afraid that they would think that I was condemning them for saying that I need to forgive the racists and Hitler.

On my walk to the meeting I thought that I needed to be true to the word of God and that I need to only be worried about what He thinks. I will continue to pray for Him to correct me if I am wrong.

Today at noon I got to the 12 step meeting. We read about step 11, I got to read words that described our need for prayer as spiritual nourishment. I noticed that the reading referred to the mind, the emotions, and the intuition. I tried to talk about how I always thought that the key to my mental well-being was knowledge, physical fitness, and will-power. I remembered the vacancy that I felt even when I was at my most fit, even when I was financially secure, even when I had the most self-control, even when I was most knowledgeable.

We also read... "It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life."

This morning my wife got very angry at me for throwing away her 2008 calendar. It was inconsiderate o me to do so. I also made the mistake of commenting that she should talk to someone about it not just gripe at ne. This made her even more angry. I realized that I have been getting very worried that she is on the verge of a breakdown. I told her so and suggested that she talk to someone about it, maybe a professional. She has been suspiciously quiet and nice about it.

This afternoon I fell behind and after staying late 30 mi9nutes I had to leave things unfinished. I was afraid of consequences of this.

Tonight I must spend some time in meditation and let God do the work that only he can do.

Today I was resentful that someone was critical of an action at my job. I was afraid of the uncertainty of which action might bring about consequences.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. A person shared about a justifiable resentment. I got to speak about seeing the real unsavory truth about myself as the key to being able to forgive others.

I looked at a man in the meeting and I realized that I saw the boy from my neighborhood who I think stole my kids device. I saw that I must forgive that boy and be helpful to him.

I was interrupted and never got to finish this post - RS, 1-15-09

This morning I thought a lot about forgiveness eve for the most evil of men. I thought about how difficult it was to see and swallow the big chunks of truth about myself and see that I have the capacity for the most unsavory type of depravity. But in seeing this I saw that I was no better than the most evil of men. The insights were very beneficial but I believe that somehow I am being drawn into egoism over this.

Our meeting reading today was on step 11. I felt unprepared to speak about it, but probably heard what God needed me to hear and said what God needed me to say.

This evening the young boy who I suspect of sneaking into our house and stealing my son's electronic game showed up after being away for a month since the day that it went missing. I questioned him about it and didn't learn anything but I still feel resentful about it. I am not sure how to handle it. I believe that God wants me to forgive him. I believe that I must set boundaries but do must so without malice.

Amazing how I can know the capacity for forgiveness but struggle to execute it in the most simple of circumstances. I have to have God's help. God help me to see that this is a sick person, how can I be helpful to him.

There is the answer.

Thanks be to God

This morning I woke up late but got to work early. I had to make a call to skip breakfast. I got to work and there was a big breakfast event.

I was able to make the noon meeting. We read from page 67 - 69. I got to read the paragraphs about the "different angle" and about the power of forgiveness. I shared my analogy about the full swing with forgiveness as the follow through.

I realized afterward that there was more that could be said. I remembered about how my mind always clung to a few, a very minuscule number, .001 percent of people like Jeffrey Dahmer, Hitler, or Charles Manson who were sociopaths or patently evil.

I thought about how the personal inventory got me to look at the truth about myself. I had to list my faults before me and see that I had many of the character defects that I loathed in others. I saw that I had the capacity for violence, bigotry, sexual deviancy, exploitation, oppression, and hate. I was just fortunate that I didn't take these any further than I did.

I was able to swallow the truth about myself when I looked at my faults as shortcomings as a disease of the character than an evil nature. Through this perspective my internal defenses dropped and I became able to admit much more truth than I previously could. This is still ongoing today.

But something else happened that opened up a whole other level of spiritual power and healing. I was guided to view the disease concept as the basis for wrong doings of others just as I did for me. Since then the history of evil men has made a lot more sense to me. There was now and explanation for how good kids could go on to be men who did terrible wrongs. Had my circumstances been different, had I been in the wrong environment at the wrong time, had I been in with the wrong people at certain times of my life, how I had more money, power, influence, my defects could have been nurtured to the extent of evil.

I can look at the evil man and say but for the grace of God there go I.

That doesn't mean that what they did was right or somehow diminished. That doesn't mean that I have to like what they did or rationalize it as something not so bad. That doesn't mean that the deeds of evil men don't demand justice. It just means that I must separate the wrongdoings from the person and I must view the person as a victim of the evil also. I must see the person as another child of God caught up in the potential for evil of this world. Also I must check that the hate, even for an impersonal evil does not fester within me.

The Co-Anons really taught me to differentiate the person from the addict. People of faith taught me to love the sinner even if I hate the sin. AA taught me to treat them like sick people too.

This evening I had to practice a little forgiveness with my wife.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I did breakfast for the kids again. I remembered to make sure not to give them to much sugar before mass. I thought some about the many gifts of Christmas that I received this year. I wasn't thinking about the material gifts but rather of the gifts of new insights on the birth of the Lord. I caught a program about a rather interesting lady who was a news anchor in a major market but had a mid-life crisis and returned to the faith.

We all made it to mass on time and in good spirits. The toddlers misbehaved some but I saw that the practice we have been doing is making a difference.

Our deacon gave the homily and incredibly he spoke about having received many new insights into the Christmas meaning. Many of the things that he spoke about were those that I experienced...
The Star of Bethlehem as a divine luminescence that announced to those who believed that the messiah was coming.
The magi as being symbolic of God being revealed as Lord above of all kingdoms and all faiths.
The manger was a feeding trough symbolic that the Lord is given to feed us.
The consecration of the Lord in the temple and the intuitive recognition of some there that he was the messiah.
The Lord as coming to the world in human form, as a child, in a humble life that we might know how much he loved us.
The baptism of the Lord to show that he was publicly consecrated by the Holy Spirit.
The power of the Lord to heal us from sickness.
The gift of redemption from our sinful lives on earth.
The gift of eternal life in heaven.
The salvation from another mass extinction.

This morning I had to make a decision about whether or not to go to the treatment center meeting after mass. I went back and forth about it but finally decided that it would be selfish and inconsiderate to my wife since I have been to meetings teh past two nights. I also had the intuition that she needed to run important errands. I weighed this with the service that I owe the guys and I recalled that God needs for me to be a mentor for my family in recovery as much as them. I must always consider the balance of what God allots for me and act in accordance with His will.

While she ran her errands, I got to play washers with the oldest neighborhood kid. It was a stiff competition and he beat me twice but I came back to beat him on the last toss of the last game. Afterward I got to take my son and 2 of his friends to the park and practice baseball. Two other kids and their grandfather came to the ball field and joined us. One of the kids was an 8 year old like my son and the other was his 4 year old sister. We had a great little time and did good work. When I came home I was inspired to get out a bucket of balls and play catch with my toddler kids.

This evening my wife had a staff get together for her company. I had to do dinner and care for and bathe the kids.

Thanks be to God for a great and fruitful day.

This Saturday I woke up thinking of a model of the will. I thought about the core of the will being instinct, intellect, and intuition.

instinct - the automatically programmed needs and emotions, sex, survival, fear, etc.
intellect - The thinking, computation, conception, etc.
intuition - The decision making and inexplicable inspiration like art, epiphany, creativity, etc..

I got the kids up and going and handled breakfast for them. I took on a project to make special pancakes for my autistic son. It took a lot longer than I thought and attending to the kids degenerated into a little chaos. By the end of the morning my energy dropped off.

My wife left at mid-morning for a staff retreat and was gone all day until 4:00. At mid-day the kids started getting more and more boisterous and I started having to hand out punishment and correction. I didn't have enough energy to keep up with them. I kept dozing off while they played and got into things and had disagreements with each other. I had to give sentences and timeouts and they didn't cooperate. I finally had to hand out naps. I raised my voice a few times, but refrained from yelling. I gave my oldest son a swat as a last resort. At one point he had mid-nap surrender but I didn't give in and made him take an hour.

Tomorrow I should try and make sure that I stay on top of their behavior and watch out to avoid raising my voice or hand at all.

By afternoon I felt wiped out, I got the dishes done but not much else. I managed to get outside in the late afternoon and do some minor yardwork.

My son and I played washers and we had some memorable fun. There was this one particular moment when he made two ringers. I let him win twice and he had a good experience.

My wife suggested it might be good for me to get out of the house and go to a meeting. She was right, I got to go and have great fellowship and heard inspired thoughts.

Thanks be to God

I think that today God granted me special graces and perseverance at work.

This evening I got to go to the Book Study meeting. We read the personal story "Empty on the Inside". I related to the author where she spoke of being a neglectful parent. I experience that same sense of vacancy when I didn't have enough love to give to my child. I remember feeling like I was sucking the life out of him rather than nurturing him with the love that he needed in such a critical and vulnerable time in his development. I remember being hung over and feeling empty, remorseful, and hopeless. and then holding him tight and getting the only sense of meaning present in my life.

I also related to the author when she spoke of feeling like everyone else had been handed the instructions in life except her. I felt like this even though I did have a good set of life skills. I was good at my jobs, good at academics, good at getting along with people, good at arts, good at sports, good at health and hygiene, a good citizen, etc., etc. But I still felt like everyone else had the instructions to life and I missed it. I couldn't control my emotions, I couldn't keep intimate relationships, I couldn't find meaning in life, I couldn't live up to my potential, I couldn't stop getting high. It was like the life skills wheel I saw at the middle school, there was an empty hole in the middle where God should be.

The Big Book taught me the model of correction of my inner self and how to connect to God at the center. Thus my life skills have become better formed and truly useful. I now have meaning and purpose and love in my life and I can be useful to other people. I am blessed with children that I do not neglect and I no longer feel empty on the inside.