This morning I got off to a good start.  The part of our parental duties that I did was shuttle the kids to camp.

Back at home after breakfast I got really tired and fell asleep.  I felt remorseful at not being more productive.   But, I did waker up and get going.  I really felt back on track today after what was a really bizarre, intense disconnection and then recovery this weekend.

I got a little resentful this afternoon as I repeatedly tried to do school work and my daughter kept interrupting me.  But I tried to trust God that what needed to get done, would get done, when it needed to get done, and I tried to think of my daughter's and wife's needs and appreciate that I get to be a part of their lives.

Right on cue an email came to my inbox granting an extension on my homework.  I got to watch an episode of Intervention and I felt another renewal of enthusiasm for participating in the recovery of others.  I realized that I had been falling into doubt, even regret, about my choice of education in addiction counseling.  On the way to pick up the kids it occurred to me that this could be for God's will and that I should ignore the apparent obstacles and trust that he will find the way in which I will apply this profession.  I also received an edification to fully commit myself to pursuing this education.

At 6:30 I made a choice to go to a meeting.  I didn't want to do this again.  My impulse was to avoid contention with my wife, I suspected she would not be enthusiastic about this.  But. I remembered my renewed commitment to help others in recovery and chose to let her own her feelings and to place my dependence on God.  She asked me to do the dishes first, so I did.

I got to go to the meeting and see people laugh, cry, stomp out angrily and share passionately about recovery.  The topic was "Rarely have we seen a person fail..." as read from the original manuscript.  I regretted that I didn't get my thoughts completed well enough to share in time.  I realized that 6 years ago just before I got sober this term, I had the experience with this reading in which I realized I was one of those "unfortunates".

Thanks be to God.

This evening

This morning I woke up feeling anxious and worried.  I still could not stop running my story through my head in preparation for my talk at the treatment center.  I tried my best to pray and pray and turn my thoughts away but still struggled.  I took comfort in the fact that I managed to get it together in my thoughts and get through it.  At this point my story began to coalesce on the all the times I had to get sober and how I always got distracted by my material needs and worldly affairs.

I felt really weird alone in the home, with sore legs and feeling unrested.  I felt as if I had been up all night on a binge.

At noon I went to the treatment center and the talk went very well.  Afterward, many people approached me and gave me their thanks.

I came home and was able to relax and get some math work done.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting.  We talked about the distraction of material needs and worldly affairs.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday was a very odd day.  I got off to a good start and took a long walk in the park, something I need to do more often.  I came home, cleaned the house and got settled in to catch up on my homework.   I was optimistic about being productive this day because my children and wife were still away on vacation and I was past the work and rest of the first day.  Then I got a call from a treatment center, it was a staff member friend asking me to go and speak for the family session. This was great news and I was pleased with the opportunity.  But then I became exceedingly distracted and paced the house back and forth for the next three hours going over and over my story.  At early evening I was stressed out anxious and powerless to stop my story from running in my head.

I talked to my wife and decided to go to a meeting to get out of myself.  It was speaker night and a good friend was telling his story.  It was a good talk but the guy was nervous and it made me more anxious.  I did my best to resist these feelings, went to the yogurt shop with some friends and came home to sleep.  I tossed and turned and relived my life all night.

May God's will be done, thanks be to God.

This morning I got up super-early to help my wife and kids off on a 4 day trip to the beach without me.  I had very conflicted feelings about this.  But, I had to stay out of the way and let my wife do what she thinks she needs to do and let God decide if it is right for her or not.  Meanwhile I had to stick to the best choice for my sanity and stay.

I got to do some much needed cleaning and I caught a great program about the big bang theory.  While the program did the usual false dichotomy of the church against Galileo and science, I was surprised to see that the attitude was much more greatly improved there was significant attention given to the role and contribution of religion and churchmen to astronomy.  I was also impressed in how Georges Lemaitre was featured.  I began to think of a new idea that draws a parallel between the shift from geocentrism to heliocentrism to the shift from legalism to theocentrism (as initiated by Christ) in religion.  Perhaps a more fitting dichotomy would be that between anthropocentrism and theocentrism.  Perhaps this is written into the stars themselves.

I had an attack of troubling feelings after cleaning up in the morning.  I fell asleep several times during the day and was very unproductive and isolated.  I felt like I was in a deep depression by late afternoon.  I prayed to be willing to let God change me and asked for Him to do so.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  The topic was again the reading "acceptance is the answer".  I thought again about how the reading offers this insight about acceptance and can sometimes be treated as another practice of the program.  I thought about how acceptance is a virtue and how I could not effectively practice virtues prior to the process of egocentric deconstruction, amends, and spiritual development.  I shared about how I struggled to accept the program even though I thought I knew I was an addict.  I remembered when I heard a guy describe how the obsession drove him against his will and I thought about how a few days after each of my binges the switch flipped in my head and drove me like a robot to the first hit.  I realized this was plain insanity and I received acceptance of my disease through the sharing from this guy.

I wished that I would have been able to say it that concisely in the meeting.  I also regretted adding on to that in commenting on a point of struggle of the topic bearer.  I need to remember to limit my sharing to the reading.

I felt a lot better after the meeting.  I also remembered that my troubles are sometimes the unavoidable consequence of being human.  I sometimes get physically sick, tired, and miss my family but I always have a process to cope with it.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday I did a good deal of  math work in the morning and then turned to psychology study for a test in the evening.

I got to spend a good deal of time with my kids.  My wife and I are warming up to each other but are still experiencing a great deal of distance due to our school and her choices (or my attitude toward them).

I was very anxious going into the test but prayed for calm and received it.  I think I did good.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife woke up first and I was worried that she would gripe at me for not jumping out of bed as it was late.  But I felt a special need to stay and pray.

Several times today I had to change direction and was ok with it.  As I was driving home from dropping off the kids I thought of a new perspective on self control.

I was grateful to get some math work done today.

I found myself feeling critical of my wife and thinking that I am too far separated from my recovery program and fellowship.

I got to play bocce ball, throw baseballs, and watch a game with my sons.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I was very disappointed at not getting enough school work done.

I found myself anxious and stressed out going into my psychology class.

I went to a 12 step meeting after class.  I felt really weird about my part as a member of the fellowship.  After listening I felt better but I began to sense that my understanding of the human psyche has shifted a bit.  I was disappointed that I couldn't contribute to the meeting.  Afterward I realized that I had been too focused on what the speaker said and not on what she read.  If I had just commented on what she read I would have been able to  carry the message.

Thanks be to God.