Last night my wife asked me to help her study at the time I was trying to do my evening review so I am reviewing yesterday the 12th on today the morning of the 13th.
Yesterday morning I went to the big AA club in my area for a meeting at 10:30. When I was there waiting for the meeting to start a lady asked me to step up and chair. I was grateful for the confidence to do it. As the meeting got underway I felt a little nervous so I asked God for help.
As the meeting transpired I felt something that I have felt there recently as I have been attending meetings there alot lately. That is that the people there are crazy. There are some regulars and spot attendees who like to talk in an antagonistic tone about there pet peeves in AA. They typically don't stick to the topic. They address things that other people mentioned in their share and then exaggerate it and give a rebuttal. They go on these boisterous rants that are hard to follow and leave you wondering what the heck they were talking about. They all seem to think that they have AA right and others have it wrong.
I can see why so many people don't want to go to those meetings. The weirdest thing though is that it feels like a spiritual assault. I feel as though they are all trying to get others including myself shook up. One morning I started talking to a guy about some spiritual stuff, then another chimed in, then another. They all seemed like they were trying to convince me about something, they all ranted they all seemed at various times to be fighting each other.
The really weird thing is that they all share some spiritual truths then just when you start to feel comfortable they drop a foul bomb of self centered discord. I get the creepy feeling that there are demonic entities working to wreak havoc through these individuals.
A guy asked me to sponsor him after the meeting.
It was a busy afternoon doing all the kid pickups and then I had to take my son to his speech therapy with brothers and sisters in tow. I got irritated at my wife because she chose to go take a test and study rather than watch the brothers and sister. The waiting room with the three kids was stressful but I thought of all the people that I know that don't have the opportunities to be with their children like I do and I became grateful and got over my self-centeredness.
We had a nice albeit late dinner and the evening went by quickly.
Thanks be to God.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
This morning at 4:00 am I woke up with an upset stomach. I started thinking about my recent meetings. Then I remembered that at some time during the day on Saturday or Friday I had a thought of a sex act and using coke. When I had this random thought (as I occasionally do) I didn't experience that abrupt halt that usually automatically happens and the prayer followed by willingness to turn away from any further thoughts. What happened was that I had the desire to pursue the thought and play the using thought through. I entered a using fantasy and wanted to remember what it felt like. I was pulled into the thought for about 5 minutes. I did reluctantly exercise my will to pray and the thought was exercised shortly thereafter and then again later when it tried to crop up again.
What became apparent to me this morning was that some deep seated part of my inner self had willfully minimized and dismissed the thought and I never inventoried it or told anyone. I also just realized that I have been minimizing talking to my sponsor.
What became apparent to me this morning was that some deep seated part of my inner self had willfully minimized and dismissed the thought and I never inventoried it or told anyone. I also just realized that I have been minimizing talking to my sponsor.
Last night my wife wanted to spend time together at the end of the evening when I was trying to do my review so this is a review of yesterday, Sunday (it is 5:00 am Monday).
Yesterday morning I found the initiative to get all 4 kids dressed and take them to the 9:00 am mass by myself. I knew that my wife was going to a job at 12:00 noon so we had planned to all go at 9:00 am. When she didn't wake up (because she was up doing homework until 2:00 am)I resolved to at least take the boys myself. But, then I went ahead and got the oldest girl dressed and then the youngest so I incrementally got up the willingness to try and take them all.
It went very well with only a few short, uncomfortable burst of bawling from my youngest when we first arrived and some normal level messing around by the middle children during mass. But all in all I got to have a great worship and communion all things considered. Our readings were about the rich young man (who kept the commandments all his life) who asked what it would take to enter the kingdom of heaven and Jesus told him his one obstacle would be to leave all he owned and follow Him. I noted that the responsorial psalm was "blessed are the poor of spirit". I thought about how this might mean that the downgtrodden don't have worldly attachments to deter them.
I was grateful that I never felt resentful while managing the kids for mass.
In the afternoon I found the initiative to do a lot of housework, cleaning, and kid maintenance. Even through a football game. in the afternoon I turned off the TV and we had a nice stew dinner in a clean house on a cool day.
When my wife came home I sort of insisted that I go to a meeting even though I had been last night. Our topic was the reading "selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles". I thought about how I always thought this was only the religious view of the cause of my using problem and that the real psychological cause would be revealed in the inventory process to be much more complex than that. I thought about how i never liked the repeated self-bashing that seemed to be prevalent in the text.
I thought about how recently I had an epiphany of how the program had given me a new paradigm, of how when I tried to codify this I concluded that every time I have a problem that self is the first place I need to look for the solution. That all my disturbances arise from self regardless of what the cause is. They arrive from some form of mis-directed instinct in my inner self. The reading lists some of these forms of self shortly after the initial sentence but I initially attached these to fear and I had not reached that point of the inventory which showed me how fear drove my mis-directed instinct yet when I formed my initial conception.
I was grateful to get to go to the meeting.
Thanks be to God.
Yesterday morning I found the initiative to get all 4 kids dressed and take them to the 9:00 am mass by myself. I knew that my wife was going to a job at 12:00 noon so we had planned to all go at 9:00 am. When she didn't wake up (because she was up doing homework until 2:00 am)I resolved to at least take the boys myself. But, then I went ahead and got the oldest girl dressed and then the youngest so I incrementally got up the willingness to try and take them all.
It went very well with only a few short, uncomfortable burst of bawling from my youngest when we first arrived and some normal level messing around by the middle children during mass. But all in all I got to have a great worship and communion all things considered. Our readings were about the rich young man (who kept the commandments all his life) who asked what it would take to enter the kingdom of heaven and Jesus told him his one obstacle would be to leave all he owned and follow Him. I noted that the responsorial psalm was "blessed are the poor of spirit". I thought about how this might mean that the downgtrodden don't have worldly attachments to deter them.
I was grateful that I never felt resentful while managing the kids for mass.
In the afternoon I found the initiative to do a lot of housework, cleaning, and kid maintenance. Even through a football game. in the afternoon I turned off the TV and we had a nice stew dinner in a clean house on a cool day.
When my wife came home I sort of insisted that I go to a meeting even though I had been last night. Our topic was the reading "selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles". I thought about how I always thought this was only the religious view of the cause of my using problem and that the real psychological cause would be revealed in the inventory process to be much more complex than that. I thought about how i never liked the repeated self-bashing that seemed to be prevalent in the text.
I thought about how recently I had an epiphany of how the program had given me a new paradigm, of how when I tried to codify this I concluded that every time I have a problem that self is the first place I need to look for the solution. That all my disturbances arise from self regardless of what the cause is. They arrive from some form of mis-directed instinct in my inner self. The reading lists some of these forms of self shortly after the initial sentence but I initially attached these to fear and I had not reached that point of the inventory which showed me how fear drove my mis-directed instinct yet when I formed my initial conception.
I was grateful to get to go to the meeting.
Thanks be to God.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Today I felt disconnected all morning. I didn't get to sleep until late last night and I had a very hard time waking up and getting through my prayers this morning. Then I kept needing to rest and I felt very unproductive. My wife went to class and was away until 3:30 in the afternoon when I was sch3eduled to do step work with a guy. I was resentful because she was reluctant to come home at this time. I was resentful because I felt like this situation robbed me of my initiative when I found myself feeling aimless and disconnected after attending to the children all day.
Nevertheless, throughout the day I resisted these feelings each time they cropped up. I asked God to remove them, to take away my blaming, and to keep and open mind about my attitude and outlook on life. I tried to remember that "this too shall pass".
In the evening my wife came home but the guy I was supposed to meet with canceled so I felt that the right thing to do was to continue to help my wife with kids. I found myself getting resentful when she was taking a nap while I fed the kids but I resisted. I was grateful for the pot of stew that she started in the morning before she left.
After dinner my son had a party for his friend around the block. My wife intended to take all the kids by herself while I was supposed to be working with the sponsee. But since he canceled I could have had some free time. I felt compelled to attend the party even though I didn't feel well or want to.
At the party I enjoyed seeing my kids have fun and have lots of friends. We learned that the boy's father is my 1st cousin once removed so the boys are cousins also. I had heard earlier in the day about a family reunion and I didn't want to go but this changed my attitude. In fact the whole experience at the party changed my attitude and outlook about a lot of things. Or maybe my attitude and outlook just changed by God's grace.
I went to the meeting with this renewed attitude and outlook on life. Interestingly these thongs were the topic of the meeting. I wrote about it in my other blog.
I close this day looking forward to tomorrow with a new attitude and outlook on life.
Thanks be to God.
Nevertheless, throughout the day I resisted these feelings each time they cropped up. I asked God to remove them, to take away my blaming, and to keep and open mind about my attitude and outlook on life. I tried to remember that "this too shall pass".
In the evening my wife came home but the guy I was supposed to meet with canceled so I felt that the right thing to do was to continue to help my wife with kids. I found myself getting resentful when she was taking a nap while I fed the kids but I resisted. I was grateful for the pot of stew that she started in the morning before she left.
After dinner my son had a party for his friend around the block. My wife intended to take all the kids by herself while I was supposed to be working with the sponsee. But since he canceled I could have had some free time. I felt compelled to attend the party even though I didn't feel well or want to.
At the party I enjoyed seeing my kids have fun and have lots of friends. We learned that the boy's father is my 1st cousin once removed so the boys are cousins also. I had heard earlier in the day about a family reunion and I didn't want to go but this changed my attitude. In fact the whole experience at the party changed my attitude and outlook about a lot of things. Or maybe my attitude and outlook just changed by God's grace.
I went to the meeting with this renewed attitude and outlook on life. Interestingly these thongs were the topic of the meeting. I wrote about it in my other blog.
I close this day looking forward to tomorrow with a new attitude and outlook on life.
Thanks be to God.
Friday, October 9, 2009
This morning I remembered where my thoughts about faith and reason were taking me the other day.
The most common objection to faith is that it is without reason. The case for faith says that faith fills in the gaps where reason does not completely answer. In ancient time there was little knowledge about the workings of the natural realm. Therefore faith tended to be centered around affecting the natural world and meeting the material needs of man. As time passed, the spiritual benefits of faith were discovered and grew. So faith eventually had a three fold makeup, explaining the natural world, meeting the needs of man, and providing spiritual fulfillment. Through the progress of scientific understanding and technological advancement, the emphasis on supernatural explanation of the natural world and provision of man's material needs has decreased. Conversely the emphasis on spiritual fulfillment has increased.
This presents a dilemma of faith because we live by such a naturalistic and material world view that we have become trained to lean too heavily on these realms in which we see little reason for faith. But given a life crisis (or humility) by which we become willing to consider the spiritual. Given due consideration the spiritual connection becomes inherently resonant within us.
Today my youngest daughter did not have school so I was home with her. It was a rainy, stormy morning and we didn't have any errands to run so we were stuck inside.
In the afternoon my wife stayed at school studying until after dinner. As the day wore on I began to have simmering resentment. I was angry because I had been stuck at home all day and she had a meeting tonight.
There were a lot of little things that I would start to get irritated about and had to resist being angry about. I had to stop and allow the children to live and make mistakes many times today. I had to stop and pray for God to save me from being angry.
The show "Watching the Goal" came on tonight and it was about being angry. They talked about natural anger and when anger becomes sin. I agreed with a lot of what they said but I didn't agree that there is some anger that is ok and motivational especially for social change. I am grateful for the understanding that anger is a poison for me no matter what the cause. Also that anger is really a fear at some level and that it is basic instinct that blinds me.
While my wife was at her meeting my younger son was playing with a toilet roll holder and half of it and the spring fell in the toilet. I fished it out with tongs and flushed the toilet but it fell out of the tongs and flushed down the drain. I got angry and had to pray - God save me from being angry, Thy will not mine be done.
Then when the kids were finishing their fruits before bed I sat down for my review. The kids finished and the young ones started playing running back and forth. I was about to get up and put them to bed when I heard one of them slam into a door. My daughter came stammering to my room bawling and then look at me and her eyes rolled back and she fell flat on her back and hit the back of her head.
I called my wife and was so angry that I just yelled at her to come home and I hung up. I was angry without just cause, I was angry just 'cause.
As I write this I remember that she had to take all three kids to the doctor by herself this morning and she did not lose her cool. I got to stay home and take a deep nap. During a small amount of free time today I stained a picnic table instead of doing something that could have made this day go smoother. I did do a good job of catching up on a lot of cleaning that was needed so I was completely out of order.
All in all I have a lot to be grateful for, I am letting my selfishness get the better of me in making demands that I need "me" time. I need to make amends to my wife.
I spoke briefly to a sponsee who checked in with me. I got to talk to a person in the neighborhood who is going through a lot of family turmoil.
Thanks be to God for this day.
The most common objection to faith is that it is without reason. The case for faith says that faith fills in the gaps where reason does not completely answer. In ancient time there was little knowledge about the workings of the natural realm. Therefore faith tended to be centered around affecting the natural world and meeting the material needs of man. As time passed, the spiritual benefits of faith were discovered and grew. So faith eventually had a three fold makeup, explaining the natural world, meeting the needs of man, and providing spiritual fulfillment. Through the progress of scientific understanding and technological advancement, the emphasis on supernatural explanation of the natural world and provision of man's material needs has decreased. Conversely the emphasis on spiritual fulfillment has increased.
This presents a dilemma of faith because we live by such a naturalistic and material world view that we have become trained to lean too heavily on these realms in which we see little reason for faith. But given a life crisis (or humility) by which we become willing to consider the spiritual. Given due consideration the spiritual connection becomes inherently resonant within us.
Today my youngest daughter did not have school so I was home with her. It was a rainy, stormy morning and we didn't have any errands to run so we were stuck inside.
In the afternoon my wife stayed at school studying until after dinner. As the day wore on I began to have simmering resentment. I was angry because I had been stuck at home all day and she had a meeting tonight.
There were a lot of little things that I would start to get irritated about and had to resist being angry about. I had to stop and allow the children to live and make mistakes many times today. I had to stop and pray for God to save me from being angry.
The show "Watching the Goal" came on tonight and it was about being angry. They talked about natural anger and when anger becomes sin. I agreed with a lot of what they said but I didn't agree that there is some anger that is ok and motivational especially for social change. I am grateful for the understanding that anger is a poison for me no matter what the cause. Also that anger is really a fear at some level and that it is basic instinct that blinds me.
While my wife was at her meeting my younger son was playing with a toilet roll holder and half of it and the spring fell in the toilet. I fished it out with tongs and flushed the toilet but it fell out of the tongs and flushed down the drain. I got angry and had to pray - God save me from being angry, Thy will not mine be done.
Then when the kids were finishing their fruits before bed I sat down for my review. The kids finished and the young ones started playing running back and forth. I was about to get up and put them to bed when I heard one of them slam into a door. My daughter came stammering to my room bawling and then look at me and her eyes rolled back and she fell flat on her back and hit the back of her head.
I called my wife and was so angry that I just yelled at her to come home and I hung up. I was angry without just cause, I was angry just 'cause.
As I write this I remember that she had to take all three kids to the doctor by herself this morning and she did not lose her cool. I got to stay home and take a deep nap. During a small amount of free time today I stained a picnic table instead of doing something that could have made this day go smoother. I did do a good job of catching up on a lot of cleaning that was needed so I was completely out of order.
All in all I have a lot to be grateful for, I am letting my selfishness get the better of me in making demands that I need "me" time. I need to make amends to my wife.
I spoke briefly to a sponsee who checked in with me. I got to talk to a person in the neighborhood who is going through a lot of family turmoil.
Thanks be to God for this day.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
This morning I was slow getting going but felt a little better than last night. I was able to help with the kids but I was somewhat lethargic and groggy and I didn't help as well with some things that made my wife angry. I had a moment of resentment - protect me Lord from all anxiety.
When my wife came home she was civil and we ignored any ill will.
I ran some errands and thought a lot about things related to faith and reason but I can't remember exactly what they are now. I wanted to write my thoughts down and I regret that I can't remember but I am seeing that they usually come back to me on another day so I will trust that God will help me with this - Thanks be to God.
I went to a morning meeting, we talked about continuing to take personal inventory with an emphasis on promptly admitting when we were wrong. I lot of people talked about a lot of stuff some of it somewhat related to the topic some not so much. I was grateful for the opportunity to have some experience with this to share, even though it is repetitive - Thanks be to God.
This evening I got to do some baseball practice with my son and his neighbor friend at the park. I was grateful to get this in as our team practice tomorrow will likely be rained out - Thanks be to God.
When my wife came home she was civil and we ignored any ill will.
I ran some errands and thought a lot about things related to faith and reason but I can't remember exactly what they are now. I wanted to write my thoughts down and I regret that I can't remember but I am seeing that they usually come back to me on another day so I will trust that God will help me with this - Thanks be to God.
I went to a morning meeting, we talked about continuing to take personal inventory with an emphasis on promptly admitting when we were wrong. I lot of people talked about a lot of stuff some of it somewhat related to the topic some not so much. I was grateful for the opportunity to have some experience with this to share, even though it is repetitive - Thanks be to God.
This evening I got to do some baseball practice with my son and his neighbor friend at the park. I was grateful to get this in as our team practice tomorrow will likely be rained out - Thanks be to God.
Last night at 8:30 after the kids all had their baths I was exhausted and had to lay down for a moment. My wife came in and handled things from there on out. I heard her griping about things and felt resentful and remorseful that I was not up and about. I never got back up except to take cold medicine and I did my evening review in my head - Protect me Lord from all anxiety.
It had been a busy day. I woke up early and got the kids going with a hot breakfast - Thanks be to God.
I had a hard time going to sleep the previous night because I had a severe coughing fit and congestion. I slept fitfully but in the morning I woke up in much better shape - Thanks be to God.
At mid morning I got to listen to some more of the D'Souza vs. atheist debates - Thanks be to God.
Afterwards I went and ran some errands during which time I thought about how religion evolved from man needing to pray for his material needs to man praying for spiritual needs. This is reflected in the Gospel where Jesus teaches man this new model of faith. I read about supercessionism. - Thanks be to God.
In the afternoon my wife decided to go to the library and study. This meant that I had to handle mealtime and then load all the kids shuttle him to class and unload him and then do it all over again to pick him up then bathe them all. By this time of the day my energy ran out and so did my patience. I think I might have griped at the kids but I don't recall clearly. I was resentful at my wife, but what I failed to consider is that I also did some yardwork that I could have postponed - Protect me Lord from all anxiety.
Deliver me, Lord, from every evil and grant me peace in my day. In your mercy, keep me free from sin, and protect me from all anxiety.
Thanks be to God.
It had been a busy day. I woke up early and got the kids going with a hot breakfast - Thanks be to God.
I had a hard time going to sleep the previous night because I had a severe coughing fit and congestion. I slept fitfully but in the morning I woke up in much better shape - Thanks be to God.
At mid morning I got to listen to some more of the D'Souza vs. atheist debates - Thanks be to God.
Afterwards I went and ran some errands during which time I thought about how religion evolved from man needing to pray for his material needs to man praying for spiritual needs. This is reflected in the Gospel where Jesus teaches man this new model of faith. I read about supercessionism. - Thanks be to God.
In the afternoon my wife decided to go to the library and study. This meant that I had to handle mealtime and then load all the kids shuttle him to class and unload him and then do it all over again to pick him up then bathe them all. By this time of the day my energy ran out and so did my patience. I think I might have griped at the kids but I don't recall clearly. I was resentful at my wife, but what I failed to consider is that I also did some yardwork that I could have postponed - Protect me Lord from all anxiety.
Deliver me, Lord, from every evil and grant me peace in my day. In your mercy, keep me free from sin, and protect me from all anxiety.
Thanks be to God.