This Tuesday morning I woke up with a feeling of dread.  I recognized this as the way that I felt one of the other times when I was unemployed and the unemployment money ran out and the mortgage was late.  Fortunately that time and every other time like that, God has come through, first to give me strength and perseverance and then provision.

As I prepared my son to go to camp, I felt bad for him and worried that it may not be a good place.  He soldiered on and complied with my suggestions to seek a positive attitude.

At mid day my wife and I had a talk about my school situation.  She opened the door to the possibility for me to drop a class.  As we discussed this I became certain that this is what I need to do.  I didn't allow my mind to get set on the idea but it seemed inevitable.

A weird thing happened as I went through the day. I suddenly found a renewed sense of desire to persevere in my classes.   I found a new technique to study which gave me optimism.

I had to pick up all the kids which took an hour and a half.  Thank God I cooked dinner before that.

My sons and I watched The Wizard pitch against The Freak in the evening.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I caught a sound bite from the Gospel reading of the mass on TV, "judge not lest ye be judged."

Today I had a really hard time studying again.   I find myself questioning whether I am capable of completing these classes.

I thought a lot about my attitude toward my wife and her decision making today.  I had to turn away from fault finding and reactionary thinking and manipulation.

I was worried about my son at his new summer camp.  I got resentful at my wife that he is so worn out after this weekend.

I found out I made a D on my psych test.

I got to go to meeting after my class.  We talked about family issues.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday I was home alone for Father's day while my wife and kids were on a trip to the beach.  During prayer this morning I thought of formation of my lower nature in 2 layers, the reactionary and the deep seceded drives.  I can't remember the depth of this concept but I wish that I could.

I went to mass by myself and enjoyed the insight into the Gospel reading of "who do you say that I am". In the opening reading it occurred to me that the concept of the sacrificial servant was present in the prophetic old testament writings.  To me this lent credibility to the claim of Christ since many at the time wanted him to be a political zealot.

I got to go to my parents house and visit with my Dad.  We had a great time together talking about sports and my kids.  I regretted that I couldn't find a way to talk about anything substantive.

In the afternoon I got a call from a guy who requested some advice for overcoming an extreme outburst of justifiable anger over an occurrence where his child was threatened.  I was grateful for the insight that I was able to provide to him this Father's day.

I had a terrible time trying to stay focused on my schoolwork again.  I read and read and could not absorb or retain anything.

When my wife came home she told that the trip was a nightmare.  My relative that went with them had a meltdown and flew into a tirade against her and my kids and my parents.  She threatened my wife and my kids and cussed them out and demanded to be let out of the vehicle and frantically called everyone she knew to pick up her car at our house and come to the coast and get her.  She physically threatened my wife and scared the hell out of my kids.  I came close to a meltdown myself.

It took a good while for me to calm down about it.  I caught myself wanted to call her and cuss her out.  I wanted to condemn her as psycho and never speak to her again.  I wanted to let her know she needs help and deserved the cold shoulder she gets from my parents.  It was ironic that I needed all the advice about overcoming resentment and forgiving a person who threatens your child that I gave to the friend today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I felt a great deal of emotional confusion.  I was able to attend to the routine tasks of waking, feeding, and getting the children started in their day, but I lost my sense of direction and initiative once they were underway.   This was further exacerbated by the fact that they were preparing to leave for a long trip to the beach with my wife, their cousin, and his mother.  My wife asked me if I was mad because of the look of discomfort that I must have projected.  The chaos of this part of the morning sent me into a state of ineptitude that took some time to recover from after they left.

I never did really recover however as I had to do some intensive study and was incessantly distracted. I kept thinking about housecleaning and home improvement projects and would only read a paragraph or two at a time and not concentrate enough to retain anything.  I found myself questioning whether I am capable of finishing college.  At the end of the day I thought of using a desire for professionalism to motivate me.  I need to work on building this concept.

I tried to call my sponsee today.
I called and had a long and fruitful talk with my sponsor.
I got to go to the home improvement store and think through and plan my major project.  Hopefully now it will not be as much of a distraction.
I got to attend and chair the 12 step meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday I tried to do schoolwork all day but was very distracted and wasn't really productive before 4 in the afternoon.  Then, after kid pickups and starting dinner I finally got diligent.  But at this point I think my wife wanted my help and I was not available.  She had a visitor, my sister-in-law.  

I went to a meeting at 7:30.  I brought the topic of fear being the chief activator of our character defects and how it is scary to let some of them go but I must trust infinite God rather than finite self.

When I got home my wife told me about a mistake that happened with her school funding and that we would lose a good sum of money.  It was demoralizing but I was able to turn away from my worry and put my trust in God.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday I spent all day studying for another test.  I wished that I could have done some other school work.   I was worried about it all day and was distracted by home improvement ideas.

I was also distracted by more thoughts about the metaphor of addiction as the rapacious creditor.  I thought about the reading that says that every instinct cries out against the admission of powerlessness or of defeat.  Then it dawned on me that this is where the predatory nature of addiction is critical. Because when I was asked to turn over my will and life, every instinct cried out against that.  I need to know that the addiction will control my will it if I do not turn it over.  I must turn my instincts against the disease or I will fall right into it's trap.  But, by turning over my will I receive true freedom.

I had the notion that I should call the incommunicado sponsee again so I did so.  He was grateful for my call and confessed to a slip.  I was thankful for the opportunity to encourage him to get back on track at this critical juncture and to seek greater willingness.

I had this moment when I was walking with my son outside of his summer camp and he was telling me about his day and I was grateful for our life together.

In the evening I went to my class and the test went well although it is questionable if I passed.  I was finished earlier than expected and thought about going to a meeting but decided (or was guided) that it would be more fair to my wife to go home and help with the kids.  It proved to be the right choice.

Thanks be to God.

Late Monday night (Tue morn. actually) I could not sleep and my cycle got thrown off.  Tuesday morning after feeding and dropping off the kids I fell asleep studying and didn't wake up until noon.  I was anxious over a test due this week and really needed to prep.  As I did so I got really stressed out when I made a lot of mistakes and made very slow progress.  The prep test was 60+ problems and I felt overwhelmed.  Nevertheless in the afternoon I went in to take it with trepidation and low expectations.

As I sat down with the test and tried to resist my anxiety it occurred to me to say a prayer.  I had a eureka moment and felt an immediate change of attitude.  I got through the test fairly quickly, it was a lot easier and shorter than I expected.  I am not sure that I passed as I might have done some problems the wrong way but I was grateful to get through it.

I had a nagging feeling to call a sponsee who has not called me but I never found time.
I felt like I should have done more school work besides the test but looking back it was all I could do that day.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  We talked about step one from the first page of the twelve and twelve.  I talked about my inability to truly admit that I was an addict until I took the steps.  The metaphor of the rapacious creditor stood out to me and someone else in the meeting shared about this concept.  I had a thought but wasn't sure where I was going with it.

Thanks be to God.