This Monday I was sick again but I was ok enough to function once I got going.  I was able to get up and take care of the kids and get them all to school on time.  My wife was even sicker than  the day before and never got back out of bed once the kids were off to school.

I remembered that a few days ago I had an intense using dream that I've been meaning to note.  I don't know what significance this is now but I don't like these to go unnoticed.

My Dad called me in the evening.  He is on an unexpected trip to see my sister at her home across the state.  We had  a short talk about things.  He mentioned that he has been missing my son.  I told him that my son has been asking why he doesn't visit more often.  My wife had talked to me about how my Dad allows his habits and resentments to prevent him from spending time with his grandkids.  I am praying for my sister, I believe that the gravity of her health situation and the consequences of her perspective are grieving her.

In the evening my mind and body shut down but I made a conscious effort to avoid getting angry.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I wok up sick again and was late getting out of bed.  Nevertheless i made some good choices and a took responsibility to make sure to get to mass on time.  At the last minute my wife told me to hurry because she was late to set up for the children's liturgy.  I didn't know that she was doing this and she told me that she told me and we started to bicker.  I had to let it go and let her have the last word.  While I do good a stopping arguing and turning my thoughts away, It was harder to let go of the resentment.

Our priest said some things during the homily that I wanted to remember.  Today is Passover Sunday and he spoke of the nature of the Holy Spirit.  He said that the spirit is the lens through which our perception becomes clearer, our attitude more humble, and our wisdom deeper.  He also said something else that I wanted to remember.

There was a call to be altar servers with our kids.  I am afraid to do this but know I must.

This Saturday morning I woke up on time but with a sore throat and possibly rhinovirus.  I was late getting out of bed but managed to get through my prayers effectively.

The bickering with my wife and my tendency to fault find resumed but I tried my best to resist and let her own her own feelings.

I got my son started on mowing the lawn first thing when I got up. This involved a lot of tasks outside on my part.  Once I got him started, I came inside and had to feed the little kids.  In the process i had to clean the kitchen and I got very resentful.  This is when I had to stop myself.  My wife asked me why I was throwing dishes around but I just chose not to answer and stop banging things.  My son complained and whined and sopped and started and I went back and forth with him to get him to do his job.  But, In the end he persevered and got it done despite a sore stomach.

Most of the morning was spent cleaning the house and some touch up yard work.  I also set up my son and his friends with outdoor games that I bought them at the thrift store.

I thought again about all the things my wife does for us.  She worked this day and she babysat my best friend's kids.  When the mother was picking them up she told us a story of her bickering with her husband (my friend) and thus I didn't feel so bad after.  I updated the software on my wife's phone for her.

In the evening she had to work.  I got a little resentful while I was cooking dinner by myself and I felt somewhat ill.  A firend came over to do 12 step work and while this made things a little more laborious I still felt better.  He joined us for dinner.

After dinner all went well for a while but I lost control of my temper with the kids at bed time when some of them started misbehaving and whining at the same time.  I sort of exploded at them and broke a broom and a light bulb on the fan when my son hit his head on it.  We all calmed down and talked and said prayers and went to bed peacefully.  I thought about how my temper tantrum must sound like their whining and misbehaving to God.  So I must get over it and grant them the same tolerance and patience that he gives me.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife starting bickering at me early.  We had a disagreement about my son riding to school with me.  I griped at her that I like to take him because he wants to and because we say his and his siblings morning prayer in the truck.  This continued some when I got home but I resolve to let her own her feelings.  She asked me if I would mind running some errands and I got real sensitive and had to let it go.  I ran the errands and enjoyed the morning.

We had a financial scare but I got it taken care of and we will be ok for a while.

I got to go to a meeting at noon.  The topic was "sobriety or sodriety?"  It was a very interesting meeting because one of the first to share went on a rant about their issues.  Many others brought the meeting on track.  I shared that I couldn't stay sober on sodriety.

When I got out I called my wife to let her know I was on my way to pick up the kids.  She was mad because I missed 2 of her calls.  I thought about all the work she does for our family to keep things running and that she is under a lot of stress.  I thought about how much we benefit from all her work and I found gratitude for her.

I thought today about starting an accountability group to share our evening reviews.

Thanks be to God.

This morning during prayer I couldn't remember part of the morning offering.  It was really wierd because it was during the part that I don't like to say but do so as a matter of ritual.  "God, I offer this day to You, all my joys, all my -----, all my sufferings, all my works."

I got up and got the kids going because my wife didn't wake up.  Our routine is that one of us preps the kids while the other takes a shower and then drives the kids to school. I went without a shower and took them.  While we were getting ready she woke up and started helping but then griped at me for a series of offenses.  I got a little resentful and thought about how I didn't complain to her faults.  I had to resist fault-finding a great deal.  She continued to make demands and bicker with me the rest of the morning.

I also still felt bad about my son not making the All Star team.  His disappointment kept replaying in my mind and I had to make an effort to stop it. I thought of several angles in which to find solace and attitude adjustment and gratitude.

In thinking about these feelings I thought about how my problem is my sorrows not real suffering. I realized that the part of my prayer that I could not remember in the morning was "sorrows". I am grateful that I have a morning prayer practice to get me through my negative feelings.

With school being out I have had a feeling of aimlessness in the morning after feeding the kids, and getting them off to school..

I still felt bad about the mistake I made in last night's game.  I had to dissect my remorse and elect to let it go and see the good job that I did do.  I also remembered an injury that happened during the game where the pitcher got hit in the head by a hard hit line drive.  It kinda put things in perspective.  The boy had to be taken to the emergency room to be checked out, but he seemed ok.

Also, that team didn't win a game all year and our team won all but one.  I am grateful that my son got to have this experience once in his life.

My wife and I bickered about allowing my son to ride his bike to school.  I was resentful that she isn't willing to allow it.  I want him to have this responsibility, build self-esteem, and interact with the world outside of the car in a healthy way.  I have said my piece and now must let go of my resentment. It kept cropping up all day and I started getting resentful about other things and finding fault in her character defects of fear based reactivism and impulsive decision making.  There I've said it, now I have to give it over to God and let Him handle it.

My sponsee that I was worried about called me today and all is well.

This evening we attended the closing ceremonies for my son's baseball league.  Our team  was awarded 1st place and we received our trophies.

After that the All Star team was announced.  I had talked to my son and prepared him that he would not be selected as he is 9 and it would only be 10 year olds.  But they announced that we had enough players to field a 9 year old team.  I saw the excitement in my son's face.  But they announced all the players and he was not one of them.  When the coach folded up his list I saw my son's head drop.  I thought about all the hard work he had put in physically and spiritually this year.  Several of the players announced were clearly less skilled than my son.  A lot of thoughts went through my head about the selection process and I did my best to explain it to my son, half of the selections are based concretely on high skills and the other half on a popularity contest of various sorts.  All the ways that I could have been a bigger contributor and networked to give him better visibility crossed my mind.  I had to resist negative feelings.

I was handed a trophy but didn't think I should get it because I was the "5th" coach. I tried later to give it to the other assistant who was busy conducting the ceremonies as he is the Commissioner also.  But, he graciously declined it and told me I deserved it.  I still didn't think so but I admired his attitude.

Thanks be to God

Today my wife went to the funeral of a family friend.  She had to sacrifice being at my youngest son's closing ceremonies for tee ball and at my older son's last game of the season to decide first place.  The death of her friend was difficult for her because he didn't engage in any of the bad behaviors that usually precede his type of illness and he left behind several kids and a wife.

I got to meet with a sponsee for the better part of the morning.

I had to take all of the kids to the ballfield with me.  I am grateful for my mom who attended my younger son's awards ceremony and watched the girls.  I was able to coach in my older son's game.  It was a great and dramatic game but at the end I made a big mistake and told a player to steal second when someone was already there.  In the confusion however, the other team overthrew the ball and we scored 2 runs and won the game.  Nobody was sore at me because of the outcome but I still feel terrible about the mistake.

Thanks be to God for this day.