This Wednesday morning was another repeat of the previous days this week.   After breakfast I struggled to focus on and retain my studies of math and computer network systems.  I had a sinking feeling like I was stuck in quicksand and can't get out.  I dread the coming semester and I feel tired all the time.

I had to shift to psychology to prepare for my class in the evening.   After about an hour of this prep I thought that I was wasting my time because this material is so easy for me and we will just be discussing it in class.  I should have spent my time continuing working on my other subjects.

My intro to Psych class was a refreshing interlude in this week.  As we moved through each subject I get immersed in them and have insightful thoughts and ideas.  As we spoke about anorexia a person in class asked the typical question, "I don't understand why it is considered a disease if this is caused by all these societal factors."  I could't resist commenting on this one.  I raised my hand ad the teacher called on me.  I asked the teacher if it could be that the behavior or bad habit becomes a disease when it passes a threshold of severity where the person loses control of it and it has a severe affect on the important areas of the person's life and impairs the normal functioning of the person.  It meets the criteria of a disease and is chronic, progressive, and fatal.

When I came home that evening everything came to a point of critical mass.  I saw that there is no way that I am going to complete my school work.  I rethought everything and had a eureka moment.   I decided to change majors and pursue a career that applies psychology.

This Tuesday morning I had a vivid dream that I went to visit my sponsor at his shop and he was in the midst of a relapse.  He tempted me to join him.  It was a very weird yet intimately familiar circumstance.  

We woke up very late and I had to rush off and get the kids to camp without morning prayer.  I prayed with the kids.

I had a terrible time focusing on my studies today and was interrupted numerous times.  I was very distressed about my school situation.

In the evening I never could get back on track.

The kids had a great time at camp and are back into the swing of things.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday morning the kids were back to summer camp.  This meant that I had to spend more time getting them ready in the morning.

Then my wife needed me to help her get her car to the shop.

I had several distractions that interrupted me from doing my math or much of my network studies.  After cleaning up the house and going through the laundry my wedding ring was still missing.  I worried because on Sunday while cleaning in the garage I heard some things drop in the trash and I was only able to retrieve one which was a screw.  The garbage went out this morning and I wished I would have searched it.  I prayed for my ring and my marriage.

I had my psych class in the evening so I had to prepare for that.   We discussed some great material about child development which was very beneficial to me.  Every parent should take this class.

Afterward I got to go to a meeting.   A guy brought a topic about the value of prayer.   I thought of how I could not see the value of prayer based on my old idea of prayer as needless flattery directed towards God who does not need this.  This, as it often did back then, led me to doubt the effectiveness of the 12 steps.  My thoughts drifted, as they often did back then, to how I could make my own sobriety program.  I thought of how I could affect a psychic change by making a deliberate effort at the beginning of every day to direct my thinking towards a productive set of behaviors and then strive all day to redirect my thinking every time it went down the old paths.  My first thought was that it wouldn't work because it was willpower based.   My second thought was "what if you invited God in to help?"  Then it dawned on me.   Perhaps this was a type of prayer, a type that would have a practical and effective application.

Things got better from there on.

After the meeting I got into a discussion with a couple of friends about an enlarged spiritual life through Jesus Christ.  One guy was newer than I thought and I worried that our discussion might have disturbed his faith. But, I realized that it was a chance that had to be taken and that he invited the discussion and God probably arranged the circumstances of the guy locking his keys in the car for that reason.

Thanks be to God

Last night a new guy said something that stuck with me as an addition to my spiritual vocabulary, it is the concept that I must "replace my thinking."  Later I thought of an application of the concept in that I am always telling my son to change his attitude.  Perhaps it would be better to tell him to "replace" his attitude.

The kids were well behaved at mass today.  Our gospel reading was about the good Samaritan.

I noticed my wedding ring was missing today.  I thought of three ways that it might have been lost.  I worried about how my wife and I have been bickering lately.  I worried about how she found a ring recently and didn't turn it in.

This morning I woke up and watched the animated Gospel stories with the kids.  We watched the story of Jesus as a boy in the temple, His baptism, and the 40 days in the desert when He had to be tested and persevere in God's will.  I related to Him in both accounts, as a boy speaking provisionally to the authorities in the temple about the true nature of the law as the means but that the ends, or faith in the heart was what was truly important.   Also, in His time in the desert I thought of how I must persevere in my current isolation and accept that it is God's will for me.

During the day I started running on self-propulsion.  I never really lost my temper or anything but at some point I lost my gratitude at a low level.  It was a really good and productive day.  I got some homework done last night and this morning and I kept the kids fed and monitored TV and got them outside some.  The house was clean and I did an emergency repair on a broken drawer.  But, when my wife came home I should have had a better attitude.

I got to go to a meeting where they read "each person is like an actor" again.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday I didn't got out of bed and get going until mid morning. Even then I was groggy and not really ready to go.  I was disappointed with myself for this.  I did however wake up on time and pray.

I never really did get very productive other than feeding and attending to the kids.   My wife sent me on an errand early that was not necessary but it did me some good to get out into the world.

I tried to fix my weed eater so I could finish some yard work but was not very successful although I did get part of the work done.
I tried to work through some home work but only got a chapter and practice exercises done.
I tried to talk to my visiting niece about mental health and good character but didn't feel very successful.
I tried to get the kids to play outside and didn't think that I succeeded so I took them to the park in the evening.
I read about Lindsay Lohan and wanted to go to a 12 step meeting but felt obligated to stay with the kids.
I felt anxious, worried, and fearful about school, finances, and my sobriety today.

While I was at the park pushing my daughters on the swings, the youngest one said "Daddy, I love this day."   She went on, "I love this park, I love you, I love my sister and brothers."

Thanks be to God for a change of attitude.

P.S. I realized later that on Thursday I had symptoms of a respiratory virus.  So I know now that I overslept because my body was recovering.  Again, thanks to God for the insight that helped me further to get back to a positive outlook.

My wife was gone today again to a funeral.  My mom was here helping with the kids.   Nevertheless, I was disappointed with the rate of my progress.  I had to deliberately work for acceptance and a positive outlook over my school work.  

We had fun in the interludes and meals today.  My mom got to spend some great time wit the kids.

A friend in sobriety called today when I was preparing dinner.  I should have made the effort to take the call.  I never called him back but intend to do so tomorrow.

After dropping my mom off I was driving home alone on a country road looking at the gray sky when suddenly I felt the urge to go and have a few drinks.  The weird thing is that it lasted about 30 seconds.  I was completely aware of it and was just astounded at how that happens.  I just turned my thoughts away, actually it just went away, but I need to pray about it.

I didn't go drink and I ran some productive errands and made it home safely.   I did my quiz that completes my work that was due monday.

Thanks be to God.