This Saturday morning I woke up feeling like I was on the mend but still feeling the effects of my ailment. At midmorning my son had a baseball game. I was worried as to how well I would be able to finction but all went well. My son did great, he kept a good attitude and didn't make any mistakes. I have to say that his play is the best it has ever been. Even though he is not a naturally gifted athlete, he has put in the work and it shows. At one point, one of the other coaches looked at me and said that he has a commanding presence on the mound. It was the greatest thing that a man could hear about his son.

At one point in the morning I looked up and realized what a glorious day it was. The fall weather that morning was perfect and my son was getting to play the game that he sees every night on TV in the playoffs. There was a flock of grackles circling the ballpark and landing in the outfield. At one point they came flying overhead in waves. It was a captivating site and I couldn't help but think this was the greatest day of my life - so far.

In the evening my wife was working. I managed to have the energy to get the house picked up and the kids fed early. So we all went to the park and had a great time. I wished that I could make a meeting but will have to go another day.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I briefly thought about turning over one's will as conformity. But not just conformity in general but as conformity to the right set of ideals. Ideals that transcend human nature. All religions and sects provide such ideals so long as the emphasis is on personal reform not cultural demands. I also thought of how recovered addicts fall into the trap of extremism. It is because we are examples of extreme self centeredess. I also thought of how selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear are at the heart of all personality disorders.

This Tuesday morning when I entered class I suddenly remembered an helpful task that I did last week. During the class, the subject material triggered a thought that I needed to journal from the day before. Knowing that I would likely forget, I wrote it down right there in class. Later when I was reviewing the day, I was able to retrieve it. It occurred to me that I should make this a practice to jot things down as they occur during the day to help with the problem that I have been having of neglecting this vital practice. It just so happened that as I thought of this I had several of these things on my mind so when I sat down I started writing down journal notes for the past 3 days. As I was doing this, the professor walked back and forth and then settled in right near me. I realized that it might look as if I were doing other homework in her class. Thankfully I got the important points down by this time. I was very happy to make these notes, and to be able to catch up on reviews, as this was a very busy weekend and I am behind. This was one of those small occurrences that could go a long way in improving my outlook on things and helping me stay connected.

The professor talked about relationships today. One interesting idea she conveyed was the way in which we discuss our problems with others and sometimes take actions based on those conversations. She showed and illustration of triangles in which the three points were three individuals involved. The husband and wife for example, were points 1 and 2 and the wife's friend was point 3. In each case there was an arrow going back and forth illustrating communication between parties. The wife and husband discuss an issue and then the wife discusses it with the friend. The communication from the husband to the friend was I believe given from the wife in proxy for the husband. My professor showed how this pattern expands every time that a person is added and an unhealthy matrix forms. To me I thought this also illustrates how poor communication forms and bad decisions are made because party number 2 is not actually communicating for themselves. This means that the feedback received is not sound because of the potential for a distorted rendering of party #2's position. Objectivity is lost and bad ideas are perpetuated.

In the afternoon I finished my observation report from the weekend and did some math homework. I was pleased to get the report completed. I got more worried about math, which I am falling further behind on. I barely read anything on my book report but then I remembered that I still have another day, that it is not due tomorrow. I was very relieved about this, almost ecstatic. It was as if another day was miraculously dropped in to this week to help me out. Ironic that I had an experience with the perception of time.

In the evening we had a tee ball game. All went well getting there albeit a bit stressful getting everyone together. As the game went on my daughter began acting up the way she has been in the past 2 games. Her mouth got hurt when her brother bumped the water jug she was drinking from. She whined incessantly over this and got everyone to attend to her including my wife who came into the dugout. She missed her at bat unbeknownst to me as I was doing batting warm-ups and another guy was sending them in. Then on the field she continued her drama. Funny thing though, the very first batter hit a ball straight to her. She was drooping her shoulders and sticking her chin up in the air disapproving of my lack of sympathy for her plight and she instinctively reached down and caught the ball and threw it to first base. She didn't get the out but everyone cheered at the fine play. Nevertheless, from then on it was downhill and she was a big distraction. Each of the other coaches tried to get her to cooperate. Each tried their technique of cajoling her with kindness as I was clearly flustered. They all failed but eventually she did turn her attitude around when she accidentally started laughing with one of her friends. Her misbehavior seemed contagious as all of the kids began to play with each other and dig in the dirt and ignore baseball. At one point it looked like a free for all with an army of assistant coaches desperately trying to get the kids focused on the game. This was especially embarrassing as we were playing the best team, coached by the head of the umpires association, with kids that make run down tags and throw outs. But those kids seemed to have the same problem and he was preoccupied keeping them in it too.

My son (the kid with autism) had a great game. He played second base and covered the base every time. He actually looked like a baseball player. He caught a grounder and threw it to first. He played pitcher and made several run downs. He batted well and slid into home when he got around. He was very proud that he got to wear sliding pants today.

This evening I thought about my friend's invitation to speak at the treatment center. I finally spoke to my wife about it. I realized that I should make a better effort to accept this invitation. I felt obliged to give back for the blessings that I have received.

Thanks be to God.

I woke up this Monday with each important task in my week on my mind, My book report due Wednesday, my observation report due Tuesday, my son's baseball instruction, my math homework that I am behind on, the house work and laundry that needs to get done, the yardwork, and the call that I got from my friend about speaking at a treatment center.

I had to exert myself to stop the whirlwind in my mind. I had to let go of my tendency to delve into each issue and try and think everything through only to digress into another one. I had to pray for order and priority and patience. I had to let go and let God guide me through them at the appropriate time, even if that means the eleventh hour.

It occurred to me this day that I am not addressing the ongoing disagreement with the decisions, attitudes, and actions that my wife takes. This has been simmering for some time and she and I are almost distant on a daily basis now. Guess that my disagreement could be best stated as a boundary that I have had to set because she always seems to need me to buy into her level of life management. I am going along with her plan but reluctantly. What sucks is that we are doing what I would like to be accomplishing in life in an education and time raising our children. But, I feel that if she could communicate better then we could place ourselves in a less stressful and secure position. If she could become open to doing fewer of the things that she thinks are important then she would not have an unmanageable life, and would be less angry at me. She would not need so much from me and would not have so many unmet expectations.

I know this can't be healthy for me to take her inventory, but I feel that I can't ignore it any longer.

This Sunday we made it to mass on time in the morning. The kids behaved much better today.

In the afternoon my oldest son had baseball practice. I had a strange feeling that something was not effective about the practice but I couldn't place my finger on it. Perhaps it was ineffective communication with the boys. Or it seemed that we coaches weren't quite sure how to explain what we needed to work on. I individually felt confused the whole time. But it was good to be out there and to get some work in with them.

I persevered to get some school work done in the afternoon despite the fact that my wife was asleep and I had to constantly attend to the children. I managed not to be resentful about this.

At the end of the day the whole family took a walk to the park as the weather was spectacular today. As we started to go, my wife woke up and joined us. We had a fun time while I made observations of attachment styles for my report due Tuesday. I enjoyed discussing this with my wife. I like this about her, that she has interests in these types of subjects. I regret that we are not closer now and couldn't share more intimate moments. The kids got me to chase them through the garden and play hide and go seek.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up on time and had good prayer and got the dishes cleaned and the kids fed quickly.

The kids had baseball games early so we watched baseball to get them mentally prepared. I should have also had them pray for the same reason.

I coached in my older son's game and he did well.

This morning I thought of a slight nuance of the faith vs. science debate; that they are not "oppositional". I also thought again about the concept of the moral inventory as a method to reform the errant motivational forces. While I was doing my math work I learned about the Venn diagram and Eulerian circles, these are the conceptual diagrams that I have been visualizing to represent the structures of the psyche (intellect, emotion, intuition) and their relationship to each other.

This morning I had one of those prayer sessions in which I felt a great sense of divinization and insight.

I realized that I am farther behind in my math class than I thought. I tried to get some work done but kept getting interrupted by my daughter. I grew more and more anxious as I thought about how each day is like this. I began to write a script for the future as futile. At one point thoughts of giving up and quitting school came to mind. But, I asked for help and stuck with it and thought about the fact that she would be taking a nap in the afternoon and I could get some work done then. I did finally get to work steadily. I didn't get much dome but I got something done and I felt enthusiastic about math.

I had a ramdom thought about describing 12 step work to someone new. I thought about relating the moral inventory to managing addictive behaviors. About how regulating the emotions and motivational forces in order to manage the moods and decision making in small daily matters, conditions a person with addiction to have power to resist their deep desires and obsession.

In the evening my parents came over for my daughter's 3rd birthday celebration. I enjoyed spending time with them and sharing laughs and conversation. I had an awkward moment with my dad when I had to insist that we not pursue his idea to have my son pitch at his target contraption. But, surprisingly I misread him and he wasn't really mad and we had a good time. I even got an opportunity to inform him about not talking bad about poor players when he mention how critical parents can be.

Thanks be to God.