Monday evening my wife asked me to help her with her homework because it was critical for her to pass her test. She had asked me for this earlier in the day but it was impossible to get to between all of our child and home maintenance tasks. This was just as I was about to do my evening review.

As it was I didn't review the night before and I lacked focus in morning prayer because of being sick the past few days. But, I did do a catch up review Monday for Sunday and I thought about keeping the Ends (God) above the means (spiritual tasks) in perspective in my relationship with Him so I went ahead and helped her.

Looking back at this I believe I need to have a talk with her about the importance of these activities and keeping things in perspective. I need to make sure she is still convinced that I must pursue the course of action outlined in the 12 steps. I don't see her doing these activities herself so her actions seem to show that she doesn't hold these in priority for herself.

My wife called me this morning and said that she got a 102 on her test and she thanked me. This just verified what I thought. It wasn't a matter of what she needed (which is to pass) but rather what she wants (which is to score a 100+). So it is with me, I want to have job security, I want to have a degree so I can be authoritative at my job, I want to be the primary breadwinner so I can have a tidy life, I want to be able to give my children all the opportunities possible in all their endeavors. But, God has plans for me that require me to set aside what I think I need. God needs me to accept whatever place I am at in life and make the most of it. God needs me to stay connected to him and to help others do the same above all else. If I do this well then he provides the things that I need.

That being said it is an interesting coincidence that today is the date that she recognizes as her program start date and my sobriety date is later this week.

Yesterday I again felt the depression that comes with being sick. I got to talk to someone about it yesterday and this morning I spoke to a sponsee who had this problem himself yesterday. I explained how this is part of the rhythm of life that trials and low spots are going to come. It occurred to me that I have this idea that if I don't make any problems then I won't have any low spots. I see that this is not so. But, I see these as reasons to keep up my spiritual fitness activities and I see them as opportunities to put them into practice.

Yesterday I kept up the house and meals but I was sleeping much of the day. I did get to speak to 2 sponsees but I wasn't able to make a meeting.

I am grateful that I am in a position to be able to allow my body to recover and still do some spiritual work.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday I woke up with a pretty serious case of rhino virus. I didn't make it to church and I was in bed most of the day. The predominant feeling I had all day was guilt. I recognized that once again that my mind associates down time with using.

I regretted that I didn't get to make a meeting and that my wife had to carry the load and that we didn't to get the kids out of the house. But I am grateful that I get to rest and get better and that my wife was supportive.

I remembered that I had a pretty serious using dream on Friday night.

I got to watch a program that was about Albert Einstein and his failure to complete a General Theory of Everything which would supersede the mutual exclusivity of General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics. The documentary posited the idea that Einstein was stuck in his ideas because he was stuck on looking into the mind of God.

Einstein did not like a theory that included the uncertainty principle and he wanted theory that made anything in the universe predictable by computation thus in his mind showing a design. It doesn't seem to me that this is a requirement for evidence of divine construction so I wondered how his religious views differed from mine.

I looked into his religious beliefs and found that he believed in a God that created everything but didn't concern Himself with the affairs of man. This idea is very familiar to me because it is the view that I held before I surrendered to a more humble and open minded approach. When I look back at this I see that this idea came out of my desire to do whatever I wanted. Here I thought I had a higher thinker's approach but really it was my basic instincts driving desires that were blinding me. Perhaps this is what blinded him.

Today I spent most of the day inside as we had heavy rain all morning and I was home alone with the kids while my wife went to yoga class. We tried to go to our parish fair but it started raining when we got there so we had to leave. My mid afternoon we were stir crazy. The rain let up and we all went again. We had a good little time and I was glad that we got to be a part of our church.

I am coming down with a cold that is making me feel very tired.

I got to go to the meeting for a little while tonight. My son and I went to the fair at the end and helped break down.

Life is good, thanks be to God.

This morning I went to our church and helped set up tents and tables for our parish fair. I had a moment at breakfast where I remembered about the set up and I got reluctant to give up my time and effort. I thought about how I hadn't made a commitment to anyone so I could just not show and no one would care.

It ended up being a great experience of fellowship and constructive recreation. I got to know some people a little better and I felt like a contributor. One of our priests thanked me and I was grateful for the opportunity to serve. I often pray to be ready to serve God and today was one of those times when I was able to do so in a more physical sense.

The best part of the experience was getting to spend some time talking to a guy from Mexico who is having a difficult life but has recently returned to the church and is finding some hope. I tried to encourage him and let him know that I am having the same experience and will include him in my prayers. This afternoon when explaining our blessings to one of my kids I told them about him. This evening when saying prayers with my daughters we prayed for Benjamin.

I spoke to one of the guys I recently started working with and he conveyed to me the blessings that are occurring in his life. I felt bad that I couldn't get together to do his third step today but was grateful that he is getting to go to a convention this weekend with several guys including my sponsor. I realized that it is all going according to God's plan.

This afternoon my son and I took a bike ride with his friends. All went well until my son didn't like one of my directions and decided to ride off by himself. It was odd to just let him go. Then when I got home with the other boys my son (still on his bike) refused to go inside. It again felt odd not to fly into anger or pleading but just repeat my directions and inform him of consequences. When he finally did come in he repeatedly did not follow directions and ignored his punishment.

At this point I did get a little angry but again felt odd. I felt like I wasn't sure if I should be giving him punishment because I wasn't sure he did anything so wrong. I guess I am so dependent upon gauging the severity of misbehavior by how mad I got.

It was really hard to hear the desperation in his cries as his consequences mounted up on him. But, I had to persevere and know that it was in his best interest and I do it out of love. I had a good talk with him afterward and got the opportunity to share this with him. Later the TV was on and the parenting expert whose methods I am employing was on a rare appearance. I received affirmation.

Thanks be to God for this day.

I was thinking about meditation this morning. I was asked what it means the other night and I responded that it means focused thinking and planning about spiritual matters as well as as a psychic fitness activity. I thought about how I often blog my thoughts about spiritual matters. I realized that I should do this a little more deliberately and teach it that way. It should be based on either a daily devotional and include a focus on corrective measures.

This morning the readings from the mass were about practicing forgiveness. The Gospel reading was the "turn the other cheek" account. This morning I remembered almost every time to resist griping at anyone and to simply stick to the disciplinary plan of cause and effect consequences.

I got to do step work again with someone today.
I got to spend lunch with my two middle children today at their lunch with dad event.


In the afternoon I forgot to pick up my daughter. I was deeply embarrassed when the program director called me and I was afraid they would think I was deeply irresponsible or negligent. When I got there they were very understanding and we had a good laugh and talked. But, there was this moment when I was standing in the office and I felt the old fear of whether they would smell pot, or alcohol, or otherwise sense that I was up to no good. I was grateful to have a clear conscience today and be able to look people in the eye.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting. The topic was how one addict working with another is the means by which one actualizes faith. I thought about how I became aware of the true nature of my addiction insanity when I first started going to twelve step meetings. I realized that I felt the effect of drugs more powerfully, that I obsessed over them to the extent that it affected my judgement gravely. So much so that I was living an astonishingly disordered life. Somehow these people had been able to get through to me where so many others had not been able to. I realized that many people had told me the same thing but I just never had been able to hear it from them. Even though I didn't forget or even consciously dismiss what they said, I just couldn't comprehend it effectively enough to seek recovery.

When I heard it from the people in meetings it occured to me that I had know what they were saying about the disease concept all along. But, while I KNEW it I couldn't GET it. Somehow these people had connected to something within me. They had touched that intuitive part of the consciousness within me that is the place where inspiration occurs, that sort of chakra or thought center that is the mind's eye. Thus I became willing to seek recovery with the necessary open mindedness.

I believe they had made a spiritual connection with me. That is why I need to continue to work with others because it is the means by which I get to tap in to and be a conduit for the spiritual power source.

We had a nice rainy cool day again.

Thanks be to God.

I am grateful for rain and a cooler day. I unexpectedly got to work a first step with someone today. It was eye opening to be taken back to powerlessness.

I read about chakras today and particularly about the third eye. I am thinking about the the mind's eye. The guy I was working with has been reading the AA Big Book and remarked about how much things he has read before seem different. He said the same happens with the bible. He asked why? I think it is spiritual illumination, filiosis, connection to God that opens the mind's eye, the eye of the spirit.

Today I thought about how many times I have fear and have to turn to God to relieve them. I felt an awareness of just how much I was driven by fear.

I got to go on a bike ride this evening with my son. There was a moment when the sun was setting and we were riding fast down a long drive and into an open space in the park and I felt like it was the image of a recovered life.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I ran an errand to the Parks and Rec office near Lady Bird Lake. I took a walk on the trail and over to the ball fields where I played when I was a boy. It felt like I was back their in that time, it was a great spiritual recharge. I got to fix my bike and take a ride around 10:00 am.

Today I had another sort of "on" day in my latest series of on again off again days. I just went from one task to the next felt like I was accomplishing things all day. I got started fixing the fence. I am grateful to my wife for getting me started with a honey-do first thing.

I got to spend focused time with my youngest daughter in the shade trees this morning. I got to throw footballs with my oldest son and his pals.

Today I thought about the meeting the other night in which I was disappointed that I did not speak. I realized that it gave me a chance to listen and learn because it kept me thinking about the topic of fear of surrender. I thought about the reading on fear in which it says that all men of faith have courage. I thought about how it also states that we never be afraid to talk about faith. I wondered if this was a place where the writer got sidetracked to a similar idea. I know it has been my experience that it takes a lot of strength, initiative, and will power to set aside my will and surrender to God's will.

In the evening I got to do step work with a guy and go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God.