This morning we got off to mass without a hitch.  My wife led the children's liturgy and I was grateful that we were able to serve as a family.  I was also grateful that we were able to sit in the sanctuary amongst our friends.  Our Gospel reading was a difficult one about entering the kingdom through the narrow gate.  The hymn "How great thou art" was sung and I took in the words intently for the first time ever.  I was deeply moved and had moments of overwhelming gratitude during which I could not sing.

After mass my wife and I had a nice little discussion about the teaching of the Gospel.  I was exceedingly grateful for this.  There was also a moment after mass when we took the walk through the path on the church grounds to the cross and statue of Mary.  I sat down on a bench and my two sons knelt before the cross and my youngest daughter kissed the statue.  It was a moment I wish that I had captured on film.

Today was my older daughter's birthday.  I was the one to wake her up and be the first to tell her happy birthday.  Looking back this is a huge deal for me because I have never been the first to remember anyone's birthday.  I got to have a great time celebrating her birthday with my brother-in-law and my mom.  I wish my dad could have made it.

I got to talk to a brother in sobriety today.  One of my sponsees had a chance encounter with him at a gas station when my brother saw that he had a big book.  It was a God moment for them both, and me too.

Today  and yesterday I thought a lot about my story and about the path of sobriety.  I thought about the absolute necessity of an attitude of humility.  I thought about how it is can be received through the humiliation of hitting bottom, or as an act of the will, by taking appropriate action.  I also thought about how I didn't get a chance to share about the spiritual experience the other night but then was asked to share my story that night. Then a guy talked to me about how a teacher of ours despised stories.  I thought perhaps this was my sign to make the spiritual experience the theme of my talk.

Tonight we all prepared to go back to school tomorrow.

I thought a bit about coaching little league baseball and found a new sense of confidence I had not previously had.

I have had so much thought about things in the past two days, I wish I could remember it all, but I trust that God will allow me to retrieve what I need when I need it.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning after rousing and feeding the kids, I went to the ball field to complete their registration.  I ran into the commissioner who is also the coach of our team.  I had an embarrassing moment where I walked up to him as he was talking to someone and realized that they were having an intense conversation about some issue the guy had.  My phone radio started playing  and it took me a long time to get it to stop.  Nevertheless, I had a good conversation about strategies when our sons move up and he informed me that my son would likely be good enough to play select baseball.

A little later in the morning I spoke to my sponsee and he said that our step talk for 1-3 was very helpful to him.  I was grateful for the opportunity to be of service.

My wife went to work in the afternoon leaving me with the kids for the evening which meant that I couldn't go to the meeting at my 12 step home group which I want to serve.

I got a surprise visit from an old childhood acquaintance.  His beer breathe almost knocked me over and he was very animated.  He went through vivid accounts of life in our neighborhood when were kids and I saw that he had this glorious vision of that time.  I was not so enthusiastic and had a stand offish attitude toward him.  I never invited him in and my smaller children came outside and interrupted us alot. I felt bad afterward because I was not more hospitable but after some thought I realized that I had set an appropriate boundary.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early, said prayers, and got the kids fed.  After this it was a lot of work to get them outside and to get them to play and practice well.

I was glad to see my wife talking to her friends.

I spent the rest of the day tending to the kids.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  The topic was the spiritual experience.  I was disappointed that I couldn't get my thought compiled into a three minute share in time.  After the meeting a friend asked me to share my story next month.  Then I got to meet with a sponsee and get him through step 3.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday after breakfast I hit a point of aimlessness.  My wife was in full back-to-school drive and I felt as if there were important things to be done but I couldn't bring them to mind.  The kids were particularly distracting to me this day, I was in a generally confused state.  I had some trouble in my morning prayers in contrast to the clarity I had the day before.  Perhaps I was just tired from the swimming the day before.   I never felt productive all day.  Perhaps a list of what I did do with the day would be in order as a form of gratitude.

I made breakfast for the kids.
I went to the campus to take forms for school.
I got the kids outside in the morning to ride bikes and practice baseball.
I made the kids lunch.
I talked to a sponsee.
I helped get the kids served their dinner.
I got the kids bathed.
I played bocce ball with the kids in the evening.

I had to get after the kids a lot this day and my oldest son had a major attitude problem.  I applied our disciplinary principles and made him write sentences and it helped a lot.  At first he was defiant and I thought he might escalate into a melt down but after receiving greater amounts of sentences he conformed.  As the day went on he had a better attitude and I even had some proud moments when he talked to me about faith matters.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we woke up on time again and I got the kids outside to play after breakfast.  We did a better job of making them earn video game time through chores and practice.

My wife and I were more talkative to each other today although I have not yet made formal amends with her yet.

At midday the boys and I rode our bikes to the park and went for a swim.  My youngest did not want to get in the big pool at first but changed his mind after about forty five minutes.  Eventually he started trying to kick and paddle to me.  My oldest actually dove from the diving board and swam for the first time.  He had been jumping and dog paddling only.

I talked to a sponsee in the afternoon.

In the evening I got to go to the ballpark and sign up the kids for little league.  Then I got to go to a meeting.  It was a newcomers meeting, the topic was having a changed attitude. I was struck by how many regulars (not newcomers) there were there.  I wondered how many meetings they go to if I see them at so many at all times of the day on the off occasion that I go there.  I was also struck by the way that the sober people spoke to them.  Many had some good things to say but they talked down to them and told them what they should do.  I thought back to the meeting a few days ago when many people talked about how we should not talk down to the new man or preach as from a spiritual hilltop.  I thought about using provisional language.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got up early again and got the kids outside after feeding them.  I had them play in the circle out front for an hour and then we took a bike ride to the park.  I was glad that we didn't sell the bike trailer at our garage sale.

I remembered to make the kids earn video game time with chores and baseball practice again.

At midday I called a friend and talked over the examination of my resentment from yesterday.  Interestingly, he had an even worse event that he needed to share.  This helped minimize my remorse and find my gratitude for the life I get to live.

My wife worked in the evening so I never did get a chance to make amends.  Although I admit that I should have tried anyway.

I got to talk to a sponsee this afternoon.

In the evening I made a nice dinner for the kids and I made the pool for them and put it under the slide.  they had a blast.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday got off to a great start.  I woke up early and made breakfast for the kids after completing my prayers with clarity.  After breakfast I got my oldest son to do a baseball practice to earn video game time.  Then I took the younger kids on a walk to the neighborhood park. We had a great little time there, I read the daily reflections and mass readings while the kids played on the playscape.  I read about making amends and about the delusion of worldly power and wealth.   I most enjoyed playing the troll under the bridge and chasing them in the shady garden.

When I got back I washed our vehicles and cleaned up in the garage.  While we were at home I turned on Fr. Corapi's talk about angels.  I was glad to see my son paying attention and then we watched a program about the ten commandments.

In the afternoon I took the boys to Sports Clips and we all got hair cuts.  I was disappointed in myself for not asking for ones and then tipping 5 dollars for each one of us. After the haircuts I took my son to buy a video game.

I wanted to got to a meeting tonight but chose not to as it would probably upset my wife.  Instead I began watching the LLWS with the kids.  At some point around this time, I started to be less energetic and responsive to the kids.  My wife got very angry at some of the things I let them do or did not respond to.  She   started yelling at them and then blew up at the girls and put the things that they did not clean up in a trash bag. Without thinking about it I got up and started arguing with her to stop being ugly to them.  We bickered a bit and then I blew up at her and kicked a box and punched a portrait on the wall and broke it.  She that was it that she wanted a divorce.   I was very disappointed that I lost my temper so badly.  I haven't done this in over a year.

My wife and I didn't talk the rest of the night.  She went to bed early and I put the kids to bed and said prayers with them.

I thought about how I must have gradually let myself fall back to believing that anger and arguing is an appropriate response.  I must be afraid that she is not disciplining the children in a way that I deem appropriate.  Even though I was very upset at my conduct, I was grateful that it didn't get worse and that I have a process to work out of it.

Thanks be to God.