This morning I had a hard time waking up and so did the kids. I got resentful at my wife for keeping them up too late.

Most of the morning I felt sluggish and sullen. I'm not sure what that was about but I am sure that it was some form of self. I felt a lot better in the evening.

I got to talk to a friend in recovery for a while in the morning. We talked about being careful with sudden revelations.

Today while updating my career networking profile I had a revelation to pursue a particular career path. I talked to my wife about it and decided to go to school. During our discussion she raised some points that were valid but I have been opposed to for a long time. This caused some emotional dissonance in me and while she talked all I could here was her gum smacking. I could barely hold myself together but I did. I was at the same time disappointed in myself and pleased that I made it through until my attitude changed.

This evening I responded to a friend's post about religion. I had spoken to my wife about it and she expressed the opinion that I had always held that it is better to avoid these discussions. When I read it I knew that this had changed for me. It is my job to respond with kindness and respect.

I got to pray with my children tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I found a new attitude in my search for work.

This afternoon I had to change my attitude toward my kids.

This evening I got to go to a meeting and bring the topic. I read about self centeredness as the old attitude that was the root of my troubles.

I found out that my friend that was having troubles is ok for now.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was deeply troubled about the guy at the meeting last night. I couldn't stop thinking about how his father must feel.

We had a good morning and made it to mass on time. I was resentful that my wife slept late while I was trying to feed the kids. At mass I was resentful that she kept giving in to the misbehavior of the smaller children. After church I sent her an article about how to get children to behave in mass and what the standards should be.

In the afternoon I was too wrapped up in my focus of mind and I griped too much at the kids when they interrupted.

In the evening I got a call from the guy at the meeting last night and he was threatening to kill himself. I tried to reassure him that his life was worth living but I don't think I did a very good job.

I got to talk to another friend who checked in.

I got to hug my kids a lot today.
I got to have a healthy mind and body today.
I got to be with God today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we all got up and got going in good spirits. My wife had to work and we are still using on vehicle so I started out to take the 3 oldest to school. On our way my son with food allergies vomited in the back seat of the van. I turned around for home and called my wife. She griped at me for not taking my daughter to school first and she cursed and hung up the phone. I had to ask God's to remove my resentment.

I remembered that I had a dream last night. In the dream we were all headed out the door together. As I walked out the door a voice from the roof of the house started telling me that I should tell something to my wife. In the dream I knew what the person said but I do not recall what it was now. In the dream I laughed and started talking back with the person, it was my wife's friend. I engaged in a conversation with her and then I was standing there on the roof putting up Christmas lights. As we joked our conversation took a turn to discussion and counsel. Then I realized that my wife's friend was actually the blessed mother and she was up in the tree over our bedroom where the doves live. Then I saw that there were many doves throughout the tree. As she was speaking I scanned around our house and saw that doves had landed in all the trees surrounding the house. The trees were filled with three types of birds, doves, hawks, and grackles. They appeared to have a hierarchy. I thought about this and imagined that these were the heavenly hosts surrounding and protecting our home and my family. I imagined that these were the angels, archangels, and saints.

This morning I woke up in good spirits and willing to trust in God. The kids and I got to watch an animated story of the real Saint Nicholas. It was the best program that I have seen about the story and it captivated us all. I was particularly moved by the conversions that happened and the potential conversions.

I was able to get up and clean and feed the kids and find joy in my work even when my wife was away at school.

I had this weird moment in the middle of the afternoon when I sat down to watch the animated stories of the New Testament and none of the kids were watching. It was a particularly good episode that went through various parables and culminated with the question of why Jesus taught in parables. I was moved again by the conversions, potential conversions and those who did not convert. But, during this my wife walked by me and I felt like I was being idle for watching children's cartoons and I eventually got up. I regret this because this was the Gospel that I was watching.

I did get busy and again I took joy in my work.

In the evening there was a major football game, the Big 12 championship. But all day I felt compelled to go to the meeting. At game time I decided to go. The meeting went well with a small attendance of a few of our most sober people.

At the end of the meeting someone got up and cursed some people and cursed Christ and spit on their desire key tag. Fortunately no one reacted defensively and some people reacted with tolerance and kindness, although I was conflicted over whether or not some assertive action was warranted.

I put my best face forward but was disappointed to experience a rage storm of emotions. I had thoughts of disruptive confrontation, exclusion, and even violence. I was also reluctant to admit this to myself. I realized that these emotions come from my basic instincts of pride, ambition, and ultimately fear.

It occurred to me that I am not living up to the ideals of forgiveness and sacrifice if I allow myself to dwell in those emotions.

I talked to a guy afterward and he helped me to get objective. I talked to my sponsor and he helped me to find sympathy for the person. I now need to pray for Jesus to give me forgiveness and love the person and I think I already feel it now.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had some strange happenings. First my son woke up within a few minutes of going to sleep and said he heard breathing under his bed. Then I woke up just after sleep with an angelic voice directly behind my head that said "father". Then I woke up in the middle the night with a jolt that felt like an electric shock. Then I had a dream that I was working back at my old job at the semiconductor plant and going through several days and was living sobriety hiding some brief relapses. But this wasn't all.

Early this morning I was woken from a dream that I was actively using. I had scored some drugs and returned to the house where I lived and went in to the room where I used in a startlingly furious rush to get high. I sensed that I had been using for a long time at this point and had such an intense anticipation high that it was causing me to be nauseous. I thought about taking a big snort but immediately rejected that idea to scrounge for a needle. I thought about a drawer in a desk and remember stacks of fresh syringes in there. But when I opened it there were only a few bent and dull used points. I was trying to stick a full one in my arm when I felt myself yanked out of the dream. I felt myself pulled rapidly as if up a long shaft through layers and layers of consciousness.

When I came up to the surface of consciousness and was still not quite awake I still had the deep obsession. I felt angry and wanted to get back up or dart out of bed and go score. As I began to wake up I felt the obsession gradually ease and I returned to reality and sanity.

I had a great day today running errands and putting up the Christmas tree.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday morning was very busy as my wife had to work at 8:30 and we still only have one vehicle. While dropping off the kids she started bickering at me for driving too carefully. At one intersection she griped at me for not pulling out in between the oncoming vehicles. She said that I had enough time (if I darted out there). I griped back and then went on to gripe at her about her temperament. I was embarrassed with the level at which I reacted, even if I was right. BTW, we got to to her job 40 minutes early.

This morning I read the daily reflections and thought about this alot.

I went to a meeting at 10:30, the topic was from step 12 on when to give and on burning into the consciousness of the new man that he place his dependence on God, not people. I talked about my anxiety over how to sponsor when I was newly sober and how the wording of the step "tried to carry this message" became the focal point that answered all my concerns about how and when to help. The step doesn't ask me to help him solve his problems, help him with his family matters, help him with money, or even to get the man sober. What is required is that I "try" to "carry this message" to him. With this as my objective I can to lead him to rely on God and He will solve all his problems. I first have to teach him to put first things first. That doesn't mean that I can't help with other things but I should be aware that material help or help with outside issues is not part of sponsorship or step 12.

As I was driving home from the meeting I started thinking about my friend and sponsor and I had the impulse to go by his place of business. But, I thought that I had no good reason to bother him at work. I had dismissed the idea but it kept coming up. Then I realized that today was the day that I was supposed to meet with him in the morning. So I went and saw him. We both recommited to sharing a list of unmanageabilities to pray for each other.

In the evening my son and wife kept me busy until late so I didn't get to write and evening review so I am doing it this morning for yesterday.

Today we only had one vehicle so I was busy driving all the kids to school and my wife too. I had several memorable moments today.

When I was back at home and I was alone up on the roof in the cold wind fixing the Christmas lights.
After I dropped off my wife at school on a hill overlooking the city that I live in and I stopped to take in the view in the gray day before the rain.
When I sat at night in my living room with candles lit on the mantle below the icons.
When I took a minute before dinner to write some thoughts about the spiritual awakening and step 12.

I was happy that my wife went to a meeting tonight.

I was really worried about my sister today as she had to go into emergency surgery for a brain tumor. I prayed for her all day. I am also worried about my parents because they are not practicing their faith and she needs their intercession more than anyone. I rounded up the kids tonight and we gave thanks that she is in recovery and feeling much better. We said 10 Hail Mary's for her continued recovery, courage, and protection.

Thanks be to God.