This morning after I got the kids going and fed and cleaned up I hit a wall.  I got that feeling of being overwhelmed by their needs and wants and no sense of direction of my own.  I tried to resist being resentful and just accept that I needed a time out.  I stopped to rest and was disappointed that I wasn't doing more with the day.

My friend whose son plays baseball wanted to get them together to practice but I could not get myself to do this.  I was disappointed that I was letting this opportunity slip by but I felt that there were more important things that needed to be done first even thought I didn't know what they were.  Plus, I couldn't make any plans without knowing what my wife planned to do.  I had to resist getting resentful at her.

My wife got going about this time and she tried to coordinate with me but by this time I had become brain dead. Thankfully, she made some decisions and took the kids to see a movie.  During the time she was gone I started cleaning the house and my mind gradually shifted back into order.  I realized that my mind has a need to get into order before I am able to have that initiative to get through the day productively.  I realized that when I have to attend to the kids and be in the midst of their clamor alone in the morning that I never get in order.  Again I had to resist getting resentful at my wife and just recognize this so that I might better cope with what I can change.

I got some good cleaning and a big honey-do done and felt productive by late afternoon.  Their was a big thing my wife wanted from me that she got mad at me about later, but I just had to let her own her feelings and not get lost in trying too hard to please her.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and talk about humility.

Thanks be to God

This Sunday I was late getting up after the busy day before, and my wife slept in.  She opted to stay home from mass.  I started to take all the kids but she talked me out of taking the girls as she didn't want to get them dressed. I was disappointed in myself for not making a greater effort to take them.  I was grateful that we got to sit in the main sanctuary and not in the small children area in the balcony.  The boys behaved fairly well and I got to listen and meditate on the readings and homily about the Holy Trinity and how the spiritual life is a relationship.

My wife never really got going so I had to stay home all day with the kids.  I managed to keep my good attitude for the most part, but I'm sure that I was a little resentful as I remember thinking that I don't want her working that late anymore.

I got to talk to a sponsee and a friend in the program.

I fell asleep with my son and never did a review until tonight, but I recall that it was a good day.  I am grateful to serve God by tending to my kids and getting to spend time with them.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up with a great attitude.  As I started to make breakfast, I felt so enthusiastic that I went to the store and bought a bunch of doughnuts and breakfast foods for everyone.  My wife wasn't too crazy about this but I didn't let it bother me.

I got to go to the 12 step club and do some prep work for the speaker meeting tonight.
I got to talk to a guy about recovery and a 4th step.
I got to go to the speaker meeting in which we had a surprise speaker, a movie star in recovery. I remembered back to when I discovered his story and the identification that I received, which I needed at the time.  I was grateful to get to shake hands and make small talk with him.
I got to help a new guy afterward.

I thought alot today about how God works in my life today and how He sends me messages.  I remembered yesterday that I listened to a sermon about the Holy Spirit as the Breath of Life and how the movie I saw helped me have another Spiritual Experience.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Friday I was grateful to wake up feeling good and to get a good start.

As the day progressed I started to feel the sense of aimlessness and lack of initiative that I have had lately.  I was babysitting my daughter and running some errands for my wife.  I was remorseful however that I didn't make better use of the day.

In the evening I really wanted to get away.  My wife got angry at me about something, the kids were talking and demanding things constantly, I was doing so many things that I didn't want to do that I didn't even know what I wanted to do or should do anymore.  I thought about how this is a feeling that I have been having every day now for some time.  My wife had an evening event planned, a movie at an outdoor theater.  As we made preparations and the time got closer I began to question it, get somewhat resentful and wanted to go less and less.  The thought of managing all the kids in public on a hot evening sounded awful to me.  I thought about how I could have peace and quiet and maybe go to a meeting.  But I realized that I was being selfish and I reluctantly went.  I made a special effort to resist those feelings and to try my best to be supportive to my wife.

The movie was Shrek 4ever After.  It was about the domesticated Shrek who has settled into domestic life and gradually becomes overwhelmed with the routine, mundane family life.  It begins with a walk through summary of the tale of his meeting the princess who becomes his wife, their adventures, and then their kids and life which is going happily ever after.  But it continues into a repetition of his daily life in which he becomes gradually more and more discontented.

I like the way that it was done because it gave me a great sense of how appreciation and gratitude can be gradually eroded.  It really hit home for me because of the sense of overwhelming powerlessness one feels from the daily demands of fatherhood, in particular for 3 small children.  As his discontent progresses, Shrek fantasizes about his old life, "when things made sense".  That is exactly how I have been feeling!  I realized that I have been developing a big problem that I didn't fully realize.

The film goes on in a similar story line to "It's a Wonderful Life".  Shrek gets to see what life would be like if he didn't exist (as a consequence of his desire to get away).  He sees how this severely affects the lives of the ones he loves. He receives a radical attitude adjustment and a deep appreciation for his life and his wife.

That is how I felt at the end of this day.

Thank God for my life.
Thank God for my recovery, my enthusiasm just got a huge shot in the arm.
Thank God for my kids despite the confusion that comes with them.
Thank God for my wife whom I love even when she isn't perfect.

Thanks be to God.

Today I felt a lot better in the morning and never did feel sick all day.  I got to go to my son's Track and Field day.  I enjoy the time I got to spend with him and his friends.  We went from event to event and they did really well at them all.  I had to scold my son several times and I realized that I reacted too temperamentally.  I need to control my anger more and not let it ruin the experience that my son and I get to share.

I was grateful to get the kids together and pray this morning.
I enjoyed my bike ride to and from the school.
I got to go to the thrift store in another part of town.
I got to go to the college bookstore downtown and get a book.
I got to go to the baseball field and pick up my son's team picture.

I went to a gas station to meet a guy for a school book in the afternoon.  As I was waiting it felt like a dope deal. The thoughts that came to mind were of the dysfunction that my drug life had become.  Of how my addiction progressed to the point that I couldn't use the gas stations and bathrooms anymore because I was too paranoid. It became exceedingly difficult to manage all the contorted issues in that life.  I was grateful that I don't even want to think about the high today because I don't want to think about anything that would ruin the things that are important to me now.  I am grateful that normal things are important to me.

I got to go to a meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday I regressed back to feeling ill again in the morning.  I had a slow start to the day and had feelings of aimlessness and non-productiveness.  I didn't fully process these thoughts but I relied on the recent times when I have had similar feelings and just stopped it.

In the evening my wife griped at me because I had not got an errand done.  But I couldn't because of circumstances that were under her control.  I didn't do a very good job of communicating this to her in a kind and tolerant way but it could have been worse.

I thought about the idea of living a principle based life rather than a reactionary one.

I bought a croquet set at the thrift store and set it up for the little kids thinking it would be a relaxing diversion for them, but my son swung a mallet like a bat and whacked his sister near the eye.

I got to serve my family today.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday morning I was very groggy and had to rush through an abbreviated prayer set before getting the kids going. Thankfully my wife was back to normal once she got going.  I was also in fair shape and dedicated a little more focus in prayer with the kids.

I felt a little aimless when my wife mentioned that we needed to take our van in for repair.  I was grateful for this appointment that would take up the morning.  I got to listen to Fr,  Corapi some in the morning.

I was grateful for the clouds that kept the temp down.

I got to talk to a friend about sponsorship issues.  I got to talk to a guy just coming back from relapse who is trying to get on his feet.

My son lost his backpack on the way home from school and I had to back track with him and teach him about the importance of responsibility for your things.  We looked in the neighbor's backyard and then at the parke and finally at the school.  His friend whose mom is a teacher greeted us at the school and directed us to where the backpack was.  Apparently he had found it and turned it in.

In the evening I thought about going to a meeting but my wife needed my help so I stayed home.  I got to practice baseball with my youngest son.

After the kids went to bed my wife and I researched our books for next semester.  I watched a program about the meaning of love and God's relationship to love.

Thanks be to God.