This evening in prayer I realized a slightly new approach... That God help me to review my conduct and identify self-centeredness, that God help me search out the flaws in my makeup and be rid of them.

This morning I kept thinking about the program I saw about happiness last night and I felt invigorated in my participation in 12 Step fellowships. I also thought alot about my family and decided to find the resolve to be motivated to find ways to make this home succeed.

I got to have a nice little donut breakfast with my daughter.

I was very proud of my children's report cards today. One of them was perfect.

I felt good about finishing the repairs on my son's bike.

Tonight my mom came to visit because she is going to see my sister after her visit to the cancer research center. I am afraid that she is going to tell them that her prognosis is not good. I will pray for her.

We got to watch our team play in the national championship game tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we got off to a very early start taking my wife to work.

During the day I got very focused fixing my son's bike. I got too fixated on it and I didn't do anything else. I regretted this. This was selfish even though I was doing it for my son. I didn't do other things that I should have. It was also selfish because I was wrapped up blindly in this project.

I got kind of stressed out on the way to pick up my wife. The kids were all hungry and complaining and crying and yappin' with each other. When we picked up my wife she helped me get them under control and she made me very happy.

Tonight I turned on the TV at a really bad time. I began watching a program that drew me in. The program was about seeking happiness. I went through a scientifically based study of the concept. They spent some time with a guy who won the lottery. They spent some time with a guy who lost his job. They spent some time with a lady who has cancer who has fear and anxiety. Her main focus on anything besides chemotherapy was on whether it would cure her not on her happiness. 35 minutes into they mentioned religion and morality in passing as strong attributes of those who survive difficult trials like prison in Viet Nam. The program spent a lot of time talking about self help. One hour into it it took an interesting turn and talked about AA as the path to happiness for many people. The son of Bill Moyers was interviewed. They then focusing on a program of positive psychology. The guy who lost his job tried this with little improvement to his happiness. Then they showed a scientist who studied the minds of buddhist monks and showed that his research found that their minds did not get relaxed but got very focused and active. The Dalai Llama supported thins because he would like to help people build more healthy minds, compassionate minds.
Toward the end they gave the conclusion that happiness is what you make it with your mind. They cited a host of naturalistic conceptions including altruistic pursuits as a means of recovery from grief.

This Emotional Life
Wednesday, January 6 -- 8:00pm KLRU
Rethinking Happiness
A look at happiness, what it is and how to attain it, featuring the stories of people facing major events in their lives, including a cancer diagnosis and the death of a child. Also: why people often are wrong about will bring them happiness.

This morning I thought about the spiritual experience some more.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought of an idea to take inventory of the prospect's major objections from steps 1-3. So steps 1-3 are reading and then discussion of the propositions concluding with the 3rd step prayer. Every time the prospect raises an objection then this is written down for the inventory. When the inventory is taken these are the first items to be examined. Then only the major personal relations are done. It occurred to me that this is part of the character amends that must be made. I would call this the "resistment" inventory.

Today I thought about several other things:

Amends come in three forms - personal amends, life amends, and character amends.

The steps give me a thought life management process. This help me to attain a manageable life, the process helps me to accept the things I cannot manage, to manage the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The deliberate process of seeking better living paradigms re-forms the value-desire dynamic and facilitates a joy-filled life and cultivates a life that is greater than good.

My life has gone from less than zero to greater than good.

Acute infectious respiratory illness - AIRI, the common cold.

Today I did some more college registration activities.
I got to talk to a friend in recovery.
I spent some time teaching my middle son learn to ride his bike without training wheels.
My oldest son had a severe meltdown over some punishment that my wife had to give him.
Tonight I got to go to a meeting. I started to go to a huge and popular AA meeting that I go to about once a year on Tuesday night but I turned around halfway there because I felt compelled to go and support my home group. As the meeting transpired I thought about how many of the people looked like misfits and shared awkward things and I realized how much I had drifted into self-centeredness. The meeting turned out to be outstanding with a good friend and his dad both picking up 6 year keytags.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up back on school time but could not stay up. Then I was back and forth, fitfully asleep and barely awake. I ended up struggling to get out of bed late and then after feeding the kids and taking a shower I fell back asleep again. I resolved to get to bed by 9:00 PM no matter what.

Eventually I got up in the last hour before my assessment test and I argued with my wife about my preparedness and she had to do an errand for me that I was supposed to do. I did a little pre-test study and found that I was not as unprepared as I thought I was. This morning I was paralyzed with a subtle form of fear. When I recognized this I prayed to get past it.

After the test I was relieved that everything went well. I aced the reading and writing portions and I did better than expected in math. I enjoyed the scholastic work and came out so optimistic about the future that I now have a problem of picking between long and short term goals. Later my wife and I made amends, she went first.

This morning I got a call from a person who recently went through a major struggle. I regret that I never had a chance to call him back. Later I got a call from a friend in recovery and we spoke for a while about sponsorship.

Today I thought some about some things that I wanted to say the other night in a meeting but couldn't quite conceptualize. It was the idea that this program has given me an awareness of the need to maintain my spiritual condition and a simple process to do it. This is the most the key to experiencing the joy of living.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we all made it to mass on time.

Today my oldest son had some behavior problems and my wife was a ball of stress.

This evening I feel very enthusiastic about starting school and the direction I have decided to take but I am very afraid that it just can't be done and raise 4 kids at the same time.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting and listen and then talk to a guy afterward and offer advice about seeking guidance with kids.

I am asking God to help me find peace this evening.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got out of bed at 7:45 and got the kids up at 8 - 8:20. I felt good about this until this evening and then the kids didn't make it to bed until 10:30. I was resentful at my wife for this.

Today my wife and I bickered about a home repair but I found a temporary solution that appeased her. I also found serenity in the face of her outbursts and mine.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. It was a strange event with some new faces and an outburst of proselytizing.

For some reason I feel that I have been selfish today.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got out of bed at 8:30. I was a little disappointed not to have gotten up earlier but then I remembered that it was New Year's Day and that I didn't have a hangover. Actually I had already realized that as I woke up and remembered during prayer 30 minutes earlier but my gratitude for my sobriety increased in this moment.

The kids and I went outside and rode bikes around 9 am and in the solitude of New Year's morning I again experienced gratitude at the miracle of sobriety. My thoughts also turned to the real miracle which is sanity. I thought about how my new life is made possible by the idea that sanity is a critical aspect of life that requires maintenance. In fact it is the most critical aspect of life and should be prioritized at all costs. Sanity Maintenance First

I also thought some more about the idea that AA provided me with mode of rational spirituality and rational religion.

I also thought about the idea that I came to believe in the benefit of the God concept as a step before coming to believe in God or specific theology.

I also remembered the idea of steps before the steps. Of the .0 steps before step one and perhaps some in between particularly around step 2.

I also remembered some thoughts I had about character building and how this is part of step 11 perhaps step 12.

I thought about how some folks say that step 1 is taken before the steps but while I agree with the sentiment I don't think it is true because I couldn't take step one effectively until I understood what powerlessness & unmanageability meant as define in AA.

I also thought about my career path and came to some critical conclusions that would resolve the crisis that I have been in the past few days. I realized that I have a larger capacity to have different career paths and that I should pursue the one that can provide for my family first.

Today I was thinking about the sacrament of reconciliation. I thought of it less as a meeting to open up, discuss, and be counseled about sins and be rid of them but more like a renewal of baptism. Perhaps the sins should be processed beforehand and then the confession is more of a re-commitment to God. I don't think this is new to me but rather re-new to me today.

My parents visited us this evening and we had a great time talking about things but I talked about drinking and my gratitude for sobriety and the difference between normal drinkers and alcoholics and they reacted awkwardly.

I watched the movie 2010 with my son. Something is going to happen, something wonderful!

Thanks be to God.