This morning I had to change direction  and come back home to pick up an assignment that I forgot to print out. Thank fully I made it to class on time.  I had to make a concerted effort not to think about the telling of my story constantly throughout the day today.

The children got off to a good start and when I dropped off the little ones they both stayed without any fuss.

I actually woke up late and didn't get any prayer in until I sat down to pray with the kids.

My first class was very interesting, we did an assignment in which we developed parental strategy for child development at a particular stage in their growth.  We broke out in groups and my classmates all started throwing ideas out chaotically.  I waited and reiterated what they said framed by the key points of the stage description and they asked me if I would be the speaker.  I became engrossed in this project when I realized that it would serve as a presentation for my other class as well.

On the walk back I resolved to make a better effort to return calls and I called a sponsee who I have not spoken to much recently.  We had a lengthy and fruitful conversation.  In talking about his spouse I gained insight into the relationship with mine.

My wife tried to be lighthearted and affectionate with me a couple of times today.  I pulled away from this even though I had a good attitude with her for the most part.  I realize that this must be selfish and I am confused about my feelings.  I guess that I do not like to pretend nothing has happened and just superficially get over it.  Plus her delight was over material objects that she purchased.  I know I have to let this go or talk to her about it.  I am afraid that I must tell her some difficult truths.

When I arrived at my second class I realized that I did not complete an assignment.  I felt like a slacker.  I also felt negligent for not keeping up with the reading and not having my head in the information.  I tried to change my attitude and made a good effort to participate.  I spoke to the professor and completed the assignment tonight.

I got to lay with my sons and put them to sleep tonight.
I got wake up and get caught up on my work.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early again but less focused than yesterday.  I found myself running my story through my head in anticipation of telling it on Friday.  I had to stop myself and wait for the right time to rehearse it and try not to worry.

After dropping off the kids I went straight to school an hour early.  I rehearsed my story and managed to pare the first two thirds down well. I got through the whole thing save for some loose ends at the end when speaking about how things are now.

My human services course was again very interesting.  I noted a tendency in my professor to separate primitive treatment of social ills on religion as opposed to primitive methods.  I noticed that my text states that the Roman Catholic church was the first large scale provider of social services.  I got a good grade on my paper about why I want to help people.

After school I came home ate lunch and became engrossed in my studies.  My wife called me at 1:20 and reminded me that my youngest daughter's class was dismissed at 1:00.  I ran out of the house thinking that I had forgotten her and that I was late.  Later my wife informed me that she has aftercare and that I was not late.  Even now I have a remorseful feeling that I messed up.  I added it to my calendar just to be sure.

This afternoon my son stopped with a very concerned look on his face and said that he had a question.  He asked me "what if there is no God?"  I quickly gave him a good answer and talked him through his concerns.  But now I realize that I didn't ask him what triggered this thought.  This evening I find myself worrying about money.  I need to trust in Him.

Thanks be to God.

This morning it was nice and cool so I decided to take my son to practice baseball at the park.  I had to feed the kids as my wife slept in so by the time we got out there it was pretty hot.  We persevered despite the heat and got in a good session.  My son hit the ball well, there were many more balls in the field than in the backstop.  I saw a segment in the little league world series later in the day in which the kids that are the coaches sons and their dads were interviewed.  They talked about how it was such a special privilege to have their fathers present as many of their teammates do not, or for that matter did not even have them in their lives.  But, they all talked about what a truly awesome experience it was to be teammates with their dads and go through the experience with them on the field.  As I thought of how lucky they were, I realized this is me and my son.  We may not be at the LLWS, but we get to have this experience together.

In the afternoon my wife took all the kids swimming at their cousin's neighborhood pool.  I stayed home and begrudgingly pulled out my leadership in therapeutic recreation textbook to study.  I really didn't want to do this as I had coaching baseball on my mind and I wanted to watch the games to learn as much as possible.  I am worried that I will have to take on a more active role as an assistant this fall and I don't feel knowledgeable enough.  Well, low and behold, it didn't even occur to me that coaching baseball is leadership in recreation.  I thought that the team philosophy I will teach the boys will be attitude, effort, and execution.  I will guide them to focus on working as an orderly team, giving a full effort, and executing plays, rather than making emotional demands on them to win.

I got to go to a 12 step meeting tonight.  It was a speaker meeting with a friend telling his story.  I thought about how I will tell my story next week at another meeting.  I got to see 2 friends celebrate sobriety anniversaries for multiples of years.  I got to have several nice conversations with individuals going through spiritual growth and discernment.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday I got off to a good start, I woke up early enough to get my head on straight in prayer and meditation before feeding the kids and getting them off to school. This morning I did breakfast and prep and my wife took them.

Today I had my second Psych of Personal Adjustment class.  As I was preparing to leave the house, I realized that I had a homework assignment that I hadn't been able to complete.  I had to rush through it but fortunately it was question and answer and I had some good coffee and my thoughts came together successfully.

In the class we did  an interesting exercise of drawing a map of our life story with crayons.  I drew mine based on Jellinek's diagram of the downward progression of addiction and the upward progression of recovery.  I applied this on a lifelong scope by starting with an upward path of development when I was a child.  I placed important relationships and milestones on it, loving mother, guiding father, religious devotion, academic excellence, team sports, etc.  Then the path changes direction in the teenage years, it starts into a downward slip when I started partying, drinking, and taking drugs.  This progresses into the abyss until I hit bottom in my early twenties.

My adult life is marked with a substantial period of dry abstinence but no upward trend.  This is followed by a return to a party lifestyle with period descents into small spirals and bottoms and living as a quasi-functional addict/alcoholic.  During this time I acquired a wife, a career, and some hobbies which I used at intervals to keep my addiction at bay.  Eventually however, they all stopped working and my addiction asserted itself and overwhelmed everything good in life.

I went to my first treatment and had an epiphany about the nature of my condition.   I learned about the disease concept and the need to prioritize recovery.  It didn't stick however and I descended  once again into an even worse death spiral of addiction and the hardest bottom of my life.  Here I found the willingness to take direction and completely give myself to a recovery process.

I represent the point that my life changed with another flash of epiphany like the first treatment except bigger.  this was like the launching of a rocket that gave me enough altitude to escape the gravitational pull of the black hole I was in.  This was a spiritual awakening in which I discovered an aspect of life that had always been obscured from me by my own fixed perceptions.  Here was where I found a concept of a Higher Power that could command and restrain the psychic demons that had hijacked my will.  From here I show the path on an uphill track that surpasses my childhood development.

The reason I show it higher than the first 12 years of my life is because I have a life today that is better than good.  My state of being is no longer limited by the state of my circumstances in the material world, but all my needs are met.  I don't have financial security or material prosperity but I have a loving family and a host of friends with whom I share a common philosophy of living, something that I never had before save for a destructive one. I show milestones in life such as emotional stability, motivational recovery, discovery of purpose, children, in short, self-actualization as concentric ripples on the upward path.

I had a moment in the parking garage where I was ascending the west stairwell overlooking the part of town around Shoal creek from an angle that I had never seen before.  I stopped for a second and just took it in.

In the afternoon I went to my human growth and development class.  There was a woman in there that caught my attention.  She was constantly in motion and made bizarre expressions and gestures.  She did a sort of dance that I am very familiar with, it is the tweaker twitch.  It is the dance of death that I have often seen in women with the disease of severe addiction and late stage alcoholism.  I probably wouldn't mention it except that I wondered a lot about her circumstances.  I wondered what her life is like, she has that homeless person tan and skin texture.  Then in the evening I met a person at Dairy Queen near the campus to buy a text book for the class.  While I was there the woman from the class emerged from a hole in the fence behind the building.  She was carrying several large dairy queen cups and a water jug which she filled with water.  On top of that, the person drove up with the book and she was a student from the class that had to drop.  She recognized the woman also.

My wife didn't have to work this evening and I got to watch a little league world series game with the kids.  I was grateful that all my needs are provided for.

Thanks be to God for this life.

This Wednesday was a very busy and productive day.  After getting the kids going I went to my social services orientation class.  The instructor gave and interesting lecture about the various orientation of social service workers and their tendency to offer their pet type of therapy be it 12 step, religious, psych meds, or psychosocial, for every person that needs help.  The common thread that I saw was the idea that we need to break our fixed perspectives.

After class I saw some classmates sitting at a bench outside smoking.  I went and sat with them and we had a very interesting discussion about our career choice and about recovery.  The weather was a little nicer as a cool front blew in and there was a breeze.  On my way home I thought perhaps I should catch a meeting.  I tried to call my wife and check with her.  I stopped in for lunch and she called me back and chewed me out for not being home yet as she had class and expected me to know about it.   I wanted to lash out but had to pray to resist.  As I payed for my food I encountered and old friend from high school who asked about my brother. I replied that I don't see him often and I suppose it is because I have to get after him about his parental delinquency every time I see him.   I was disappointed in myself for talking this way.  I realized afterward that there is a reason that I need to reply this way because I want to offer an explanation for why we don't see each other often that addresses the real issue, but that I need to speak in less pejorative terms.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. I went to Living Faith.  The topic was discipline.  I met a new friend and saw and old one.

When I came home my wife chewed me out because she said that we only talked about me 'possibly' going to a meeting.  I found myself getting resentful to her.

I got to watch Texas play in the LLWS with my sons.

Thanks be to God

As I was getting started in the morning I thought about the amends that I still haven't formally made to my wife for my angry tirade last week.  My thoughts drifted towards minimizing the need to do this and rationalizing not doing it at all.  Just then I heard her griping at a kid needlessly and cussing.  I stomped over to her and griped at her to control herself.  I realized that I could easily have cascaded into an angry outburst and that in that moment I needed to back off and I did.  It occurred to me that this is exactly why I should have made amends quickly and still need to do so.

In my classes today I realized just how fortunate I am for this opportunity.  I had a great deal of enthusiasm for life and my educational path today.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday was the first day back to school.  Looking back on it, I am amazed at how my family has come together.  We were all prepared and well rested and got to school on time.

My experience at school was quite interesting.  The first thing that I caught my attention was how so many people felt like they had to dress themselves provocatively to express a compelling and exceptional identity.  I wondered if this need to decorate themselves on the outside was reflective of an inability to be secure in a compelling identity on the inside.

In the afternoon my wife showed me the syllabus for her philosophy class.  I was dumbstruck over the blatant anti-Christian bias expressed by the professor.  This occupied far too much of my thoughts the rest of the day but I found a great deal of satisfaction and bonding with my wife in our discussion about it.

There was so much more to this day than I can remember and I thought of some ideas that have a profound implication for my story but I just can't remember them and I wish that I could.

Thanks be to God for this day.