This morning I had a hard time getting out of bed after a long day yesterday.  I resisted the impulse to stress and anxiety getting to church.  We got there in good spirits.   When my wife and children left for children's liturgy, a family slipped into their seats.  We did a good job of adapting with out forcing them out uncomfortably.  They were able enjoy their worship with us.  Our priest did something unusual for our parish when he called a young person being deployed into the military to the altar and had us raise our hands in prayer for her and family.  This was a special, deeply inspirational moment.

During the day we did a great job as a family managing our time and limiting our leisure media activities to specific intervals.  I was able to get all the kids to do housework and we did a great cleanup.  I got to practice baseball throwing with my son who has autism.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting with a friend.  We read from the chapter "We Agnostics" about our   closed mindedness towards the concept of a Higher Power and how it is reasonable to believe.  About how we were worshipers all along and that deep down within us is the fundamental idea of God.

Interestingly enough, when I came home I saw the program "Curiosity" asking the question of whether the universe needed a creator and thus, does God exist?  It ended with Stephen Hawking concluding that a creator could not exist because time did not exist and therefore a first "cause" could not exist.  I was very disappointed because the answers seem easy.

God transcends time, he is the "beginning and the end."
God transcends the laws of nature, at least those of this universe.
We are limited to testing and measurement of the properties of this universe, thus we can only justify God's existence through experience.
The law of cause and effect can only be grasped by experience, so when we experience belief and the consequent transcendence, we experience God.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning I woke up at home alone.  It was eerily quiet in my home.  It was too quiet.  I had a hard time deciding what best to do and compulsively did some yard work.

At mid-morning my resentment towards my wife began to decay.  I began to more fully accept my mistakes and turn my sentiments towards resolving them.  I saw my actions and reactions were the real source of my problems, and the only things I can control.  I gave her a call to amend our communication with each other.  It was neglectful of me not to call her last night.

I got to spend some great time outdoors in the morning.
I got to eat a great breakfast that my mom made.
I got to watch a baseball documentary with my dad.
I worried about not working on my final essay, but turned my thoughts to enjoying the day.
My sons and I conceived and implemented a baseball practice inside the house by going through reps of the throwing and hitting motions using weighted balls.
I got to attend a party in the neighbors back yard with my sons and enjoy their hospitality.
My wife and girls made it home safe.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday morning I tried to get up early and take the kids to the park.  None of them got up on time and I had to resist being disappointed that we were not there early enough.  At the park my oldest son was uncooperative and complaining.  As i tried to go through a light baseball practice with him I became impatient and demanding.  At one point I looked at the expression on his face and remembered back to when I was a kid and when the game ceased to be fun.  I had to adapt some flexibility while retaining some discipline.  I let him sit down after he completed some very basic throws and when his ire passed I invited him to join in helping his little brother whom I was then instructing.

During this time I expressed frustration at not making it outdoors early enough.  But it did work out and we made a good start to this week.  I can see that my frustration was because of my expectations and it would have been worse had I not practiced acceptance.

I spent the rest of the day keeping the kids busy and doing yard work as motivated by seeing my neighbor's yard this weekend.

At the end of the day I got into a brief disagreement with my wife when I came home from an errand and it was 8:45 p,m and the kids were watching a movie.  I told them it was bedtime because we are on a new schedule and my wife insisted that I was being mean and that they should be able to watch the movie.  I thought about being calm and assertive but eventually lost my temper and said that I give up trying, that the kids will just be fat, lazy, slackers.  My wife took this personally.  I didn't mean it as a stab at her.  But this is my genuine fear.  I can see that my fear caused my motivation to over-function and drive me blindly.  I pray that I will do better this week.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today and I tried and tried to write an essay for my philosophy class in and couldn't seem to get anywhere.  In the afternoon I was tasked with taking my son to his therapy appointment.  I had two other kids with me and it was crowded and hot that office.  My wife was at work but was planning to meet me there and pick up one of the kids to leave on her imprompotu vacation.  I didn't want to sit there for an hour so I called her to dispute the need to meet there.  I disagreed with her plan and we argued about it.  Frustrated and with my son complaining, I took the kids on a small errand.  During that time my wife called me as she had arrived at the clinic in and and I missed it.  4 minutes later I arrived back and called her back and she was furious.

I was mad at her for not communicating well with me.  But I was just as guilty of not listening and communicating well with her.  I was angry enough to imagine her apologizing to me and me refusing to accept her apology.  I can see now that I was taking her inventory.  I need to stick to my side of the street and make amends to her for losing my cool.

This evening my wife and the girls were away on a trip to the coast.  My son's spent the night at the grand parents.  I got to go to a meeting.  Interestingly enough the topic was again read from page 24 about how the alcoholic has lost the power of choice In drink.

Thanks be to god.

This morning my prayers were very abbreviated due to the presence of our guests.  I wanted to make sure and get up early enough to cook breakfast which I was able to do.  I was able to have some early quiet time and listen to the prayers, gospel, and reflection om the daily mass on TV while cooking.

I got to go to an AA meeting at noon today.  The transition from the 3rd to the 4th step was read.  This made me think of how I thought AA was superstitious and impractical for years.  But after countless attempts at sobriety including therapists, rehabs, and other programs, when I finally took the steps I found that the program was actually the most pragmatic and practical program I had tried.  In step 3 it addressed the problem of the will, by giving me a universal standard to abide by and the evidence of "miraculous" recovery in the members of the group.  In step 4 it was practical in its examination of my behavior, thinking, and decision making (much like the other programs I tried)  but coupled with a source of power to make it effective.

This afternoon my wife phoned me with a proposition for which she was very enthusiastic.  She wanted to take a trip with the kids to a town a few hundred miles away and stay at her friend's home.  As she asked me she tried to go into details to sell me on the idea.  I had to interrupt her and let her know that I did not want her taking the kids on a long trip in our unreliable vehicles in this 105+ weather.  I didn't have any flexibility on this and I realized that I actually forbid her to take my children.  I had to make a conscious effort to avoid falling into an antagonistic attitude about this.  I had to keep my objectivity, listen to her point of view, and have a rational discussion.

Today I was able to draft the outline for my final philosophy essay.

This Tuesday I spent the morning preparing to have guests.  I had to avoid being irritable about this again.  Fortunately it was later in the afternoon before they arrived.

I was again absorbed in my philosophy work and had a feeling of futility about it.  I also had to study for my biology final.  I took the test in the afternoon and made a 92.  I was actually a bit disappointed in that I could not see how I could have missed 4 questions (out of 50).  I recognized this as a selfish demand (expectation) and resisted this attitude immediately and turned to gratitude for a great grade.  I had to mull over this several times and talk to my wife before it passed.  Thanks be to God!

 I thought about attachment and the role that it plays in the integration of the person.  I thought about how my parents provided me with a strong attachment when I was a child.  Our relations later became strained but this was when I was a teenager.  If I could identify a problem in the younger formative years I would say it was in transition to separation.  It occurred to me that a healthy attachment involves being able to keep the sense of inner security when the child is separated from the parents.  The insecurity that I recall as a child was a sense of dis-integration, that is that I was no longer held together by the presence of my parent.  I believe that my children have this, that is why they are typically okay apart from us.  Perhaps it would serve them well in their formation if I would make a more conscious effort to cultivate this.  Also this serves as an archetype for their relationship with God.  I think that if I could present them with a secure and tangible image of God as their father, protector, and guide, then I could better help them depend on him for their personal integration, that is for the parts of themselves to stay together, to feel whole.

I also had a thought about the role that an attitude of service plays in resolving the problems of daily living.  In other words, when I have a dilemma, conflict, or decision, if I am most concerned about what my function, attitude and role is as if it were my job then I am less apt to fall into resentment, stress and anxiety.   Whereas if I am looking too much at my environmental circumstances, or actions of others, or my expectations then I am certain to be discontent.

In the evening our home was chaotic with guests and their children visiting.

I am grateful to have a home to entertain guests.

Thanks be to God

This Monday morning I set out to review and synthesize Hume's model of human understanding.

My mom came and visited in the morning. We talked about the upcoming semester and the result was a greater sense of motivation for the course of action that I am pursuing.

I also spent a good amount of time on cleaning tasks in preparation for a visit from my wife's friends and their children on their vacation.  I had to resist the tendency to fall into an irritable attitude about this.

Aside from attending to the children I was completely preoccupied with my philosophy class assignments the rest of the day and late into the night.  It was the source of a little anxiety and an obstacle to doing anything else.  I was grateful for having the mental faculties to be able to make progress.

Thanks be to God.