This morning I was resentful that my wife suggested that I would be irritable if I didn't get out of the house. I am grateful that I got out of the house. I am grateful that I got our van diagnosed. I am grateful that I got to fellowship with a friend in the program and I got to meet some good people while helping them get a tough job done. These activities helped me find a sense of initiative, motivation, eagerness, and hope. I realize now just how much my spirits were flagging.

I got to go to a meeting tonight. The topic was finding willingness to believe in God's power and why our old conceptions failed us.

I thought about how I was a pragmatist and believed that material success came from hard work and good fortune alone, I was a pessimist and was put off by the bad things that religious people did, I was a naturalist and believed that the universe could be explained by science and therefore disproved God. I thought about how I needed to believe and was willing to believe but didn't have enough belief to have faith. I thought about how I was informed that I could believe in the fellowship as my higher power, or I could believe in Good Orderly Direction. I thought that the terms higher power and "of my understanding" were just euphemisms for the universal standard conception of God. I remember thinking that I read the steps ahead so I knew this was a trick just to get me to be open minded but eventually they were referring to God.

I remembered reading that something more than human power was needed and that a mere code of morals was not enough which seemed to contradict the conceptions offered.

As this spun around in my head I sensed an idea trying to form. I kept studying the words and I found my answer right there in the step, "... a power greater than myself that would restore me to sanity." I had never had a conception of God that would restore me to sanity. In my pragmatism I had only thought of material miracles but not of psychic ones. Now I was seeing miracles of recovery all around me. I also realized that the wording was not the seemingly euphemistic "higher power" but a "power greater than myself". I was being guided to a conception that emphasized the "power" of God in my present life not just in the afterlife or in relation to all of humanity. This also was something of which I had never conceived.

I realized that I had been relying on a conception from my childhood, the Santa Claus God. The God that I lost faith in when I quit believing in Santa Claus. Before then I believed unconditionally because my parents said so. But when I started forming my own conceptions I never followed through with a working conception of God.

With this insight I was able to move forward in faith. I didn't have to answer all my questions but I just knew there were answers.

It occurs to me now that I was looking only at the bad things religious people did but not the good things. That science was one of those good things that religious people did. It occured to me that there was no doctrine of faith that discredited scientific observation and discovery, that in fact the creation myth said God commanded is to "name" the animals which might just be a primitive way to think of science.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up from a using dream. I was with some friends waiting to go out on the town. I was in the past and the present at the same time. I was with an old friend and I felt obligated to drink with her. I knew I was supposed to be sober but I remembered that I had drank a few times in my sobriety and not told anyone so I rationalized that it was ok. Looking back this has been a repeated theme that I return to in my dreams, that I have years of sobriety but that I have secretly drank a few times without consequence. I believe that this is a glimpse into my subconscious and the hidden desires that continue to run that I am unaware of.

I woke up thinking that this was a minor and not very powerful or vivid drinking dream after all I was not using. But upon writing this I see that it was. I can remember the locations, the conversations, the dialog in my head, the clothes, the eras, the events, and the people. I felt like we had a special, secret, and common experience that we were trying to get to.

As to what a actions and disorder that I might have that triggered this spiritual attack. I can think of three, I told my story the other day, I didn't do a review two nights ago, and I was unwilling to let go of low grade resentments last night.

I got off to a good start today and tried to be understanding and supportive to my wife.

I managed to do some job hunting today.

I was home all day and in the evening degraded into some resentful actions. It was wierd because I wouldn't let my resentments manifest toward my wife but I was showing them. Late in the evening she got resentful to me.

During the afternoon I had a thought that the family life is like firefighting. That I am putting out fires so much that it doesn't give me a chance to have my will, and that is where my resentment comes from. I resolved to accept this role.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Yesterday I got to tell my story at a meeting. I spent my spare time during the day updating it. I was grateful for the eleven guys at the meeting. I was grateful for the pizza that they bought. I was grateful to be able to get though it without having to read.

I told my story this time framed in the insight I received when I saw the county jail shuttle bus. This worked out real good.

I thought a lot today about how to best tell my story. I should make a summary of each section and a long version. I should commit these to memory. I should frame each telling in a variety of insights.

Today I was resentful that my wife doesn't help with the meals like I expect her to.
This evening I was resentful that I was stuck at home all day.
I was resentful that she spent a lot of money on a new camera.
This evening I was resentful that my wife doesn't organize her garage sale junk in my garage.
I should be grateful for all the things that my wife does that I don't do at all like take the kids to the doctor and laundry.
I should be grateful that I have a home to be stuck in on a torrid day.
I should be grateful that my wife makes extra money.
I should be remember that it is only one day.
I should make better plans every day.

Thanks be to God.

Today we all woke up a little late due to the busy holiday yesterday. My wife wasn't up with the kids in time so I just went with the flow and took my oldest son to mass with me alone. We were able to fully participate in the worship.

I got to go to the meeting at the treatment center today. I was the only one there. The attendant asked me to be sure to leave time for the patients to share.

I stopped by my sponsor's house afterward.

Thanks be to God.

At noon today we went to Lockhart, Tx. to eat at Kruetz's Market for my Dad's birthday. He chose 12:30 to meet there. When we got there it was closed. It was warm in the van as the AC is not working right. The kids were hungry because they eat at noon. My Dad decided to go to Luling, Tx. to eat at the City Market. When we got there it was packed and the kids got somewhat unruly. When my Dad made some gripes I thought that the lack of accommodations for small children were obvious when he made the decision to go there. I was resentful for a moment or two but it passed.

Today I was resentful of my wife's attitude several times. I was resentful that she has to react to everything the kids say and do. I realize that my reaction to her is the same as the sin that I am judging her for.

This evening I made a decision to go to our meeting due to a sense of obligation to support it. I wasn't quite sure why I felt compelled to go. My wife was resentful because we were going to a holiday party and she wanted my help getting the kids there. It turned out that there were only four people at the meeting and two of them were young people new in sobriety. I realized that my intuition was right because many of the members of our group were at holiday events and the meeting needed support.

After the meeting I went to the party and had a great time.

This morning we watched the parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector. My son and I sang the song all day. Tonight on the way home from the party my mind drifted into an imaginary discussion about the meaning of this parable. It was as if I were discussing with another alcoholic about the need for our perspective to be that of the admission and removal of character defects first, not just the seeking of virtues because we are prone to play up our virtues and judge other people's sins.

As I write this I realize how I am like the Pharisee. My disordered motives tend to overvalue my virtues and judge others behaviors. Even if I don't consciously do this I do it automatically.

I am grateful that we got to go to Luling and eat the food that I really wanted anyway.
I am grateful that my daughter said this food is the best and I love it.
I am grateful that my oldest son came and joined us in the line and the cook showed him the inside of the smoker.
I am grateful that we got to see several groups of relatives.
I am grateful that my wife understands and supports my meeting attendance.
I am grateful that my wife and I don't bicker and get intensely resentful at each other any more.
I am grateful for the fellowship that we got to enjoy as a family tonight.
I am grateful for this country that we live in.

Thanks be to God.

I thought a lot about my story today. I am worried because it took a long time just to get to my first time in treatment. At that point I felt too exhausted to go any further.

I woke up a little earlier today and started out back closer to schedule but then I fell asleep hard at midday. I was sluggish the rest of the day.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting. The guy that brought the topic talked about his lack of belief when he was first trying to get sober and then how he asked God for help to believe and he had a spiritual experience. Many people shared on this topic and I realized that this was a vital part of my story that I had intended to leave out.

I got to play washers with a friend for his first time in a long time. I showed him how to throw and keep score and I beat him but he wanted to play again. He knocked away my leaner, scored 2 ringers and a leaner himself in the subsequent throws and he had a good time.

I got to go get haircuts with my son today.

I got to talk to a guy who asked if it were ok to call me sponsor.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

Today I woke up very late. Thankfully my wife got up and took care of the kids. I hope to do better tomorrow. It was another rainy and slightly cooler morning for which I am grateful.

I felt directionless at times today again.
My wife griped at me because I didn't like her bringing home junk to sell.
I applied for some jobs today.
I worked on my fence today.
I got the kids out riding their bikes for a while.
I threw some baseballs with my son.

Thanks be to God.