Last night I had a good, restful sleep and I woke up on time this morning.

Today I found a good little job in 12 Step recovery that I applied for... thanks be to God.

Today I went out on a limb and bought a playscape for our meeting place. I had to take a risk and use our money to buy it without knowing for sure that it would be reimbursed. Also it was a lot of work to drive out and begin taking it apart in the heat and not being certain that it would fill the bill. Also my wife was very nervous about the deal and then she was resentful that I was away getting it and made her miss her meeting.

In the end I got a commitment for reimbursement and a nod of approval from some people.

Thanks be to God for opportunities today.

Last night I was so tired that I laid down for a minute before doing my review and I passed out.

This morning I thought I should review yesterday and I started thinking about it. I was well into today when i suddenly remembered that I had a massive using dream last night.

In the dream I was in the past trying to do as big of a shot of dope as I could. Then I would shift into my current reality and panic because I didn't want to be in a relapse. Then I would shift back fully into the dream and be immersed back in the using scenario and lust for the drug. The lines between the two states began to be blurred and I seemed to simultaneously lose hope and then commit to the old obsession.

It was as if I was being attacked psychically by being driven through the feelings of the past and then woken into semi-consciousness in an attempt to propagate the obsession to use.

I realized the affects of diversion from my spiritual disciplines at the subconscious level. I don't feel a great deal of guilt or unhealthy perspective of do or die. But I see that the cumulative affect of these small spiritual deprivations would be grave.

Yesterday we were early getting up and we made it to mass on time. My wife slept in as she was working late the night before so I had to tend to the children. By the time we got home I was exhausted, the house was a wreck, I felt drained and hungry and the kids were all having meltdowns. I couldn't get myself to the meeting at the treatment center.

Over the course of the last 2 days I had kept thinking about amends, the home in turmoil, and the 12th step. This day I finally thought about how the correct application should have been to my relationship with my wife not my parents. I should have connected this to all the empty promises, and failed amends that I made to her. I should have thought of how she had had hope many times only to have her heart trounced by a relapse. I should have connected this to my expectations for her when I got sober and my unwillingness to extend her patience to make her own emotional recovery in due time.

In the evening I cooked us a nice meal.

I was disappointed and a little resentful that my wife was going to her meeting and I couldn't go to mine. I really wanted to attend the group conscience meeting.

I got to watch our team, the Longhorns in the College World Series with my kids, We had a great time and they won.

Today I was late getting up and I vowed to get to bed on time. That is not happening.

Today I read about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I saw many perspectives that made a lot of sense to me. I took a survey of my rational thinking and reviewed the results and found much of it to be in alignment with 12 step modality. I remembered when my psychologist tried to get me to understand it and I couldn't. I thought about how I had to have a spiritual experience to begin the process of open mindedness and psychic change before I could begin to embrace these perspectives.

I was grateful that I do not see these approaches to be at odds as some do. I was grateful to appreciate the concept of a higher power serves to actualize good psychological therapy.

I thought alot over the past couple of days about entry level spirituality. I thought about how apostleates and ministries typically ignore basic questions of the need for spirituality and a deity and jump straight into the case for Christ.

I got to go to a meeting tonight. After the meeting i thought of the concept of a spiritual blackout. An alcoholic blackout is induced by an overdose of alcohol causing the drinker to lose recall or consciousness of events. A spiritual blackout is induced by a grave disconnection to God.

Thanks be to God.

Today the most profound thing I did was to watch the animated parables of the New Testament with my kids on TV. My wife had to go to a long meeting in the morning and I had to watch the kids all day.

I just remembered that I had spiritual dreams last night. I dreamt of a weird forest with a canopy so thick that it seemed like it was underground caverns. I was with my father and he came upon a snake. He was just starting to warn me about it when it jumped up and bit him on the face. I was astounded that it could jump the 6-7 feet distance but then it jumped and bit me on the neck from 20 feet away. Then I started having one of my flying dreams. But this time I was very frightened the higher I got. Usually these dreams are exhilarating but in this case I felt so out of control that I didn't like it. I was also being flung around violently. The last thing I remember was hanging upside down thousands of feet in the air amongst the surreal forest treetops.

It was too hot for us to do anything outside during the afternoon and my wife worked this evening so I was just inside with the kids.

My kids all had good food, a good home, and lots of love today.

Thanks be to God.

Last night at the end of the day we had a bad storm with a possible tornado. I was preoccupied with this and did not write a review.

The first half of the day I felt sluggish and had a headache all morning. I was actually relieved that my symptoms were persistent as it confirmed that I was not just lazy.

It was the 9th anniversary of our marriage. Under the current circumstances my wife and I couldn't do anything special for each other but she arranged for my mom to babysit while we went to a movie. I wasn't very enthusiastic as I found myself despondent about our circumstances. But, the movie proved to be very uplifting as a repetitive theme throughout it was people becoming great in unlikely circumstances.

I shared about this using an experience with my parents that I often refer to. But afterward I was disappointed that this didn't seem to fit quite right.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. The reading was the home in turmoil and the long period of reconstruction ahead. This was something that I had been thinking about all morning. This is what makes the amends process different than all the apologies of the past, that the focus is on true amending not just the superficial apologies of past failed sobriety or self-centered motives.

This morning I woke up on time, in good spirits, and we got off to a good start.
I got to attend my son's magic camp final show.
I got to spend time with my parents.
I got to comment to a blog.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought about amends out of the blue. It occurred to me that amends for the recovered alcoholic are a continuing process. Most of us have made endless apologies and pay backs. But, the amend for the recipient may only be able to take place with continued sobriety.

It was a long day in which I had to watch the kids most of the day. I started one of my home improvement projects today. I realized that I have a lot more patience for these things than I used to. In the past I would have insisted on diving into it and not stopping until it was finished. But now I am willing to do a little at a time.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got to listen to Fr. Barron's homily from last week on Pentecost Sunday. He spoke of the nature and Power of the Holy Spirit.

I had to go on an item pickup today with my wife and kids. It was impulsive and ill-conceived. It was a long drive to another part of town to pick up an item of marginal worth that had to be moved down a very steep spiral staircase. I was resentful at first but I did my best to go along with it and have fun. I told her that I felt like Ricky Ricardo and we got a laugh out of it. We got to drive through a panoramic area of the hill country to an exclusive neighborhood with beautiful homes. The kids were amazed and loved it and we got to meet some nice people. We had a fun experience and it was great to get the kids out of our house.

After the pickup we went to a park at the lake for a picnic lunch. Again, I thought it was impulsive and ill-conceived. It was a long walk to the picnic area and keeping the kids from falling into the lake was like herding cats. But, the whole route was shady and it was an adventure for the kids. I got to see a cove where I fish in an unusually clear water and now I know what the underwater structure looks like. We got to explore a dock and boathouse that have been renovated and opened to visitors. It was an experience that the kids will treasure and so will I.

When we got back I had to drive back across town to pick up my son at the magic camp that I have reservations about. I feel that my wife's decision to enroll him in this was impulsive and ill-conceived. Earlier today my wife spoke about how much my son loves the camp and how much excitement and joy it gives him. When I picked him up I saw his enthusiasm. This was priceless. I am grateful that he gets to have this experience.

When we got back I was exhausted and fell on the bed for a nap. But, I had to get up immediately and go to a swimming trip with the kids that my wife had committed to. I felt that it was impulsive and ill conceived. She tried to reassure me by saying that it would be "relaxing". This made me even more resentful than I already was. When we got there my autistic son surprised us all in his enthusiasm to try and swim. Last year he would only stay in the foot deep water and scream at the mere notion of immersing any more. Today he made enormous strides and tried lots of things like putting his face in the water, dunking with me, kicking practice, and even pretend swimming while I held him up. My youngest daughter also amazed us at how she is such a natural to try and swim. It was a great experience for which I am grateful. The swim was actually very relaxing. I am grateful that I got to share this experience with them.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting, we read about God as a power to restore us to sanity. I talked to my friends about what a great day this was. Tonight in thinking about my resentments today I see that they are always impulsive and ill conceived. I also see that the Power of God helps me to overcome them.

Thanks be to God for this experience.

This morning I got off to a slow start, I felt almost like I had a hangover. At times I felt as though I had been spiritually drained by the lengthy 5th step I did yesterday. I found myself still being resentful about it. I realized that I was not making a thorough enough effort to forgive the guy, give it to God, and leave it in yesterday. I prayed and decided that I was done fighting.

I remembered that I had a long drinking dream last night. I don't remember the details, just that it was long and realistic and hopeless. Thanks be to God that I was protected from the real obsession.

In the first half of this day I felt distracted, worried, and without direction. I made an effort to seek renewal from God and trust that he would solve all my problems and that my worries would pass. By the second half of the day my outlook had shifted considerably. Some things then changed also and I felt like I could enjoy this time of my life.

This evening I took the boys to the meeting clubhouse and we just hung out there while the guys had their meeting. They had a great time running around in a place different than their yard. I was grateful to get out also and be around my friends.

Thanks be to God for this day.