This Tuesday I spent the morning preparing to have guests.  I had to avoid being irritable about this again.  Fortunately it was later in the afternoon before they arrived.

I was again absorbed in my philosophy work and had a feeling of futility about it.  I also had to study for my biology final.  I took the test in the afternoon and made a 92.  I was actually a bit disappointed in that I could not see how I could have missed 4 questions (out of 50).  I recognized this as a selfish demand (expectation) and resisted this attitude immediately and turned to gratitude for a great grade.  I had to mull over this several times and talk to my wife before it passed.  Thanks be to God!

 I thought about attachment and the role that it plays in the integration of the person.  I thought about how my parents provided me with a strong attachment when I was a child.  Our relations later became strained but this was when I was a teenager.  If I could identify a problem in the younger formative years I would say it was in transition to separation.  It occurred to me that a healthy attachment involves being able to keep the sense of inner security when the child is separated from the parents.  The insecurity that I recall as a child was a sense of dis-integration, that is that I was no longer held together by the presence of my parent.  I believe that my children have this, that is why they are typically okay apart from us.  Perhaps it would serve them well in their formation if I would make a more conscious effort to cultivate this.  Also this serves as an archetype for their relationship with God.  I think that if I could present them with a secure and tangible image of God as their father, protector, and guide, then I could better help them depend on him for their personal integration, that is for the parts of themselves to stay together, to feel whole.

I also had a thought about the role that an attitude of service plays in resolving the problems of daily living.  In other words, when I have a dilemma, conflict, or decision, if I am most concerned about what my function, attitude and role is as if it were my job then I am less apt to fall into resentment, stress and anxiety.   Whereas if I am looking too much at my environmental circumstances, or actions of others, or my expectations then I am certain to be discontent.

In the evening our home was chaotic with guests and their children visiting.

I am grateful to have a home to entertain guests.

Thanks be to God

This Monday morning I set out to review and synthesize Hume's model of human understanding.

My mom came and visited in the morning. We talked about the upcoming semester and the result was a greater sense of motivation for the course of action that I am pursuing.

I also spent a good amount of time on cleaning tasks in preparation for a visit from my wife's friends and their children on their vacation.  I had to resist the tendency to fall into an irritable attitude about this.

Aside from attending to the children I was completely preoccupied with my philosophy class assignments the rest of the day and late into the night.  It was the source of a little anxiety and an obstacle to doing anything else.  I was grateful for having the mental faculties to be able to make progress.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we had a  successful garage sale.  It was not only successful because we made some much needed extra funds, and not because we cleaned out a lot of clutter, but mainly because my wife and I never got into an argument.  I was worried at times because I had to take breaks and rest while she stayed out there.  But I took care of the boys and my mom had the girls and after the sale was done, I did the cleanup.

I was grateful for some help from my parents today.
I was grateful for the focus and energy to get things done.
I was grateful that I got to go to a meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I had another period where I fell asleep very unexpectedly after feeding and getting the kids off to camp.  Fortunately it did not last long and my wife had given me a honey-do list which helped me get out and about.  This was especially good because I felt foggy and aimless until them.

I spent some time contemplating Hume's Enquiry of human understanding and his skeptical solution.  I have found studying this material to be deeply disturbing because it has caused me to examine the foundation of my beliefs too closely.  This gives me a grave sense of uncertainty even though I trust that in the end they will be stronger for it.  I have had to give extra consideration in my morning prayers for protection from cynical and self-centered skepticism and doubt.  One early unexpected benefit has been a better understanding of the need to pray for power to resist his error.  Thankfully in the summation today I read Hume's own reservations about excessive doubts and the futility of them.  I don't know what my final syllogism will be but I sense a great truth to come.

I had some financial fear over our shortfall this month.  This was another thought on my mind for which I had to give special consideration in prayer today. My wife and I had a productive discussion in which she helped me see that we will recover in a couple of weeks.

My wife was blessed with a little extra work today.  This meant that I had to do some extra running around for the kids and taking my son to therapy. My oldest had a bit of a meltdown in which I almost lost my cool and was temporarily confused about how to handle it.  Thankfully in the midst of dinner prep, attending to the girls, and returning to pick up my other son, I was able to sort out his exact wrongs and address it in an appropriate manner without being too heavy handed or too permissive.  He reluctantly complied and we were able to turn it around and have a good evening.

Once again we as a family watched the news reports about the famine in Somalia.  I believe that my children are really taking this to heart and seeing how blessed they are.  I know I am.

I got to play a new game of baseball target throwing with the boys today.  This helped me coax them into doing their practice drills.ssss

My wife and I worked together on preparation for a garage sale tomorrow.  Afterward she pointed out that we were able to get through it without arguing.  Lately I have begun to think that the our problematic interactions may be getting better.  I have been catching the times when I treat her poorly based on the baggage of the past.  I am also finding a lot more resilience against reacting to behavior that I don't like.  This seems synchronous to the paragraph I read from the twelve and twelve today about how we have to quit living by out selfish demands.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up at way too early so I decided to read the Online Daily Reflections.  When I went to the website I saw that it was no longer being published.

I thought about doing a daily reflection of my own, not for publication but for personal growth and sharing with sponsees.  I also don't mean my personal reflections but the part of selecting from the book.  The problem with this is the copyright issue.  But I guess if it is not an open website then it doesn't apply.

This month is step 7 month so I went to the chapter in the Twelve and Twelve and started at the end of the chapter and worked my way back in three paragraph size chunks back to what would be the reading for the 28th.  I read about humility as an act of the will.  this got me thinking about how we don't always have to be forced into humility by a failure but can grow in self awareness and catch our selves falling into self-centered fear before we act and ask God to restore us to sanity.

It kind of worked out that way for me this day as I fell into a deep crash after this morning's early rise.  I woke up in a sense of despair that I had fallen too far behind in the day to be productive.  But thankfully I was able to turn my attitude around and get a lot done both in homework and house work.

The kids got to go to the zoo at their camp today and had a lot to talk about.  My wife was working in the evening so I had to make dinner for the kids.  During this time I get a little overwhelmed and have to watch myself from barking at them too much.  During our dinner we watched a report on the evening news about the children starving in Somalia and their parents carrying them up to a hundred miles to aid camps.  We were able to discuss this and be grateful for what we have.

Thanks be to God.

Today I studied most of the morning and then took a test.  I also pulled out my fishing boat to clean and prepare it for sale.  I have regret and mixed feelings about selling it but we are in a financial shortage right now and I think that I must let it go.  I experienced uncertainty and fear at times but not too much anxiety.  Each time that I thought about it, I felt like I could ascertain God's will for me in this by either generating the shortfall by the end of the week or accepting the loss for now with trust that when the time is right that we will receive another boat.  I recognize now that what I fear is a permanent loss which is me depending on the limits of my scope of vision.  Not only that but we can't even afford to take fishing or boating trips and the maintenance that goes with them.

I thought some more about the culture of sobriety today.  I thought about the fact that I've always known that group support is important, but in discovering the human characteristic of proficiency, accomplishment, an development, through modeling, I have gained a much livelier sense of value for it.  I found myself contemplating and anticipating sharing this idea in a new perspective.

I was grateful to pass my test.

I was grateful to get to talk to a friend about sobriety.

I was grateful to watch baseball highlights with my sons.

I was grateful to spend time with my daughters riding their bikes.

I was grateful talking to my wife about philosophical ideals.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I fell into chaotic thinking when I woke up.  I realized that my thoughts were moving through various issues in my life, some current, some past, some future, and some relevant and some not.  I caught myself in this and recognized that fear had set in.  I didn't have the time or mental faculties to pray through all the particulars, but I made an effort none the less and got my thinking set aright.  Thanks be to God..

In my studies today I encountered two examples of the idea that experiential modeling is the most lively form of motivational force in behavioral learning.  One in the case of the Japanese Macaques and the other in Hume's Enquiry on Human Understanding.  The concept suddenly became very lively for me and I associated it with the phenomenon of the spiritual experience and the culture of sobriety.

I was grateful to get to go to a meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God for this day.