This Saturday morning we had a baseball game at 9:00 am and then another at noon.  After the first game and post game meetings and such we gathered ourselves in front of the concessions and tried to determine our course of action amidst the chaos of kids chattering and parents reacting.  My wife decided that we needed to go eat at a restaurant.   I suggested that we eat at the concession stands.  At the restaurant we enjoyed ourselves some but we also bickered over kids not wanting to eat.  I got resentful because my instincts had told me that the kids didn't really like this food but my wife can't accept it.

My older son's team lost.  He pitched a great game and hit well also.  His team also hit well but the other team made great infield plays that prevented us from scoring.

This Friday I found myself worrying about a multitude of things all at once.  It was around 10:30 am just at the time of day when I am typically in my most attuned state of mind.   I was worried about staying on task.  I was anxious about math homework.  I was worried about the presentation paper that I must write.   I was worried about not doing 12 step work.  I was worried about making appointments and getting important tasks done this day.  I was worried about making the wrong choice and stopping at the thrift store.  I was worried about scheduling and the Knights of Columbus wives dinner on Sunday night.  I was worried about being isolated due to having to care for my kids.  I was worried about preparing for baseball games this weekend.  I was worried about my house being a mess and the yard work that needs to be done and bulky pick up that needs to be put out and the cars need to be washed and whether or not the bank would let me make a withdrawal, etc.

I am not sure if these are all the things that I was worried about but I wanted to make a special effort to remember this because I struggle to think of true feelings to review in my evening reviews.  Lately it seems that I have just been journaling events of the day rather than my true states of mind or spirit.

I got to have a wonderful lunch at a restaurant with my daughter on her insistence.  She saw a restaurant patio and said "Daddy I wan't to eat I am hungry.  I want to eat at a pink restaurant like that one."  I found a Mexican restaurant that suited her because it had some pink in the decor and she liked the palm trees.  We had a nice Lenten lunch of cheese enchiladas and a grilled cheese sandwich.

I got to go to a meeting in the evening.  We talked about the second half o step twelve.  As usual I was on good track with my thoughts but when I shared I got side tracked a little and was disappointed.  But it kept me thinking about the application of the work in all areas of my life.

I had a discussion with a guy after the meeting that really got me thinking about taking spiritual initiative and the spiritual lead in couples relationships.

Thanks be to God.

This morning in Counseling Theories class we got to talk more about transactional analysis which I found very interesting.

I got almost nothing done in math as I started a new chapter.  I was heavily distracted and had math nausea.

At noon I went to the 12 step meeting.  The attendees decided to have a study session for our addictions class instead.  I had mixed feelings about this but since the meeting is not affiliated with any 12 step fellowship there are no traditions to cite as binding.  One girl said she was shaky and wished for a meeting.  But this was quickly drowned in the chaotic study group.  I just sat and listened mostly as I was unprepared for the test.  I also noticed that I had a type of anxiety that I experience when many voices are speaking at once in a group.

I believe that I did well on the test.

In the afternoon I cleaned up a section of the yard for a garden for my kids.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I had a very busy morning.  I thought some about guarding my thought life and watching for slips in allowing the impulsive motives to linger.

I spent 30 minutes on one math problem in the morning but completed the first chapter for the week in the afternoon.

In the evening my son had a baseball game.  His steam was short a player and there was a couple of times that this affected there performance.  There were also two players that did not show up.  The boys made some great plays as did the other team.  It was a thriller in the end with some baserunners thrown out from the outfield. At one point my son got thrown out at second on a great play by the other team.  He cried when he got to the bench.  I was actually proud of his passion rather than worried about his hurt feelings.  I let his team mates give him encouragement as I had seen him give them earlier in the game for their mistakes.  He got to pitch the last inning and did very well.  The game ended tied.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we woke up on time and made it to mass.  Our Gospel reading today was the account of the transfiguration of Jesus.  My wife and I spoke about this late last night in preparation for her leading of the children's ministry today.  I thought of how this event signaled a number of faith transformations.  The transformation of how Jesus was understood, that he would no longer be viewed as simply a prophet, healer, or social reformer.  That the God of Abraham would no longer be just for the chosen people but for all men.  That mankind would evolve from faith based on earning favor through law abidance and sacrificial offerings, to faith based on love of God and man.  That faith would be based on transformation rather than transaction.

My younger son got to carry the Bible in the procession of the children to their liturgy.  I ran into the Grand Knight of the KOFC and sheepishly apologized for not participating in the golf tournament.  He asked me to attend the officers meeting tomorrow night.

I listened to a sermon about the Gospel and heard mention of the psychological concept of the peak experience.   I recalled that I had heard about this before and equated it to the "spiritual experience" in the AA Big Book.  This is the feeling of epiphany on has when they experience a trans-formative event in their lives.  I read about it mostly from Maslow but also from Flow psychology.  The psychologists seek to naturalize what was previously thought of as a religious experience.  I thought of this as simply an objective description of a spiritual, religious experience that is a natural process.  I had a peak experience today with the Gospel.  This had a trans-formative effect on me.

In the afternoon I got to take my son to baseball practice.  We enjoyed working together, I got to pitch in the batting cage.  The coach worked with the pitchers, having them take turn pitching to live batters.  My son got to play catcher, bat and pitch.  He did well, probably best at all positions.  The coach talked alot about pitching issues. He said my son pitched best of them all, although he still doesn't seem to have faith in him.  We also got to talk about next year when the boys move up.  I was pleased to hear that he will probably be coaching again.

Back at home after the kids went to bed I did the last of my math homework that was overdue.  It was difficult and frustrating at times but I finally got it done.  I felt afraid and I wanted to give up.  Our instructor sent an email around the time I was finishing up informing us that we are officially half way through.  I am officially caught up also.  I looked at my overall grade so far and was pleasantly surprised.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I remembered again that I was having a using dream last night.  I have thought about and intended to write about this all week but have not had time or neglected this practice.  As a matter of priority when I sat down this morning to write I reviewed yesterday first.

When I woke up from the dream, I recognized that I had no significant recollection of the circumstances in the dream.  I just remembered that I was using.  In the dreams that I had this week I noticed an extraordinary difference from the using dreams that I usually have.  In each dream the only thing I was aware of was the part where I was high.  This is the exact opposite of most using dreams.  In most of these dreams I remember wanting, trying, preparing, and chasing the high.  But, I rarely remember actually getting high.  Sometimes I do remember it but it is only a small part of the dream.  I have some more thoughts about this but must get back to my school work.

Today I experienced something I had forgotten about.  I found that I had huge memory gaps in the factoring problems I was working on.  It seems that my shift last night back thinking about intra-personal logical concepts somehow affected my retention of the math lessons I worked on the past couple of days.

This Friday morning I didn't get us back on schedule as I had planned.  In fact, I woke up later than the rest of the week.

I had to make a decision after breakfast as whether to go on a Spring Break outing with my family or to stay home and do school work  It was a chaotic morning in which I fluctuated back and forth and we argued about where to go.  Eventually we decided to go to a nearby town to a river park.

While on our outing I had several instances of impatience and irritability with my children.  In each of these cases the kids needed authoritative control or correction.  They were either being rambunctious, demanding, or in potential danger.   But, in each case I overreacted.  I griped, shouted, or tugged them excessively.  This is something that I loath when I see another parent doing it in public and I was that parent at times.

Overall we did have a good time and as my wife advised me it is a critical part of the children's development.  I am grateful that we got to spend the day together at the park.

When I came home I was disappointed that I am further behind in math than all semester as I still have not completed the assignments that were due on Monday. Paradoxically, since we do not have assignments due this coming Monday (for Spring Break) I will be back on schedule.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  When I started out I had reservations and thought about how I could get more done at home.  But I went as a matter of schedule.  I found myself feeling uptight and out of sync away from home.  I thought about how I needed the alone time whether I felt it or not.  At a point after a short prayer I felt a sigh of decompression come over me.  It was just as the intuition had struck me.  I had a long thought, perhaps a share, about my need for active recovery and a spiritual program.

Our meeting topic was staying on the beam and keeping up our spiritual program of action.  It was just the thing I had thought about on the way. Our meeting size was smaller than usual and there was some silence before two of us chimed in.  I got to share second.

Thanks be to God.