This morning I took the kids to the park early before it got hot.  I took them because I planned to take them when I had a sense of direction earlier this week.  But this morning I felt tired, unmotivated, and not sure if it was necessary or beneficial.  I threw the baseball with them each in an unplanned and unstructured way.  I didn't have a great sense of having accomplished a proper workout but I was glad to have pressed myself through it.

Back at home I was exceptionally tired and took a nap.  I realized that I actually felt kind of ill.  I talked to my son who is getting over his stomach bug and I wondered out loud if I had it.  Then I wondered if this is the long term remnants of a lifetime of drinking and drugging.  If this was one of those "phantom hangovers" that I used to have.

After my nap I got a good amount of housekeeping done.   I also picked up a coaching book that I have during an interlude and I finally committed to memory the necessary basic framework of a good practice session.  I also listened to a little to the inspirational preacher that has been giving me a positive outlook lately.

Last night I had a dream about addictive behavior.  In the dream I was driving home from work in another city.  I was exhausted and seeking to unwind.  I thought about a social night ahead that involved partying and drinking.  I had a vague sense of guilt that I shouldn't but I thought that this was just a troublesome behavior that I should resist.  As I passed the city on the way home, I couldn't imagine going home and then coming back and rationalized that I should just detour to town and a bar.  On my way to a bar I passed an urban townhome complex where I had previously scored drugs and I rationalized that I should look up friends that I had partied with before.  I wandered into the complex aimlessly, not sure why I was there but definitely not going to score drugs, maybe not.  My old  using buddy joined alongside me walking down a long hall talking about his recent encounters with acquaintances as he often did.  At some point he mocked a friend who had given him an emotional account of his conversion to faith.  I separated from the friend and encountered a tall platinum blond woman.  I entered an elevator alone and entered into an internal dilemma in which I wanted to run away alternating with wanting to cop drugs.  The lights went off in the elevator and I frantically tried to find the buttons to get back to the ground floor and get off.  There was a dark figure in the elevator trying to convince me of something.  There door cracked opened but I was still trapped.  A twin of the tall platinum blond woman was outside also trying to convince me to do something.

I was very attention deficient in my prayers when I woke up but I got through them.

This evening I was resentful of my wife for griping excessively at my #1 son for getting on the computer without permission and banning him from it all weekend.  He was sick today so I had given him a little more slack than usual.  My idea of how he should be treated and how his discipline should be handled was threatened.  My idea of how she should communicate was threatened.  I lost my temper.  I was impatient and intolerant with her.  At present all I can think about is that I was defending my son and how I am sick of trying to communicate rationally with an irrational person.  I really need God's help with this one.

This morning my #1 son got sick like #2 did last night.  It was awful for him but I was able to help.  I was grateful that he and his little brother had a comfortable place to recuperate today.  I was grateful that my daughters were able to get to their camps.

I was able to do some reading, studying and a quiz today but by mid afternoon I was feeling ill.  I fell asleep late in the afternoon and had bizarre dreams.  I also felt ill in my sleep.

I got to listen to a recovery speaker recording from a local treatment center today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was a little late waking up again but again I got through my prayers.  Today however, I did get the kids started before my wife was out of the shower.  I bickered with her about her griping at the kids and having too short a fuse too early in the morning.  We had a problem with my #2 son who was groggy and refused to eat and wanted to stay home.  I got him there finally and on time.  The kids had a big event today, a field trip to the water park.  I regretted sending #2 as he ended up throwing up.  He did have a good time after that and spoke proudly of getting on the biggest ride.  Just as I sat down to do this journal I heard him whimpering in his bed.  He was contorted in a pool of vomit.  I felt terrible for the kid.

Today I got to talk to a friend in recovery.
Today I got to be lifted up by an inspirational speaker.
Today I got to make an impulse buy.
Today I got to fix a car problem.
Today I got to pass a test.
Today I got to hug my kids.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up groggy and struggled through prayers.  I was late getting up as I resolved to finish them. I was worried about not getting enough of my school work done and had to stop myself from thinking about it several times.  I was also remorseful about getting the kids to bed late last night and about getting into a big gripe with one of the kids and not having cleaned as well as I should.

My wife was resentful that I had still not woken the kids when she got out of the shower.  She ran out of the door and left my youngest daughter who is attending her class and told me to take her.  We walked out the door just as she was pulling out of the driveway.  I got resentful about it.

I fed the kids and took them to school.  We all got along great, I remembered to pray with them, and we made it on time.

I am grateful to have been blessed with studious initiative today and got through both chapters.  I feel ready for tomorrow's test.

At lunch my wife and I got into a discussion about a topic of abnormal behavior.  She ended up calling me a bigot. I was very hurt and offended. For some reason I decided to look up the word.  I was surprised to find that it actually has a broader scope of meaning than I thought.  It actually filled a conceptual need that has been perplexing me.  Something good came out of it.

I had a good evening with the children, we practiced ball, we watched hummingbirds in the back yard, we watched an episode of Nova about cuttlefish and we stayed on schedule, cleaned, and got to bed on time.

I have to resist a critical spirit with my wife.

Thanks be to God.

Today we had a nice family trip to my son's all star tournament game in another city.  I had to watch myself not to get too impatient with everyone to get going on time.

On the way there I rudely interrupted my wife as she started to tell me about her troubles putting air in a low tire this week.  I have grown impatient with her insistence that all the air machines around are defective when she just has trouble using them.  I tried just to drop it as the point was that she got it fixed but she insisted on prodding me into an argument with her.  I should have exercised more tact in confronting her denial.

At the ball game I was able to keep a good attitude over the situation of my son seeing limited playing time.  I realized just how much of my resentment last week was based on selfish pride.  My son had a great time and he got to play a little.

This evening my son and I did some yard work.  I was alone with the kids and practiced ball with my younger son.

I was grateful that I got to go to a meeting last night.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up with a clear mind and a sense of clear focus in prayer.  After dropping off the kids and doing some house cleaning I decided to sit down and revise them per the insight I received.  I also decided to revise my blog layout thinking that the evening review quote and statement are redundant and space consuming.   Perhaps I will add them to my profile.

I thought this morning about the topic of having fun in sobriety.   This came while I was praying for God to restore my sense of natural joy in life.  I thought about how we newly sober are baffled with how we are possibly going to have fun now without drink or without the ability to experience joy.  I think we then set about to try and recreate a sober society that emulates that which we new but ultimately breaks down as people fall off or move on.  I think the real answer is to let people know that with time, prayerful healing, and re-engaging in activities that the ability to enjoy life will be restored and thus fun will start to come from within.