This Monday morning I tried to get up early and take the kids to the park.  None of them got up on time and I had to resist being disappointed that we were not there early enough.  At the park my oldest son was uncooperative and complaining.  As i tried to go through a light baseball practice with him I became impatient and demanding.  At one point I looked at the expression on his face and remembered back to when I was a kid and when the game ceased to be fun.  I had to adapt some flexibility while retaining some discipline.  I let him sit down after he completed some very basic throws and when his ire passed I invited him to join in helping his little brother whom I was then instructing.

During this time I expressed frustration at not making it outdoors early enough.  But it did work out and we made a good start to this week.  I can see that my frustration was because of my expectations and it would have been worse had I not practiced acceptance.

I spent the rest of the day keeping the kids busy and doing yard work as motivated by seeing my neighbor's yard this weekend.

At the end of the day I got into a brief disagreement with my wife when I came home from an errand and it was 8:45 p,m and the kids were watching a movie.  I told them it was bedtime because we are on a new schedule and my wife insisted that I was being mean and that they should be able to watch the movie.  I thought about being calm and assertive but eventually lost my temper and said that I give up trying, that the kids will just be fat, lazy, slackers.  My wife took this personally.  I didn't mean it as a stab at her.  But this is my genuine fear.  I can see that my fear caused my motivation to over-function and drive me blindly.  I pray that I will do better this week.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today and I tried and tried to write an essay for my philosophy class in and couldn't seem to get anywhere.  In the afternoon I was tasked with taking my son to his therapy appointment.  I had two other kids with me and it was crowded and hot that office.  My wife was at work but was planning to meet me there and pick up one of the kids to leave on her imprompotu vacation.  I didn't want to sit there for an hour so I called her to dispute the need to meet there.  I disagreed with her plan and we argued about it.  Frustrated and with my son complaining, I took the kids on a small errand.  During that time my wife called me as she had arrived at the clinic in and and I missed it.  4 minutes later I arrived back and called her back and she was furious.

I was mad at her for not communicating well with me.  But I was just as guilty of not listening and communicating well with her.  I was angry enough to imagine her apologizing to me and me refusing to accept her apology.  I can see now that I was taking her inventory.  I need to stick to my side of the street and make amends to her for losing my cool.

This evening my wife and the girls were away on a trip to the coast.  My son's spent the night at the grand parents.  I got to go to a meeting.  Interestingly enough the topic was again read from page 24 about how the alcoholic has lost the power of choice In drink.

Thanks be to god.

This morning my prayers were very abbreviated due to the presence of our guests.  I wanted to make sure and get up early enough to cook breakfast which I was able to do.  I was able to have some early quiet time and listen to the prayers, gospel, and reflection om the daily mass on TV while cooking.

I got to go to an AA meeting at noon today.  The transition from the 3rd to the 4th step was read.  This made me think of how I thought AA was superstitious and impractical for years.  But after countless attempts at sobriety including therapists, rehabs, and other programs, when I finally took the steps I found that the program was actually the most pragmatic and practical program I had tried.  In step 3 it addressed the problem of the will, by giving me a universal standard to abide by and the evidence of "miraculous" recovery in the members of the group.  In step 4 it was practical in its examination of my behavior, thinking, and decision making (much like the other programs I tried)  but coupled with a source of power to make it effective.

This afternoon my wife phoned me with a proposition for which she was very enthusiastic.  She wanted to take a trip with the kids to a town a few hundred miles away and stay at her friend's home.  As she asked me she tried to go into details to sell me on the idea.  I had to interrupt her and let her know that I did not want her taking the kids on a long trip in our unreliable vehicles in this 105+ weather.  I didn't have any flexibility on this and I realized that I actually forbid her to take my children.  I had to make a conscious effort to avoid falling into an antagonistic attitude about this.  I had to keep my objectivity, listen to her point of view, and have a rational discussion.

Today I was able to draft the outline for my final philosophy essay.

This Tuesday I spent the morning preparing to have guests.  I had to avoid being irritable about this again.  Fortunately it was later in the afternoon before they arrived.

I was again absorbed in my philosophy work and had a feeling of futility about it.  I also had to study for my biology final.  I took the test in the afternoon and made a 92.  I was actually a bit disappointed in that I could not see how I could have missed 4 questions (out of 50).  I recognized this as a selfish demand (expectation) and resisted this attitude immediately and turned to gratitude for a great grade.  I had to mull over this several times and talk to my wife before it passed.  Thanks be to God!

 I thought about attachment and the role that it plays in the integration of the person.  I thought about how my parents provided me with a strong attachment when I was a child.  Our relations later became strained but this was when I was a teenager.  If I could identify a problem in the younger formative years I would say it was in transition to separation.  It occurred to me that a healthy attachment involves being able to keep the sense of inner security when the child is separated from the parents.  The insecurity that I recall as a child was a sense of dis-integration, that is that I was no longer held together by the presence of my parent.  I believe that my children have this, that is why they are typically okay apart from us.  Perhaps it would serve them well in their formation if I would make a more conscious effort to cultivate this.  Also this serves as an archetype for their relationship with God.  I think that if I could present them with a secure and tangible image of God as their father, protector, and guide, then I could better help them depend on him for their personal integration, that is for the parts of themselves to stay together, to feel whole.

I also had a thought about the role that an attitude of service plays in resolving the problems of daily living.  In other words, when I have a dilemma, conflict, or decision, if I am most concerned about what my function, attitude and role is as if it were my job then I am less apt to fall into resentment, stress and anxiety.   Whereas if I am looking too much at my environmental circumstances, or actions of others, or my expectations then I am certain to be discontent.

In the evening our home was chaotic with guests and their children visiting.

I am grateful to have a home to entertain guests.

Thanks be to God

This Monday morning I set out to review and synthesize Hume's model of human understanding.

My mom came and visited in the morning. We talked about the upcoming semester and the result was a greater sense of motivation for the course of action that I am pursuing.

I also spent a good amount of time on cleaning tasks in preparation for a visit from my wife's friends and their children on their vacation.  I had to resist the tendency to fall into an irritable attitude about this.

Aside from attending to the children I was completely preoccupied with my philosophy class assignments the rest of the day and late into the night.  It was the source of a little anxiety and an obstacle to doing anything else.  I was grateful for having the mental faculties to be able to make progress.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we had a  successful garage sale.  It was not only successful because we made some much needed extra funds, and not because we cleaned out a lot of clutter, but mainly because my wife and I never got into an argument.  I was worried at times because I had to take breaks and rest while she stayed out there.  But I took care of the boys and my mom had the girls and after the sale was done, I did the cleanup.

I was grateful for some help from my parents today.
I was grateful for the focus and energy to get things done.
I was grateful that I got to go to a meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I had another period where I fell asleep very unexpectedly after feeding and getting the kids off to camp.  Fortunately it did not last long and my wife had given me a honey-do list which helped me get out and about.  This was especially good because I felt foggy and aimless until them.

I spent some time contemplating Hume's Enquiry of human understanding and his skeptical solution.  I have found studying this material to be deeply disturbing because it has caused me to examine the foundation of my beliefs too closely.  This gives me a grave sense of uncertainty even though I trust that in the end they will be stronger for it.  I have had to give extra consideration in my morning prayers for protection from cynical and self-centered skepticism and doubt.  One early unexpected benefit has been a better understanding of the need to pray for power to resist his error.  Thankfully in the summation today I read Hume's own reservations about excessive doubts and the futility of them.  I don't know what my final syllogism will be but I sense a great truth to come.

I had some financial fear over our shortfall this month.  This was another thought on my mind for which I had to give special consideration in prayer today. My wife and I had a productive discussion in which she helped me see that we will recover in a couple of weeks.

My wife was blessed with a little extra work today.  This meant that I had to do some extra running around for the kids and taking my son to therapy. My oldest had a bit of a meltdown in which I almost lost my cool and was temporarily confused about how to handle it.  Thankfully in the midst of dinner prep, attending to the girls, and returning to pick up my other son, I was able to sort out his exact wrongs and address it in an appropriate manner without being too heavy handed or too permissive.  He reluctantly complied and we were able to turn it around and have a good evening.

Once again we as a family watched the news reports about the famine in Somalia.  I believe that my children are really taking this to heart and seeing how blessed they are.  I know I am.

I got to play a new game of baseball target throwing with the boys today.  This helped me coax them into doing their practice drills.ssss

My wife and I worked together on preparation for a garage sale tomorrow.  Afterward she pointed out that we were able to get through it without arguing.  Lately I have begun to think that the our problematic interactions may be getting better.  I have been catching the times when I treat her poorly based on the baggage of the past.  I am also finding a lot more resilience against reacting to behavior that I don't like.  This seems synchronous to the paragraph I read from the twelve and twelve today about how we have to quit living by out selfish demands.

Thanks be to God for this day.