Last night I had a bad dream when I first fell asleep. There were steps scurrying around my bed, distant voices that faded in and out, and ripples in my bed. The voices were at times individual trying to seduce me and making demands just behind my head and in my ear. They were sometimes speaking to each other, some were frantic and incessant, others were howling and laughing. It was as if there were a battle going on all around me. Some of the voices were commanding the others. Some were threatening them. Some were frightened.

I woke up afraid and had to pray fervently that the angels, saints, and Holy Mother intercede on my behalf to bring the power of the Holy Spirit.

It was a normal, busy day of home maintenance and shuttling the kids to school and back. I did breakfast and house work in the morning before school and then mowed the lawn at mid-day. At times I was impatient with my daughter who is home recovering from surgery.

I was spiritually resilient and inspired in the morning but became weary in the afternoon.

At noon I took my daughter to a special lunch treat at sonic. I had a burger and she had a shake. I was remorseful about spending money but I had to let it go and allow God to take me and my daughter out for quality time together and amends.

There was a point this afternoon when I became weary and impatient with all the kids. I had to take them all with me to my son's speech therapy and sit for an hour in the waiting room. They were especially unruly. God helped me to recover and endure and to appreciate that my son gets good therapy.

Tonight I got to work with a sponsee.

Thanks be to God.

When I was trying to wake up this morning my mind started to review the baseball game yesterday, the sponsees I need to work with, the home maintenance I need to do, spiritual polemics, etc. I had to bring this to a screeching halt and focus on turning my thoughts to God.

We were late getting up and my wife was not feeling well so only the boys and I went to mass. On the way out the door I bickered with my wife about clutter. I felt stupid for giving in to anger right before I was going to see the Lord. I felt like a hypocrite for griping at her. I had to ask God for help not to be resentful. I think I was already irritable because I had to do breakfast by myself.

The boys were well behaved and I was proud of them when they went to the children's liturgy.

Afterward I got to go to the meeting at the treatment center. The topic was slowing down and putting first things first.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday morning my son had his first fall baseball game. When we arrived the other coaches weren't there yet but some of the parents and kids were. I saw an opportunity to be helpful and get the boys started but suddenly realized that my son didn't have the belt for his uniform when I saw one of the other boys acquire and loan a belt to another. I had to make a quick decision to run home and get the belt. On the way out I saw that one boy didn't have pants and a belt so inspired by the kid that loaned a belt to the other I brought the pants and sure enough the boy needed them.

I was a little hesitant as to what extent I should help out. I didn't want to step on the toes of the guys who have made a legitimate commitment. Considering that these boys are mostly new and that we only had 2 practices with no pitching and weren't prepared for the base stealing the boys did pretty darn good. I am especially grateful for the coaches that we have because they are very knowledgeable and effective communicators. I was also grateful for my mom for watching the children.

In the afternoon my wife had to work so I stayed home with the kids. I got to visit with my parents in the afternoon.

In the evening it got very busy but I had a great time watching a football game with the kids.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday we had baseball practice and were late getting to bed and I didn't get to do a review. I had a lot to write about but was so busy today that I never was able to get to it.

Today was my birthday and my sobriety anniversary. I am grateful for all the great things God has done for me in my life.

This evening my son had baseball practice and I my wife was a little let getting home so I had to eat dinner after practice. This made for a late evening so I am only writing a brief review though I have a lot to write about.

The most profound part of this day was the scripture readings in the mass. The first reading from Timothy was encouragement to carry the religious teaching of Jesus Christ and of how anyone carrying a different message is conceited and understands nothing and about how they presume religion to be about material gain. It also talked about placing my contentment in the gain of the spirit rather than the material. The last paragraph is an exultation to pursue the life of virtue and to compete well for the faith. Finally ending by referring back to the time when we first gave testimony in the presence of others.

The Psalm was "Blessed the poor in spirit; the Kingdom of heaven is theirs!". This to me eluded back to that original admission of powerlessness and the gain of contentment from faith.

Lastly the Gospel reading was among the shortest I've ever seen. It simply states that Jesus went from town to town preaching with the 12 and that some women who had been cured of various infirmities and vices went with them. The way that this spoke to me was in reference to carrying the message in the 12 step fellowship and of also taking the message of my deliverance from my other defects of character with me.

I had a great day with my family and my wife and fellows.

Thanks be to God for 6 years of sobriety and a Spiritual Awakening!

Today I felt considerably better for the first half of the day. In the morning a friend called and we talked about our spiritual reflection for the day. In doing so I admitted more effectively that I had been resentful at the guys I talk to for keeping me too preoccupied with intensive work with others(the grunt work) and for my wife for interfering with my reflective spiritual work (the escapist type). I recalled the Gospel reading from this Sunday that stated that faith with without works was dead but paradoxically that works without faith would not lead to salvation.

I find it very synchronous that the Gospel would remind me that faith without works is dead in the week of my sobriety birthday. I suppose this is a reminder that the behind the scenes work with others is critical for my spiritual awakening to remain vital. I believe that the message about works without faith is that I should not place the spiritual work that pleases me ahead of my responsibilities to others. For me this means what Fr. Barry said 2 weeks ago that I must not confuse my worship with the means rather than the end. That I must not overvalue the work so much that I hold it in higher worth than the ends which is God's will.

Today I asserted my will over my wife to go to a meeting in the afternoon. I was strangely unable to focus my thoughts into a concise share on a familiar topic. Tonight I had to turn down a highly visible speaking engagement and was resentful to my wife for not supporting me in this. Now I realize that I have been able to make that fellowship connection and personal inventory through the time I spend talking to others. But, I like sharing at meetings, blogging my inventory, and speaking engagements because they feed my ego. God needs me to do the work He determines which is to work individually with addicts and to be a good father and husband.

I feel at peace now.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up very sick again but I took a deep nap and woke up re-invigorated.

I got to talk to several sponsees today and they helped me achieve conscious contact and to be grateful. As I talked one guy through a relationship issue it resonated with me with my wife.

Last night I watched a program about soldiers returning from the war and problems with addiction. This is going to be a big task in the 12 step fellowships.

Thanks be to God for this day.