This Saturday was a busy day starting with back to back baseball games, then yard work in preparation for Mother's Day, meeting with a sponsee, and then being alone with the kids in the evening while my wife worked.  I was again unable to do a written evening review and was disappointed.  I also didn't get to do one yesterday and my wife is talking to me now without knowing how important this is (seems?) to me.

The first baseball game was very intense.  I got to see that the boys need to be made aware of their mistakes but in a way that does not make them afraid.  Fear generates more mistakes.  Awareness generates intiative, practice is the only thing that really improves performance.  The game was ten times more important for the other team than for us.  Several calls went our way including the game winning out in which a huge explosion erupted at then plate between the umpires and the parents and coaches of the other team. When we lined up and shook hands on the field the other coach seemed to intuitively know that a hug was in order.  I have gotten the impression that he is a Christian and this seemed to be an expression of Christian love in the midst of a conflict.

On a lesser note I learned that calls seem to go to the winning team.  The team that seems to be playing better is the team that the umps unconsciously favor because these calls are made in the heat of the moment.  This is human nature as human judgement is not based on precise evaluation but on fuzzy logic.

My wife talked to me after the games and was deeply frustrated by a barrage of innuendo and inquisition from my Dad about how her parenting methods with my kids.  His statements inferred his ideas about how these matters should be handled, things like what she feeds them, how she maintains their health, and what she teaches them.  Clearly his ideas are not sound and my wife is very knowledgeable about these things and has more experience by virtue of having more kids and receiving good training.  I found myself inspired to encourage my wife.   My dad's criticism's actually got me thinking about what a great mom my wife is in a deep and meaningful way.  I found a greater appreciation for her for Mother's day.  I took my oldest son to buy her flowers.

I got to work with my friend on the 12 steps.  During our discussion he made a statement that he likes the fact that he comes to me with problems but the answers are not directly what to do about the problems but how to evaluate and resolve such problems.  In other words not the fish but how to fish.

Thanks be to God.

Today I got to go a field trip with my son to a state park.  I had a great time with the kids and took a lot of pictures.  I was the chaperon for my son and two other boys.  I got a little too angry at my son a couple of time when he got a little too unruly.  I enjoyed the moment when my son left his place at the picnic table to come sit next to me and have lunch together.  Tonight at bedtime my son thanked me for going.

This afternoon I got to throw baseballs with my son and his friend.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and talk about the fourth step.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday morning I had to comfort and cajole my 2 year old daughter into attending her preschool.  I was grateful for the parenting savvy to figure out what works.

I took a day off of schoolwork and did some much needed errands.

I got to talk to a friend in the program.

This afternoon my son didn't want to go to his baseball game.  It was that moment that every parent dreads when the kid doesn't want to push himself to meet his commitments.  I sympathized with him as he has had an evening event every night this week and was worn out.  I had to use a mix of guiding him to rest and eat, talking to him about commitments, informing him of our expectations and consequences, taking it easy on him.  Again I was grateful for the savvy to help him find his self-motivation.  I was proud of him for changing his attitude on which he was adamantly set.

At the game I encountered a personal dilemma.  Our coach was putting an intense amount of pressure on the boys as they started out rusty.  He was hounding them after every pitch.  I appreciate the coach's enthusiasm and ability to motive the boys.  But, in this case he was making them more tense than they needed to be.  A large part of the lineup struck out the first time around.  I think about half of them would have done better if he would have backed off a bit.  I feel for him though because he really made his wife mad by harassing his son.  I tried to get him to ease up and let his son settle in.

In the end all the boys battled back from adversity and stepped up to win.  My son got a hit and made a run at a crucial time in the game.  The coach told me he really needed that run.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I got to guide a friend in taking someone through the fourth step.

I had to resist getting worked up and expending energy on an issue on an online forum.

I was able to get my overdue school assignment done.

I was able to go to a meeting and talk about step one.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I got resentful that I didn't have time to do my schoolwork and would not meet a deadline.  I had to do run some errands and do some paperwork that was important to my school funding.  I had to accept that it would be late, pray for my anger to be removed, and resist staying mad.  I noticed that my anger is trying to drive me to rationalize that it is my wife's fault somehow.

I was deeply engrossed in my speech reading which is focused on group communication and interpersonal dynamics in groups and teams.  This seems especially synchronous with my recent reflection on the nature of the 12  step fellowships.

I was disappointed that I still can't remember what my priest said on Sunday.

This evening I got to coach in my son's tee ball game and practice with my older son.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was late waking up and never got more than "Thank you God" out for a morning prayer.  My wife  actually got out of bed before me and started preparing the kids for mass.  I had to resist my feelings of remorse and anxiety.

We made it to mass early and in good spirits.  The priest gave a great homily in which he made a powerful statement that I wished to reflect on and commit to memory and he told two great stories of which I can only remember the latter, it was about a three legged chicken. I wish and pray that I could recall what he said.

After lunch I felt exhausted and fell asleep and didn't get much accomplished.  I felt like I was too tired today and something must be wrong with me.

This afternoon my wife was away at school studying.  I was disappointed that I never called my friend to tell him that my son and I would not make it for a baseball lesson. I was grateful that I got to rest.

Last night I had a dream that my wife had distanced herself from me and the writing was on the wall that she had someone else, and a new lifestyle.  I was suddenly thrust into the devastating feelings of relationship withdrawal and the futility of trying to recover the love of someone.  I woke up loving her.  This is important to me now because like most days recently today we are distant due to our differing viewpoints, our busy-ness, and bickering.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and share about the importance of the disease concept.  I received and insight that my split personality consisted of three distinct entities at odds with each other and that deterred my willingness, the fiercely pragmatic individualist, the addict/obsessive defender, and the anti-theist amoral objector.

I wish I could remember what I priest said today, I trust that it will be revealed to me later.

Thanks be to God.

P.S. I remembered that the first story our priest told was the legend of the people of the village who prayed for the God to grant them one year of the sun and rain when they wished it.  God granted their wish and when they prayed for rain they got rain and when they prayed for sun they got sun.  This caused the corn stalks to grow tall, the fruit trees to grow lush, and the wheat to grow thick.  But when harvest time came their joy turned to sadness because the plants bore no fruit.  When they asked God why he said because they did not pray for the north wind to pollinate the plants.

The point was that we cannot know all that God knows and therefore when we ask for things in prayer only God knows what we need.

I just noticed that the first reading in the mass today was from Revelations.  Funny that I thought quite a bit about this book yesterday after hearing the song "John the Revelator".

I still can't remember what the priests quote was but I have faith that God will give me what I need.

This Saturday

I was very tired from staying up late the night before and was late getting up.  I wasn't part of the kid's morning as is the usual Saturday morning routine.

We had a baseball game at midday.  I thought about how I am grateful that my son get's to be on a winning team, but I am disappointed in the way we are accomplishing this by hammering the other teams with one kid pitcher who throws exceedingly hard.  If it were up to me I would give the other teams a break and let some other kids pitch.

The other team today didn't stand a chance even though they were a good team.  I am also disappointed that my son is given bench time in every game.  I have to let these resentments go and be grateful  for what we have.  Perhaps there is an appropriate way to approach the coach about this.

My son had a good game even though he wasn't a part of any spectacular plays.  He hit the second pitch to him on his first at bat and made it to base safely.  He ran the bases aggressively and scored at home.  On his second at bat he also hit the ball but this one was stopped and bobbled in the infield.  He did his best to sprint to first and made it and strained his leg in doing so.  But he hung in their and ran the bases well.  He got into a long back and forth duel tempting the pitcher and catcher with a big lead at third.

Two of the other coaches couldn't make it so I got to coach in the game.  I enjoyed the experience and was pleased that I seemed to have the focus and concentration that I sometimes don't have to do a good job.  I feel ready for a higher level of participation next year.

I was moved by an announcement at the end of the game that one of the boy's grandfather passed away and he decided to attend.  Our coach told all of the boys about this and asked them to include him in their bedtime prayers. As he was saying this I watched the boy with his head down and saw teardrops falling to the ground.  I thought of my own son and almost cried myself.

On the way home from our baseball game my son and I heard the song "John the Revelator" and I got to have a discussion with him about how this song was Biblical in content.

I passed out hard at home until close to dinner time.  Then I realized that it was near time to meet with a guy to do step work.  I didn't feel up to it at all as I was groggy and my wife was working.  I had to take care of the kids and began preparing dinner.  I got busy with that and forgot to check my phone.  But then I did check it later and found that he had called.  I called him back and he was in my neighborhood to meet with me but went to a store pending my call back.  I admired his perseverance and tried my best not to sound unwilling.  We went through with our meeting and worked through the interruptions as best as possible.  He conveyed to me how much he looks forward to our meetings.  The meeting was the highlight of my day and week also.

I didn't get to go to a meeting and the rest of the evening was a blur.  I stayed up late watching a baseball game with the kids.

I wish I could remember the spiritual reflections that I thought about this day.

Thanks be to God.