This morning during prayer my alertness and creative thinking were not as on point as yesterday.  I wished that I could have recorded the insights that I received for reflection.  Perhaps I will attempt to recall them after this review.  I went straight out the door and to the ball field without breakfast this morning.  It was a work day at the field.  I was grateful for the opportunity to help as our coach was able to make it due to a funeral.  I spent all morning out there and got to make some good connections with other dads and coaches. I enjoyed it so much that I lost track of time and panicked when I saw that it was 2:00 and my wife might not work.

Back at home I found out she was not working so I took my son to the park to practice.

In the evening we had a great dinner and I ran an errand for my wife.  I regret not getting any home work done and I am worried about it for tomorrow.  I might not go to mass.  I was also worried about not making the 12 step meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning in ethics class we talked about 3 bases for ethical decisions.  These weren't out of the textbook, they were typed and lectured by the professor.  No citations were noted.  There seemed to be a dichotomy set up with a bias.  I felt as if his agenda was to lay the groundwork for moral relativism.   

In looking them up tonight I found that his descriptions are slightly, but critically, out of order.  He set up consequentialism in opposition to intuitism and labled intuitism as ethical egoism.  But I found ethical egoism to be a form of consequentialism.

He also used examples of the Catholic church's morality and decision making in a disparaging tone.  He described decisions about abortions in hospitals as if they were indisputably unreasonable and described Catholic confession as if it were a ineffectual form of praying away people's behavioral or psychological problems.  I intuitively reserved interjecting here as a matter of prudence but it bothered my conscience.

In thinking back about it, I probably made the right choice as I would not have been allowed to make an adequate defense and it would have distracted greatly for the class topic.  Also, I am sure that better opportunities will arise and I could e better prepared to respectfully defend the church.

After class I got to work with a newly sober person on taking his 12 step program.  We talked about step 1. I took the approach of drawing the key concepts from the wording of the step itself and working on each subconcept breaking them down like a factor tree.  I think that I ought to investigate and map out this idea further. In looking up insanity in the Big Book, my student pointed out a phrase to me as a definition of insanity that I don't recall using before, "Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else?"


Insanity: a profound lack of proportion of the ability to think straight.


I bickered with my wife today on several home management matters today.  In thinking back to the source of my discontent I see that I was lacking tolerance and patience with her.

I griped at my kids tonight about pestering me with demands.  I yelled commands to rouse them to action to clean up and get ready for bed after they repeatedly(?) ignored me.  My oldest son protested and I assigned  him sentences.  I revoked them when I thought back about it and realized that I made decisions that contributed to that situation and I actually was impatient.  I sat them down for fruit salad and apologized to them but stood firm about the requirement to stay on schedule and do their duties.  I need to complete and post the daily schedule that I was working on.

I worked on math a little

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I used the learning lab at school again.  I went before class and stayed after and made a better decision about using my resources.  I wished that I had used them last semester and questioned my need for a new laptop.

Today I thought of the virtue of legacy.

I was offended by professor bias again today.

This morning I woke up on time and got a good start to the day with effective prayer and meditation.  I listened to a talk about the biblical story of the rich young man.  The priest related the story to holding on to things and being unwilling to exert ourselves in spiritual discipline in order to grow in holiness.  He talked about our struggles to give up our ease and do what we don't want to do.  He used examples like sports professionals who when they wish to move to the next level like from high school to college or from amateur sports to professional, of how they must sacrifice many things and freedoms and put in the work to achieve that skill level.  I thought of how I have struggled this weekend to complete my math assignment. On Friday it seemed so hard to get anywhere. I thought I would never be able to stay focused because I do not have a natural interest in math.  I thought that I would never be able to understand it because I have lost much of my mental faculties.  I thought that I will never be able to adjust my need to work piece meal without distractions and interruptions from my family and other obligations.  But I just tried a little harder and persevered a little longer when I was ready to give up. I prayed and considered that I have a duty to try despite my will to quit.

By Saturday evening my ideas and attitudes had changed.  I got caught up.  I felt that I had broken through my mental block and my memory was refreshed.  I gained momentum and interest and confidence that I can do this school work.  I also gained a new sense and optimism that I could maintain a spiritual life on God's terms that would keep me with Him.

We mad it to mass on time and in good spirits.  My wife and I bickered a little before.  I should have spoken a little more respectful to her when we were getting ready.  I had to have a little behavior correction talk with the kids when we got home.  Nothing major but I was grateful for the ability to speak authoritatively and with confidence of good parenting strategy.  I felt a strong sense of unity with my wife in our growth together as parents.

In the afternoon I had to resolve a problem with our printer/scanner in order to be able to send in school assignments.  I had worked on this yesterday and learned that I needed to rearrange equipment configuration in our (my wife's) office.  This required that I completely deconstruct the huge mess and bring order to the room while my wife was away at a birthday party.  Predictably when she got home she got upset and we got into an argument about it.  There was a point where I lost my temper.  But something unusual happened.  I won the argument.  I have always known that I have this potential but have never been able to maintain my mental capacity.  I always get to angry and get a mental block.

Nevertheless, I still need to apologize to her and make amends.

I felt guilty in the afternoon because I did not make time to meet with a new guy to do his step work.  I struggled to justify leaving home and doing something other than attending to my families needs.  In the evening I started have the same struggle to justify going to a meeting.  I managed to get myself out the door and get to the meeting.  My friend the new guy was there.

One of those synchronous God moment happened tonight.  We were reading from the chapter Bill's story.  A line caught my attention, "Out of this ally of drink and speculation, I commenced to forge the weapon that one day would turn in its flight like a boomerang and all but cut me to ribbons." I thought of how Bill tells of the events, interests, culture, and attitudes of his time when he developed his addiction to alcohol.  I always wondered why he included so much about himself, his war record, Wall Street, Golf, cross-country travelling, etc.   I thought perhaps it was because his self-image and and attitudes were so integrated into this
alcoholic delusion fable.

I thought of my own addiction fable and how it was fueled with drink and expirementation and attached to the counter culture of my time.  I remembered my attitudes them when I began to rebel against all the ominous warnings I received.  I was told that if I indulged in vices and sins that they would turn on me like a boomerang.  But I had begun to try these things and enjoyed them seemingly with impunity.  I remembered that song by the Stones "I'm free to do what I want any old time."

For a long time, like Bill, I lived the high life with friends in high places.  I came out of my introversion and did things and met people like I never could before.  I became part of a scene and ran with a crew of guys that weren't losers or sots.  I drank the finest drink and snorted the finest blow.

But eventually it turned on Bill and drinking became a necessity not a luxury.  Alcohol became his master and he drank "Bathtub Gin", two bottles a day.  For me it was a twelve pack a day and some "Bathtub crank."

When the meeting was opened up for sharing, the weird thing was that two guys shared about the boomerang before me.  At the end of the meeting a guy shared about how he like Bill was now experiencing the "fourth dimension of existence." About how he was now truly free.

I got to read the paragraph where Bill's friend stressed the importance of working with others.  I thought this was synchronous also as I almost didn't go to the meeting and I was thinking that I don't have time to work with the new guy for good reasons. At the end of the meeting my enthusiasm was renewed and the new guy asserted a specific time commitment from me... awesome!

Thanks be to God.

This morning i woke up feeling physically well and was able to pray with clarity.  When I got the kids up and we said their morning prayer together.  My oldest daughter enchanted me when she asked to watch the religious kids shows that they used to watch.  I was really worried about getting caught up on math.  My wife worked late last night and was still in bed when I finished feeding the kids and cleaned up and got them going and dressed.  I finally just had to get to work in my room while she slept.  I remembered to give the kids clean up chores before letting them play.

After lunch I tasked my oldest son to practice baseball for 45 minutes which he did with due diligence.  I got to talk to a sponsee on the phone in the afternoon.  I also got my employment search emails out.

In the evening my mom and dad came to visit and brought us dinner.  We watched the Ken Burns video on baseball.  They enjoyed seeing the kids play the Wii before that.

With hard work and perseverence I got my math work caught up.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I found myself worrying about not being able to live up to sponsor and service commitments in 12 step groups.  I realized that this is a recurring worry since the beginning of the semester.  Yesterday I went so far as to think about whether I should change my willingness to take on sponsees and what my obligation is.

This morning in Ethics class we had some lively discussion about 2 dilemmas.  It was a great test me to advocate my thoughts and ideas and yet remain flexible in thought and communication.

This morning I found myself thinking about the nature of religion as the psychological philosophy of the ages.  Most religious principles direct people in the right behaviors that will brink order of mind, sanity, effective relationships, and benefit to society.

Today was my second day back to school for the new semester.  I enjoyed talking to my classmates in the student lounge.  It was interesting to see the makeup of my classes of Human Service and Addictions Counseling majors and how they differ from the normal population.  I had an awkward mid day trying to figure out whether to come home or not.  I went to the thrift store and found baseballs and a basketball for the kids.  I worried over whether I should have bought a new computer or not.  At the used electronic store I saw a bargain laptop that could have saved me a lot of money.  I am worried about not getting math done again today.

I am grateful to have an idea of what we will be studying and to feel very optimistic about it.

Thanks be to God for this day.