This morning I remember receiving many spiritual insights but I don't remember what they were.

It was a busy day at home and this evening I feel drained both mentally and physically.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I thought about how upset I was last night that my team lost the CWS. I also thought about how I stumbled on the videos of sporting deaths, suicides, and war atrocities. It made me realize how my emotional reactions to some events are disproportionate to the importance of the event. Even when I minimalize them. This helped me to regain some perspective, thanks be to God.

Today I was home all day with the kids. My wife and I talked and tentatively agreed that we should plan on this arrangement for the foreseeable future.

I wasn't able to do anything other than attend to the children today.

In the afternoon I filled up two swimming pools and we all had a blast in the 106 degree heat. There was a sprinkle of rain which gave me hope that the weather will eventually change.

I haven't been able to get to a meeting and I am seriously isolated right now. I am going to have to look hard at how to work within this scenario to resolve this.

I don't recall any major selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, or fear today.

I thought about Michael Jackson's and Farrah Fawcett's deaths this evening. I thought about how most people don't think of either of them as drug addicts, just disordered people. I believe it is because neither one of them dealt with it themselves.

I am grateful today that I am clear about the nature of my disease and that I get to live.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got out of bed at sunrise and went to the club and finished the playscape project. I felt good about myself for getting this done.

I didn't pay close enough attention to the time and I was late getting back to the house even though my wife called to remind me. She was pretty pissed off. This was selfish of me.

I was home the rest of the day until 6:00 pm with my kids and my nephew as my wife had a job. At times I was resentful that my wife took on this sleepover of my 6 year old nephew when she wasn't here. Due to my discomfort with tending children I was less than attentive and short tempered with him at times. When I saw this happening I remembered back when I was a kid and I spent the night at my uncle's house with his family. I remembered my uncle being less than attentive and short tempered and unloving with me. I remembered feeling unwelcome in his home. I don't know if it was real or perceived but I do know that like my nephew I came from a less disciplined and orderly home and was a less disciplined child than his children. I understand him now and I understand my nephew. I tried to amend this selfishness with my nephew but I should have done it sooner.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. I got to bring the topic. I read the paragraph on page 62 about the root of our troubles, selfishness. I read and spoke about how selfishness is at the root of all my unmanageable feelings. I spoke about how unmanageability is related to the first drink. Someone came in late to our meeting and spoke of their troubles and was seeking help with their unmanageable feelings from someone at the church. The person didn't know it was a 12 step meeting. The person drank again after 51 years sober. It was no coincidence.

Lately I have been thinking about what the difference is between the Christian faith and other faiths. The main thing that I see is the redemption of the Cross. Jesus put our redemption above His comfort. When I translate this to my walk of faith it becomes added power to have patience, tolerance, and forgiveness for others. Other faiths are inspired by the spiritual and God and offer much great moral wisdom, but they lack this added power to solve the problem of sin.

Thanks be to God for this day clean and sober.

Today was an awesome Father's Day. We got to mass on time despite waking up late and the kids behaved fairly well. Once again I had to make spiritual communion as I still haven't been to confession. I must make this my top priority.

After the mass I went to the H&I meeting at the treatment center. No one else showed up. I was grateful for the opportunity to talk about what fatherhood was like in addiction and recovery. About what it was like when I was not a very good father as an active addict, what it was like getting sober as a father, and what it's like now to be a real father and spiritual leader for our family.

I am very grateful for the privilege of getting to be a Father today. I remember that Father's Day when I was in treatment. I remember my wife telling me that my son was in the back yard every day calling for me, "Da-Da, Da-Da". Today I got to throw baseballs in the back yard with both of my sons. I got to have a great Father's Day cookout with my parents. My wife and I did not bicker or gripe at each other the entire time. We were all a loving family.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had to make a deliberate effort to stop myself from obsessing over the project of buying, funding, and moving the playscape for our 12 Step clubhouse. My helper didn't come through in the morning and I had to make myself call around for help. One of my friends that I called had another guy call me who I didn't even consider as a possibility. I accepted his help even though I didn't have any confidence in his ability to help me. I couldn't have been more wrong. The guy was eager to help and actually motivated me when my spirits were flagging. The guy had know-how and stick-to-itiveness that made the job 10 times easier. The guy felt like he was making a contribution. The guy was a great friend to spend the afternoon with.

We both got to go to the meeting afterward.

Thanks be to God for friends.

This morning I woke up a little late and desired to get myself an the kids back on an early schedule. I thought about being free from remorse and just enjoying life despite my mistakes. My wife went to work before we woke up so I had babysitting duty by myself.

I got some job apps done today so I have a small sense of accomplishment.
I got to go and see my friend at his shop and make arrangements for moving the playscape for our club.
I got to talk to a friend who recently got a great job after 45 days unemployed and losing his car; It was very uplifting.

I've been thinking lately about the emphasis of "practice" in step 12.
Tonight I got to go to a meeting. Our topic was "patience" from "To Wives" again for the second week in a row on Thursday. Co-Incidentally I had griped impatiently at my wife just before the meeting about asking for my time frame. But it got me thinking about the hyphen in step one. I think I should write about this on the SCS blog.

I thought about the idea of carrying the vision of God's will into all our activities. I thought about how this is like the bracelets that say WWJD? on them. That prayer and meditation prepare us to carry this thought with us cosntantly "what would God have me do?".

Thanks be to God for this day.

Last night I woke up in a panic dream. Later I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I was worried about not being able to sleep all night but I think that I only lost an hour or so. This morning I was late getting out of bed and late getting the girls up. I felt sluggish and lacking initiative all day. At times I sensed myself trending towards low grade depression as I was remorseful for not having the drive that I had yesterday. Add to that that my wife worked all day and again in the evening and I had to take care of the kids all day. I felt like I never got a chance to get going.

Tonight after they all went to sleep I was so tired that I almost went to bed with out this review. Thankfully I prayed and felt re-connected. I also tidied up the house to get a good start tomorrow.

I am grateful that my wife has some good work.
I am grateful that I get to spend time with my children and they tell me they love me.
I am grateful that I did connect with the people that I needed to today even if it was just to tell them I wouldn't make it today.
I am grateful that my son and i threw some baseballs.
I am grateful that I feel like I can be honest about who I am today.

Thanks be to God.