Last night my youngest child had a stomach virus and woke me up several times. One of the times I woke up with dream thoughts immersed in one of my more troublesome character defects. I tried to pray several times but struggled as I didn't have control of my mental faculties. Unfortunately an acquaintance that seems to be too interested in me entered into this malaise. I exerted myself to resist and surrender like a child and escaped.

It has been a very busy week and I have not been able to keep up my reviews again. There have been several events and thoughts that I desperately wanted to keep track of. I will attempt it now. My hope is that if I pray and start writing that it will all come back to me.

One of the days this week, perhaps Tuesday or Wednesday, I had a substantial shift in my prayer structure. This was repeated again another day, but I am not sure that I remember it now. I also had some significant thoughts about sanity and sobriety. But, I don't remember them either. I told my wife this week that I believe that I have brain damage. <---self pity!?

I thought about how I went through the 5 stages of grief in my addiction. Today I read in the Kubler-Ross website that she recognized that these stages occur over many life crises.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday I thought about how skills progress in steps, some forward and some back, but over time the forward steps outnumber those back.

In the afternoon I talked over a plan with my wife for handling my math class. We concluded on a great strategy for me to accept a low grade or failure but to stay enrolled and college eligible and to retake the assessment when I am ready. It was a major relief to get this off my back.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting finally after about 2 weeks (it seems). The topic was page 17 of the Big Book, "The common bonds of the 12 step fellowship". I thought about the miner rescues this week and about how many of them had a spiritual experience and vowed to changed their lives. I wondered how many of them would be able to hold on to it. I thought of how willingness would likely wear off for many of them after some time passes. I thought of how I could relate to this experience, how I felt as if I had been rescued from my trap. I was grateful to have the fellowship to keep this alive for me.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday morning in class I had a test. I was a little disappointed that I could not do better. At least I think I passed.

At some point this day I recognized the need to elevate a conception of the pursuit of virtue and of God's will over my sensory arousal. I realized just how difficult this is but the effect was epiphanous.

In the evening my older son had a baseball game. The boys seemed to have taken a step back in their progress. Even my son had trouble pitching, but he worked himself through it. They still looked better than at the beginning of the season.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I had a classroom report. I was preoccupied and worried about it all day but after my morning class I came home and got it finished. It went well although I was a little nervous. I spoke about the importance of early detection and early intervention of Autism or other developmental delays.

After class a friend talked to me about an issue in sobriety and the spiritual life. I was grateful for the opportunity to help.

In the evening my two middle children had a tee ball game. It did not go well with my daughter who had a fit over her cap being loose. I think that I took it too serious, evryone else was laughing at the antics.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday morning my professor talked about mental illness again in the morning.

I spent the afternoon preparing for a presentation on Tuesday. I worried alot today about my math class which I am terribly behind in. I wasn't able to get anything done for it.

This Sunday our gospel reading at mass was the story of the lepers that Jesus healed but only one came back to thank Him. Our priest gave a sermon about the attitude of gratitude. For some reason I felt certain that I had never heard this account before but I was sure that I had. Our priest delivered a great message of the benefits of this attitude.

I was still feeling the effects of my respiratory infection. We did a lot of housecleaning and I did some homework.

In the evening we watched the MLB playoffs.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I had very bad allergy symptoms and probably a respiratory infection. After taking the kids to school I studied a little for a mid term in math. At mid morning I was incapacitated and had to rest. I was not able to get anything done all day and felt very unproductive. My wife was on a job and I had to babysit my youngest daughter.

In the late afternoon I had to take my test. I felt terrible and was constantly sneezing and fighting a runny nose. I was hot and might have had a fever. I did terrible on the test. I couldn't even answer 6 problems out of 20. On the way home I had to resist feelings of self pity, blame, and rash behavior to try and solve the problem. I had to make a gratitude list in my head and pray for help with anger.

I went home and watched baseball with my kids and had a nice dinner. I wished that I could have had the energy to make a meeting. As a little time went by, I felt relieved of my fears and got to bed early in hope that I would make my son's ball game in the morning.

Thanks be to God.