Today and throughout this weekend I thought about the human trait of self awareness and the common characteristic of inability to perceive certain aspects of one's self.  I thought of how to conceptualize this and determined that the term "personal blind spot" best encompasses the various aspects of this area of self.  In the Johari window it is called the blind area.  Perhaps this is an expansion on this concept or just a deeper understanding on my part.

I also thought about how people are groovy.  Our behaviors are pliable yet rigid.  We form habits like grooves on a record, but it is harder to break them than to make them.  They become hard etched patterns in our minds that lead us through repeated sequences of behavior and outcomes.  We have to exercise our will (sometimes with great or extreme effort) to shift out of them or re-groove them.  But the more we become habituated the deeper the grooves become and the more we lose the power to shift out of them.  They can become so deep that they become ruts.  Then only a power greater than ourselves can remove us from them and remove them  from us.

I did a LOT of cleaning in the morning and then went to a meeting at the AA club.  It was one of those things where there was no clear topic but I was able to focus my thoughts on the my experience of my self-centered defiance that does not like to admit alcoholism.

This evening my son and I got caught in a rain/hail storm at the ballfield, it was great.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning I felt very alert, focused, and connected in prayer.  My thoughts stayed sequential through the steps of centering my mind and asking God to form the various parts of my thinking and conscience.  Even some new, or perhaps more precise, facets of formation came to mind.

It was a busy morning as we had another appointment to take the team picture for my older son's baseball team and then I had to serve at the league fundraiser the rest of the afternoon.

In the evening I didn't hear from my sponsee or see hom at the meeting.

It was a good meeting and I got to sit and llisten about the topic of steps 10, 11, and 12.  The focus was on keeping spiritually fit to maintain the power that removes the obsession.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I struggled with distraction and confusion in prayer.  I was still disturbed by the contentious conversation that I had the night before.  I also kept drifting into thinking about my affairs.  I got through my prayers but never really got fully focused.

I did a final big assignment and took a final exam after breakfast and kid drop offs.  This took all of midday and was very mentally intensive and exhausting.  I was so engrossed in this that I forgot to pickup the kids on time.  I was late but not too late.

I was resentful about the volume and intensity of the assignments I had but I was very grateful for the opportunity to review the material because I realized that I had forgotten a lot of it.  I thought a lot about the influence of feelings on perception and the self-serving bias.  I also thought about concepts of self-regulation.

There was a moment today when I had some thoughts that I didn't quite identify until I thought about them later.  I realized that these were faith doubts.  I was so immersed in concepts of thought and communication that I fell under the influence of materialistic study.  At some point I felt (not really thought) that religion and spirituality might be quaint superstition.  I quickly turned away from these thoughts but later prayed to resist skepticism.

After all the kid pickups I never regained intiative and clarity of thought.  The morning just sapped me.  My son asked me to throw some balls with him and I had a lot of housecleaning to do.  I was supposed to volunteer for a barbeque event setup at the ballfields but never made it.  I didn't go to a meeting either.

I spent the evening with my family and ran some errands to the store for my wife.

Thanks be to God.

Several times today I felt great disturbances in my spiritual condition that led me to question what is happening, whether it is a lack of faith on my part.

I struggled and rushed through prayer this morning when i woke up.

I had to spend a lot of time cleaning in the morning and didn't get much school work done.  I felt resentful about this.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting.  It was one of those times that I easily identified what I needed to share about and was ready to go but everyone else had plenty to talk about and I was able to exercise some humility and just listen.

A friend talked to me after the meeting about the consistent practice of spiritual activities and spiritual disturbances when he is inconsistence.  I talked to him about how we encounter circumstances in our lives (like family, school, ministry, etc.) that are probably God ordained that can interfere with the consistent practice of spiritual activities and will result in disturbances.  Therein the message that I needed was revealed to me.

Afterward I had a series of long conversations with someone about our theological views which descended into a vast disagreement.  In each case I didn't intend to debate based on a desire to convince him of my views but rather was trying to demonstrate that it is important to apply critical thinking skills and to disagree reasonably.   I left the conversation feeling a bit disturbed.  I guess it was a God ordained mission which resulted in an inevitable vicissitude, but will have His intended result.

Thy will, not mine, be done.  Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday morning I took a final exam for one of my classes.  It was a bit unnerving because there were questions about subjects that were not on the quizzes that I used to prep for the test.  As the number of questions that I was uncertain about went up I started having serious doubts that I would pass the test.  I had to prepare myself to accept the outcome and not allow it to distract me.  In the end I did pass with an 84..  However, for the rest of the day I had residual feelings of disappointment.

I read a post by the atheist author Sam Harris about child sexual abuse in the Catholic Church.  This would not be significant except that it was posted by the author Anne Rice on her Facebook page.  The opinions I read and her increasing buy-in to the shrill clamor to oust the hierarchy of the church to replace it with those that would be sexually permissive left me deeply disturbed.  I wanted to lash out an opinion but realized that I was much too angry and therefore not objective.  More importantly I kept thinking about it all day and had to admit that I was under the influence of resentment.  I thought about how this was not truly an immediate threat too me and that my anger was an emotion aroused by some information that is merely another's opinion.  I must control my feelings and belief in God and a communion of spirits helps me do that, and that's what my religion is truly about.  It's not about these social issues.

My son had a tee ball game this evening.  The weather was warm and wind was cool and the fellowship was convivial.

Thanks be to God.

Today I spent the morning reading my final chapter of basic computing on technology careers.  I took the quiz and am now ready to take the final exam.  In this chapter I read some information that caught me by surprise and changed my outlook about my career path and self esteem.  I read about the various types and what they entail and character traits that are conducive to them.  I discovered where I fit.  I also read the requirements, job market, salary expectations and other factors. There was also a description of how many people in my field were employed without education due to the demand.  This answered a lot of questions and filled a need for validation that I didn't know I had.

I also read a success story on the community college website.  I identified with the struggles of a mother and person with a job going back to school.  These things gave me a sense of direction and enthusiasm.  I felt a strong desire to make a greater commitment to my education and career.  I even thought about reducing my 12 step activities to devote more of my mental resources to this, at least temporarily.

This afternoon I played a game of tee ball with the 3 oldest kids in the back yard.

I thought today about how my disease has whispered to me lately, like a shadow outside of my window trying to get me to let it in.  I thought about how personifying the disease might be a good tool to reflect the actual spiritual battle for those who resist religion.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting. I thought very seriously about not going.  The topic was on step 12 and the absolute need to work with other addicts.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I spent the morning studying.  I read some interesting and helpful information about computer ethics.  I also read what was probably the most concise and insightful description about the nature of ethics that I have ever read.

In the afternoon I did some baseball practice with my son in tee ball.  He was extremely reluctant but I made him do it anyway.  I employed a new way of getting started by doing agility exercises with him.  He enjoyed this and had a gradual attitude shift that was sufficient to get him to cooperate with his actual baseball skill reps.

I wish that I had known this before because I could have him more advanced in his basic skills.  As we were practicing I had a profound realization of the extent of his motor skills deficiency (due to his autism).  In looking back I see that I felt a little sense of futility and loss of optimism.  But I gathered my feelings and thought about the big picture and the time frame of two years before he needs to be able to catch and hit a thrown all and I felt better.  I also thought of the attitude change that a couple of the coaches verbalized to me at the last game.  They spoke highly of him in small accomplishments.  My parents have told me that he is greatly improved also. I need to forget what some of the little phenoms are able to do and just be appreciative of his accomplishments and efforts.

I had to take my older son to the baseball field for team pictures this evening.  I had to exercise patience with the coach as he was not interested in the pictures, would not communicate with the photographer, and eventually cancelled taking the pictures again.  I just shifted my focus on the opportunity to do batting practice with my son.  A friend of his asked to join us and I let him reluctantly.  I was worried about getting done quickly and getting home to meet my wife's demand. I thought about how I've never seen his dad just his mom, she might be single trying to raise 2 boys.  During our practice he told me that he wished he had a baseball backpack like my son.   My son told him that he has a pitch back, a hitting net, a batting tire, and a hit-away in his yard.  Later I realized that this is the opportunity that God has placed in front of me to do His will and help the less fortunate.

Looking back I see that God was trying to show today that I can be free from wishful thinking by being grateful for the gifts and blessing that he has given me.

Thanks be to God.