This Wednesday morning I had a little trouble waking and resolved to get to bed earlier.  Nevertheless I did get a decent start with prayer for character development.

I got some effective work done on my ethics final done and received a good grade on my addictions presentation.  I did however fell some disappointment that I can't put in the time and focus to achieve the quality of work that I would like.  I chose to practice acceptance and gratitude for the quality of work that I DO get to achieve.  I also thought about how well I am able to work on subjects in the scope of my interest and motivation as opposed to those that I am not passionate about.  I experienced flow in working on my papers.

I got to go to a meeting at noon.  It was a meeting downtown, one block away from the capital.  It was a place that I desired to go in the 2 years that I worked downtown but never made because it was just a little too far away to walk and be back on time to work.  I was glad that I kept this duty and that I was able to support the group that I did during that time.

The meeting is in a very nice room, in a nice setting, with a great group of people.  It was also a nice walk three blocks from school.  The daily reflection was read on step five (confession to a fellow) and then a topic on the evening review with an emphasis on tolerance.  I didn't really like the fact that there seemed to be two topics.  Thinking back to it now, I bet it came out of a member request.   I thought about how step 5 is related to the first part of the second step.  I should make this an entry in spiritus contra spiritum.  Going to this meeting was a wonderful experience and I look forward to attending again.

I got talk to a friend about resentments and tolerance in the afternoon.

I got to do some yard work and play ball with the kids outside in the evening.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning we had two little league games and my oldest son had a music memory contest.  I was grateful for my wife's effort to get him to his game in time to play two innings.  He got to pitch 2 innings and he got to bat once.  He did a good job but had to pitch his way out of trouble a couple of times.  I was proud of him for hanging in and keeping his cool.  I was also proud of him for being understanding of his teammates when they made mistakes that resulted in losing the game.   I too had to resist an intolerant attitude.  I had to practice some acceptance in having to spread attention between two games and all three activities and not being able to help or attend the ball park barbecue event.

In the evening  I got to go to a meeting.  Our topic reading started on page 125, "Most alcoholics are enthusiasts.  They run  to extremes..."  Most people talked about financial troubles and resentful families, or how they have to completely dedicate themselves to their recovery activities.    I thought about how when I first took the steps I was enthusiastic about the program and in time my wife was resentful and felt neglected by me.  After a steady progression of emotional recovery I eventually backslid into deep resentment and relapsed.  :Later in looking back at what happened, I can see that I became enthusiastic about my hobbies of fishing and billiards, my personal spiritual activities decreased as my hobbies increased and my resentments blew up.  Concurrently, my self-righteousness and intolerance rose to extremes.

But I didn't realize this right away when I came back from relapse.  It was only after a good deal of time that I was able to see what went wrong.  I didn't recognize that my "enthusi-ism" and extremism (over non-drinking activities) was just as bad as my extreme and enthusiastic drinking/using was.

The answers came from vigilance in personal inventory, prayer and an attitude of self sacrifice at home. I exerted myself in those areas and put my personal wants on hold, one day at a time.  It wasn't any easier to swallow than the first time and I experienced some discontent.   But in time the basis of my wants changed and I became filled with enthusiasm for family, faith, and fellowship.  My "content-ment" shifted and I began to see the nature of my problem.  Over enthusiasm and extremism are forms of emotional insobriety.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early and my mental state during prayer was a lot more coherent.

Today I was preoccupied with a final and a book report all morning.  I worried that I would not get them done.  Eventually I did but I had to accept that they would not be done as well as I would like.

I haven't written an evening review in 2 weeks and a lot has happened during that time.  I may go back and fill in the events that were spiritually significant.

Tonight my son had a baseball game.  I was proud of him for playing well but even more so for keeping his composure even though his team lost badly.  I was also proud of my other son (the autistic one) for his social interaction with other children during the game.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a thought about love.  I thought about how true love is not just a feeling but an act of the will. I thought back to the ideas that there are 3 parts to love and that there are different types of love.  In Sternberg's triangular theory of love the three parts are commitment, intimacy, and passion.  The "feeling" part is the passion of romantic attraction.  But this doesn't work well for other types of love such as brotherly love or charitable love or motherly love.  But it does if the primary triangle is commitment, intimacy, and other types of passion or strong feelings. And this passion can be cultivated through willing oneself to practice commitment and intimacy.

This morning I chose to pray.  I prayed for a connection to God and for the power to behave according to his will and law.  I chose to live a life of good relationships and improvements to the lives of others.

At the learning lab I chose to set aside web browsing and do a few math problems.  In between classes I chose to turn away from sexual arousal and turn toward the valuation of life.

In class I chose to subside my elevated defensiveness when I heard my professor mis-characterize the position of pro-life organizations.

At times I had to choose to set aside my fears about the papers, tests, and math problems that I have coming up.  Furthermore I had to turn my attitude toward the idea that they will get done and be adequate even if they are not as elaborate or I am not as prepared as I would like to be.  I must choose not to anxietize myself over what has not yet happened.

When I returned home I chose to face the discussion that my wife and I needed to have about my son missing a ball game to participate in the Music Memory contest.  I had to set aside my ideas about how she would communicate with me.   Furthermore I had to strive to valuate her needs and resist villifying her as a threat to my ideas about my son's needs.

In writing this journal I chose to look at the present first rather than revisiting the past 2 weeks of not reviewing.  I may yet look back at them but only if today's business is done.

Thanks be to God for the power to choose.

The past few days I have been thinking about factors in the addiction treatment.  Our textbook lists some but they all appear to be external or secondary.  I believe the primary factors to be in the area of self regulation.  Namely impulse control, illicit values, hyper hedonism, self-serving bias, etc.

Yesterday in thinking about what to talk to my son's little league team about mistakes could be game changers I thought of three distinct types.  The plays they could make, the plays they ought to make, and the plays they should make.

This morning I was grateful to get the kids going and get to mass on time.  I believe that I made an effective communion with the LORD.   Our readings were about spiritual blindness and the light of God.

This afternoon I really enjoyed attending a birthday party with my son for one of his teammates.

I managed to get the yard cleaned up this weekend and get all the leaves out to the curb for pick up.  It was hard work.

I didn't get any math work done.  I have been very worried about this but yesterday I was able to recognize my fear as lack of faith.   I hope to return to that faith now.

I got to talk to a guy today about his troubles.  I believe that he is a person moving toward recovery.

Thanks be to God for this day.