Today was a wonderful day for which I am grateful.

My son and I got off to an early start for his last game of the fall season. It was a great time, he made some good plays, and I was proudest of his effort and focus. I was grateful for the efforts of his coaches and for getting to know a great group of boys and parents. But most of all I cherish the time I got to spend with my son before, and my dad after the game.

This morning I had to make a decision about my son's birthday party and be assertive about this with my wife. She did not like this and unloaded on me with some opinions about the inequity of the volume of responsibilities she must manage and the leisurely pace that I get to live by. I hard to forcefully resist the desire to retaliate. The thing that makes it especially difficult is that I have gotten a lot better about managing my feelings in disagreements and I am much more effective at arguing my case. And I feel that I have a strong case in this case. Namely that the volume she is managing is by the choices she has made which I disagreed with when she took them on. I knew the time would come when she would lose sight of this and she would lay this on me. But I had to stick to principle and resist fighting. I thought quickly about how the argument was not worth it. I thought about Christ on the cross and picking up my own cross. I had to try hard to be long tempered and now I must resist judging and forgive the real or perhaps perceived wrong.

Lately I have been thinking and experiencing the untenable volume of tasks that my wife is trying to manage in addition to the responsibilities that come to a mother of four small children. I predict her descending into too much stress and anxiety that could have unexpected consequences for her and for our family. I pray that this is just my mind exaggerating this based on my fears. I have been trying to resist making judgments about this situation because of the high likelihood that I cannot be objective. But now I am seeing warning signs in addition to an example of someone in a similar situation as her who has already descended into internal chaos. Tonight at a social event I saw her smoke a cigarette which took me completely by surprise. Not only did I realize that it is completely unacceptable for anyone in our family to smoke. But more importantly I worry that this is a sign of increasing neurosis.

There I've said it and I need to let it go.

Early in the afternoon my wife took the kids to do trick or treat with my nephew in his neighborhood. I thought about going but it just seemed too long to go from three in the afternoon to eight or so at night. But I sensed my wife's resentment and unwillingness to discuss it, so I took her presumption and accepted the option not to attend. I also knew this would afford me the opportunity to attend a meeting which these days is not a high priority for her and I felt it was the right thing to do despite her grumblings. This is another thing that I have noticed about her lately is her seeming acceptance to live with a good deal of resentment and just allow it to fade from active memory rather than truly process it or resist.
I was grateful that I got to go to a meeting tonight and I felt that the events, subject matter, low attendance, and the need for my contribution, all affirmed my decision.

I know that I am putting too much thought and energy into thinking about the thoughts and actions of my wife. I believe this is one of the hazards of intimate relationships that I fall into too much dependence upon expectations about her conduct. I pray for God to deliver me from any self-righteousness, or self-justification, or over-reaction. I thank God for giving me a model of marriage which does not depend on my expectations for the behaviors of my spouse but rather on God's plan and grace for us both.

Despite my concerns I got to see several things to be grateful for her today.

I was grateful that she is organizing a party for my son.
I was grateful that she handled the babysitting arrangements with my mom during the baseball game.
I was grateful that she has a relationship with my nephew and sister-in-law.
I was grateful that she brought all the kids to the party after my meeting tonight.
I was grateful that she was beautiful to me at the party.
I was grateful for her contribution to the family members seeking continued recovery.
I was grateful to see my children play and dance with the other kids at the party.
I was grateful that I got to dance and play games with my kids and friends.
I was grateful that my wife took my son to his buddy's party and talked to his mother tonight.

My kid's said this was the best Halloween ever.
I had really great prayer time with them tonight, we thanked God for the day and we talked about All Saint's Day tomorrow.

I am truly blessed.
Thanks be to you Lord Jesus Christ.

Today was a low energy day. It seems that I am in an every other day cycle right now. Yesterday was a good day and today I was back to feeling sick.

I am grateful that I get to recover in comfort.
I am grateful that I get to spend time with my kids.

Thanks be to God.

This morning the first thing I did when I woke up was to gripe at my wife because she woke me up and it was late. I was out of sorts and I didn't mean it.

Later in the morning I had the chance to go to a meeting for the first time in a week. I found myself debating going over other priorities but I went out of a sense of commitment. I was thinking of how my mind was trying to deceive me into not going. When I wondered why I thought it was because I am an alcoholic but then I thought not because I don't have the slightest desire to drink. I found myself trying to figure out what it was about myself that was the reason. The meeting topic was on self-will. Everything everyone shared built up to be exactly what I needed to know about myself. Selfishness self centeredness that is the root of my troubles. I did not want to go to the meeting because I am driven by a hundred forms of fear. I have been an extreme example of self-will run riot for the past 7 days. Even thought this hasn't been by choice I have been isolated for 7 days meaning I have been exposed to too much self.

I had a phone conversation with a guy trying to sort out the domain registration that was never taken care of for the 12 step web site that I used to administer that I was fired from. I had self righteous indignation that it is not being handled properly.

It was a long afternoon with kid pick ups and my wife working until 9:00. The kids constant barrage of demands got to me and I spoke to them too rudely most of the time. I need to work on this.

I did get to play with them and love them.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday I had a very down day after a pretty good day the day before. I spent a good amount of the day in bed as the symptoms from my flu returned. I was able to do all the kid pickups but I felt very out of sorts when I was up. I thought about how illness like this has a similar affect on the mind as mind altering chemicals do.

Today however was another good day of recovery. I was up and about pretty much like normal and my mental faculties were much better.

I did some good cleaning, some honey-dos, and some off-site errands. Even so I had an antsy feeling and wanted to do more but never could get a clear idea of what would be best.

I thought alot about the possibility that I have a lower spiritual resistance or weakened state. But perhaps it doesn't work that way. I thought about the need to get reconnected in spiritual fellowship activities.

I called my 12 Step sponsor today and tried to get together for the Wednesday meeting that we planned but he never called me back.

I was a little too gripy with the kids at times but I corrected this and made amends.

I watched the video of my son's game on Saturday, this was the highlight of the day.

Thanks be to God.

I thought I was getting over my illness on Friday but I was wrong. I have been very sick all weekend. I have been in bed for the past three days and did not get to make it to mass yesterday. I was even too sick to open up my lap top.

Today was my first day back close to normal, Thanks be to God and my wife that it wasn't worse.

In the evening I was too quick to gripe at the kids but I caught myself and with God's help I turned things around.

This afternoon I learned about using the four senses to read scripture.

Tonight I got gripey with my wife over something trivial but we made amends.

I sense some spiritual deprivation but I trust that the Lord will help restore my spiritual health just as he did my physical health.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday and today I was very sick all day. At times as I got better I felt selfish because I thought maybe I could have helped my wife more with the kids.

My daughter was sick and so my wife laid her down with me and we watched Sleeping Beauty.

Nevertheless, I did help some especially with dinner and I am grateful that I am recovering from this flu after only a couple of days. I remember a few years ago when I would get sick for a week or weeks. I recall parts of my life when I would get sick and relapse and stay sick for a month or months.

I am grateful today that I am not abusing my body and mind in the way that I did all those years.

I thought today about how importance spiritual fitness is because even if I make all the right moral choices, nature will throw me low spots.

I was grateful today that I get the opportunity to raise my children well.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up late but I was able to get up and get the kids going. I was supposed to meet with my sponsor but he had to cancel. In lieu of this I went to a meeting. As the meeting went on I did not feel well and decided just to listen. There were three long gaps of silence before I finally decided to share. Despite being sick I was pleased that I was able to make points related to the topic from my experience in a succinct manner.

When I got out of the meeting I was full blown ill. I went home and went straight to bed. Fortunately my wife didn't have school and she was able to do some of the shuttling.

I spent most of the day in and out of bed but I was still able to help around the house. It was a rainy, cloudy, temperate day. My nephew came to visit.

Thanks be to God.